Apparently, Bollywood came to a stand still when Riteish D and Genelia D (RD n GD) got married in an elaborate wedding ceremony, which spanned across many days, and venues, and some more. Almost the entire Bollywood, from all corners, clans and camps, landed up at each of the 157 ceremonies. And thanks to TheDailyHoney, we got to know that Jeetu jee was just around the corner, doing his morning jog. And Asin looked absolutely stunning in her traditional sari. But since I am as twisted and weird, I thought it’d be wicked to remix these celebs piccies, with my twisted celeb thoughts. Thanks to DailyHoney’s mammoth post on the RD/GD wedding reception, and for letting me use the images. So, here it goes.

Beware, image heavy post, and the language ranges from naughty to downright uncensored. And the celebs seem to have a weird obsession with “Kheer!”.

As always, this is a fictional post, and has got nothing to do with the “actual” thoughts of these celebs. I am no Professor X, but we live in a world of such dumbos, so I had to clear this up. Also, please do not sue me, or send me hate mails. It’s all in good spirit, and for laughs yaar. C’mon, it’s Monday!

And so, at the grand wedding reception, the guest started to show up. First up, were Jacqueline Fernandez and Sajid Khan (fresh from building the #Slapgate bridge of love), and Saif was at his geeky best. And seems like Bebo did learn a thing or two about being a Trekker.

Next to enter were Himmesss bhai and Imran Khan
(in his Chambal Ghaati avatar)

Speaking of Chachu, as soon as Aamir saw Saif, he was like totally back to his DCH days. Whilst, Saifuu, being in an overdrive of Agent Vinod promotional tour, had lost his mind.

This was all interrupted by air-hostess  Zarine Khan. Whilst guests Atul Agnihotri and Chetan Bhagat were completely lost in their own world.

Bappi da’s bling received the transmission from Atul Agnihotri’s kheer thoughts.. and while Satish Kaushik was inquisitive, Ismail saab seemed very emphatic about his Kheer cravings.

Even Chunky and Gulshan were concerned as well about the Kheer. RD and GD started getting worried!! Look!

Aaah, that Fardeen! More guests kept showing up, and surprisingly, they weren’t so keen on the Kheer. Probably, because they looked dead as Kangna, or Hyper-Excited like Mimoh.

Whilst, others were busy competing for the Best Sari title

Meanwhile in the BORED corner..

And finally the Bachchans arrived.

[ Aishwarya's comment refers to this legendary article that puts all tabloids to shame]

But the show stopping moment was when these show stoppers arrived in their show-stopping outfit.

[Images courtesy: TheDailyHoney]

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January has been very rewarding in terms of providing us trending hashtags to tweet about. From #Agneepath, to #Filmfare, to #SlapGate. For the uninitiated, SRK, in the wee hours of the celebration party of Agneepath (hosted by Sanjay Dutt), performed a slapasoarus act on Farah Khan’s husband, Shirish Kunder. Apparently, the long haired editor had it coming (as the SRK fans would tell ya!), because of his open criticism of Ra.One on twitter.

Whether you belong to the #TeamSRK, or #TeamFarah, these two sets do not intersect any more (i.e. no common elements anymore – c’mon, it’s basic arithmetic). Here is a deconstruction of the events that happened, according to unofficial sources:-

Warning: All events depicted below are fictitious, and are in no way, related to any event of the past, present or future. We come from another timeline and dimension altogether – known as Desi-Funkistan. The author will NOT entertain any threats, lawsuits or hate-mails, as he cannot read any language on Earth. This post is the result of a very highly sophisticated Fun-English translator.

OKS Exclusive: Unofficial Footage of SRK hitting SK

Here’s an overheard conversation from the infamous party
(All times are in IST)

3:00 am:- After the Filmfare awards, people at the party. Amongst them, a certain Mr.Kunder, under the influence of daaru

P.S. Only official photo available of Shirish Kunder
(Haven’t you seen Agneepath?)

3:05 am:- His threshold of tolerance being challenged,
SRK makes a comeback comment.

3:17 am:- Mr. Kunder, seems to be late with his reactions

3:17:55 am:- SRK is exceptionally fast with his replies

3:20 am:- SK gives his best shot at comeback

3:25 am:- Host Sanju Baba aka Kancha, on an overdose of Red Bull,
makes an entry.

What happened after that is a bigger mystery than big foot, or unicorns. But according to host,  Sanju Baba’s  (who was on an overdose of Red Bull) witness statement, the following incident happened. [Re-enacted by professional look-alikes] Viewer discretion is advised.

3:30 am - Other people at the party [Obligatory use of rage faces]

….After the media started reporting in a frenzy..
SRK slapped, hit, abused SK with all the masala…

A few hours later… on twitter….

… A few more hours later on twitter …

2:pm GMT. i.e. 7:30 pm IST: Meanwhile at the OneKnightStands HQ

12:pm Next Morning – The Meme is posted. And OKS has second thoughts

But then…

FIN.

______________________________________________________

[Rage Comics made by Ragemaker. GIF courtesy: Bollypop]

P.S. The author does not take any responsibility for the accuracy of the above images. The actual incident happened at around 4:15 am IST, a full hour before the above mentioned events. This is a work of fiction, and not meant to malign any characters/human beings – living, dead or virtual. All that has already been done by #SlapGate on twitter.
Issued in public interest, and also due to fear of being sued by Red Chillies.

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And another one bites the dust. The penultimate awards show of the year (until IIFA wakes up, sometime in June-July), and the biggest of B-Town, Filmfare awards, were handed out tonight at the Yashraj Studios. Earlier, we had discussed the nominations, and made some predictions as well. And here’s the list of winners from tonight, and also my mini-take on each one of them.

The Filmfare Awards 2012 Winners

_______________________________________________________

BEST FILM -  Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara [Really, was this the best of 2011? REALLY! Here are my choices btw]

BEST ACTOR MALE - Ranbir Kapoor, Rockstar [Mubaarakaa..again]

BEST ACTOR FEMALE  – Vidya Balan, The Dirty Picture [Very deservingly so]

BEST DIRECTOR  - Zoya Akhtar, Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara [ Fine, whatever. Congratulations!! You see, I have a problem with ZNMD. More on it here]

BEST DIALOGUE – Farhan Akhtar, Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara [Mantally challenging dialogue - Mushi Mushi! ]

BEST SCREENPLAY – Akshat Verma, Delhi Belly [Seriously, what the effing eff !!! Here are my thoughts on Delhi Belly ]

BEST STORY – Sanjay Chauhan, I Am Kalam 

BEST ACTOR MALE (CRITICS) - Ranbir Kapoor, Rockstar [Mubaarakaa]

BEST FILM (CRITICS) - Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara [BRB, busy LOL-ing]

BEST ACTOR FEMALE (CRITICS) – Priyanka Chopra, 7 Khoon Maaf [Shukriya for coming. And while you are here, why don't you take home this award]

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR MALE - Farhan Akhtar, Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara [Mantal Bwoy beats Kabiraa, Mandook, and Superstar Suryakanth. How typically Filmfare! I have got a Kolveri di right now. ]

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR FEMALE – Rani Mukherjee, No One Killed Jessica [Welcome back Rani. And congrats on the award for having uttered the word Gaand!]

LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD – Aruna Irani [LOL. I don't mean any disrespect, but this could only be because they wanted to play Chadhtee Jawani on the show]

SCENE OF THE YEAR – The Dirty Picture [I bet the pichkaari scene was shown in the AV]

RD BURMAN AWARD  - Krsna, Tanu Weds Manu [Finally a Rang for the Rangrez]

BEST MUSIC – AR Rahman, Rockstar [Here's one more feather in your overcrowded cap]

BEST PLAYBACK SINGER FEMALE – Usha Uthup & Rekha Bhardwaj, Darling, 7 Khoon Maaf [I am very happy for Usha Uthup]

BEST LYRICS – Irshad Kamil, Nadaan Parindey, Rockstar [Yes, yes, yes]

BEST PLAYBACK SINGER MALE – Mohit Chauhan, Jo Bhi Main, Rockstar [Man of the moment]

BEST DEBUT DIRECTOR – Abhinay Deo, Delhi Belly [Preposterous!! ]

BEST DEBUT MALE – Vidyut Jhamwal, Force [Muscles impresses Filmfare. Who else was nominated? No love for Liquid? ]

BEST DEBUT FEMALE – Parineeti Chopra, Ladies vs Ricky Bahl [Predictable!]

BEST CHOREOGRAPHY – Bosco-Caesar, Senorita, Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara [I am worried about this trend. Seriously, did no one see Chammak Challo?]

BEST VFX – Red Chillies, Ra.One [Deserving!]

BEST BACKGROUND SCORE – Ranjit Barot, Shaitan [Deserving as well]

BEST ACTION – Don 2 [Y U NO give Shaitan the best action award? ]

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY – Carlos Catalan, Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara 

BEST SOUND DESIGN - Nakul Kamte, Don 2 

BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN – Shashank Tere, Delhi Belly

BEST EDITING – Huzefa Lokhandwala, Delhi Belly

BEST COSTUME - Niharika Khan, The Dirty Picture

Quite shameful of Filmfare to have given absolutely no award to the finest movies of the year – Shor In The City and Dhobi Ghat. After all, it is all about loving your parents, family, and your relatives. There is a reason, why B-Town award shows are also known as Khan-Daan awards. Until the IIFA’s, keep watching this space. I will know if you don’t. Nope,..don’t even try to.

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The remake of the 90′s cult movie – Agneepath might have sounded like a bad idea on paper. After all, it is so deeply embedded with the strong presence of a performance which defined the star, and the star which defined the movie. Amitabh Bachchan’s white suited, guy-liner endorsing gangster, might have been a 90′s take on the many smuggling movies of the 70′s – viz. Don and Deewar. But what made Agneepath different then, was its no holds barred, self destructive protagonist, who is solely driven by revenge. How could one recreate that? Debutante director Karan Malhotra has the answer for that. And the answer is .. not to recreate *that*. 2012′s Agneepath is a remake of the 90′s original in as much way as Ram Gopal Varma remade the Godfather into Sarkar (and Sarkar Raaj). It does not attempt to shift the time scale and create similar scenes/situations existing in a parallel universe, re-enacted by a different group of actors. Instead, it redefines the dynamics, the relationships and the narrative to a certain extent, and yet, pays tribute to the presence of the original. And THAT is how you remake movies – not by driving your script to make more cash, but by making your characters come back to life..or rather offer a new life to your characters.

By now you must have got it that I loved this movie, despite a few silly unwanted additives. But when the end product is so damn good, who am I to complain. Hit the jump, as I discuss a bit more in details, and of course will be making some comparisons with the original [inevitably].  SPOILER ALERT

We know of the plot already, as I believe most of you have either seen the original, or the new one, or even both (like me). So, I’ll try to skim the fat, and get straight to the point.

#1. The first thing that Karan Malhotra’s version instantly establishes is how Mandva works. It is a village, on an island, and ruled by a Zamindar. And most importantly, Master Deenanath Chauhan is not a dumb self-righteous dude. But he’s one who is ambitious about the economic growth of the village. This is what makes him a villain for the Zamindar, and his evil son – Kancha. Secondly, a 12 year old Vijay, played surprisingly very well by Arush Bhiwandiwala, gets to see his father getting hanged in front of him. THAT is disturbing on so many levels, and defines Vijay’s self-destructing motivation towards avenging his father’s death. It is a bit unclear how Vijay associated everything against only Kancha in the original.

#2. Vijay, is not an angry man. Amitabh’s bare chested challenge to his ganglords to shoot him does not feature here. There are no monologues in a police station, and neither any grand dialogue delivery. Vijay is a very deeply disturbed, miserable and extremely sad man, who has lost his father, been rejected by his mother, and is struggling to reach his goal. And Hrithik portrays it in the most real way possible. There is clear pain in Hrithik’s eyes, his stare and even in his body language. Even with a body so big, you can see through the broken heart that he carries around. And you can also see the clear determination in him to prove his point – even when he knows of the dire consequences.

#3. So how do the two Vijays compare? One is the filmy best. But the other is heartfelt, and sort of explains Vijay Dinanath Chauhan’s motives clearer. Come next year, I’ll be surprised if Hrithik does not take home the awards for this. If acting means immersing yourself into a character, to an extent that the fine line between what’s real and what’s not, is blurred, then Hrithik’s acting of Vijay Chauhan is “acting”.

#4. The genre defining moment of Vijay.. Dinanath.. Chauhan.. Poora Naam, is perfectly placed in the new one. Of course, I have been anticipating how they’d treat it, as it has been spoofed way too many times to count. And I will not spoil it for you when it happens, but it is indeed very satisfying.

#5. Rauf Lala. How can I sum up my thoughts about Rishi Kapoor playing Rauf Lala? Ermm.. excellent, brilliant, amazing? Those are mere adjectives, and I’d add some more to that, only if I knew what. I am absolutely loving the different shades of characters that Chintujee has been portraying over the last few years (e.g. Do Dooni Chaar, Luck By Chance, Chintujee, Love Aaj Kal). And this is a brilliant addition to his amazing filmography. Rishi Kapoor makes us believe in Rauf Lala as the gangster who rules Mumbai’s drug distribution network. Lala’s power, his control and his unforgivably disgusting business of trafficking young girls, is again balanced by his family oriented life, and the trust he has in Vijay. Or is that the whole picture? You’ve got to watch this to find out. And oh, Shah Ka Rutba has been playing on my Winamp since I have got out of the cinema. That’s going to get a lot of hits on Youtube from me when the video releases.

#6. Speaking of videos, the only other song that stands out is – Gun Guna Re, where we see Priyanka’s dancing skills in a Dogri chawl mohalla. The track is very catchy, and you can’t help tap your foot; more so when Udit jee takes over, and a drunk Vijay tries to ape the dance steps. Some more points for resisting the temptation to not make Hrithik Roshan do some proper dance moves. That’d have been pretty awkward to see Vijay move like jagger. And no, Chikni Chameli is one of those unwanted additives that I was talking about earlier. More of it has already been discussed here.

Special mention to the background score/sound engineer Stephen Gomes for inserting appropriate bassoon sounds, and even cellos. The use of colours in the Ganesh Chaturthi scene was exceptionally pretty, and cinematographer Kiran Deohans’s job is very much appreciated.

#7. And speaking of Priyanka Chopra, she’s probably the sore thumb of the movie. I get it that she’s one of the big league actresses now, and demands a better wardrobe than the extras. But please, only when it suits the movie. Ok, so she runs a Chinese beauty parlour, so is definitely more fashionable. Hmm… still can’t digest the fact. I don’t see the point in adding a female lead, just so for the sake of it. If I were to design the title poster (in the beginning of the post), her rectangle wouldn’t be as wide as the ones of Rishi Kapoor and Sanjay Dutt. And what was with that Nepali vs. Chinese thingie? What was the agenda behind that scene? Am I missing a joke or something?

#8. Coming back to Mandwa, thanks to Karan Malhotra’s imagination, it is redesigned by Kancha as a concentration camp – where villagers are enslaved, and their land is used for cocaine plantation. But it is a bit weird to see that Kancha, who has clearly got contacts to get weapons, artilleries, and possibly food distributed for his army, cannot get into Mumbai via any of the neighbouring states. Or perhaps, Rauf Lala’s network is more widespread than my imagination. But then, how would I know the operations and project management aspects of a gangster. LOL! [BRB! #Facepalming myself for having that written down, but too lazy to delete it now].

#9. Sanju Baba, is back in his Khalnayak avatar. He has been a social outcast for his alopecia problem, but I don’t get the logic behind Kancha’s mentally deranged actions – such as hanging anyone that he dislikes, or having a loud laughter (in Hindi we call it “Thahaka”) at the drop of a hat, or for not flossing. Maybe, that’s what defines him – Kancha is mental! And you cannot define mental. Just as Alfred said, “Some people just want to see the world burn”. Kancha wanted to see Mandwa to be his coke-mine. But what he’d do with all that money if he couldn’t get out of Mandwa, is a burning question, that I leave open to the floor.

#10. And for the climactic fight between Vijay and Kancha, it is by all means epic. Sanju looks like a beast, who can even handle a bullet through him. And Vijay looks like the rock that can beat the scissors…oh wait…he did get stabbed numerous times. But he rises, and then what a scene!! [It is here, where I started missing my local theatre, when I could hoot a wolf whistle to my heart's satisfaction]. To be noted, Hrithik gets stabbed in the stomach, but when his shirt gets all torn, that knife scar disappears, and with that, any source of bleeding. Minor filmi creative freedom, or huge cinematic fail? You decide.

To conclude: Agneepath is a hell of a movie. The tone is very serious, dark and extremely violent at times. There’s slashing of necks, and bullets flying. It is rated 15 for a reason, so don’t go expecting a family movie. Hrithik delivers a solid, emotionally charged, and physically punching performance. To me the stand-out moment of Vijay, has to be the one at the end, when after Kancha is killed, Vijay breaks down, to scream out – Babaaa. All his bottled anguish and pain, is released. And with that Vijay’s purpose in life is served. It moved me, more than any of the dialogues could. Rishi Kapoor’s act as the druglord kingpin Rauf Lala deserves all the awards, and more. I wish Sanju was a little bit less caricaturish, and a bit more real.

OKS Rating: 4 Slashing Machetes Out of 5

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And then, there was yet another B-town award. This time around, it was the Producers Guild awards – a.k.a Apsara Awards. And apparently, Zoya Akhtar’s Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara was the year’s best movie, according to the producers. There are some pleasant surprises, and a lot of facepalm worthy awards. Hit the jump for the complete list of winners, and my mini-take on them.

BEST LYRICS – Irshad Kamil, Naadaan Parindey, Rockstar [Well deserved. Apsara got it right]

BEST MUSIC – AR Rahman, Rockstar [Need I say anything here?]

BEST SINGER MALE – Mohit Chauhan, Saada Haq, Rockstar [Unstoppable]

BEST SINGER FEMALE – Shreya Ghoshal, Teri Meri, Bodyguard [Right choice, wrong song]

BEST PERFORMANCE IN A COMIC ROLE - Deepak Dobriyal, Tanu Weds Manu [Awesome surprise, but at the cost of Pitobash. Hang on, he wasn't nominated. WTF!!!]

BEST PERFORMANCE IN A NEGATIVE ROLE – Prakash Raj, Singham [Screams "This is Goaaaaaaa"!]

BEST ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE - Farhan Akhtar, Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara [Mantal choice]

BEST ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE – Parineeti Chopra, Ladies vs Ricky Bahl [Yea right. No Swara Bhaskar boo!]

BEST ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE – Ranbir Kapoor, Rockstar [Yet another one in the bag]

BEST ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE – Vidya Balan, The Dirty Picture [And for her too]

BEST DIRECTOR – Zoya Akhtar, Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara [Imma let you finish Zoya, this was an OK movie, but really Milan Luthria is the best director of 2012.]

BEST FILM – Ritesh Sidhwani & Farhan Akhtar, Zindagi Ne Milegi Dobara [Give me a roundhouse facepalm everyone]

BEST SCREENPLAY - Reema Kagti & Zoya Akhtar, Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara [Can we just call this a ZNMD awards show?]

BEST STORY – Reema Kagti & Zoya Akhtar, Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara [Hehehe, best story..or best tour catelogue]

BEST DIALOGUE – Rajat Arora, The Dirty Picture [Sigh! For all those Emraan Hashmi metaphors]

BEST CHOREOGRAPHY – Bosco Caesar, Senorita, Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara [Again, boo for no Chammak Challo love]

BEST DEBUTE FEMALE – Parineeti Chopra, Ladies vs Ricky Bahl [Yea, ok she was good for a debutante]

BEST DEBUT MALE – Rana Daggubatti, Dum Maaro Dum [Rana who? That Te Amo dude who disappeared after Bips called dibs on drugs. Evs! ]

MOST POPULAR SONG – Chammak Challo, Ra.One [Yes, Yes, Yes!]

PRESIDENT GUILD HONOUR – Amitabh Bachchan, Kaun Banega Crorepati [Ermm, ok. At least they are not giving it to him for Aarakshan ]

ENTERTAINER OF THE YEAR MALE - Shahrukh Khan [Not Salmaan, who gave the year's biggest hits - Ready and Bodyguard, but SRK - who gave the biggest dud of the year - Ra.One]

ENTERTAINER OF THE YEAR FEMALE – Priyanka Chopra [Whaa... Ainveyi! ]

TECHNICAL AWARDS:

BEST EDITING – Aarti Bajaj, No One Killed Jessica 

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY – Ranjan Palit, 7 Khoon Maaf & Chirantan Das, Tanu Wds Manu

BEST ART DIRECTION – Subrata Chakraborty & Punita Grover, 7 Khoon Maaf

BEST SOUND DESIGN – Resul Pookutty & Amrit Pritam Dutta, Ra.One

BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS – Red Chillies VFX, Ra.One

BEST COSTUME DESIGN – Payal Saluja, 7 Khoon Maaf

BEST SOUND MIXING – Anup Dev & Tarun Bhandari, Ra.One

And that’s the whole list of winners. What did you think of the winners? Share your thoughts in the comments section below. The awards show airs on Colors on the 11th of March. Yep. Probably it does need a lot of post production work to be done. And that is the beauty of B-Town award shows.

P.S. The Official Apsara Awards website has not been updated for more than 2 years.

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So apparently Total Film, one of the biggest movie mags of the UK (second only to Empire), did a top 50 list of Bollywood movies. And to my utter surprise, the list seems to be compiled by someone who watched exactly 50 Bollywood movies, which might have appeared on his/her Lovefilm queue. Otherwise, there is no other reason for something like THIS to have ended up in a Best of  list. The dilemma for me is, whether I should be angry at the inclusion of some of the movies which would NEVER appear on any Best of list, or at the exclusion of some of the obvious Bollywood classic, which even Lovefilm would recommend. The dissection continues after the jump, and if you’re wondering why I have included the GIF above, hover your mouse over it to know exactly how I feel about this list. Feel free to join the discussion in the comments.

I have listed my list of problems with this Top 50 list as bulleted points – just for the sake of clarity, and so that I don’t get distracted or get carried away.

1. Exclusion a: RK Films included in this list are – Bobby, Aawara. And for a list that contains KANK, Mohabbatein, this does not have Sangam, Jis Desh Mein Ganga Behti Hai, Jaagte Raho.

2. Exclusion b: Obvious classics such as Guide, Jewel Thief, Chalti Ka Naam Gadhee, Pyaasa, Humraaz, Waqt are snubbed to make room for Fashion

3. Exclusion c: There is no Shammi Kapoor movie here. Neither any Shashi Kapoor movie, nor Dev Anand. Thankfully, there’s Balraj Sahni at no.49.

4. Exclusion d: Senior Bachchan’s movies have had a huge impact on Bollywood cinema, and cinema in general. And the one to enter the top 10 at no 5 is Coolie. There is no sign of Deewar, Zanjeer, Shakti, Satte Pe Satta, Anand or Namak Halal.

5. Inclusion a: 3 Idiots gets to be no.1. As much as I love this movie, it is NOT the best Bollywood movie by any means.  Even Raju Hirani and VVC would agree with me on that. And I cannot help but wonder about the stretch of imagination that this writer had, to include Manmohan Desai’s 80′s flick – Coolie in Top 5. I kid you not – Top 5!!!

6. Inclusion b: The intense SRK, YRF, Dharma fanboism that this list exhibits is almost on an unashamed Bieber-fever level. From Om Shanti Om, Devdas, KHNH, KANK, MNIK, Mohabbatein, Dostana, Rab Ne.. to even Fanna making it into the Top 10 list is a big slapping #facepalm meets #epicfail. Yes, they are all entertaining Bollywood movies, but by no means represent the greatest of Bollywood cinema. Or are we supposed to take this list as a subjective view of the author, who happened to watch movies based upon recommendations by Lovefilm – You watched Om Shanti Om, so you might also like Salaam Namaste. (Yes, that IS in the list as well !!!)

7. Inclusion c: Fashion! Motherfucking Fashion..yes, Madhur Bhandarkar’s cliché fest Fashion completes the Top 10 list. What more is left for me to say?

BIG THANK YOU THOUGH: Having said all of that, I would still appreciate this list for its inclusion of the following movies -

Sholay, Paakezah, Dil Chahta Hai, Mother India, Agneepath, Sarfarosh, Tezaab, Andaz Apna Apna, Peepli Live, Amar Akbar Anthony, Udaan, Bobby, Aawara, Rang De Basanti, Lagaan, Swades, Taare Zameen Par, Kaagaz Ke Phool, Hum Aapke Hain Kaun, Mughal-E-Azam, Salaam Bombay, Mr.India, Do Beegha Zameen, Munnabhai and Chak De India

The Complete List of Total Film’s 50 Greatest Bollywood Films can be found here.

Kindly share your feelings on this “list” in the comments section below.

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Is there a good reason to make a remake, other than making a quick buck over a pre-existing idea? I guess that debate has been all discarded, since all that we have been chewing on in Bollywood, Kollywood, Tollywood are remakes, inspirations and redone guano of some kind. We have had Tolly remakes of Bolly hits, and vice versa. I don’t need to cite any examples; a quick look at the Bolly releases of the year will suffice. The latest to enter this list, is the remake of the Telugu blockbuster – Magadheera. Ranveer Singh is helmed to play the lead role, and Anurag Kashyap’s production company Phantom will be producing it. Now, you all who follow this blog, know of my love and intense affection for this film. And hence, I have a big problem with it being tinkered with. Read on to find out my..

5 Reasons Why I Don’t Want a Magadheera Remake

1. The Music:

Being a project in it’s initial stages, it is quite unclear whether it’ll be using a new soundtrack, or re-using the existing one. And in this case, both could backfire. Magadheera‘s soundtrack is unique in every sense, with M.M.Keeravani’s mix of epic royal sounds in Dheera Dheera, as well as downright desi beats in Jorsey, leaves very little scope for it to be transformed to fit into Hindi lyrics. (Look what they did to Aaromale). And we haven’t talked about Panchadara Bomma. And if they are having a new soundtrack altogether, I guess, the pressure is on!

2. Bangaru Kodipetta

And reason 1 brings me to this. Bangaru Kodipetta is a cheesy ol’ tribute to the tour de force of Superstar Chiranjeevi anna. A smart fusion of Baap-Beta doing a dance routine together on a remixed version of Baap’s 90′s hit was one of the high points of the movie (the movie had many high points, and that’s how they make a blockbuster). That and Mumaith’s Medusa sonic boob explosivo move (refer GIF above). With Ranveer Singh taking the lead role, the only person I can think of joining him in a Hindi Bangaru Kodipetta-esque remix is Anil Kapoor on – Ladki Hai Kya Re Baaabaaa!!! Now, think of the consequences if this shit got real!

3. Anurag Kashyap vs the Cheese

Anurag Kashyap is a prolific director. He is brilliant in every single way. His filmography speaks for itself. But it definitely does not speak the language of cheese. And Magadheera is well known for not taking itself too seriously. Right from the downright evil villain Billa, to the ever submissive Kajal Agarwal as Mithravinda. And even the reincarnated friend Sulaiman/ Sher Khan. This is a love story spanning two births, and the new age one involves horse riding, falling from helicopters, a dramatic entry at intermission, and loads of cheesy romance. Can Kashyap’s Phantom production handle this? I have some serious doubts.

4. Ranveer Singh vs Ram Teja

And speaking of more cheese, the lead figure who will be in charge of delivering the cheesy lines, is going to be Mr Bittu aka Bread Pakorha – Ranveer Singh. We haven’t seen much of him yet, apart from the two Yashraj films, which could be a boon, as he has more areas left to explore. But as an unexplored territory, I feel apprehensive about a Bollywood actor handling the same amount of silly banter, epic anger and poker face sword slashing in the same movie.

5. Do not mess with perfection

This argument sort of stems from my opinion about remakes. If you did not think of it in the first place, there must’ve been a reason. And some original pieces should just remain undisturbed. Magadheera, remains a perfect piece that embraces all flaws and eccentricities under it’s awesome umbrella. [Read my mental rant] There are flipping jeeps cannonballed onto a helicopter. There is an epic face-to-face combat with 1 vs 100. And a villain who javelins through his servant’s hearts. The lead jodi have a very strong conductive property which ignites a flashback. Yes, it does look preposterous on paper, but Magadheera does it so well, like no other. And hence, the only reason I’d be compelled to watch the remake is to quench my curiosity of how bad did they fuck it up! Look at what happened to Veer. Hollywood is remaking Oldboy. And Bollywood wants to remake Magadheera. It must be 2012 indeed!

So, the Screen awards for 2012 got handed out in an elaborate awards function show last night. We’ll get to see more of it in a few weeks, when the heavily edited, and appropriately placed emoticons of Priyanka Chopra smiling at Shahid Kapoor’s jokes will be one of the highlights of the show. Because, if we talk about the awards, the final winners list looks more like a token give-away to anyone who attended the show. And just in case the blogosphere doesn’t explode with opposing comments over SRK winning an award in a year where he’s mostly done more publicity work than Times Square billboards, Screen has quite conveniently created new categories to make everyone a very happy family. Welcome to the Bollywood awards season – the season of egalitarian policy and where acting doesn’t matter.

Earlier in the month, we made some predictions. And by the looks of it, Screen actually managed to pull off a “ha-ha, gotcha! In your face everyone”. Hit the jump, as we review the winners, and also review our predictions vs. the final list of winners.

THE 18th SCREEN AWARDS 2012 – WINNERS

TECHNICAL AWARDS:

Costume: The Dirty Picture  / OKS: Ra.One
Verdict: Fair-dos

Action: Ra.One / OKS: Ra.One
Verdict: Told-ya

Choreography: Bosco Caeser – Senorita, ZNMD / OKS: Chammak Challo – Ra.One
Verdict: Meh! Senorita looked more like impromptu stuff. I don’t see anyone doing Abhay’s moves. Chammak Challo is still my winner.

Cinematography: R Madhi – Shaitan / OKS: ZNMD
Verdict: Fair-dos

Dialogue: ZNMD / The Dirty Picture / OKS: Tanu Weds Manu
Verdict: WTF!!! TDP for it’s mega boom-bastic Emraan Hashmi metaphors, dropped at 1000 per minute. And what is with the two winners. Ooh, there’s more!

Story: Delhi Belly / OKS: Stanley Ka Dabba
Verdict: WTF!!! I don’t get it how a crime caper comedy is the best story we’ve heard in 2011.

MUSIC AWARDS:

Lyrics: Prashoon Joshi – Aarakshan / OKS: Irshaad Kamil – Rockstar
Verdict: Complete WTF!!! I think the closest comparison would be to give SRK the best actor for English Babu Desi Mem. Wait, did he win anything for that?

Music: A.R.Rahman – Rockstar / OKS: A.R.Rahman – Rockstar
Verdict: Told ya! This was unstoppable.

Background Score: Ranjit Barot – Shaitan / OKS: Ram Sampath – Delhi Belly
Verdict: Fair-dos.

Playback (Male): Mohit Chauhan – Rockstar / OKS: Mohit Chauhan – Rockstar
Verdict: Told ya! Another one of the most predictable winners this year. Although, I’d have LOVED to see Bappi da going home with this award this year!

Playback (Female): Shreya Ghoshal – The Dirty Picture / OKS: Usha Uthup – 7 Khoon Maaf
Verdict: Fair-dos. Yes, Shreya is deserving, but more so for Saibo, imho. But am happy with this too.

MAIN AWARDS:

Child Artist: Partho Gupte – Stanley Ka Dabba / OKS: Partho Gupte – Stanley Ka Dabba
Verdict: Yep, told ya!

Ensemble: ZNMD / OKS: Chillar Party
Verdict:  Fair-dos. I think I got a bit carried away with my own judgement, rather than who I believed would win on the night. Stupid decision, considering how obvious it was that Screen loved ZNMD.

Actor in a comic role: Pitobash – Shor in the City / OKS: Pitobash – Shor in the City
Verdict: Told ya! A very well deserved award. All the best for Filmfare and future projects.

Promising Newcomer (Male): Divyendu – Pyar Ka Punchnama / OKS: Pitobash – Shor in the City
Verdict: Haven’t seen the movie PKP, so really can’t give the verdict on this.

Promising Newcomer (Female): Parineeti Chopra  - Ladies Vs. Ricky Bahl / OKS:  Parineeti Chopra  - Ladies Vs. Ricky Bahl
Verdict: Told ya!

Actor in a negative role (Male): Prashant Narayanan (Murder 2) / OKS: Amole Gupte – Stanley Ka Dabba
Verdict: Fair-dos. Prashant was good, but it is hard for me to judge, since the Korean original, The Chaser, is far superior than the desi-copied version.

Actor in  a negative role (Female): Priyanka Chopra – 7 Khoon Maaf / OKS: Kalki Koechlin – Shaitan
Verdict: Fair-dos. But, am curious if she had a performance lined up for the night.

Supporting Actor: Saif Ali Khan -Aarakshan / OKS: Rajesh Sharma – No One Killed Jessica
Verdict: WTF! And I’d like to add a thousand more WTFs. Seems like the name of the movie for which Saif got the award speaks for itself.

Supporting Actress: Aditi Rao Hydari – Ye Saali Zindagi / OKS:  Parineeti Chopra – Ladies Vs Ricky Bahl
Verdict: Fair-dos.

Actor: Ranbir Kapoor – Rockstar / OKS: Ranbir Kapoor – Rockstar
Verdict: Told ya!! Was anyone else even competing?

Actress: Vidya Balan – The Dirty Picture / OKS:  Vidya Balan – The Dirty Picture
Verdict: Ditto!

Director: Milan Luthria – The Dirty Picture / OKS:  Milan Luthria – The Dirty Picture
Verdict: Told ya! Although, I believe Filmfare will decided otherwise.

Film: The Dirty Picture / ZNMD / OKS: Shor in the City
Verdict: WTF!! Fair-dos. I managed to get both of them wrong. LOL. And what part of Best Film says two movies? Aah, it’s all about loving your family and front row seats.

 MORE WTF-ery 

Popular Choice Male: Shahrukh Khan for Don 2. / OKS: Can I LOL now, or should I just shoot you in the face?

Popular Choice Female: Deepika Padukone for Desi Boyz. / OKS: What movie is that ?

Performer Of The Year: Ekta Kapoor / OKS: Thank you Ekta jee for making The Dirty Picture and Ragini MMS and Shor in the City.

Jodi Award: SRK and Priyanka Chopra / OKS: Did I hear her blush and smile uncontrollably again like on that Koffee show?

Ramnath Goenka Memorial Award for “having made a difference”  - Aarakshan
OKS: And Stanley Ka Dabba which addressed the issue of Child  Labour is irrelevant compared to the “making difference” qualities of Saif winning the Supporting Actor. Two words – Bitch please!

Didn’t predict in my previous post:

Sound Design: Kunal Sharma – Shaitan
Editing: Huzefa Lokhandwala – Delhi Belly
Production Design: Delhi Belly
SFX: Ra.One
Screenplay: Delhi Belly

SCORES:

Told ya: [Correct Predictions ] – 9 out of 35
WTF: [Screen needs some education ] –  8.5 out of 35
Fair-dos: [That was ok! ] – 9.5 out of 35

And Asha Bhonsle received the Lifetime Achievement Award. Congratulations Asha jee and keep blessing us with your melodious voice. On that note, I end this post. Please leave your comments below.

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