Disclaimer: The intention of this post is not to mar any person’s dignity or self esteem, dead or alive. Its just a piss take and please take it in the best of the spirits. Please don’t sue me. I am not a rich dude. KTHXBAI!

Ok, I am the occasional chick-flick visitor. I have watched the likes of Notting Hill (who hasn’t), Bridget Jones Diary etc etc. On quite a few occasions, I have managed to even like them. Not because of the underlying romance, but because the characterisation was very well dealt with. Be it the failing travel book store owner or the dumped writer who falls for the Portuguese girl or even the dancing Prime Minister (I know you know all those references). Which now brings me to Aisha, an adaptation of Jane Austen’s Emma (as the publicity press releases say) and unofficially copied from Clueless. I have neither read the book, nor seen the Alicia Silverstone movie. So what I write here, is just judging the movie by its own strengths and flaws.

Well you remember the first of the series – Tweeting the Movie – Veer( Part 1 and Part 2) . So here I am, with Chapter 2 – Aisha. Its always fun to take the piss out of movies which make you realise about the two hours of your life that you’ll never get back. And so here I am, spending more than 2 hours to get this post done.
P.S. The language on this post can get a bit too colourful for your taste, if you know what I mean

Hiya @everyone. I am like totally awesome chick.

I like, spend my rich Dad’s hard-earned cash for a living and have nicknamed it ‘Event Management’. How cool! #winwin

And like, I totally dig true love. Its so cute to see MILFs getting hitched with DILFs innit. #AishaIsAwesome Pls RT. kthxbye

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P.S. I like animals, I pretend to like Polo coz its totally upmarket.

Quick, time for an Elle makeover twitpic.

I’m having a hangover from that party I had last night. Hence the glasses.

Also, I can’t remember which movie I am in right now. Is this ‘I Hate Luv Stories’? #hangover

Also, I so love sobbing whilst I watch that Kajol-SRK dancing in the rain scene from K2H2. That movie is my Bible.

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Hiya @everyone. I am Bose, Pinky Bose.

Together with Aisha, we spread the all mighty shallowness of our lives through our devotion to the Elles, Vogues, Chanels and the likes.

We wear shades in the night (just kidding!).

Oh, I love Aisha so much that I’d get my face cloned like her. #scifiTweet

Together, we form the ‘We love Aisha fanclub’ and spend all day long spending money on all kinda.. ooooh shoes!!!

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Myself Shefali from Haryana. I am the Behenji types.

I am like in the big city to find a Dulha for myself, and fall in love, #HayyRabba!!

Doesn’t matter how many times I fool myself falling in ‘love’ with so many men. Oh! I am so confused jee.

Thanks Aisha jee, for making me your project, and transforming me into that…

Here’s my Before and After transform pic. Now watch closely, coz this is going to be more interesting than anything else in this movie.

Some dude will definitely fall for me, hai naa!

P.S. All this was my evil plan, huaahahaa. All this while, when Aisha and everyone else would be busy dealing with all the superficial problems of their shallow lives, I will actually steal the show. Like totally! #ShefaliFTW

And yes, that last tweet was more than 140 characters. I’m awesome!

So, officially, we are the I love Aisha fan club. Any moment now, we’ll start singing – Piya Piya O Piya Piya

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Whilst all of this is happening, the dudes in the movie are suffering from acute deficiency of testosterone.

@Aisha Girl, you need to take life lessons from me. After all, I am Mr.Practical from Wharton and shit.

@AmritaNYReturnGal You did come back due to recession, didn’t you? The black bikini clad sari outfit suits you.

@Aisha You gotta stop trying to fabricate lovey dovey situations aight!

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Oi @Arjun, you need to stop giving me these tips. If I needed those, I’d rather go to Baba Ramdev and start doing Kapaal Bharti. Bloody #InvestmentBanker!!

Oh yes, ’bout the last tweet. These non-creative rational beings, they should be totally eradicated from the face of this earth.

And then, this planet will be filled with people – all of whom are dressed in Armani and #Versace branded garments. How pwetty!

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@Aisha Of course, of course , that’s the life innit.

BTW @Aisha, why have you kept your mouth open so widely? Breathing problems?

Also @Aisha, what’s with those heart shaped glasses.

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Arre nahi yaar @Arjun, my eyes are all drained out by the immense amount of work I have put into nuturing my pink teddy bear all night.

And suno @Arjun, my mouth is open, just in case someone gives me some ‘chanda’ for my next new dress. I am bankrupt now you see.

Where’s mah girls?? Bitches!!! Come to me. #ILoveAishaFanClub

@Shefali Tum ye karo @PinkyBose Tum wo karo

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Naari ka Samman Karo, Mat Uska Apmaan karo !!!

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Man, what am I supposed to do. @Aisha Is  this our first date?

@AmritaNYReturnGal Is this our first… ummmmmm!!!!

Man, what am I supposed to do. Build some more body??

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Enough!!! Enough of all this shallowness. Even I can’t sink LOL.

Time now to hit on that rich @MithaiwallaDude. I know he totally digs Aisha, but still.Shhh!! #EvilPlan

And I know exactly when to ask him out, right after he comes out of the loo, and when I am like almost shitting myself (literally) with the loo roll in my hand. #Twitpic

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Meanwhile, I’ll keep on stealing the thunder from all these bitches.

I’m gonna first fall for Randhir, oh jee am confused.. And then Dhruv, and then.. Arjun.

Ha! The slag from Haryana, that’s what they’ll call me.

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No one steals the thunder of the superbitch, that’s me!!!! Banungi main.. #Bitchwanti

Now we have had the Guitar as a symbol of uber-coolness and what Anu Malik would point out as “The X-Factor” in a dude, or even in a dudette. Bollywood has always tried to incorporate this instrument of uber-coolness into the character of our main protagonists on whose responsible shoulders, lies the responsibility of carrying the ‘cool’ load. But more often than not, these shoulders tend to slip and the rather than looking like a confident weight lifter, they often tend to look like a malnutrition patient in an Atlas position [really horrible analogy I know]. Well, after all, our Bollywood heroes are not really good guitarists- not until Saif Ali Khan came into the scene and showed how it’s done [ just have a look at Piyu Bole for example, and you'll know what I mean ]. Neither can they mimic as passable mock rockers.

Now I am a Guitar Hero addict, and cannot play a single song on the Guitar except for a few bass riffs. And whenever I see these Bollywood ‘Guitar Heroes’ scoring with the chicks as they strum their fingers on the strings in a fashionable way which is miles away from the actual tune being played [ or sometimes they even don't bother to strum ], my blood boils [ a literal translation of a Hindi proverb : Khoon Khaulta Hai Mera ]. So, to take my revenge, here I list down 10 of those big criminals who have tormented me in many a nightmares in their horrible avatars.

Behold for the Guitar Villains of Bollywood

10. Bharat Bhushan – Tum Bin Jaau Kaha ( Pyar Ka Mausam ).

The confidence with which Bharat Bhushan jee strums that little Ukelele-ish instrument with his right pinky sticking out deserves a thousand claps. And he completely melts his wife with his music. Now, it’s a different argument that his wife is none other than Nirupa Roy. I love this song, and Kishore da’s falsetto is impeccable. But Bharat jee’s guitar skills are .. let’s not really go deep into it. [Video Link: Tum Bin Jaau Kaha ]Shall we move on to the next one

9. Biswajeet – Lakho Hai Yaha Dilwale ( Kismat )

Now, this is a song from that era of Bollywood which was washed away by the Beatles and Elvis wave. The jacket, the bow tie, the tight trousers, the high heeled pointed shoes and most noticeably, a club environment where a band accompanies our Guitar dude. Mohd. Rafi used to be the weapon of choice, but this song has Mahendra Kapoor on the vocals. So far so good. Until they decided that the dude will be – Biswajeet.  The accompanying band is called – The Monkeys, and no wonder the lead vocalist dances like that [ watch the video, man, I dare you, I double dare you not to laugh ]. And then, just when you thought he couldn’t do it better, he goes hands free [ near 0: 55 in the video ]. And then, back to the dance. ROFL.

8. Tariq – Aapke Kamre Main ( Yaadon Ki Baarat )

I friggin love this song. It has so much Panchamda’s awesomeness filled to the brim. And Kishore da and Asha jee have just done some chummeshwari performance on this song. But as always, there is a big Haddi in this Kebab. And that is the Guitar maestro’s killer onscreen solos. Now, I really don’t know where to begin and in fact, I am quite at loss of words here. To compare this with Biswajeet’s song, I think Tariq’s performance is almost 10 times the Ridic factor of the previous one. If you think I am exaggerating, try and watch this one out here [ video: Aapke Kamre Mein ]

7. Tariq (again) – Chand Mera Dil ( Hum Kisi Se Kam Nahi )

Again, one of Panchamda’s spellbinding medleys [ which includes an 'inspired' Mamma Mia' ] which begins with a very lovey-dovey ballad – Chand Mera Dil on the guitar. And Tariq kills it – yet again. Oh the shades, the bell bottoms and the hair. Hahahaaha!!!!! What about the guitar? Screw the guitar. Heroes are too awesome to play it right. The left hand never moves a spot, and even then, awesomeness is delivered intact. [ Video here: Chand Mera Dil ]

6. Amitabh Bachchan – Disco Bhangra ( Ganga Jamuna Saraswati )

Now, I haven’t seen this movie. And I was introduced to this by Her Highness Pitu Jee on twitter. And it stayed in my head for quite a long time. It is possibly the inspiration behind this post. Yes, it is THAT ridiculous. Big B in leather (think MJ in Bad) , with an acoustic guitar , and dancing to yes – Disco AND Bhangra. You never thought it would have been possible in this life. Well, that is why he’s Big B. Oh, not to forget there’s Meenakshi Seshadri dancing in a Banjara outfit, and some really fugly extras and to top it all – Mohd. Aziz on the vocals. Hang on, I need to link the video [ Video: Disco Bhangra ] You have to pay real good attention to the lyrics [ 2:55 ]- Dance Dikhaunga Aisa – Michael Jackson Jaisa [ Please note how Aby does the crotch move ].

5. Sharukh Khan and his chicks – Koi Mil Gaya ( Kuch Kuch Hota Hai )

I really hate Mohabbatein, and I wanted to include that whole violin thing he does in the movie. But my friend convinced me, that its technically not a Guitar. And since this post is about Guitar, I had to find the next worst thing. So, after intensive research, I found this grave crime being committed by King Khan in KJo’s K2H2. I love this song..I really do. But Rani starts playing the Guitar on a bass riff – possibly it’s a Bass guitar. And SRK just takes the same guitar and belts out a cracking tone from a proper Electric Guitar. Wrong baby Wrong. [Video Link: Koi Mil Gaya ]

And it doesn’t stop there. All those babes with those guitars; they don’t even know how to properly hold it. I know, I know! It’s just a part of the props department in Farah Khan’s brilliant college choreography, and visually it looks quite fun, but since we are digging in deep into technicality, this one gets a #FAIL rating. Sorry, I didn’t make the rules

4. Hrithik Roshan – Chand Sitaare ( Kaho Na Pyar Hai )

It is a sin to carry around a guitar as a friggin prop when the song does not have a single note of the guitar. Crimes like these have been committed by Jugal Hansraj as well [ in Ghar Se Nikalte Hi - Papa Kehte Hai ]. But that movie isn’t big enough to qualify. This one’s a late 90′s blockbuster. So, the dude gets out of his friggin boat, stretches out his arms, with his left one holding an acoustic guitar. Then the song begins [ after an initial KLPD episode]. And the dude ditches the guitar to move towards the chick and do some Bollywood routine dance coz – Taaza Taaza Kali Kheeli Hai, HUm Uske Deewane Hai. Sucka! [Video Link:  Chaand Sitaare ]

3. Salman Khan – O O Jaane Jana (Pyar Kiya To Darna Kya )

Desi dudes like Salman bhaiya will never be able to appreciate the fine art of guitaring. We get a sample of this in one those songs which every desi dude will try to learn in the very first month of learning to play the guitar. This was a rage when it came out, and when I saw the picturisation, I was disappointed. Salman bhai gives a shot of his muscle-wallah back, and then gives an about turn with the words – I Love You All. And then we get to see, he’s not playing the guitar at all. Whilst he finishes his intro dialogue, the accompanying dancers of Ganesh Hegde Dance Company show their synchronicity. And then Salman Bhai exclaims – Hit It, and friggin throws the guitar to an extra – a friggin extra who never gets to see the light of the day again. You tell me, Ye Kahaa Ka Insaaf Hai ??? [ How is this meant to be justice] [Video Link: O O Jaane Jana ]

2. Rahul Roy – Saanso Ki Zaroorat Hai (Aashiqui)

Yes, another one of those classic Bollywood guitar songs. I don’t know where to begin. Just have a look at this clip and decide for yourself [ Video Link: Saanso Ki Zaroorat Hai] . Just to remind, this is an era where Deepak Tijori still exists on the big screen. Even though, he commits himself to the sidekick role for eternity until Tushar Kapoor comes for the rescue.

But to top it all – the Sartaaj of all Guitar crimes is committed by the King of the Bollywood Guitar villains…and he is…..Wait for it…..

KAKAJEE…!!!

1. Rajesh Khanna and Mithun jr. – Goro Ki Naa Kaalo Ki (Disco Dancer )

I swear man. This video defies all musical laws. Acoustic Guitars blasting public minds with the techno Twoin Twoing sounds. Kakajee accelerating his congo playing , and a Rs.5 worth plastic guitar making Mandolin sounds. This is a song which spreads the word against discrimination  on the basis of colour. What they didn’t know was that a decade later Fair n Lovely and Fair n Handsome are going to be the bestselling cream in India.  Watch this video just for the sheer raw dance power of Kakajee who doesn’t require his left hand to play the guitar. He’s THAT awesome. [Video link: Goro Ki Naa Kaalo Ki ]

So, there you go , those are my top 10 Guitar Villains of Bollywood. I know Bollywood doesn’t necessarily translate to technically correct. But even then, Guitar crime is ruining the youth more than Rakhi Sawant [ according to an independent survey from Aaj Tak ].

Sorry, but I couldn’t find any video of Tushar Kapoor playing the guitar. If you have your own favourites to add to this list, please do so by adding an appropriate adjective before it in the comments section. Cheerio!

Bah! Ek Rahen Veer

We are back with the concluding part of the Movie Review. There was no reason to spread this across two posts other than my laziness. Trust me when I say that. I am not capitalising the interest in Veer to make it a blog merchandise kinda shit. I am not corporate minded. Actually, that’s not true, I am a bit. Forgive me, let’s get back to the post.

TAKE 2, SHOT 1.. ACTION

Yeah, so that Jaggu Dada in the black outfit calls himself the Yuvraj of Madhavgarh. He somewhat reminds me of the drunkard Chunni Lal and everytime I talk to him, I get the intuition that he might spit out the words – Hey Bidhhu!! any moment. Anywho, so he betrayed us, and killed lots of our Pindhari bros. And I cut his arm. That was so awesome Veera.

ANYWHO!!! Yeah, so now I have the eyeliner in place.

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I’m gonna rob that lady’s brooch just to throw it back. Hang on, I’m gonna do it in Sholay style which co-incidentally my Bilogical Dadde had written.

And I’m gona win her heart, I mean the princesses.
And you know what, while doing so, I am gonna fly through the coaches,split my thunder thighs and still maintain my Ninja discreet look and my eyeliner intact.

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*Smitten*

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Much more occurin’ after the Jump. And there’s the Moral of the Story!!

..contd

Oi Veer, Go to London.

Those overacting Missionaries are driving me insane.

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Let’s go Bro to London. And not just anywhere, but to UCL.

We’ll learn the Angrez psychology in UCL.

I’ll be extremely happy to be your lame sidekick all my life.

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Okay, now don’t speak anymore dialogues. You’re stealing my thunder.

Appa, these Angrez log, they dance and sing with me.

They caned me, but All iz well.

Time to break into a dream sequence song, take off my shirt although it’s still very cold here.

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Time to show some awesome angst.

And the infamous Badass look.

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Smitten*

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I think I don’t have to try hard. Oh I gotta dance yet again

Smitten

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Oh dammit, that chick is Madhavgarh’s Yuvraggi to be.

Lemme tell ya gal- I’ll kill your bros and then I’ll kill yo dad

Cool. Still smitten

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AND THEN..Veer and Punya, after taking out 5 kilos of gosht, go back to India without being prosecuted in anyway by the Angrez govt. How could they? Tell me, tell me!!

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So what did you learn?

Dancing, lots of styles. English. Nothing regarding warfare,

conspiring plans etc etc.

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Awesome. Pindhari Pindhari Pindhari

Time for some dance with Orange Jeans and

Fur Jackets and let’s cling our pseudo-Beer Bottles.

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Oh Appa/Dadde – I is in Love. With Dhara….

Yashodhara from Madhavgarh…

Don’t Disturb

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Cool. Imma gonna go there alone as a Yuvraj of some random place near Lahore.

Deceive the Brits + Madhavgarh, and win Yasho in the Swayamvar

Oi NDTV. They are organising a Swayamvar, but not crediting ya. It’s ok yeah?

Swayamvar Time. Unveil the Bahu look.

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Time traveller Badass Brit guy from TNA

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@ChunniBabu_Jaggu: You are so screwed Dude

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No I am not, I still have a plan up my sleeve.

No not my golden arm, the other one.

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Dadde, I has your Bahu. We are not gonna kill now.

I am non-violent now all of a sudden.

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Dude, you’re so gay. I demand action between you and your Dadde.

Godammit, I was once Haidar Ali, father of Tipu Sultan in a National
Television series, where the war scenes in every episode made more
sense than the whole of this movie.

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I’m gonna throw in a mythological reference now -

Bheeshma, yea I am like him.

Gotta Fight.

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BTW, gimme some time to have my plan B ready.

Yasho, trust me, it’ll be done in no time.

Am tired now.

Appaaaaaaa… don’t whoop my ass pwease.

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You guys underestimated the sleepwalking Jaggu Dada.

KAPOW!!

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I am so dead. Hang on, I still have time to kill yo dad.

And listen, I am returning as my own son. Yeah, coz we did it last night ‘member.

Whaaaaaa???? You fell ASLEEP????

#FML !! All the heroism, the roars and the one night equates to NOTHING

Nahhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Yep time for my Udhas face, yes that one.

No, still only friends with Pankaj Udhas.

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Moving on…

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Now you’re so dead dude.

Yeah me thinks too.

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And so does me. Aiiyooo

FLASHFORWARD..

I am back from the set of London Dreams…

dammit I forgot to change

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This is for any future projects involving Rajneeti.
Calling Prakash Jha now.

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Moral of the story:

Will someone fucking tell me WTF am I, Bharat Dabholkar, doing in this movie,

standing as one of the members of Stonehenge with a B-Grade movie

wala moustache?????

I am effin Bharat ‘Amul’ Dabholkar. Doodh ki Nadiya Baha Doonga.

***Veer + Durgati = Veer-Gati ***

When a movie inspires you to create something new, or even pushes you to the limits of inventing a new mashup of two different medium, it certainly is some form of genius in one way or another.  Avatar did it with its 360 degrees of Pandora. And Veer has done the same with its Pindharis. Brute, drunk, sexually fertile and hormonally in their teens, the Pindhari Rajputs are not much different from the Na’vis. Now if you believe in every word I have said so far, go wash your face. To take the name of Cameron’s Avatar and Anil Sharma & Salman’s Veer-Avatar in the same breathe cannot be justified by any stretch of imagination. But yes, I do believe that Veer has inspired me to create something new. And that inspiration has resulted me to amalgamate Twitter into the 1860s revolt by the Pindharis. Basically what we are speaking here is -

How Veer [Salman] under the Chatrachaya of Prithvi [Mithun] got drunk, danced on some tribal Tubthumping music, went to London, got the Dulhania, Pwned Jaggu Dada and Saved the day

When the movie begins with the Disclaimer – All animals have treated properly blah blah!, they completely forgot to mention that the movie could be visually, mentally and emotionally extremely torturous to humans. Moving on, here we go – Tweeting the Movie – Veer.

Salman_TheVeer: @Anil_Gadar_Sharma I been writing. Sholay’s train robbery,romance, London, a Jalwa types drunk dance and a Katrina look-alike. Wht say?

Anil_Gadar_Sharma: @Salman_TheVeer Awesome dude. Is Sohail in 2? He’s mah fav.Reminds me of Rajendranath without glasses.

Salman_TheVeer:@Prabhu_Mithun Dada are you in?  Neena G is playin ur wifey.Promise u get lotsa hugs 4m her

Prabhu_Mithun: @Salman_TheVeer Twitter Daemon auto reply–>Account last active during Luck’s release.

Salman_TheVeer:@Prabhu_Mithun Dada…WTF?

Prabhu_Mithun: @Salman_TheVeer Sorry dude, I get lotsa spam and stuff. Thought u were fake! Yes I’m in. Who’ll be my Bahu?

Salman_TheVeer:@Prabhu_Mithun: A new chick called Fatrina Zarine. Nice ..ahem! She’s ‘fit’ for the role.

Prabhu_Mithun: @Salman_TheVeer Twitpic me her audition pics.

*** FATRINA’s AUDITION PICS***

I am basically a very awesome choice for this role.

My strengths are my Full Fat Double Cream and strictly supervised Oversized diet.

I needed to look the role as there was no VLCC in the 19th century.

My Videsi Bandi Look.

Also, if there was Audience poll for the Best Debut role this year,
this’ll be my Phone Vote Face

I’m like so right for this role. I’ll run you through my other pics.

My smitten look. I am gonna be so smitten by him all throughout the movie.

Did I tell ya that this will also be my Breaking into a Song face.

And if there was an Audience poll, this would be ‘Phone Vote’ face

In case you thought I was too videsi, here I am in an Ekta Kapoor Bahu attire.

See, I can totally play the Royal Vadhu. Attention Manish Malhotra and @kjohar25

***AND MY LAST TWO PICS TO SEAL THE DEAL***

I can also do the make-up less de-glamoured look.

Just in case there is another Period movie

I know people say that I married Pankaj Udhas just to have this look, but I’ll say – We’re just good friends.

And lastly, the politically inspiring, white sari, Gandhi glasses, grey-haired, non-remarrying widow

I know it’s tough not to remarry when even my Saas [Mother in law] enjoys a better sex life.

But what to do, duty calls.

ROLL SOUND, LIGHTS, CAMERA , ACTION!

We Pindharis are Mental. Really. Who negotiates with Jaggu Dada eh?

But then, even though we knew he’d ditch us, the chance to cut his arm off is so BADASS!!

But dude, our Pindhari Bros are totally pwned by Madhavgarh.

And although we are Rajputs, I speak in “Behen-De-Takke” Punjabi.

We gotta start multiplying to compensate for our lost population.

And so…

I’m here just to speak 2 lines.

And then I’ll be invited to that Reality show as a guest judge.

Dadde!!!!!

Dadde is a bit busy Beta Veer. hic!

Enough. I’m gonna grow up so fast after that crappy Spartan training.

I have everything in place. Horses, Black Turbans and Eyeliners.

Will be soon dancing in Orange Jeans and fur-jackets. Woot Woot.
Man I am so awesome to be contained in a single post, I’ll need to continue in another one.

You heard the MAN. We’ll be back soon with the Second Part. Until then, shout it out in the comments. Peace. Out!

..contd: Veer -Review -Part 2.

****Anjali Sharma’s Probability Pie-Chart****
****for Prospective Dulha (Groom)****

‘Member Anjali Sharma’s mind is all messed up. Rahul Dude shows up after all these years when she finally learns to dress in a Sari. Aman Verma dude can’t get enough of Anjali love to follow her straight to the Summer camp. And the most cunningly conspiring kids won’t leave a single chance to convert Anjali Sharma into Mrs.Khanna. No wonder she was going through this. This is a state of Anjali Sharma’s mind when she is trying to be all analytical and has distributed the probability of her prospective groom.

Yep, all is not lost for Johnny. There is still Hope Yeah right!!.. says Anjali

If someone is a huge F.R.I.E.N.D.S fanatic like me,Vatsal or Abhishek (well, I know there are exactly a billion of this species), the name ‘Apartment Bet’ would certainly ring a bell. Yes, it is the episode where Phoebe gets the eggs implanted in her uterus, and Joey knows Monica too well (old lady underpants, remember!). For the rest who are not as blessed, we are talking about Season 4-Episode 12: The One With The Embryos. And this post is totally dedicated to my F.R.I.E.N.D.S fanatic duo -Vatsal and Abhishek, and also the newly wed-Mohit and Asha. CONGRATULATIONS my darlings (I sound like Feroz Khan now..hehe).

To set the scene..

Ross: Okay, each team will answer ten questions. The first team that answers the most questions wins. Okay, the categories are, Fears and Pet Peeves, Ancient History, Literature, and It’s All Relative. Now, the coin toss to see who goes first. (He flips the coin and they all watch it hit the table and stop. Then they all look up at him, to see who goes first.)

Mere Ande … Mere Akhrot

Nikhil Advani, during his childhood days was very good in essay writing. Not that good with making sense of them though. Very often, his Hindi teacher used to scold him on his “Nibandh Lekhan” trying to limit them into the less than 10,000 word limit, but little Nikhil used to go on and on with his “Charitra Chitran” and ” Bhaavna Vishleshan”. Little Nikhil has grown up now. But he still finds it hard to sticking it to the word limit. Neither has he given up the “not making sense” habit. Chandni Chowk to China (CC2C) was a brilliant dissertation topic for Little Nikhil to use it for his ‘graduation’. He had the right professors – Warner Bros. and Ramesh Sippy, and the perfect material. But naughty Nikhil, rather than preparing the script, and chawking out the correct plan, had too much cheap Chinese wine to drink, went to a cheap motel and God knows what he did there. He woke up and started writing the dissertation (a metaphor for directing this movie…just for the benefit of the doubt). The result as we say- is CC2C. The only good thing that he gets in his feedback form is appreciation for the inclusion of Dada- Mithun Dada, and the continuous reference to the son of Bappida- Bappa. \m/

First things first, please…no Kungfu Hustle comparisons. That movie was completely Stephen Chow. This is Sadda Bollywood. So we will have all the rights in the world to have Bulletproof umbrellas, acidic lipsticks and the only Chinese connection that we will ever show is the Great Wall. We shall have the clash of the two titans – No, not Gordon Liu (yeah I do watch 36 chambers every other month, even then.. ), but Akshay Kumar and Mithun Da sharing the same screenspace. We shall have twin heroines in pure Seeta aur Geeta style ( another Sippy production). We shall have the protagonist Siddhu as the ‘gaanv ka chhora’, brought up on the streets of Chandni Chowk and who still has a ‘Choti’ (not small, but as in Mohan Choti), chops veggies and speaks like Namak Halal’s Arjun Singh vald Bheem Singh vald Dasarath Singh (not a Sippy production). In fact, we shall make the trailer as interesting as possible, so that we make the best grosser in the first week itself before the word is out. And we would make you think that Sidhhu could well say something on the lines of … 

“I know such English Chinese that I will leave the Chinese behind. You see sir, I can talk English Chinese, I can walk English Chinese, I can laugh English Chinese, I can run English Chinese, because English Chinese is such a funny language. Bhairo becomes Baron Bei-Rong and Bei-Rong becomes Bhairon because their minds are very narrow “

But instead he says “Ye log Sindhi main Baat kyu kar rahe hai…Dado Hojo Dado Hojo”. ( I seriously think that I can land up a job as a personal advisor to Warner Bros., Sippy productions with all these awesome ideas flowing in my head right now..anywho) So, where was I? Yes, this is a Bollywood kung-fu production of the crappiest kind. Easier said then done! If you thought Slumdog Millionaire was a story of victory, think again. This is the story of a Chandni Chowk guy kicking serious buttocks of a guy who has done Shaolin kung-fu all his life (I think). This villain wears a boomerang hat which has serious sharp edges..not shitting. I donno how old is he, but he’s at least older than that statue of Liu Shengh. And what makes our hero stand out? He refers to his testicles by two nicknames – Ande (eggs) and Akhrot (Walnut). He even disrespects his Shifu (Chinese for Teacher, much like Sensei in Japanese …yeah yeah, I’m just showing off my language skills) who also is his future father-in-law. Even whilst his training, when he should rather be focussed about taking revenge, he gets more and more pissed off watching Shifu and Sakhi (which reminds me of Rakhi in Bemisaal, brilliant movie btw) eating yummy Chinese cuisine with Roti. Mr. Sidhhu can’t hold his emotions and yells out..” Rotiii????? Teen Hafta ho gaya ..Meri Gotiya Mooh main Aa Gayee hai…” ( a subtle English translation to that would be ..Bread??? It’s been three weeks and my ‘Jewels’ have come in my mouth ). He doesn’t stop there. He insults his sasurjee by saying “Agar Tu Sakhi ka Baap nahi Hota naa..to Main Ye Bamboo tere pichwade main Pel deta”..Yes he did say that, honest. (hmm…subtitles: If you weren’t Sakhi’s dad, I would have stuck this bamboo up your posterior).

So, you see, this movie has it all. Revenge plot, Great Wall, weird and absurd ‘slumdog’ hero and twin heroines (awesome chance of getting threes@##.. ahem). And yes, we have Kailash Kher taking a long aalaap in the background every time Sidhu gets emotional. And when Sidhu starts to fight, the aalap gets converted into a “Specially mixed in London Studios Underground House Mix”. So the question is-do we have anyone here who saves the day…err the movie?

Deepika…as Sakhi and the Michelle Pfeiffer Halle Berry inspired Catwoman Meow Meow…NOPE.
Oh yes, the Miss TSM thing was quite intelligent though. The only mentionably funny scene was the one when Akshay was made to dance to Aaja Aaja… Aao Twist Kare..Vinod Rathod singing Dholi Taro…and a very unjustified portrayal of ‘I am a Disco Dancer’, followed by Dardi Rab Rab, Aika Dajiba, Parda Hai Parda, Salaam-e-Ishq, It’s the time to disco and finally Tumse Milke.
Gordon Liu..c’mon the man is Shaolin personified..but still, NOPE.
Ranvir Shorey as Chopstick..meh! Next?
Akshay Kumar..yes a bit..actually his Akhrot and Ande jokes.
The S.I.D.H.U. song? Pass…so who’s left? Yes, we are arriving at that.

MITHUN DA. This movie would sell to full houses in Japan and Russia just because of him. And that is a fact. The echo effect that has been accompanied in Mithun Da’s speech truly justifies his greatness. And he is in fact, the true Liu Shengh. See his gravity defying kicks, and combine that with “Aeeee Saalaa…” clubbed with a very Desi Bihari accent-ba. I don’t need no more. According to me, he gets the Golden Globe Akhrot.

P.S. Just a few final thoughts. Salaam-E-Ishq, the other movie by Nikhil Advani is shown as one of the in-flight movies when Sidhu flies to China. These movies are meant for Cheap video coaches from Pune to Bombay, not for in flight ‘entertainment’. Else please reconsider flying by Jet Airways. Yeah, that’s it. Rating???? Are you kidding?

News Fart: Tushar Kapoor slaps Emraan Hashmi

** Background Music** Smelly Cat Smelllly Cat…what are they feeding you?

Introduction: You thought news reporting was all about Horoscopes,Sex Scandals-Sting Operations, Khali, Startling facts about Salman vs SRK documentarues and yeah, the gut wrenching Crime shows. Hold on, I am taking News Reprting to another new level. Yes, the butt level, coz that is where the methane is. (Can anyone verify the composition of fart? ) This news section is called News Fart-news you would not find anywhere else, News that would stir your soul and make you turn into sleepless zombies and do the ‘Thriller’. Yes, it is that smelly and it is that tasty. Don’t blame me. It is ‘them’ (Aaj Tak, India TV, Star News,Zee News, News 24, IBN…the list goes on) who started it.

Yours faithfully,
Disturbed Soul.

FART: Tushar Kapoor slaps Emraan Hashmi
/* P.S. All incidents depicted here totally fake and are creations of a mental state brought by watching too much of Aaj Tak and K-serials, which is like…actually there is nothing that compares that. It is the lowest form of life on earth, ever discovered */
Growing under the shadow of Ekta Kapoor can be mentally strenous.Wait, is she his mother,or sister? (That is actually a question not based on Ekta’s looks,mind it!) Mentally strenous why? Because Ekta is the epitome of Indianness, she is the red color in the sindoor, the tulsi in theVirani courtyard, the kumkum on kumkum (no metaphors)-you get it. And going by that, if you go on to star in movies like Jeena Sirf Mere Liye,Kucch To Hai,Shart-the Challenge, Kya Love Story Hai et al. Could take a toll on your nerves. And well, when you have your arch rival showing his ‘skills’ left, right,centre, what more do you expect one to do?

The Incident:
News just in from our correspondent at a Bollywood movie premiere recently, Tushar Kapoor was spotted landing his five fingers of his right hand on the cheek area of Emraan Hashmi. Due to bad lighting and the amount of the volume of Paparazzi circus present at the spot, it was not possible to determine whether it was at a velocity which would qualify the action as a SLAP. But industry insiders are already making speculations. When asked to some veterans, who have been buzzing with rumors about the feud between the two ‘pillars’ of Bollywood, they do indicate about the possibility of a new rivalry between the two camps- The Balajis vs. The Who…umm..Bhatts is it? The Khans, the Bachhans and the Kapoors are already burning with envy over the incident when this made it to Page 2 just below the horoscope section and above the Television Listings of all national dailies throughout the country. But the question remains, was it a strategic move -a statement that Tushar Kapoor desperately wanted to make out to the public that Emraan Hashmi can no longer reign and be called the Serial Kisser of the industry (or as Karan Johar would put it-Fraternity with a decorative F).

A few more incidents have given much fire to the whole Tushar vs. Emraan episode. First, when Tanushree Dutta was seen at the inauguration of a Puppy adoption center in Dadar at 8:30 pm with Tushar Kapoor. And then at 9:00 o clock, she took off to attend Emraan’s make-up man’s (read Lip Gloss applier) housewarming party. Tushar came to know about this through an SMS sent by Kunal Khemu at midnight (yeah that is actually quite common, Kunal’s monthly bill does indicate that majority of his SMS have been sent to Tushar and Rakhi Sawant at a close second). He released a press statement commenting on the dual nature of Tanushree who could not sustain her love for puppies and went to attend a party of a carnivorous canine creature (explicit words censored to maintain the decorum of this article). To this , Emraan replied in a way that no one could have thought. He created a fake profile of Tushar Kapoor, and with the power of Photoshop, he made some ‘not suitable for Ekta Kapoor serials’ images. And posted them. Not so surprisingly, no one was interested in visiting those profiles. Emraan soon got psyched with the entire episode and created the ‘I Hate Tushar Kapoor’ group on Orkut and Facebook. Luckily this time he struck gold. Within 30 minutes of the creation of the community a million users joined it, and started posting even more explicit messages that made Emraan Hashmi proud of his achievement. All this while, he was enjoying his victory behind the alias of SmoochieBoochie007, but least did he know that the Kapoor was also busy conspiring for an online attack.

The online battle took a new twist when a similar group was formed-this time called ‘Emraan Hashmi has bad breathe’. Tushar even went ahead and created fake profiles (or so is said) of actresses with whom Emraan has ‘worked’. And all of them gave their contribution to the degree of smelliness of Emraan Hashmi’s breathe. A fake Ria Sen’s post on Emraan’s wall reads: “He doesn’t floss, he keeps the toilet seat up, and he always sits when he pees. Yes, he cannot pee standing up.” And when the media was already giving up on the entire battle of Tushar vs. Emraan, this happened.Emraan Hashmi has signed an endorsement deal for Raja Khaini (that should take his breathe away – so said Esha Deol). Tushaar got his nerves back, calmed down and made a smart move to appear on Aastha Channel doing Kapal Bharati with Baba Ramdev. But failing to match the agility of Baba, he was kicked out of this show as well. Rejection also hit Emraan Hashmi when he was accused of breach of contract by the manufacturers of Raja Khaini, as he refused to put his dose of Khaini before his scene was being shot. Both ‘actors’ are now believed to be busy preparing for TOEFL exams as they are planning to pursue higher studies in the (f)art of filmmaking.

What happens next in this episode of the battle between Emraan and Tushar, will only be known when the time comes. Until then, stick around for some more gooey stuff on the News Fart.

Until then, this is Correspondent OKS signing off.

** Background Music** Smelly Cats Smelllly Cats…what are they feeding you?