I am just a bit late for this post. But may be just in time. The Oscars nominations were announced last night, and as expected Slumdog was there on the top nominations list along with that Button movie. And surprisingly no nods for The Dark Knight. But all of that has nothing to do with this post. Well, just a bit. Coz, with Oscars comes the Razzies, but here on OKS it is Bolllywood style. It is the cream of the crap that we award each year. Last year (read the post here), we ‘awarded’ amongst others, Himmesh Reshammiya, Jia Khan, and RGV Ki Aag. This year, though the competition has been fierce, nothing has come close to the fire of Aag. However, we shall not tolerate any sort of discrimination against these maati-ke-laals who have tormented us this year. These movies of Bollywood deserve nothing less than rotten eggs and the toxic waste courtesy – Mumbai Mahanagar Palika. We received a lot of nominations from OKS readers worldwide, and we have narrowed it down to the following nominations, and we give you the reason why the winners are the Looohooo….Saaahaaars !!! ( Just the way Mr.Jim Carey says Losers in Ace Ventura). So join me as we announce the Nominees and the Winners of this year’s Bollywood Razzies as they proudly walk down the Yellow Carpet.
Pathbreaking Performance by Male: (Jimmy)Mimoh
Harman Baweja comes close, but loses at the worst category as well. Poor guy, he doesn’t win this too. Yeah, he kinda tried hard to be Hrithik, with the correct aping of Duggu’s accent, dance moves and over-acting, but well 2050 is where he should be -a man who is way ahead of time.
Sikander Kher: Yeah, he is the son of Kirron Kher and Anupam Kher. But that is it. Woodstock Villa came and went like a fart. That’s why we call him Gone with the broken wind.
Himmess (Karzz): How could we forget last year’s winner? Himmess will remain a permanent addition to the nomination list as long as he has thoughts of featuring in a movie, even in a cameo.
The Haal –e-Dil thing: Nakul whateva and Whateva Suman. Pffffffft !!!!
WINNER: MIMOH (Jimmy). Okay, I am gonna keep it simple because I am done with my adjectives when I think about writing something intelligent about Mimoh. He is outright crap, immensely non-talented and the worst actor ever. He is so worse at this that it actually makes me laugh. He’s got the voice that resembles a male Rani Mukherjee. But judging by the way Rani’s career boomed rather than bomb after Raja ki Aayegi Barat, can we hope that Mimoh will lose some loadsa weight, get some ‘acting’ in his script and make his Papa proud?
Pathbreaking Performance by Female: (Karzzzz) Urmila
Kareena Kapoor (Tashan): Off screen she hooked up with Saif. And onscreen she showed her tushy in a green bikini. She did the Shakti Avatar and killed Mahisasura (Anil Kappor’s nickname) who comes on a rick-shaw. She doesn’t mind being called the B word and even sports a blonde wig. She came very close to winning this, but just quite missing it.
Priyanka Chopra (Love Story 2050, Drona): Yes, she gets double nods for a futurstic Love Story with a very yesteryears’ actor (considering Kaho Na Pyar Hai happened in 2000). The other is of a movie which should’ve been released with either Krrish or Koi Mil Gaya. Piggy Chops even manages to do some good movies amongst all this shit viz. Fashion and Dostana. Hmm, ain’t nobody like Desi Girl.
The remaining bunch who don’t deserve to be talked about.
Rani Mukherjee (Thoda Pyar Thoda Magic)
Kajol (U me aur hum)
Last year’s winner Jia Khan had Ghajini this year. Not too bad.
WINNER: Urmila (Karzzz) She revives the immortal role of Simi Garewal from the original Karz. She does with red-der lipsticks and a wooden performance. So basically, she brought back the spirit of Kamini back to life, only to bury her back in a totally different location. She seemed underpaid and totally unhappy with Satish Kaushik. Surprisingly, Himmess and her made a good pair. Urmila’s performance in the movie is one of the key reasons why Himmess’ performance got overlooked. That’s what we calling stealing the Thunder.
The Rip-Offs of 2008:
Ugly aur Pagli– from the Korean rom-com hit, My Sassy Girl. While Hollywood made a straight to DVD remake of it, starring Elisha Cuthbert nonetheless, Bollywood’s un-official version had Miss Mallika Sherawat with Ranbir Shourie. And yes, it had the slaps, the drinks and all the gags, only not funny.
God Tussi Great Ho-from Bruce Almighty- Salman Khan filling the shoes of Jim Carey and Amitabh Bachhan doing a Morgan Freeman. Featured songs like Aksa Beach Guma Doo. And oh, Jennifer Aniston equals Priyanka Chopra.
1920-Vikram Bhatt’s Haunted meets Exorcist meets nothing, not even the audience. Better rent a VHS of the Ramsays.
GANG BANG HONOR:
This has nothing to do with anything remotely sexual. This is all about chaos that prevailed on the screen and was brought to us not by a single individual, but by a group of living organisms. e.g. Last year’s nominees, RGV ki Aag, Jhoom Barabar Jhoom, Salaam-e-Ishq et al. This year’s nominees are:
C Kkompany: Featuring Tusshar Kapoor, Anupam Kher, Celina Jaitley and in cameo appearances -Karan Johar and Mahesh Bhatt. It is indeed quite hard for me to say as I didn’t watch this one, but by the looks of it, all this movie is lacking is some Tanushree Dutta and some Rakhi Sawant.
Tashan: A nonsensical Hindi to Angreji dictionary, a call-center guy, Bachhan Pandey, Bebo in Bikini and “Naseela Naseela tore Nainaa”. Tashan had it all going for it. NOT
Mission Istaanbul: The cast list is just wonderful to read. Featuring the who’s who of Junior Bollywood in a way. Vivek Oberoi, Shabbir, Sunil Shetty, Zayed Khan. Did anyone go to watch this?
WINNER: Krazzy 4. Rajpal Yadav, Irrfan Khan, Arshad Warsi and Suresh Menon. All established actors, and great comics in their own space. What happens when they share the same screen? The answer is BONKERS and not in a good way. Had three item numbers-SRK, Rakhi Sawant and Hrithik Roshan. Ended up with a controversy of plagiarism for Music Dir Uncle Roshan for lifting the tune of the Krazzy 4 item song from a Sony Ericcson advert. Does it get anymore chaotic?
Tortueux de FILME’:-
Jimmy doesn’t qualify for this award as it proved out to be way more entertaining than it promised to be. For the review read this. The nominees are:
Tashan: Yash Chopra Films had it all set. A stellar cast, a blazing soundtrack and Kareena in bikinis. Wish they could have found a good script. For the complete bashing, read the review here.
Karzzz: Satish Kaushik’s public butchering of a Subhash Ghai’s masterpiece (of course it is a masterpiece). The highlights of this movie are when Himmess is told to recall the tune and play it on his guitar. The expression on Himmess’ face makes him look like he’s in desperate need of some Isabgol (the Ayurvedic substitute for Laxatives). The music is very third class even for the tastes of the Auto Driver’s Association and Urmila as Kamini should be read as Kamini , not Kaamini.
Love Story 2050: Sach Kehna, Sach Sach Kehna, How much Hrithik charge by the hour to coach ya?
WINNER aka LOSER: DRONA
Abhishek Bachhan continued with his mono-expression from Sarkaar Raj, wore some not so funky gold plated clothes, and went around fighting an over-the-top KayKay Menon. Jaya Bachhan was turned into wax, Priyanka Chopra acted like wax and Abhishek Bachhan grooved to Oop Oopcha Oop Oop. Wonder if that’s what Goldie Behl was doing after he made the movie. What could have possibly saved this movie from being a torture. A 5 minute feature on the making of Jo Haal Dil Ka featuring Mrs. Behl-Sonali Bendre.
Drona is by far, the worst movie of the year and should get all the rotten tomatoes, slashed, bashed, bisected, dissected and any TV channel showing it should be made off-air for a minimum of 2 days, by order from the Minsitry of Information & Broadcasting. That’s what is the honor that this year’s Razzie winner gets.
Last Honors no-one cares-about:
Dino Morea: For getting reincarnated as Himmesh Reshammiya
Anil Kapoor: For portraying Prof. Rajan Mathur (Subhash Ghai’s Black& White), Deven Yuuvraj (Subhash Ghai’s Yuuvraj), Lakkhan Singh urf Bhaiyyaji (Tashan) and Slumdog’s Prem Kumar, all in one year. Phew!
Hansika Motwani, Tanushree Dutta, Celina Jaitley, Aftab Shivdasani, Govinda, Upen Patel and everyboy in that league (you get the idea) for staying low key, and making us enjoy the average Bollywood even more. Cheers to Bollywood!!!