After watching the movie ‘10,000 BC‘, all I could really do was THINK. Seriously. No not because it is a thought provoking film. Primarily because Arnab aka GreatBong had written this post called Akbarnama – a day in the life of Akbar (If you haven’t read it, READ it). But well, many may term my post here as plagiarist and to some extent rephrasing Arnab’s deliciously humorous post in a prehistoric context. But c’mon, you also know it, this will be real fun. So here it is-a day in the life of D’Le aka the prehistoric man.
8:00 am: I guess it is 5.00 am. Crap, I don’t know numbers , nor do I know the concept of time. Hey, my English vocabulary is improving though. Crap should be included as a good exclamatory outburst. Yay! Oh yeah, I think it’s actually time for crap.
After around 15 mins: Yeah, it’s time to get up. Look at that ugly guy under the water. I think he’s retarded. Keeps copying me. And I wonder how he breathes.
Another 15 mins: I guess it’s time for me to check out the new fashion line. Hmm! Zebra Skin or Camel. I hear that the new winter collection of Hyena Fur is really in. Ugh! the ladies don’t help me drape it. I think I’m just gonna wrap it randomly. Ooh! and look at me hair…so Bob Marley. Reggae anyone. Oh, I’m not supposed to know that either.
30 mins of staring at the Sun: I just have all the time in the world. Look at the sun glow. Look at the sun set. That’s what I do between the monthly mammoth hunts. So it was yesterday when I hunted down the mammoth. That scared the shit out of me. Phew! Wait a sec, was it really yesterday? How the fuck am I supposed to know? Okay rephrase it. How many sunsets happened in between? Hmmm! I really don’t give a shit. Until the Chinese invent the Abacus, I think I’m just watch some more Sun.
Oh it’s already breakfast time. My new lady has prepared me some roasted Mammoth meat. Hmm, smells yummy. Ugh Thoo Thoo! Lady, where’s the salt? And don’t you ever stop me from chumping and munching loudly. This is Pre-Historic . So chill. No documentation, no records, and so NO TABLE MANNERS. And yes, I love my dirty teeth. See, I know you get turned on by it.
Some time later, after I’m done with my ‘sexy time’ with my new lady, it’s time for a walk in the wild side. All by myself. But hey, I think I seriously need to think of the diverse neighborhood. And yeah, recollecting the past events, I am very much unhappy with the Afghans. Firstly they don’t wear the new fashionline , and instead envelop themselves in some inferior fabric dyed in maroon and Prussian Blue. Secondly, those blind albinos. How the fuck did they knew that I was coming? Ugh! my lips , they heart. Evelot! Evelot! Honey, some Lip Balm. Yeah, the dino droppings will do. Heee Heee! I am so lucky those guys from the other villages actually bought my speech. Little did they know, that it has been actually ‘inspired’ from the many speeches of the previous POTUS. Is this really 10,000 BC? How the fuck do I know all these 21st century stuff? And what the fuck is BC? Ugh! my mind is gonna explode with too many questions. Hmm, it’s half past 4, or so I believe. It is time to meet the Village Old Mother.
Me: Village Mother, what is today’s date?
Village Mother: Next question.
Me: Why don’t the women here wear Kanjeevaram sarees or sport a sindoor or cover their hands with bangles dipped in gold? My Evelot would look a bomb in those.
Village Mother: I have no razors to shave my moustache. So all women better stay ugly to support me.
Me: Is it really 10000 BC as Mr.Emmerich says?
Village Mother: No comments.
Me: Why do people around me look Hawaiian, or Latino? Am I Latino too, originally. However, surprisingly our neigbours are all African American or purely African. They live in Equatorial forest surrounded by deserts. And are at a distance of almost 15 days walk. Hmm, interesting! How come we live on hills? Don’t you think it’s time that we shifted our apartments?
Village Mother: Will you mind if I said, Shut the FUCK up.
Me: Cool outburst. New slang learnt. Yay!
Village Mother: Thanks.
Me: So are we near Egypt? Coz well, wiki says the Egyptian civilization started around 3150 BC. And well, it is a good 7000 years away. But I heard about those 6 feet Xerxes wanna-be’s draped in golden satines’ who have an army of Mammoths. Oh! you donno Xerxes either. He is that gay guy covered in golden bracelets all over and has pierced nipples. Oh yeah, it isn’t even time for Xerxes to appear.
Village Mother: D Le’ BEHAVE! I have been advised to avoid any form excitement or stimulation of sexual kind . I have high blood pressure.
Me: Ok, then at least tell me what was that disgustoid thing in the Equatorial forest? Oh , do you know the concept of th Equator? And yeah that thing has a head of an Ostrich and a body of a Woodpecker and a size of a grown Raptor. And yeah Ostriches are not supposed to be anywhere nearby. They are supposed to be of far-off lands where people consider “Monkeys” to be an abusive phrase. Pff! How ignorant? Their brains are yummy. Talking of which, where is the recipe for the dish you prepared when we brought down the mammoth?
Village Mother: D Le’ –FOCUS.
Me: Oh crap! I missed the sunset. Last question: I think I know Tic Tic from somewhere else. I suspect he works with the CIA or the FBI. I have seen him work with that bald guy who shouts out Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker. But he didn’t wear his signature white vest. What a shame!
Village Mother: Are you talking about John McClane. There is no way Tic Tic worked with him. Tic Tic would never work with someone who abuses someone’s mother. D’Le , I think it’s time for you to leave. Evolet must be waiting for you.
Me: Crap, I forgot completely. I had to be home. See ya Village Mother. Good Night. Ciao. Adios.
Evelot! Evelot! Lady!! Hey Woman! Man here! Cook Food! Man hungry! Naah! Just kidding. It’s fun to talk in syllables. Your turn.
Evelot: Fuck Off.