January has been very rewarding in terms of providing us trending hashtags to tweet about. From #Agneepath, to #Filmfare, to #SlapGate. For the uninitiated, SRK, in the wee hours of the celebration party of Agneepath (hosted by Sanjay Dutt), performed a slapasoarus act on Farah Khan’s husband, Shirish Kunder. Apparently, the long haired editor had it coming (as the SRK fans would tell ya!), because of his open criticism of Ra.One on twitter.

Whether you belong to the #TeamSRK, or #TeamFarah, these two sets do not intersect any more (i.e. no common elements anymore – c’mon, it’s basic arithmetic). Here is a deconstruction of the events that happened, according to unofficial sources:-

Warning: All events depicted below are fictitious, and are in no way, related to any event of the past, present or future. We come from another timeline and dimension altogether – known as Desi-Funkistan. The author will NOT entertain any threats, lawsuits or hate-mails, as he cannot read any language on Earth. This post is the result of a very highly sophisticated Fun-English translator.

OKS Exclusive: Unofficial Footage of SRK hitting SK

Here’s an overheard conversation from the infamous party
(All times are in IST)

3:00 am:- After the Filmfare awards, people at the party. Amongst them, a certain Mr.Kunder, under the influence of daaru

P.S. Only official photo available of Shirish Kunder
(Haven’t you seen Agneepath?)

3:05 am:- His threshold of tolerance being challenged,
SRK makes a comeback comment.

3:17 am:- Mr. Kunder, seems to be late with his reactions

3:17:55 am:- SRK is exceptionally fast with his replies

3:20 am:- SK gives his best shot at comeback

3:25 am:- Host Sanju Baba aka Kancha, on an overdose of Red Bull,
makes an entry.

What happened after that is a bigger mystery than big foot, or unicorns. But according to host,  Sanju Baba’s  (who was on an overdose of Red Bull) witness statement, the following incident happened. [Re-enacted by professional look-alikes] Viewer discretion is advised.

3:30 am - Other people at the party [Obligatory use of rage faces]

….After the media started reporting in a frenzy..
SRK slapped, hit, abused SK with all the masala…

A few hours later… on twitter….

… A few more hours later on twitter …

2:pm GMT. i.e. 7:30 pm IST: Meanwhile at the OneKnightStands HQ

12:pm Next Morning – The Meme is posted. And OKS has second thoughts

But then…

FIN.

______________________________________________________

[Rage Comics made by Ragemaker. GIF courtesy: Bollypop]

P.S. The author does not take any responsibility for the accuracy of the above images. The actual incident happened at around 4:15 am IST, a full hour before the above mentioned events. This is a work of fiction, and not meant to malign any characters/human beings – living, dead or virtual. All that has already been done by #SlapGate on twitter.
Issued in public interest, and also due to fear of being sued by Red Chillies.

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I am going through a mental state right now. And hence, my ideas, my thought process and my interpretation of daily life is bizarre (even for me). It’s probably an after-effect of sleeping 5 hours a day, and watching too much sci-fi. For the uninitiated, I am a self-proclaimed geek ( I have a separate blog catering to that side of me – 9e3k ). Anywho, that bit of background information was necessary, because whilst recapping to 2000′s JP Dutta feature – Refugee, I have made some liberal changes in the name of creativity and the sole purpose of achieving ‘Nirmal Anand’.

Original synopsis: Refugee tells the story of two lovers from either side of the border. Abhishek portrays the lead role of Refugee, an illegal transporter facilitating families to cross the border. And then he falls in love with one of the passengers – Naaz (Kareena Kapoor ). And then they sing, they dance, they face conflicts from the border authorities, and eventually overcome all odds. And oh, she conceives a baby and has the delivery at the Line of Control. And if I can remember correctly, Suniel Shetty ( who plays this Pakistani army dude) names that holy place of delivery – Insaniyatstan. Epic Etymology.

Now with no disrespect to JP Dutta or to the entire team of Refugee, hasn’t that story of love been done a zillion time before? Ok, not a zillion times agreed ( there aren’t as many movies made yet LOL). How about we give Refugee, the much needed booster kick and convert it into an Epic Sci-Fi saga. In four scenes flat.

Scene 1: Lost in the desert between this universe and the other, is our female lead – Bebo.

Yes, she is cursed by a Timelord. Not Samay ( or Harish Bhimani),  but by a proper Timelord, who sucks out energy from her life-source. That is, the remaining time she has to live, is all converted into KiloJoules of energy, and she is stuck in this time-frame of 4 seconds. Poor girl.

Scene 2 commences after the jump.

Scene 2: Our Munda – Male Lead is a space traveller and also a mutant. He received his internship under Magneto himself, and with Mannaniya Adhyaksh Mahoday Magneto’s Aashirwaad, can bend not only metals and matter, but also time and space. A brief demo.

Yes, the ability to bend not only metals, but also  matter, time and space have been added for convenience of the plot. Creative Freedom you see.

Scene 3:  BEBO won’t trust Junior Bachchan. It takes two songs to convince her that indeed, Sadda Abhishek can break the curse. Bebo’s doubt is that if Abhishek is that powerful, then why is he not wearing an underwear outside and instead wearing a Pathani suit. Silly woman. No budget for costumes due to SFX budget. Anywho, after extra efforts of man convincing woman, an exercise is triggered, where North and South poles of the magnets situated in Abhishek and Bebo’s palms respectively, are joined and separated. This process is repeated 42 times *wink wink* !

Scene 4: Once the curse is broken, the only thing left is for the couple to kiss and make out and live happily ever after. But since this is a SciFi love saga, almost on the lines of Star Wars (but less politics and much lesser plastic soldiers), and also since we are intrinsically Desi peepuul, we enjoy our Bhangra at any occasion. So, here you go people. Let’s do the…..

JEDI BHANGRA

FIN.

========================================================

Share the love and awesomeness of this post using the buttons below. May the Force be with you. And someone please tweet this to Mr JuniorBachchan as well.

Lets have some fun. I haven’t had those in quite some time now. LOLjk. We always have fun at OKS (or at least try to have some). Lately, I have been quite busy with work blah blah! So, I haven’t really had the time to reflect upon movies that I watched, liked or disliked. But I underestimated my own brain. Hehe.

Ok, to prove that, let me tell you with what I came up this time. Think of two totally unrelated characters and let’s bring them together. For instance (as is evident from the title) – Baburao Apte aka Babu Bhaiya (from Hera Pheri ) and Luckvinder Singh aka Lucky (Oye Lucky Lucky Oye ). I know , I know – Babu Bhaiya, I mean Paresh Rawal portrayed Lucky’s father’s role. But it still doesn’t count as an overlap.

Think of the characters:

Babu Bhaiya: Jai Maharashtra!! He’s a kind bloke at heart. Runs a garage, is a drunkard (he likes his khamba) and has two harami tenants. He’s got signature carbon-framed glasses, wears a dhoti always and is troubled by his phone number (Star Garage) being swapped with Star Fisheries.

Lucky: Dilli ka munda, Sadda Lucky is multi-talented and versatile as a Swiss knife. He’s attitude with life can be summed up in one line – Kyun? Kar Nahi Sakta? [ Why? Why can't I do this? ]. And he’ll stop at nothing to achieve what he desires for. Superchor! Of course he’s got Bangalee as his sidekick. And Bangalee knows a bit more about A-tomatic buttons of fancy cars. Shoo Shaa!!

So what if these two characters shared a scene together? Would we see something like this?

And, Lucky replied…

I know, this doesn’t really match the hype of the title. You must have expected that I might weave a whole new universe with these characters interacting. But, in my defense, those last two GIFs have made me LOL even whilst I was making them. Just look at it. I’m a fucking genius

Now jump into the comments and leave your own thoughts about what, how and where would these two gems interact and what situations would raise due to these. And if you liked these post, feel free to share it. Cheerio!

P.S. A big salute to the genius of Priyadarshan, Paresh Rawal, Manjot Singh and Dibakar Banerjee.

Disclaimer: The intention of this post is not to mar any person’s dignity or self esteem, dead or alive. Its just a piss take and please take it in the best of the spirits. Please don’t sue me. I am not a rich dude. KTHXBAI!

Ok, I am the occasional chick-flick visitor. I have watched the likes of Notting Hill (who hasn’t), Bridget Jones Diary etc etc. On quite a few occasions, I have managed to even like them. Not because of the underlying romance, but because the characterisation was very well dealt with. Be it the failing travel book store owner or the dumped writer who falls for the Portuguese girl or even the dancing Prime Minister (I know you know all those references). Which now brings me to Aisha, an adaptation of Jane Austen’s Emma (as the publicity press releases say) and unofficially copied from Clueless. I have neither read the book, nor seen the Alicia Silverstone movie. So what I write here, is just judging the movie by its own strengths and flaws.

Well you remember the first of the series – Tweeting the Movie – Veer( Part 1 and Part 2) . So here I am, with Chapter 2 – Aisha. Its always fun to take the piss out of movies which make you realise about the two hours of your life that you’ll never get back. And so here I am, spending more than 2 hours to get this post done.
P.S. The language on this post can get a bit too colourful for your taste, if you know what I mean

Hiya @everyone. I am like totally awesome chick.

I like, spend my rich Dad’s hard-earned cash for a living and have nicknamed it ‘Event Management’. How cool! #winwin

And like, I totally dig true love. Its so cute to see MILFs getting hitched with DILFs innit. #AishaIsAwesome Pls RT. kthxbye

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P.S. I like animals, I pretend to like Polo coz its totally upmarket.

Quick, time for an Elle makeover twitpic.

I’m having a hangover from that party I had last night. Hence the glasses.

Also, I can’t remember which movie I am in right now. Is this ‘I Hate Luv Stories’? #hangover

Also, I so love sobbing whilst I watch that Kajol-SRK dancing in the rain scene from K2H2. That movie is my Bible.

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Hiya @everyone. I am Bose, Pinky Bose.

Together with Aisha, we spread the all mighty shallowness of our lives through our devotion to the Elles, Vogues, Chanels and the likes.

We wear shades in the night (just kidding!).

Oh, I love Aisha so much that I’d get my face cloned like her. #scifiTweet

Together, we form the ‘We love Aisha fanclub’ and spend all day long spending money on all kinda.. ooooh shoes!!!

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Myself Shefali from Haryana. I am the Behenji types.

I am like in the big city to find a Dulha for myself, and fall in love, #HayyRabba!!

Doesn’t matter how many times I fool myself falling in ‘love’ with so many men. Oh! I am so confused jee.

Thanks Aisha jee, for making me your project, and transforming me into that…

Here’s my Before and After transform pic. Now watch closely, coz this is going to be more interesting than anything else in this movie.

Some dude will definitely fall for me, hai naa!

P.S. All this was my evil plan, huaahahaa. All this while, when Aisha and everyone else would be busy dealing with all the superficial problems of their shallow lives, I will actually steal the show. Like totally! #ShefaliFTW

And yes, that last tweet was more than 140 characters. I’m awesome!

So, officially, we are the I love Aisha fan club. Any moment now, we’ll start singing – Piya Piya O Piya Piya

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Whilst all of this is happening, the dudes in the movie are suffering from acute deficiency of testosterone.

@Aisha Girl, you need to take life lessons from me. After all, I am Mr.Practical from Wharton and shit.

@AmritaNYReturnGal You did come back due to recession, didn’t you? The black bikini clad sari outfit suits you.

@Aisha You gotta stop trying to fabricate lovey dovey situations aight!

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Oi @Arjun, you need to stop giving me these tips. If I needed those, I’d rather go to Baba Ramdev and start doing Kapaal Bharti. Bloody #InvestmentBanker!!

Oh yes, ’bout the last tweet. These non-creative rational beings, they should be totally eradicated from the face of this earth.

And then, this planet will be filled with people – all of whom are dressed in Armani and #Versace branded garments. How pwetty!

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@Aisha Of course, of course , that’s the life innit.

BTW @Aisha, why have you kept your mouth open so widely? Breathing problems?

Also @Aisha, what’s with those heart shaped glasses.

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Arre nahi yaar @Arjun, my eyes are all drained out by the immense amount of work I have put into nuturing my pink teddy bear all night.

And suno @Arjun, my mouth is open, just in case someone gives me some ‘chanda’ for my next new dress. I am bankrupt now you see.

Where’s mah girls?? Bitches!!! Come to me. #ILoveAishaFanClub

@Shefali Tum ye karo @PinkyBose Tum wo karo

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Naari ka Samman Karo, Mat Uska Apmaan karo !!!

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Man, what am I supposed to do. @Aisha Is  this our first date?

@AmritaNYReturnGal Is this our first… ummmmmm!!!!

Man, what am I supposed to do. Build some more body??

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Enough!!! Enough of all this shallowness. Even I can’t sink LOL.

Time now to hit on that rich @MithaiwallaDude. I know he totally digs Aisha, but still.Shhh!! #EvilPlan

And I know exactly when to ask him out, right after he comes out of the loo, and when I am like almost shitting myself (literally) with the loo roll in my hand. #Twitpic

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Meanwhile, I’ll keep on stealing the thunder from all these bitches.

I’m gonna first fall for Randhir, oh jee am confused.. And then Dhruv, and then.. Arjun.

Ha! The slag from Haryana, that’s what they’ll call me.

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No one steals the thunder of the superbitch, that’s me!!!! Banungi main.. #Bitchwanti

Now we have had the Guitar as a symbol of uber-coolness and what Anu Malik would point out as “The X-Factor” in a dude, or even in a dudette. Bollywood has always tried to incorporate this instrument of uber-coolness into the character of our main protagonists on whose responsible shoulders, lies the responsibility of carrying the ‘cool’ load. But more often than not, these shoulders tend to slip and the rather than looking like a confident weight lifter, they often tend to look like a malnutrition patient in an Atlas position [really horrible analogy I know]. Well, after all, our Bollywood heroes are not really good guitarists- not until Saif Ali Khan came into the scene and showed how it’s done [ just have a look at Piyu Bole for example, and you'll know what I mean ]. Neither can they mimic as passable mock rockers.

Now I am a Guitar Hero addict, and cannot play a single song on the Guitar except for a few bass riffs. And whenever I see these Bollywood ‘Guitar Heroes’ scoring with the chicks as they strum their fingers on the strings in a fashionable way which is miles away from the actual tune being played [ or sometimes they even don't bother to strum ], my blood boils [ a literal translation of a Hindi proverb : Khoon Khaulta Hai Mera ]. So, to take my revenge, here I list down 10 of those big criminals who have tormented me in many a nightmares in their horrible avatars.

Behold for the Guitar Villains of Bollywood

10. Bharat Bhushan – Tum Bin Jaau Kaha ( Pyar Ka Mausam ).

The confidence with which Bharat Bhushan jee strums that little Ukelele-ish instrument with his right pinky sticking out deserves a thousand claps. And he completely melts his wife with his music. Now, it’s a different argument that his wife is none other than Nirupa Roy. I love this song, and Kishore da’s falsetto is impeccable. But Bharat jee’s guitar skills are .. let’s not really go deep into it. [Video Link: Tum Bin Jaau Kaha ]Shall we move on to the next one

9. Biswajeet – Lakho Hai Yaha Dilwale ( Kismat )

Now, this is a song from that era of Bollywood which was washed away by the Beatles and Elvis wave. The jacket, the bow tie, the tight trousers, the high heeled pointed shoes and most noticeably, a club environment where a band accompanies our Guitar dude. Mohd. Rafi used to be the weapon of choice, but this song has Mahendra Kapoor on the vocals. So far so good. Until they decided that the dude will be – Biswajeet.  The accompanying band is called – The Monkeys, and no wonder the lead vocalist dances like that [ watch the video, man, I dare you, I double dare you not to laugh ]. And then, just when you thought he couldn’t do it better, he goes hands free [ near 0: 55 in the video ]. And then, back to the dance. ROFL.

8. Tariq – Aapke Kamre Main ( Yaadon Ki Baarat )

I friggin love this song. It has so much Panchamda’s awesomeness filled to the brim. And Kishore da and Asha jee have just done some chummeshwari performance on this song. But as always, there is a big Haddi in this Kebab. And that is the Guitar maestro’s killer onscreen solos. Now, I really don’t know where to begin and in fact, I am quite at loss of words here. To compare this with Biswajeet’s song, I think Tariq’s performance is almost 10 times the Ridic factor of the previous one. If you think I am exaggerating, try and watch this one out here [ video: Aapke Kamre Mein ]

7. Tariq (again) – Chand Mera Dil ( Hum Kisi Se Kam Nahi )

Again, one of Panchamda’s spellbinding medleys [ which includes an 'inspired' Mamma Mia' ] which begins with a very lovey-dovey ballad – Chand Mera Dil on the guitar. And Tariq kills it – yet again. Oh the shades, the bell bottoms and the hair. Hahahaaha!!!!! What about the guitar? Screw the guitar. Heroes are too awesome to play it right. The left hand never moves a spot, and even then, awesomeness is delivered intact. [ Video here: Chand Mera Dil ]

6. Amitabh Bachchan – Disco Bhangra ( Ganga Jamuna Saraswati )

Now, I haven’t seen this movie. And I was introduced to this by Her Highness Pitu Jee on twitter. And it stayed in my head for quite a long time. It is possibly the inspiration behind this post. Yes, it is THAT ridiculous. Big B in leather (think MJ in Bad) , with an acoustic guitar , and dancing to yes – Disco AND Bhangra. You never thought it would have been possible in this life. Well, that is why he’s Big B. Oh, not to forget there’s Meenakshi Seshadri dancing in a Banjara outfit, and some really fugly extras and to top it all – Mohd. Aziz on the vocals. Hang on, I need to link the video [ Video: Disco Bhangra ] You have to pay real good attention to the lyrics [ 2:55 ]- Dance Dikhaunga Aisa – Michael Jackson Jaisa [ Please note how Aby does the crotch move ].

5. Sharukh Khan and his chicks – Koi Mil Gaya ( Kuch Kuch Hota Hai )

I really hate Mohabbatein, and I wanted to include that whole violin thing he does in the movie. But my friend convinced me, that its technically not a Guitar. And since this post is about Guitar, I had to find the next worst thing. So, after intensive research, I found this grave crime being committed by King Khan in KJo’s K2H2. I love this song..I really do. But Rani starts playing the Guitar on a bass riff – possibly it’s a Bass guitar. And SRK just takes the same guitar and belts out a cracking tone from a proper Electric Guitar. Wrong baby Wrong. [Video Link: Koi Mil Gaya ]

And it doesn’t stop there. All those babes with those guitars; they don’t even know how to properly hold it. I know, I know! It’s just a part of the props department in Farah Khan’s brilliant college choreography, and visually it looks quite fun, but since we are digging in deep into technicality, this one gets a #FAIL rating. Sorry, I didn’t make the rules

4. Hrithik Roshan – Chand Sitaare ( Kaho Na Pyar Hai )

It is a sin to carry around a guitar as a friggin prop when the song does not have a single note of the guitar. Crimes like these have been committed by Jugal Hansraj as well [ in Ghar Se Nikalte Hi - Papa Kehte Hai ]. But that movie isn’t big enough to qualify. This one’s a late 90′s blockbuster. So, the dude gets out of his friggin boat, stretches out his arms, with his left one holding an acoustic guitar. Then the song begins [ after an initial KLPD episode]. And the dude ditches the guitar to move towards the chick and do some Bollywood routine dance coz – Taaza Taaza Kali Kheeli Hai, HUm Uske Deewane Hai. Sucka! [Video Link:  Chaand Sitaare ]

3. Salman Khan – O O Jaane Jana (Pyar Kiya To Darna Kya )

Desi dudes like Salman bhaiya will never be able to appreciate the fine art of guitaring. We get a sample of this in one those songs which every desi dude will try to learn in the very first month of learning to play the guitar. This was a rage when it came out, and when I saw the picturisation, I was disappointed. Salman bhai gives a shot of his muscle-wallah back, and then gives an about turn with the words – I Love You All. And then we get to see, he’s not playing the guitar at all. Whilst he finishes his intro dialogue, the accompanying dancers of Ganesh Hegde Dance Company show their synchronicity. And then Salman Bhai exclaims – Hit It, and friggin throws the guitar to an extra – a friggin extra who never gets to see the light of the day again. You tell me, Ye Kahaa Ka Insaaf Hai ??? [ How is this meant to be justice] [Video Link: O O Jaane Jana ]

2. Rahul Roy – Saanso Ki Zaroorat Hai (Aashiqui)

Yes, another one of those classic Bollywood guitar songs. I don’t know where to begin. Just have a look at this clip and decide for yourself [ Video Link: Saanso Ki Zaroorat Hai] . Just to remind, this is an era where Deepak Tijori still exists on the big screen. Even though, he commits himself to the sidekick role for eternity until Tushar Kapoor comes for the rescue.

But to top it all – the Sartaaj of all Guitar crimes is committed by the King of the Bollywood Guitar villains…and he is…..Wait for it…..

KAKAJEE…!!!

1. Rajesh Khanna and Mithun jr. – Goro Ki Naa Kaalo Ki (Disco Dancer )

I swear man. This video defies all musical laws. Acoustic Guitars blasting public minds with the techno Twoin Twoing sounds. Kakajee accelerating his congo playing , and a Rs.5 worth plastic guitar making Mandolin sounds. This is a song which spreads the word against discrimination  on the basis of colour. What they didn’t know was that a decade later Fair n Lovely and Fair n Handsome are going to be the bestselling cream in India.  Watch this video just for the sheer raw dance power of Kakajee who doesn’t require his left hand to play the guitar. He’s THAT awesome. [Video link: Goro Ki Naa Kaalo Ki ]

So, there you go , those are my top 10 Guitar Villains of Bollywood. I know Bollywood doesn’t necessarily translate to technically correct. But even then, Guitar crime is ruining the youth more than Rakhi Sawant [ according to an independent survey from Aaj Tak ].

Sorry, but I couldn’t find any video of Tushar Kapoor playing the guitar. If you have your own favourites to add to this list, please do so by adding an appropriate adjective before it in the comments section. Cheerio!

NOTE: This is a submission for the Reel-life Bloggers contest and links to wogmaand reviewgang.

Bah! Ek Rahen Veer

We are back with the concluding part of the Movie Review. There was no reason to spread this across two posts other than my laziness. Trust me when I say that. I am not capitalising the interest in Veer to make it a blog merchandise kinda shit. I am not corporate minded. Actually, that’s not true, I am a bit. Forgive me, let’s get back to the post.

TAKE 2, SHOT 1.. ACTION

Yeah, so that Jaggu Dada in the black outfit calls himself the Yuvraj of Madhavgarh. He somewhat reminds me of the drunkard Chunni Lal and everytime I talk to him, I get the intuition that he might spit out the words – Hey Bidhhu!! any moment. Anywho, so he betrayed us, and killed lots of our Pindhari bros. And I cut his arm. That was so awesome Veera.

ANYWHO!!! Yeah, so now I have the eyeliner in place.

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I’m gonna rob that lady’s brooch just to throw it back. Hang on, I’m gonna do it in Sholay style which co-incidentally my Bilogical Dadde had written.

And I’m gona win her heart, I mean the princesses.
And you know what, while doing so, I am gonna fly through the coaches,split my thunder thighs and still maintain my Ninja discreet look and my eyeliner intact.

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*Smitten*

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Much more occurin’ after the Jump. And there’s the Moral of the Story!!

..contd

Oi Veer, Go to London.

Those overacting Missionaries are driving me insane.

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Let’s go Bro to London. And not just anywhere, but to UCL.

We’ll learn the Angrez psychology in UCL.

I’ll be extremely happy to be your lame sidekick all my life.

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Okay, now don’t speak anymore dialogues. You’re stealing my thunder.

Appa, these Angrez log, they dance and sing with me.

They caned me, but All iz well.

Time to break into a dream sequence song, take off my shirt although it’s still very cold here.

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Time to show some awesome angst.

And the infamous Badass look.

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Smitten*

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I think I don’t have to try hard. Oh I gotta dance yet again

Smitten

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Oh dammit, that chick is Madhavgarh’s Yuvraggi to be.

Lemme tell ya gal- I’ll kill your bros and then I’ll kill yo dad

Cool. Still smitten

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AND THEN..Veer and Punya, after taking out 5 kilos of gosht, go back to India without being prosecuted in anyway by the Angrez govt. How could they? Tell me, tell me!!

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So what did you learn?

Dancing, lots of styles. English. Nothing regarding warfare,

conspiring plans etc etc.

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Awesome. Pindhari Pindhari Pindhari

Time for some dance with Orange Jeans and

Fur Jackets and let’s cling our pseudo-Beer Bottles.

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Oh Appa/Dadde – I is in Love. With Dhara….

Yashodhara from Madhavgarh…

Don’t Disturb

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Cool. Imma gonna go there alone as a Yuvraj of some random place near Lahore.

Deceive the Brits + Madhavgarh, and win Yasho in the Swayamvar

Oi NDTV. They are organising a Swayamvar, but not crediting ya. It’s ok yeah?

Swayamvar Time. Unveil the Bahu look.

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Time traveller Badass Brit guy from TNA

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@ChunniBabu_Jaggu: You are so screwed Dude

———————————————————————————————————————

No I am not, I still have a plan up my sleeve.

No not my golden arm, the other one.

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Dadde, I has your Bahu. We are not gonna kill now.

I am non-violent now all of a sudden.

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Dude, you’re so gay. I demand action between you and your Dadde.

Godammit, I was once Haidar Ali, father of Tipu Sultan in a National
Television series, where the war scenes in every episode made more
sense than the whole of this movie.

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I’m gonna throw in a mythological reference now -

Bheeshma, yea I am like him.

Gotta Fight.

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BTW, gimme some time to have my plan B ready.

Yasho, trust me, it’ll be done in no time.

Am tired now.

Appaaaaaaa… don’t whoop my ass pwease.

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You guys underestimated the sleepwalking Jaggu Dada.

KAPOW!!

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I am so dead. Hang on, I still have time to kill yo dad.

And listen, I am returning as my own son. Yeah, coz we did it last night ‘member.

Whaaaaaa???? You fell ASLEEP????

#FML !! All the heroism, the roars and the one night equates to NOTHING

Nahhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Yep time for my Udhas face, yes that one.

No, still only friends with Pankaj Udhas.

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Moving on…

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Now you’re so dead dude.

Yeah me thinks too.

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And so does me. Aiiyooo

FLASHFORWARD..

I am back from the set of London Dreams…

dammit I forgot to change

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This is for any future projects involving Rajneeti.
Calling Prakash Jha now.

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Moral of the story:

Will someone fucking tell me WTF am I, Bharat Dabholkar, doing in this movie,

standing as one of the members of Stonehenge with a B-Grade movie

wala moustache?????

I am effin Bharat ‘Amul’ Dabholkar. Doodh ki Nadiya Baha Doonga.

***Veer + Durgati = Veer-Gati ***

When a movie inspires you to create something new, or even pushes you to the limits of inventing a new mashup of two different medium, it certainly is some form of genius in one way or another.  Avatar did it with its 360 degrees of Pandora. And Veer has done the same with its Pindharis. Brute, drunk, sexually fertile and hormonally in their teens, the Pindhari Rajputs are not much different from the Na’vis. Now if you believe in every word I have said so far, go wash your face. To take the name of Cameron’s Avatar and Anil Sharma & Salman’s Veer-Avatar in the same breathe cannot be justified by any stretch of imagination. But yes, I do believe that Veer has inspired me to create something new. And that inspiration has resulted me to amalgamate Twitter into the 1860s revolt by the Pindharis. Basically what we are speaking here is -

How Veer [Salman] under the Chatrachaya of Prithvi [Mithun] got drunk, danced on some tribal Tubthumping music, went to London, got the Dulhania, Pwned Jaggu Dada and Saved the day

When the movie begins with the Disclaimer – All animals have treated properly blah blah!, they completely forgot to mention that the movie could be visually, mentally and emotionally extremely torturous to humans. Moving on, here we go – Tweeting the Movie – Veer.

Salman_TheVeer: @Anil_Gadar_Sharma I been writing. Sholay’s train robbery,romance, London, a Jalwa types drunk dance and a Katrina look-alike. Wht say?

Anil_Gadar_Sharma: @Salman_TheVeer Awesome dude. Is Sohail in 2? He’s mah fav.Reminds me of Rajendranath without glasses.

Salman_TheVeer:@Prabhu_Mithun Dada are you in?  Neena G is playin ur wifey.Promise u get lotsa hugs 4m her

Prabhu_Mithun: @Salman_TheVeer Twitter Daemon auto reply–>Account last active during Luck’s release.

Salman_TheVeer:@Prabhu_Mithun Dada…WTF?

Prabhu_Mithun: @Salman_TheVeer Sorry dude, I get lotsa spam and stuff. Thought u were fake! Yes I’m in. Who’ll be my Bahu?

Salman_TheVeer:@Prabhu_Mithun: A new chick called Fatrina Zarine. Nice ..ahem! She’s ‘fit’ for the role.

Prabhu_Mithun: @Salman_TheVeer Twitpic me her audition pics.

*** FATRINA’s AUDITION PICS***

I am basically a very awesome choice for this role.

My strengths are my Full Fat Double Cream and strictly supervised Oversized diet.

I needed to look the role as there was no VLCC in the 19th century.

My Videsi Bandi Look.

Also, if there was Audience poll for the Best Debut role this year,
this’ll be my Phone Vote Face

I’m like so right for this role. I’ll run you through my other pics.

My smitten look. I am gonna be so smitten by him all throughout the movie.

Did I tell ya that this will also be my Breaking into a Song face.

And if there was an Audience poll, this would be ‘Phone Vote’ face

In case you thought I was too videsi, here I am in an Ekta Kapoor Bahu attire.

See, I can totally play the Royal Vadhu. Attention Manish Malhotra and @kjohar25

***AND MY LAST TWO PICS TO SEAL THE DEAL***

I can also do the make-up less de-glamoured look.

Just in case there is another Period movie

I know people say that I married Pankaj Udhas just to have this look, but I’ll say – We’re just good friends.

And lastly, the politically inspiring, white sari, Gandhi glasses, grey-haired, non-remarrying widow

I know it’s tough not to remarry when even my Saas [Mother in law] enjoys a better sex life.

But what to do, duty calls.

ROLL SOUND, LIGHTS, CAMERA , ACTION!

We Pindharis are Mental. Really. Who negotiates with Jaggu Dada eh?

But then, even though we knew he’d ditch us, the chance to cut his arm off is so BADASS!!

But dude, our Pindhari Bros are totally pwned by Madhavgarh.

And although we are Rajputs, I speak in “Behen-De-Takke” Punjabi.

We gotta start multiplying to compensate for our lost population.

And so…

I’m here just to speak 2 lines.

And then I’ll be invited to that Reality show as a guest judge.

Dadde!!!!!

Dadde is a bit busy Beta Veer. hic!

Enough. I’m gonna grow up so fast after that crappy Spartan training.

I have everything in place. Horses, Black Turbans and Eyeliners.

Will be soon dancing in Orange Jeans and fur-jackets. Woot Woot.
Man I am so awesome to be contained in a single post, I’ll need to continue in another one.

You heard the MAN. We’ll be back soon with the Second Part. Until then, shout it out in the comments. Peace. Out!

..contd: Veer -Review -Part 2.

****Anjali Sharma’s Probability Pie-Chart****
****for Prospective Dulha (Groom)****

‘Member Anjali Sharma’s mind is all messed up. Rahul Dude shows up after all these years when she finally learns to dress in a Sari. Aman Verma dude can’t get enough of Anjali love to follow her straight to the Summer camp. And the most cunningly conspiring kids won’t leave a single chance to convert Anjali Sharma into Mrs.Khanna. No wonder she was going through this. This is a state of Anjali Sharma’s mind when she is trying to be all analytical and has distributed the probability of her prospective groom.

Yep, all is not lost for Johnny. There is still Hope Yeah right!!.. says Anjali