Disclaimer: The intention of this post is not to mar any person’s dignity or self esteem, dead or alive. Its just a piss take and please take it in the best of the spirits. Please don’t sue me. I am not a rich dude. KTHXBAI!

Ok, I am the occasional chick-flick visitor. I have watched the likes of Notting Hill (who hasn’t), Bridget Jones Diary etc etc. On quite a few occasions, I have managed to even like them. Not because of the underlying romance, but because the characterisation was very well dealt with. Be it the failing travel book store owner or the dumped writer who falls for the Portuguese girl or even the dancing Prime Minister (I know you know all those references). Which now brings me to Aisha, an adaptation of Jane Austen’s Emma (as the publicity press releases say) and unofficially copied from Clueless. I have neither read the book, nor seen the Alicia Silverstone movie. So what I write here, is just judging the movie by its own strengths and flaws.

Well you remember the first of the series – Tweeting the Movie – Veer( Part 1 and Part 2) . So here I am, with Chapter 2 – Aisha. Its always fun to take the piss out of movies which make you realise about the two hours of your life that you’ll never get back. And so here I am, spending more than 2 hours to get this post done.
P.S. The language on this post can get a bit too colourful for your taste, if you know what I mean

Hiya @everyone. I am like totally awesome chick.

I like, spend my rich Dad’s hard-earned cash for a living and have nicknamed it ‘Event Management’. How cool! #winwin

And like, I totally dig true love. Its so cute to see MILFs getting hitched with DILFs innit. #AishaIsAwesome Pls RT. kthxbye

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P.S. I like animals, I pretend to like Polo coz its totally upmarket.

Quick, time for an Elle makeover twitpic.

I’m having a hangover from that party I had last night. Hence the glasses.

Also, I can’t remember which movie I am in right now. Is this ‘I Hate Luv Stories’? #hangover

Also, I so love sobbing whilst I watch that Kajol-SRK dancing in the rain scene from K2H2. That movie is my Bible.

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Hiya @everyone. I am Bose, Pinky Bose.

Together with Aisha, we spread the all mighty shallowness of our lives through our devotion to the Elles, Vogues, Chanels and the likes.

We wear shades in the night (just kidding!).

Oh, I love Aisha so much that I’d get my face cloned like her. #scifiTweet

Together, we form the ‘We love Aisha fanclub’ and spend all day long spending money on all kinda.. ooooh shoes!!!

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Myself Shefali from Haryana. I am the Behenji types.

I am like in the big city to find a Dulha for myself, and fall in love, #HayyRabba!!

Doesn’t matter how many times I fool myself falling in ‘love’ with so many men. Oh! I am so confused jee.

Thanks Aisha jee, for making me your project, and transforming me into that…

Here’s my Before and After transform pic. Now watch closely, coz this is going to be more interesting than anything else in this movie.

Some dude will definitely fall for me, hai naa!

P.S. All this was my evil plan, huaahahaa. All this while, when Aisha and everyone else would be busy dealing with all the superficial problems of their shallow lives, I will actually steal the show. Like totally! #ShefaliFTW

And yes, that last tweet was more than 140 characters. I’m awesome!

So, officially, we are the I love Aisha fan club. Any moment now, we’ll start singing – Piya Piya O Piya Piya

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Whilst all of this is happening, the dudes in the movie are suffering from acute deficiency of testosterone.

@Aisha Girl, you need to take life lessons from me. After all, I am Mr.Practical from Wharton and shit.

@AmritaNYReturnGal You did come back due to recession, didn’t you? The black bikini clad sari outfit suits you.

@Aisha You gotta stop trying to fabricate lovey dovey situations aight!

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Oi @Arjun, you need to stop giving me these tips. If I needed those, I’d rather go to Baba Ramdev and start doing Kapaal Bharti. Bloody #InvestmentBanker!!

Oh yes, ’bout the last tweet. These non-creative rational beings, they should be totally eradicated from the face of this earth.

And then, this planet will be filled with people – all of whom are dressed in Armani and #Versace branded garments. How pwetty!

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@Aisha Of course, of course , that’s the life innit.

BTW @Aisha, why have you kept your mouth open so widely? Breathing problems?

Also @Aisha, what’s with those heart shaped glasses.

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Arre nahi yaar @Arjun, my eyes are all drained out by the immense amount of work I have put into nuturing my pink teddy bear all night.

And suno @Arjun, my mouth is open, just in case someone gives me some ‘chanda’ for my next new dress. I am bankrupt now you see.

Where’s mah girls?? Bitches!!! Come to me. #ILoveAishaFanClub

@Shefali Tum ye karo @PinkyBose Tum wo karo

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Naari ka Samman Karo, Mat Uska Apmaan karo !!!

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Man, what am I supposed to do. @Aisha Is  this our first date?

@AmritaNYReturnGal Is this our first… ummmmmm!!!!

Man, what am I supposed to do. Build some more body??

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Enough!!! Enough of all this shallowness. Even I can’t sink LOL.

Time now to hit on that rich @MithaiwallaDude. I know he totally digs Aisha, but still.Shhh!! #EvilPlan

And I know exactly when to ask him out, right after he comes out of the loo, and when I am like almost shitting myself (literally) with the loo roll in my hand. #Twitpic

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Meanwhile, I’ll keep on stealing the thunder from all these bitches.

I’m gonna first fall for Randhir, oh jee am confused.. And then Dhruv, and then.. Arjun.

Ha! The slag from Haryana, that’s what they’ll call me.

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No one steals the thunder of the superbitch, that’s me!!!! Banungi main.. #Bitchwanti

How do you define ‘fluff’ ? Quite a random question to begin a post with, isn’t it? Exactly! I Hate Luv Storys or #IHLS is just that – both fluff and random. Fluff, by definition means any light downy material. It also means something which is of little value or significance. And IHLS qualifies on both those categories. It is just fluff; no pulp, no substance and definitely no juice. The only thing it has is Sonam Kapoor’s electric smile trying to charge up this otherwise charge-less movie, which suffers from a desperately-trying-hard-2b-cool-syndrome.

The biggest thing that irritates me to allergic levels about this movie, is its unashamed and narcissistic self-promotion of supposed Hindi ‘romantic cult favourites’. If you think I am wrong, then how on earth will you explain, plugging in KANK and K3G tribute scenes into the movie narrative, as not being narcissistic? Yes, this is a Karan Johar movie, and this is his way of taking a piss at his own movies, kinda like being the cool guy who doesn’t shy away from laughing at himself. Oh please grow up. Spoofs are made by B-grade directors and geeky nods to movie classics do not mean flashing out family poster frames and pink teddy bears from Archies galleries. And if you think making the director in the movie – Veer [Samir Soni ] be an onscreen version of KJo would be a good idea, you couldn’t be more wrong.

Oh, I really don’t know where this movie review is going. Pretty much like the movie. It is just pointless and worthless as well. So I’ll rather write some bullet points about this movie.

1. Our dude Jay Dhingra [Imran Khan ] is a womaniser and doesn’t believe in love. He drinks beer by night, and is an Asst. Dir to the romantic movie director. So he gets to be the dude who has the best t-shirts, easily picks up girls, sleeps around with girls called Giselle [possibly], and also easily dumps women. And oh yeah, he has a fat bloke for a colleague who statistically represents women characteristics. And since our dude is supposed to be dude-dude, he uses words such as fugly [and even tries to explain what it means ], almost says What the F..[almost], and has no inhibitions from announcing about pregnancy, bisexual exes or a cute bum of another guy. How 21st century. Now only if he was really as cool as the T-shirts he wore and not end up being the wannabe he actually is.

2. IHLS exposes the many cliches of the YRF-Dharma school of filmmaking – you know, the chandeliers, the interior staircase set, pink bedrooms, karva chauts and scenes with Sarso ke khet and the airport. Was it meant to tickle me? Give me some Johny Lever I say. And no, before you accuse me of anything, one of my all time favourites is Dil to Pagal Hai.

3. Our dude Jay randomly walks into a movie theatre, sits next to Simran [ Sonam Kapor] and yes, very conveniently starts speaking to her. Yes, both of them are complete strangers. And they start talking while watching a movie in a cinema. Bollocks!

4. Main storyline – Girl is in love with childhood friend and son of family friend – Raj Dholakia. Everything is perfect, and Raj loves Simran, and so does she. I mean, she loves him too. But when Jay enters the scene, and Simran spends a few days with him on her film set and starts drinking shots on a weekday, she finds love in Jay. Which means, she hasn’t been doing this before with anyone else. Or..whatever. Who am I trying to convince? This is just another gheesa pita formula flick.

5. What’s with the title? Is Shahid Kapoor gonna start writing movie titles just like he tweets?

6. For a light hearted film, the jokes were really stale, cheap and often phaaltoo. I say MTV Fully Faltoo and the other dudes would have done a much better job rather than spending all the money on creating a fake movie production and that New Zealand tourism sponsored movie holiday.

I guess that’s about it. Sometimes you just need to put your money away in a fixed deposit than spend on the display of the developed Dolle-Sholle of Imran. With all the attempts made at playing around with the cliches, this movie doesn’t even qualify to be a good popcorn entertainer. Just avoid yaar!

After a frustrating 90 minutes of the struggling Gerrards and Rooneys, I thought I’d cleanse myself from that, and quite desperately needed an entertainer; not just any entertainer, but an engaging, pretty and strong piece of cinema. So, I went to my nearest Vue cinema for the late show of Raavan, and it turned out that Raavan was a huge disappointment. For starters, this was a Mani Ratnam movie which he had simultaneously made in two languages – I don’t know why he does that – to cut production costs, or to reach out to more audiences without going down the dubbed route. Hmm!! But having watched Raavan, I believe, the Tamil version has to be a quite different film for it to work. It is so pretty to watch at, and the visuals are stellar no doubt, sometimes to the length that it looks like an extended version of a cross between the Roshni Se Bhare Bhare – video from Asoka [Santosh Sivan] and Mani Ratnam’s own – Barso Re Megha from Guru.

A little premise for those who don’t have any clue what the fuss is all about. Mani Ratnam’s latest feature since 2007′s Guru, Raavan tells us the story of a village called Laal Maati, a place where Beera (Abhishek Bachchan) rules, rocks and reigns. He is the law and order and he is the chaos too – for the official law and order ie. That’s the modern take on the Hindu mythology epic -The Ramayana. Dev (Vikram) is the parallel for Rama, the cop who would not give in to the control of Beera in Laal Maati. And he would not confine himself to the lawful means. Dev’s wife Ragini (Aishwarya ) gets kidnapped by Beera, and that’s when all hell breaks loose. Dev is on the hunt of Beera with double the intensity, and is aided by a drunkard Sanjeevani (Govinda – I believe he’s playing Hanuman). Dev’s search for Beera and what follows next is just a turn of events about Beera’s reason for revenge against Dev.

Now, I know that the epics are making an epic return to the big screen – first Rajneeti with the Mahabharat and now this . But Raavan is not an epic by any stretch of imagination. The visual opulence is the only thing that Raavan can boast of. The music is by A.R.Rahman is by all means sub-standard. But the biggest flaw of the movie is its hollow screenplay and the hammy Abhishek Bachchan who puts on a million expressions just for the sake of looking schizophrenic. C’mon dude, Raavan isn’t suffering from multiple personality disorder. He had 10 heads, 10 brains – that is meant to be a metaphor of how intelligent and how mentally advanced was he compared to the normal man, and not to mean a person of conflicting opinions. I have so many complaints with this movie, and I have listed them below.

Hit the Jump for the list.

1. Aishwarya Rai - Ragini – Sita – whatever, you no longer belong to the 80s. So stop screaming in that screechy little voice of yours. Your tears do nothing to me, and neither does your waterfall washed face. I don’t like your choreographed recap as the dance teacher – as if you HAD to be one of those. Your dialogues made me squirm, especially when you said – Tum Mujhe Nahi Maar Sakte, Mujhe Nahi Marna, Marungi To Apni Marzi Se, [ You cannot kill me, I don't want to die, If I die, I'll die on my own wish ] – and then you jumped over the waterfall, without thinking what the rocks could do to that plastic face of yours. Of course, the jump lifted your Sabyasachi Mukherjee outfit in the air, and Santosh Sivan’s bullet-time shot made it look a bit fancy. But I giggled, coz I clearly knew you were on wires.

2. Abhishek Bachchan – Beera, or are you Lallan. I like Lallan [from Yuva]. So go back to your Mandodari , I mean Rani. You still have a Lallan hangover in the way you talk, you walk and everything else. Stop coochy-cooing with this cop-wife. As Ravi Kissen jee pointed out, she’s gonna bring the ‘giroh’ to its doom. And for fuck sake, stop taking references from the Heath Ledger Joker. You can never even start looking an inch of the sinister and menacing persona of the Joker.

Not even with that black make-up, or even with the Haldi-Chandan Vicco Turmeric look. And no, Raavan never learnt how to do Taandav.

3. Vikram – Dev – they made you a bit grey didn’t they. You are no longer the positive and white Rama. You are the modern day cop. One who believes in – Jiski Laathi, Usi Ki Bhains. I liked your portrayal, but I am sorry, your character was too much overshadowed by your flashing Ray-Ban shades.

4. Mani Sir – Seriously, WTF were you smoking? #Fail all the way. Please bring back the deep characterisations, the intricate relationships woven perfectly with the narrative and above all, please bring back a story which connects, rather than which vibrates in the dialogues of AB J’s Jhik Jhik Jhik – Ek Sawaaal. Please sit down with Rahman sir, and make him do a better job next time. AND .. DON’T LET ASH GO IN THE RAIN. She gets really naughty with her husband. All that tai-chi in the rain – that’s Oriental, not Hindu mythology. And I’d have preferred if Beera was more Veerappan, you know – more like Jungle’s Sushant Singh than the jungle boy sucker for romance. And seriously, polygraphic tests – Ramayana meets Sach ka Saamna ha!

Having said that, the only saving grace of the movie are Chichi bhaiya(Govinda) in a rhyming avatar Hanuman and is cleverly named Sanjeevani. He blurts out his own versions of Dohas and is as phurteela as the Pawan Putra is depicted in Ramayana. And of course, the Samay-Rath-dhaari Ravi Kissen jee steals the show every time he appears. I think this is the only time I felt absolutely not irritated and not annoyed by him, perhaps due to the presence of other annoying Rai elements . Those are the only two convincing characters in the movie which seem as they were enjoying being there.

Oh, and the climactic bridge event. Now that was beautiful! But the movie, wasn’t. Did I spoil it enough for you, ya aur chahiye?

I know, it has been a very disinterested post on my part, but I can’t help. At least it is more engaging than the movie. What’s your take on it, leave a comment please

**Kati Patang**

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Where do I begin? Kites is a sick and lame movie. Howzat! I have some other adjectives to add – like old-fashioned, insanely consumerist, mind-numbingly illiterate and utterly unnecessary.I’ll explain why.
The formula goes like this – You take a Romeo-Juliet-esque love story, add a materialistic twist to it, spicen up with locales like Las Vegas, Mexico, Grand Canyon and some underwater sequences. And finally, don’t forget it’s aimed to be a peppy international-flavoured movie – so lotsa bikini, screen scorching action scenes, a few smooches. But our ‘Dil’ is still Hindustani, so sex is a no no. Yes, our leads are passionately in love with each other. They are so much in love that they can give up the world’s dhan daulat, and even get violent if provoked. But after all this struggle, when they finally get to spend a minute or two together, they’d rather chat, dance in the rain or make shadow rabbits. I don’t understand how Linda (Barbara Mori) dreams of having kids with Jay (Hrithik Roshan) or does Anurag Basu want us to understand and kindly adjust ? If he does, I say it is a wrong bargain. At least that could have made the movie a bit worth watching.

Now I’ll try to explain the adjectives in details.

1. Old-Fashioned:
Papa Roshan fails to realise that it is not year 2000 anymore that we’ll be impressed by Kaho Naa Pyar Hai’s “Ek Pal Ka Jeena”. Hrithik needs to learn few more moves and stop the ones that he’s been practising since his 5th standard’s parents day function. The introductory few minutes about Jay and his life in Vegas almost sound like a lame-ass launch vehicle as if Hrithik is making his debut again. Check this out – Our dude makes a living out of marrying immigrants for Green Card, but he’s a kick-ass dancer you see. So we get a glimpse of “Step Up” – C’mon Hrithik has to dance. There’s the Coke Ad move, the Thump move, and some B-boying not-so-cleverly dummied. And casino honcho Kabir Bedi’s ‘eklauti beti’ Kangna Ranaut falls for apna dude. And by fall I mean, seriously girl, where’s thy self-respect? Ok, she’s supposed to be mental and Kangna plays that very well, right? Now in a lusty turn of events, Jay meets Linda aka Natasha as his sister-in-law. [Naughty Indian men, even foreign ones, are always after their *cough* Savita *cough*..Bhabhis].So all of that is summed up by just one word – Old-Fashioned.

2. Insanely consumerist.
Have a look at that first hour or so of the movie. I am not exaggerating any bit. It looks like a prolonged advert of Provogue/ John Players [ brands which Hrithik endorses ]. Hrithik looks like he’s had a Dhoom 2 hangover. The yacht, the champagne, the Samsung mobile phones, the casino shimmery lights, the bikes and the cars – all are so essential to the plot, hai na?

3. Mind-Numbingly Illiterate.
I hereby denounce this movie as illiterate and prescribe Hrithik, Barbara and Anurag to be straight away enrolled under the Rashtriya Saksharta Mission [ National Literacy Mission ]. Confused? Well, Hrithik speaks Hindi when he is threatening a firang goon who is hung upside down. Such grown up people make jokes like “Main Ullu Ki Patthi Hu” and “I’ve wet my pants”.

4. Utterly Unnecessary.
I think if I had to choose one adjective this would be the one. Right from the supposedly emotional sequences where the characters need to emote, it is replaced by tediously snail-paced scenes. The action sequences which were publicised to the most possible extent are just uncalled for and appear repetitive. Some sequences which have been lifted straight away from Bad Boys 2 are just lame and overdone.
Let me start again. Our dude falls in love with the Bhabhi, and runs away. Bhabhi-jaan’s husband hunts them down and so does bounty hunters and sheriffs. And all of it makes it to the TV News stations. [ America also has their own versions of Aaj Tak and India TV ]. Now there’s some serious shit happening. Guns fired, cars exchanged, cars blasted, roof chase sequences, trains stoppping, trains running and some more cars flipping and blasting with glass panes crashing faster than you can blink. Oh yeah, there’s hot air balloons as well. There’s a sequence in red, in blue and in the sun. Sad scenes are shot in slo-mo and there is a fight sequence in slo-mo too [ Very Matrix-esque]. But all of it makes me think – what’s the fucking point?

Hrithik Roshan’s best so far remains his cameo in Luck By Chance, and that still holds good. Kites does nothing for him except for making all those tween girls scream on his bendy moves. Barbara Mori is beautiful and she reminds me of Naomi Watts when she smiles. And if anyone starts talking about their chemistry yet again, I’d say yeah – like Tarzan and Jane. In fact, a few scenes were very much like Tarzan and Jane – you know, bare chested dude with the Latino Lady in Bikinis speaking in sign language.

Everybody else in the cast inlcuding Kangna Ranaut and Kabir Bedi seemed to have been written by a script writer on an internship program.

Kites is a tragedy which could have been simply told and wonderfully executed. Instead, the director’s decision to make it a love tragedy on steroids is completely unnecessary. The music of the movie does nothing to save it, and barring one song -KK’s fluid vocals on Intezar, everything else is mediocre at best. I’d like to specifically mention the Hrithik Roshan title track – it sounds so damn amateurish.

Kites is just a bloated publicity stunt from FilmKraft riding on Reliance’s hump. All in the name of excellent production value, what you get is a hollow product. It is neither a commercially entertaining movie, nor a movie with something to think about. It is a flawed product from top to bottom just polished on the surface. I still fail to realise the metaphor behind the title name which would in some way relate with the basic theme of the movie. How many times did you spot a Kite flying during the movie except for the beginning few minutes. I cannot resist saying this, so here it goes – Kites – It never takes off.

Watch it to see how Titanic sank.

P.S. Headline tag courtesy Praxy.

Don’t read into the title way too much. I’m not here to promote any “substance”. But yes, Dibakar Banerjee’s Love Sex Aur Dhokha aka LSD has the kicks, the oomph and the much awaited spark. He has set the bar yet again to a higher level than his own previous works – Khosla ka Ghosla and Oye Lucky, Lucky Oye.  And I never thought those movies could be ever exceeded. Glad that DeeBee da proved me and many others wrong.

Now before you accuse me of ranting away in true fanboy style about how awesome this movie is, lemme bring home three important points why I loved it so much as I did.

1: This is Real, not Reel:

It is posed to be “Real”. And it has been presented that way. No holds barred, and with zero pretence. Right from the dreamy eyed diploma filmmaker who believes life as a Yash Chopra movie to the chauvinist and cynical betrayer who sets up the cameras in Story 2, it is out there and it grabs you by the nuts. You forget that you are in fact “watching” something being enacted. It transcends the medium of cinema. Much like Cameron’s Pandora suspended our senses with its sheer beauty, LSD succeeds in making me a witness of the three interwoven stories. I felt as if I was a fly on the wall watching the events unfold. And yes, I have watched Paranormal Activity, Cloverfield and Blair Witch as well. And I loved them all.

2: The Love, The Sex and the Dhokha:

A heart-warming tribute to the YashRaj [ Adarniya Adi Chopra Sir!] school of filmmaking deserves nothing less than a big round of applause. Story 1: Mehendi Laga Ke Rakhna was also my favourite of the lot because of its sheer innocence, and the belief of “Arre, Dilwale Hai Hum”. Rahul even has a Freudian slip when he calls Shruti as his “Simran”

The way DeeBee manages to cleverly complete the circuit with the stories as its three key elements is absolutely excellent. And in no way it seems manipulative or forced unlike some flicks e.g. Kukunoor’s Teen Deewarein.

3: Lastly, it’s about the laughs. C’mon it’s a DeeBee film after all:

So we do get our fair share of laughter. DeeBee’s sense of humour has always been about laughing at the gritty details and nuances of life as it is. Be it Shruti’s Papa who still has a thing for acting, or Loki Local’s awesome ringtone. If I continue to write more on it, I’ll just end up revealing key details of the plot which would be wrong.

I know people have been complaining about the movie indulging in foul language and shit. I say fuck that shit! Ramanand Sagar and Rajshri productions do not produce superhits anymore and even Karan Johar movies have Lolo sporting a backless scene [Such a Kurbaani teehee!!].

I could be a true fanboy and just say, Bhai- the script demands it. But no, I won’t clarify or justify it. So fuck that shit. And if you are offended by that, go home, switch to some Saas Bahu Serial and be happy when some Dewarjee has an extra-marital affair with someone else’s Patni and the Naukrani puts rat poison in her tea. Quite ironically, K-Ekta Kapoor is the producer of LSD. But the hero of the film is Director Babu – Dibakar Banerjee. DeeBee da – take a bow. Phaataaphaati!!!

***Yellow Yellow… Dirty Fellow***

Amongst other rhyming lines that Shah Rukh Khan’s Rizvan Khan [ K..khan...from the epiglotis] speaks at important moments across the film, is the one cited above. He is a guy suffering from a certain form of autism, born in Bombay and who goes ahead to marry a single mother – Mandira Rathod [Kajol ]. The fairy-tale continues until Al-Qaida strikes the twin towers, and as Rizvan’s voice-over tells us – world history gets divided into BC, AD and 9/11. Now, Bollywood has churned out some similar half-baked shit in the last couple of months or so. The brown bread entertainer – New York and the crazy accent carrying Om Puri and Kirron Kher love extravaganza – Kurbaan. Oh noes, Kurbaan was supposed to be the movie with the Kareena backless scene. Sorry KJo, I can’t still get over with that funny accent of Kirron Mata. My Name Is Khan tries to get it right from the scratch. It builds up to it, with a perfect setting, a perfect background and then just goes mental. Completely ballistic in a very wrong way. It felt like KJo started this movie as he said – “I was fed up with Bollywood“. By that he meant, he was fed up with the same song-dance routine, the same high ceilings with polished Swarovski crystal chandeliers, Sharmishta Roy art-direction and Manish Malhotra assisting him in styling. And oh, the Sagai, Shaadi, Post Shaadi, Karva Chauth routine. Yes, KJo did seem a bit grown up. But I think he missed his own daal-roti so much, and hence, goes back to the old as the hills  formula – It’s all about loving your parents/ family /neighbour . And he does it while he chews upon as much cheese as the Swiss can manufacture in a year, with as many stereotypical references as possible.

I have some major problems with the movie which makes me question what the likes of Mahapurush – Taran Adarsh jee and Divya Naari – Nikhat Kazmi could see in it to rate it 4.5 star out of 5 and 5 on 5 respectively. But before I dive deeply into the problems, lemme scrape out the good stuff for ya!!

Kajol…Main Sadke Java…!!

Even with a close up of her eyes, with the emerging signs of ageing, there is no doubt about her beauty, screen presence and her awesomeness as a whole. She can do the Bhangra, to the “Mere Aankho ka Taara, Mere Budhhaape ka Sahara” and even make me believe that she’s at heart a bit of a geek. Oh c’mon, didn’t you notice? She quotes Einstein, she bloody knows quite a lot about SF and definitely about the trams being introduced in 1873 in SF and in Kolkata. Geeks #ftw!!!
And above all, she’s the coolest mother one could ask for. She defines Yummy Mummy.

Zarina Wahab.

It’s been ages since we saw her.  Now with her hubby Aditya Pancholi making a scarfaced comeback in Striker, we can only expect good things from her as well. And she doesn’t disappoint us a bit. Big thanks to the casting team for not taking in the other Dharma favorites – Kirron Kher of Maa Da Ladla fame, Sexy Granny Farida Jalal and lastly Rifat Bee – Himani Shivpuri. I can’t really vocalise why I remember her performance so much. Was it her effortless portrayal of a mother’s undying love for her special son? Was it the spark in her eye which gleams as soon as she starts talking about her Rizzu? Or was it simply her motherly advice which comprises of a simple lesson – There are only two types of people in this world – Good and Bad. I think it was all of it. [ I had a bit of a Krantiveer flashback when I saw the - Hindu Kaun, Musalmaan Kaun ]

Now with the long list of my problem with the movie.

It is bloody Stereotypical.

WHYYYYY??? KAIKOOO!!! [ I wish I could do a Naseeruddin Shah impression while asking this question ] WHYYYY??

The premise is serious stuff. The environment that envelopes this movie is damn serious. Then why layer it with all sorts of bloody non-sense stereotypes. Vinay Pathak as Jitesh, the Gujju Motel owner. You see what I am talking about? Yeah, it does not end there.

The whole SRK = God , I mean Mr. Know-It-All, being a cross between John ‘Beautiful Mind’ Nash and Forrest fucking Gump gives me the allergies. He repairs everything. He is miles ahead of Rancho you see. From pressure cooker to automobiles, he can fix ‘em in a chutki. He is a walking encyclopedia and blurts out the history of the bloodline of his Parsi teacher Mr.Wadia. We get it…he’s a bloody genius. Or as Ammee sez: “Bada Tez hai mera Rizzu”. He can’t make a pressure controlled suction pump from a vacuum cleaner, but yes, he can definitely pump out water using a connecting rod, a cycle and some spare pipes. We fucking get it – he is a bloody genius and he’s definitely growing up to become like Sharukh Khan.

In a politically correct world, where we tend to be extra careful about what we say about disability and stuff, I say fuck it. I didn’t like Black. Yes, I’ll say that again. It was a scream fest for me. Big B and Rani and a kid who should never be left in a dark room, all pulling hair, exclaiming at the highest hormonal level possible. SRK’s portrayal of an autistic guy leaves me lukewarm. He neither manages to charm me with his smartness or geeky nature, nor does he make it compelling enough to make me sympathise with him. And definitely not laugh with him at how he sees life. There are lines built into the script which tries hard to show the Forrest Gump in Rizvan; lines like -

Aao Rizvan, Apna Hi Ghar Samjho… Kaise Samjhu, Jab Mera Ghar Nahi hai to..

Log Kehte Kuch Aur Hai, Sochte Kuch aur hai..

[Translation: Welcome Rizvan, Think it as your own house... How should I think so, when it is not mine..

People are strange; they say something, and think of something else]

But these are far too less to bring out the charm in Rizvan’s character.

And seriously, KJO cannot let go his cheese. In a very Forrest Gump-ish fashion, Rizvan sets out on his journey to meet the POTUS [ President of the US]. This takes him from SF to New Mexico to Georgia, where he meets Mama Jenny and her son – Funny Hair Joe.

Stereotype 2 - what the fuck is this era? Georgia seems like a small town set during the Goldrush. Mama Jenny is an all loving, hugging, cooking, church going Mama. And lil Joe – he’ll grow up to be an R&B legend. You hear that Blues in the background, and his fucking’ lungs belting falsetto on “We Shall Overcome”. Man he was good!! He even overcame SRK’s rendition of Hum Honge Kamyaab. Lil Joe is meant to go to American Idol when he turns 16. And wtf was SRK doing, I mean Rizvan Khan doing? Addressing an English-speaking crowd on a Sunday church gathering in Hindi. Yeah that makes complete Khan-sense!!

Stereotype 3 - SRK steps into a University Islamic social gathering for his regular Namaaz, and he quite conveniently finds Dr. Faisal Rahman preaching the message of Allah. Kill me.. Kill me NOW. And then, SRK in his Rizvan-Avatar gives the Sattar minute-version of MNIK. Dude, wo Shaitaan Tha. Huaahahahahaha!!! You’re so pwned. You know what is more lame than that? Rizvan’s brother reporting live on PBC News about Faisal Rahman, so bloody easily.

Stereotype 4 - Hackers are fat, bearded anti-social, caffeine-junkies living in a dark dorm, but still connected with their Gujju roots. Gimme a break!!

Stereotype 5 - Every detained person in the US has to go through freezing conditions and is then subjected to hot temperature. And you know what, that search scene in the movie’s inital 5 minutes, why did it remind me of a similar real-life incident which happened with a dude who looked exactly like Rizwan. His name was also Khan.

One of the biggest blunders I think was the overambitious nature of the movie. It sets out being a story about a man meeting the POTUS to give a message. And it wanders off to becoming a humanitarian film about Saving the Hurricane struck people on the Southern Coast. And wtf ? SRK = GOD again. Where no US troops and rescue missions; even where Brangelina and Bono can’t reach, SRK and his chamche from PBC and Bhaijaan and Bhabijaan help rescue the peeps. With cameos from every possible Indian News channel reporters including Barkha Dutt speaking in Hindi, what was up with that? And please do not get me started with the two President dummies.

I can just go on and on with this. Stuff like SRK being a naughty peeping tom recording on a handycam, flashing Reebok shoes, transforming from a person with intimacy issues to a Sex Guru by just reading a Dummies book and of course scheduling his sexy time [say that once more..Sexy Time in a Borat voice]. And you know what, I did not dislike the movie as much when I started this post. But now having written so much about what bugged me, I think I dislike it more, and then some more.

You know KJo, there are two types of movies – Good movies which are Good. Bad movies – which are Bad. MNIK swings more towards being Bad, but who the fuck cares. It’s already bringing in the moola innit!

Game, Set, Match

Striker sets out to achieve a lot in its limited canvas of 2 hours and 7 minutes. It shuffles through two different timelines – the Bombay of the 80s and then the infamous ‘December 1992′. Siddharth as Surya is a Bombay bred n brought up lad, who moved to Malvani in his childhood along with his elder brother, sister Devi and parents [ Rajendra Gupta 'member Chandrakanta's Pt. Jagannath and Seema 'Bandit Queen' Biswas ]. Life in the underbelly is a constant struggle. And if Slumdog Millionaire tried to higlight it in a way what the critics call it as ‘poverty porn’, Striker does it in excruciating details. From the dark bylanes to the darker money churning Seths, the hustle and bustle of the Local train to even the brown and battered vests, Striker strikes the right chords. After all it’s a game. And it suceeds in achieving what it set out for, more or less.

Before I talk about the film, let me emphasise on this point that this is not a sports movie of an underdog’s triumph. Although there is a major chunk of the movie spent in dark rooms with lamp shades glowing over Carrom boards, this movie is more about Surya as the Striker, one who suffers at every stage and struggles through each and every point of his life- from having a failed love life to getting fooled by a fake Dubai transportation gang [ aptly named Gul Gulshan Gulfam - awesome connection - remember the 80s TV show on DD with Parikshit Sahni on Kashmiri Houseboats on Dal Lake..those were the days..sigh!] Surya grows up learning Carrom from his elder brother, and in different situations has to come back to the game. The game scenes are a bit repetitive, but coupled with the background score, it does succeed in keeping the tension alive. But more than anything which keeps the movie rolling is its eye for detail. And the filmmaker Chandan Arora deserves credit for it.

From chuckle worthy references of Govinda-Kimi Katkar as Superman-Spiderwoman in Dariya Dil, to the unapologetic mumbaiya language, and even references to Rajeev Gandhi – Striker has enough room for us all to chew upon. And similar to Kaminey, the awesomeness here is in the details [ I know I know, I am chewing the cud a bit too much ]. The fascination with Dubai for a fast-route to prosperity, absense of mobiles, and even Carrom as a game not limited to juice-peevanu Tikras is all reminiscient of the 80s and early 90s. Tell me, who plays Carrom anymore in the age of post Cricket match-fixing and Football betting. And of course, references to the immortal Sholay always wins extra brownie points from me
Aditya Pancholi’s scarfaced Jaleel Bhai is a bit confusing. The man has no sense of profit n loss. He is a bit of a maniac himself betting left, right and centre. C’mon dude, even the 8 year old sitting in a cinema hall in Malvani right now knows that the hero will win. So, don’t mess with him. Anupam Sir is quite competent in his limited role. Nothing bad about it, but neither overpowering – still, no complaints.

Sidhharth as Surya gives a credible performance. He emotes effortlessly, and his frustration and angst comes across easily. And it is very easy to take pity on such a character who suffers through a lot. Unlike Dev Patel’s Jamal, Surya is not focussed about achieving something. All the events in his life are driven by the circumstances that surround him. And tbh, it is a fresh change to see Bollywood heroes not saving the world before and after shower. Heck, in this movie, the hero does not even shower, sleeps in a boat. Although I have a huge problem with the rape attempt and his adopted method to undo the harm by marrying her. The problem is with the girl agreeing to get married to him. Perhaps she did like him before to agree to it. Anywho, Surya even admits that his climactic act wasn’t heroic at all. And then he uses a big ass iron striker .. so much for symbolism Jeeyo Raja!!!

Vidya as Siddhart’s elder sister Devi is a breeze to watch. Chak De Vidya

Of course, this review is incomplete without mentioning the star of the movie – Ankur Vikal as Zaid [ we saw him last as Mamman in Slumdog ]. This man was born to do this role. His body language, the gleam in his drugged eyes, and absolutely high grin – all adds up to a memorable performance. His colorful range of shirts, uncombed, uncut hair and maniac behaviour is second to none. I know Bhope Bhau didn’t win any awards. But if Zaid doesn’t win anything next year, I’ll disown all them awards.

To sum it up, Striker is a win win for me. I cannot say that this is a must watch or not [its for you to decide], but for cinephiles who get a bit high by picking up the clues scene by scene, this is quite an unmissable one. And I know, you are on that seekbar yourself on Youtube. Cheers!

P.S. I am still waving as I hit this publish button, discussing the movie in real time while my fellow bloggers are watching the movie. Awesome #strikerwatchalong. More updates on the wave in an upcoming post.

*** Gave me the Sunshine.. of Seasons Past***

Warning: This is not a review of 3 idiots. And sometimes the language in this post could be a tad colourful for your taste.

I am a child of the eighties. Unlike the children of the late Nineties or the Noughties, who grew up with Satellite TV and alternative career choices, my options were limited. I never clearly knew what I wanted to do. Maybe I don’t know still. I was good in Maths. I hated blood and dissecting frogs, and I wanted to travel outside my hometown, maybe work somewhere in a city in India or even abroad. I have 3 cousins who are Engineers, and hence my parents were keen enough to make me one. And so I became one. All of this sums me up as a blend of Raju, Farhaan and Rancho – our three protagonists of 3 idiots. And hence, unlike “reviewers” who would compare this with Munnabhai B.Tech [with certainly no idea of what they're talking about], I feel deeply connected with this movie in a very obvious way. I have gone through that phase of peer pressure, fear of failure, coping with parental expectations and above all, the struggle between the safe-route naukri routine and the true calling in one’s self. I have a confession to make – I became a Mechanical engineer not because I was fascinated about Machines or autombiles, but because it ensured a better and a secured future. [ #Fact: Majority of Mechanical and Civil Engineers get recruited by IT services MNC's, or go ahead with yet another struggle called CAT]. And yes, although I am not proud of my decision that I never gave enough room for my own interest in music, movies or writing which surely doesn’t match my Mechanical Engg degree [or my Masters in Operational Research], it certainly pays off my bills and in a way they make me happy. Yes, I am materialistic, who’s not?

But let’s not ramble around like this, and get back to the movie. The world of 3 idiots set in a certain Imperial College of Engineering is typical of any Engineering college campus. The water tank aka ‘Tanki’ is reminiscent of the one that was in my campus. Of course, we had a biological name for it And like non-living objects, we had nicknames for each and every character we found as worthy of being termed as a characteristic. So similar to the movie which has Chatur the Silencer, we had a Silent Killer, a DOPA [Dean of P@ndy Affairs] and also Remix King [I wish he's reading this] who was responsible to add his wicked non-veg remixes to popular Bolly numbers [shining examples being Behra Piya Bada Bedardi, Hilake Pilake- Sharara Sharara and something that I can't write about in public but I can certainly reveal that it is based on Tushar Kapoor's Is Pyaar Ko Main Kya Naam Duu]. Although I wasn’t at all as competitive as Chatur, I did know an awful lot of people who were the ulta-cramming machines like Chatur, but quite ironically, would never top the class. And amongst others, I also had a couple of mates who would spend late nights until the wee hours of the morning playing cards or multi-player games and still score the highest marks. Typical Ranchos they were. And also a world which had the multi-tasking Millimeter, the Mega-Byte and Giga-Bytes And for such obvious reasons that the movie brought all these memories back to me in a gush, I loved it. Not just a bit, but a whole lot.

Of course, 3 idiots has its share of flaws of being totally over-the-top bollywood melodrama with the main hero going straight for the director’s daughter who looks like Bebo. Oh yeah, it was inspired from that book, but there’s an explanation to that. Rancho says Peeya’s mum should’ve been a looker and explains – Have you seen your dad? The melodrama and Bolly masala continues with the lukewarm chemistry between Rancho and Peeya which actually acts as a distraction to the main plotline. Not to forget the scene that I despise – The now infamous – online tutored – video conferenced – delivery scene with the aid of pressure controlled vacuum cleaner with special mention of YouTube. Not to forget Boman Irani’s portrayal of the velcro shirt wearing, time-efficient director who has a power-nap and a shave simultaneously while tuning into Opera music is although a bit OTT, I can certainly vouch for similar characters profs who have similar extreme deviant behaviour. And yeah, yeah I am well aware of the comparison of Jadoo ki Jhappi and Gandhigiri to Aaall izz Well!! But does that really bother you? Really?

But I am not complaining at all. For what it is worth, 3 idiots is a gem of a movie. It has its heart at the right place. Sharman Joshi had impressed us previously with his crackling portrayal of Sukhi (Range de Basanti) and in 3 idiots, he brings back that very innocence, and the vulnerability in the character of Raju. Extra browie points for Raju Hirani and Abhijat Joshi to have condensed Raju’s family background in a Bollywood vintage showreel montage. That was ROFL stuff. And Farhaan’s story narrated in the skin by Madhavan was just spot on. From his 1st minute-on-earth expectation load given by his Abba, to his effortlessly expressive acting, he is a breeze to watch. And of course 44-year old Aamir Khan playing a late teens guy [yes not twenties duh! We enter Engineering in our late teens, to clarify everyone who have been talking about 44 yr old Aamir playing a twenty something] is a funtoosh character. Someone should probably make “The Curious Case of Ever-Young Fair n Lovely Aamir Khan” someday And for people who find it hard to believe that a single guy can dance, sing, make hovering copter models, not care about studying late nights, romancing the leading lady, and yet emerge triumphant with the mark-sheet – lemme just say, there are such mahapurush in every batch of every department of every effin Engineering college.

And although the movie was replete with age-old jokes of students bribing gods for their results, or the paper-mixing joke or the one about -how does an induction motor start, it still makes me chuckle. And even no cynical bastard can fail to do so. Most importantly I’d like to applaud Raju Hirani for making a bold statement about the state of the Indian education system which is more stressed on the mark-sheet rather than the ‘kaabiliyat’ [ability]. I cannot disassemble an automobile engine, and my 96% marks in Machine design certainly should only remain true on paper. But I am not sure about Engineering colleges demanding text-book definitions rather than the basic concept. This is more of a high-school norm. I was wishing though that I do get to see a bit of the Kota community, FIITJEE and Bansal classes story which leads these bhains-bakri people to Imperial College. That’d been an interesting 2 minute lead to their college joining.

Chatur’s obsession with becoming successful in terms of material possessions is a harsh truth that I find in myself. Yes, in Fight Club style, we try to evaluate ourselves in terms of an Ikea catalogue by the amount of Vintage Wine we have at home, the marble flooring, the Swiss watch we wear, or the gadgets we have but hardly have an effing clue how to use. It was funny to see how Chatur remembered about a 10 year old challenge and comes back to show how much he has achieved. Some people are bloody competitive. The other side of Chatur being a complete misfit in a Hindi speaking population has been awesomely portrayed by Omi Vaidya. His confusion over the proper usage of gender with Hindi is typical and funny and not exaggeration to a bit. And that’s because he does not say Aiiyo before every line, and still manages to makes me wet my pants everytime he says -Mootra Visarjan

But that’s enough of me ranting about the movie. Engineer or not – you should go watch this movie. Thanks to Raju and Abhijat Joshi to have written a wonderful story and to have borrowed just a limited bit from the book. Thanks for an awesome Intermission and for a zippy cameo by Javed Jaffri. Thanks to Shantanu Moitra for giving all the engineers a new anthem – Give Me Some Sunshine, Give Me Some Rain, Give Me Another Chance, I wanna grow up once again, and of course to Shaan and Shantanu to have given us – Behti Hawa Sa Tha Woh. Every time the lines – Yaar Humara Tha Wo- appears, I get reminded of the many friends I have lost contact with, with whom I have spent a whole lotta sleepless nights, drinking, watching horrible B-grade movies, playing Need For Speed or Unreal Tournament, or bunking classes and tormenting juniors to write our assignments. 3 idiots succeded in bringing back all those memories in just a matter of a couple of minutes. And for that reason alone, I declare it as Bloody Brilliant!!

And to conclude, I dedicate this post, to my lovely mates from college. A picture to share – captured on the day of my last exam of final semester. No points for guessing that guy in the middle. And for the record – no matter what – Mechs Rock!!!!