Shaan was a game changer for the 1980′s brand of movies. Ramesh Sippy’s 2nd movie after the massive hit – Sholay, this was Bollywood’s take on the many Roger Moore and Sean Connery Bond movies. With larger than life villains and their lairs filled with sharks, gas chambers, sidekicks in uniforms and revolving chairs, Shaan had it all. A Bollywood version of all those elements meant that a smashing soundtrack had to accompany this yummy dish. And Panchamda’s wicked menu offers flavours of Banjara dhinchaak – Yamma Yamma, the diva cabaret – Pyar Karne Waale, the Bond themed – Doston se Pyar Kiya, the  nautanki track – Dariya mein Jahaaz, and the Mazhar Khan green screen extravangza – Naam Abdul Hai Mera. But the one track that cracks the soundtrack open with its insane arrangement of crazy instruments that only Panchamda could’ve brought it together, is – Jaanu Meri Jaan.

And I dedicate my Saturday Soundtrack to this immortal track, which brings many fond memories of my childhood associated to it.

Jaanu Meri Jaan – is typical of the Bollywood flavour of roothna-manana songs; which means a song with the romantic jodi trying to reconcile back after a filmi argument. But that is not what makes this track stand out.  Anand Bakshi’s lyrics are no doubt set in the right tone, and have the right amount of romantic air, and naughty-ness in it. But it is Pancham da’s music which gives it life. Right from the intro notes of the organ, and the light tinkering of the cymbals, to the rush of strings sweeping through the initial 10 seconds – I still cannot help feeling enveloped by a huge wrap of music when I hear it.

And then the electric guitars kick in, and there is an amazing Western feel brought in into this otherwise very desi track. Kishore da’s naughty vocals are balanced or rather contrasted perfectly by the romantic adaaye of Mohd.Rafi. And the mesh of the remaining instruments sprinkle this track with flavours of awesomeness – from the rolling congos, the blowing horns, xylophones, and even the clever use of the bicycle bells – this track has it all.

Filmed in a Best Bus in Mumbai, the film version is shorter by 3 minutes than the original track. But I’d suggest you to check out the full track below.

And here is the movie version – which has the best Bollywood bromance of them all – Shashitabh, trying to win back their lady love. I clearly remember it as a kid watching it on Doordarshan. And watching Amitabh Bachchan and Shashi Kapoor ride that double cycle thingy, I asked my dad if I could have one, and I wanted to ride it, in the same backwards way that Shashi jee does. Silly me!

It still makes me sad to see the radiant Parveen Babi, and to think that she’s no more with us. Usha Mangeshkar and Asha Bhosle’s female vocals have a limited portion in the track, but towards the end, the team Shaan unison chorus makes it all worth it. Go on, play it already.

Show some love for this amazing track, and hit the Listen button. And share this post, to remind everyone of it. Cheerio! Have a happy Saturday

You know it’s an awesome movie, when it compels you to think about it over and over again, long after the credits have rolled. You keep thinking, trying to put back the pieces in place, as the director had pointed it out, and also in your own direction of thought, questioning the feasibility. And when it all fits, you smile like a complete fool. But fuck the world, that smile is one of satisfaction – of experiencing a surge of current through your neurons, which have not been so excited for quite some time. And you almost can’t help giving in to the temptation of going back for a second viewing, just to revisit the jigsaw pieces strewn around the length of the movie, to add up to the big picture. Yes, Kahaani is *that* awesome.

I have taken my time with this, as I have revisited Kahaani. And as usual, I have volumes to talk about the movie.
Beware, long post, and yes, SPOILERS alert! :-

1:  INTRO:

The starting scene of Kahaani, reminded me of the absolutely amazing Shor In The City, which also circles around events in a city, happening over the course of a festival. And not just any festival, one which is engrained to the city’s identity (Ganesh Chaturthi). Kahaani utilises the beauty and the chaos of Durga Puja – and highlights Kolkata’s characteristics in its best glimmering avatar. The city is getting ready for the Pujo, as our leading lady, Biddaa (Vidya – Bengali mein shob ekkei! Na Rana! ) Bagchi arrives at the airport, to be received by a chaotic hoard of customer-hungry taxi drivers. Any person arriving at the arrivals terminal of Dum Dum will be familiar with this scene of rat race. Now, imagine a stranger to the city, pregnant lady’s predicament. One could not feel more sorry for Biddaa – even her name is being spelt and pronounced wrong in this chaotic city.

2: Kolkata – the other leading lady:

I know I am lingering on with this. But the way Sujoy Ghosh chose to portray Kolkata is very kaabil-e-taarif. There are no panoramic sweeping shots of Victoria Memorial or Howrah Bridge. Neither is there any eye-popping visual, nudging you “Hey! This is Kolkata”. And most importantly, there is not a single false note in the Bong-ified Hindi that the characters speak. So, if you were expecting Hoodibaba to follow every 2 words, or someone to say “Ishhh Shotti” in the same breath, you will be disappointed. Sujoy Ghosh’s Kolkata is noisy, homely, busy, chaotic, dangerous, decorated, in full Pujo season, and most importantly very familiar. From the dimmed interiors of a favourite restaurant – Mocambo, to the street food favourite – Luuchi, there’s everything to cater everyone’s taste. If Pradeep Sarkar’s Parineeta was a quick vrooming tutorial of Kolkata in its introductory 3 minutes (y’know Traamo ka ..Cofee House ke Shaamo ka..), Sujoy Ghosh’s Kolkata remains a constant character throughout the span of the movie, much like a second leading lady of the story.

3: BOSS:

I cannot help not mentioning this. This is a fact – Sujoy Ghosh, is inarguably the only director who shows so much love and fandom to the Boss, Panchamda, in his movies. It has now become a sort of the movie maker’s motif . With Jhankaar Beats, we got a taste of that fandom. In Kahaani, Ghosh employs the FM Radio as the device to spread the Boss love in the form of few of the best Panchamda’s hits – some in Hindi, and some in their Bengali versions. Honestly, raise your hands when you heard “Aamar Shopno Je” , and your brain went – hang on, I know that song. That’s ”Apne Pyar Ke Sapne Sach Hue”. Well, not me. Coz, I grew up listening to the Bengali versions on Angel VHS tapes and local radio stations. SCORE!

4: Let’s Talk About Vidya: 

Now, everyone has not even stopped talking about her Dirty Picture yet. And then Vidya lands this awesome slab on our face – yelling – BOW DOWN TO MY AWESOMENESS! And Bidda dee, we bow to thee!

SPOILER START: If you have not seen the movie – seriously, get the fuck out, watch the movie and then come back:

As we all know, Vidya has been portrayed as a damsel in distress in the trailers, who is all alone in this zaalim duniya, searching for her husband, who has just evaporated into thin air. And faced with a city which has the local police struggling with technology, and guest houses with no digital records, the task of finding Arnab Bagchi seems like finding a needle in a haystack city. So far so good. But when the “Kahaani” of Kahaani is revealed, that very damsel in distress turns into Lara Croft – out to seek revenge. Bolo Biddaa Mata ki… Joii !!

Yes, Ms Balan has those eyes, that can at once turn you ghaayal with the way they manipulate you. She can turn the kids to her minion army, make fellow cop Rana swoon in love, and even trick an intelligence officer Khan to believe in the authenticity of her situation. And simultaneously, leave us audience  spell-bound. Lastly, when the reveal happens, the same eyes project “Shakti” – the power of the Devi in her eyes. It is almost symbolic in the sense how Vidya kills the “asura” of her tale, who could not be traced down by achche-achcho Intelligence Officer dudes. Kyunki, chauvinistic pride killed the male cat. That is what spelled the doom for Mahishasura, and the same fate was met by Milan Damji.

Again, Bolo Biddaa Mata ki… Joii !!

5: Biswas, Bob Biswas:

And then, there was the instant hit, soon to be added in my Top 20 Villains List ( Zyada bol diya kya? ), Bob Biswas – played by Saswata Chatterjee, in what can only be termed as unpredictable. Who’d have thought that an LIC agent, going through the daily grind of meeting sales targets, noting down deliverables in post-it notes, could also be carrying a Beretta in his leather bag. The carbon-framed glass and the nerdy smile are enough to fool you to ignore him as one of the crowd. But on a second glance, Bob could scar you for life with his “unconventionally haunting Serial Killer” smile. Even our Bidda Maata got the creeps with that brief Metro stunt. Only if Rana wasn’t such an excellent sprinter, Bob would’ve been here amongst us, somewhere, secretly sipping his tea, waiting for his next assignment.

6: My Name is Khan:

Yet another jewel on the crown of this movie is Nawazuddin Siddiqui’s strong performance as the IB Officer, Mr.Khan. Like every cocky FBI chief that we’ve seen in numerous Hollywood flicks, Khan walks the walk and talks the talk with his power – the power of position. He smokes incessantly, and looks like there is a vacuum cleaner sucking on his lungs. His lanky physique isn’t presented well either, by his one size larger shirt. But all of that can do nothing to make Khan look like a normal Officer. This Mr.Khan is manipulative, sharp, smart (almost to the level of being a smart ass), and brutally crude with his words. Yet another brilliant find by the casting director.

7: Rana and the others!

And of course, the whole B-Town has been talking of the subtle coochy-coo between Bidda and Rana. And kyun-na ho, after all, Rana is the quintessential Bhodro Bong chhele,(a term used to describe an ideal Bengali lad) who will walk an extra mile to help out the lady, whom he seems to be deeply attached to. Parambrata Chatterjee’s portrayal is definitely worthy of a big round of applause. It is his pleasant characterisation of Rana, that makes it believable that all the ladies – be it the one at the reception of NDC or the blood bank , readily agreed to help out. Well, it helps if you have a police uniform, no doubt.

And then, there’s the pot-bellied, mid-life crisis se ulajh rahe ”Pooleesh Officer” – Kharaj Mukherjee, who provides comic relief with his natural histrionics. The older supporting cast are equally efficient with their roles, but don’t have much to play around with. It is the young kids who are easily the most expressive, and their interaction scenes with Vidya are a treat to watch. And just for that – “Champagne for the casting director !”

8: In Conclusion: 

Kahaani offered more and more with each passing minute, and with each passing minute, more and more layers got revealed. And when the final layer was peeled off, all I had on my face was a missing lower jaw, as it had hit the floor so hard, that my plumbing needed to be fixed. Jokes apart, Kahaani will go down in history as one of Indian cinema’s most brilliant thrillers, almost on the lines of Teesri Manzil and Jewel Thief. In fact, the whole “there is no Amar” concept of Jewel Thief, has been given a female Salaam by the genius team of Kahaani. From the starting title reel that captures the city of Kolkata with Usha Uthup’s “thoda bizarre hai” lyrics, to the end credits of Amitabh Bachchan singing “Ekla Cholo“, Kahaani swept my heart and feet away. There is so much goodness to be had, that I have forgotten any sort of negative bits that I came across while watching it.

Ratings ko kaho bye-bye. This is an epic win. Must watch. Aami shotti bolchi!

The Saif Ali Khan- Kareena Kapoor spy-thriller action vehicle, which is launching into theatres next month, has an explosive soundtrack to match. From the number of times I have been playing this soundtrack in a loop, what I can briefly say, is that music director Pritam is back in the game ( assuming it is not another inspirado project from the East). Hit the jump, as I briefly dissect the tracks on the cracking soundtrack of Agent Vinod.

#Steal The Night (I’ll Do The Talking) - Neeraj Shridhar, Aditi Singh Sharma, Shefdi Alvaris, Barbie Amod

I think I am suffering from a Neeraj Sridhar fatigue now. The man’s voice is almost getting close to the irritating levels of what Mohd.Aziz and Shabbir Kumar used to be. Having said that, this is a very well produced club track. The sound mix is top notch, and the track almost sounds like a feature on Ministry of Sound album.

On the remix one, the female vocals calm down the ambience, almost like *that* J-Lo track. And then, there’s some random chants, which kinda give me the feeling that this is an inspiration from some Indonesian/Korean hit. Any sources confirming this?

#Dil Mera Muft Ka - Nandini Shrikar, Muazzam, Rizwan, Shadab Faridi, Altamush Faridi, Shabab Sabri

Nandini Shrikar sounds dangerously close to sounding like an Alisha Chinai clone. All the elements required in a Qawwali / Mujra song are here, and then some more. There are the “kharash” waale Qawwals singing – “Ni Main Kamlee“, and the Harmonium solos accompany the riffs on the Bulbul Tara. But what I don’t understand is the decision to throw in the distorted guitars into the arrangement. But somehow it works. Not sure, if it still remains a mujra though. Maybe Bebo will prove us wrong with that sultry pink dress, and Saroj Khan choreography.

#Pungi – Mika Singh, Amitabh Bhattacharya, Nakash, Pritam

Skip. Escape. Next please! Oh there is a remix as well. Fuckin’ hell. Leave me alone. Oh, if you’re a fan of Mika Singh’s ridiculous discography, go right ahead.

# Agent Vinod Theme

Like a typical spy movie theme, this one’s got the goods. The horns, the guitars, the drums and a groove to match. I expect this to be blaring out of the speakers when Saif kicks a butt or two. And of course for the rolling credits. Nice track to accompany your daily work out.

# Raabta - Arijit Singh & Joy, Shreya Ghosal, Aditi Singh Sharma, Hamsika..

Don’t be surprised when you see multiple versions of this same song featured on the album. There are 4 versions in total, but I am not complaining. Each one has something new to offer. Arijit Singh’s male version is very Ash King silky vocal type, and Aditi Singh Sharma’s female version is again a very feather-light female take on that. Shreya Ghosal’s version is quite filmy to say the least, but damn, that voice is flawless. My favourite version remains the first one – sung by Arijit Singh – probably because I heard that one first, and the arrangement is very Amit Trivedi. And that is meant to be a compliment in the nicest way possible.

# Dil Mera Muft Ka (Remix) – Malini Awasthi

One of those mysteries! I don’t understand why this one would be the remix, rather than being the original. Malini Awasthi nails it with her flavour of folk vocals, and the dholaks ensure you have a desi outburst with this track. If you need your daily dose of latak-jhatak-matak, then this is the track to go for.

OKS Rating: 3 Dhiskows Out of 5

Welcome back to the spotlight Pritam Da. We missed you. As for the movie, I’ve got two words. CANNOT. WAIT.

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And that was my music review of Agent Vinod. Feel free to share it using the buttons below, and be ourFacebook chum for all the desi awesomeness that you’ll ever need. Or, you can follow me on twitter for my wise rants. Cheerio!

Filmfare 2012- what does that mean to me and you? Aap ka to pata nahi, but for me, it definitely means a lot of edited emoticons, lols, facepalms, sleepy faces, drooping make ups, fake laughters, lazy applause and SRK’s PJ’s and self-deprecating jokes (to compensate for Ra.One). There are the lacklustre performances spiced up with snazzy Adobe Premiere effects like a Balaji serial. And finally, lots and lots of laughter tracks randomly sprinkled throughout the show. Now, since the heavily edited version of the show is 2.5 hours long (imagine what was at the editor’s table), I have taken up the responsibility to help you not spend these 2.5 hours, and instead spend a few minutes with this post that gives you all the masala of what happened at the Filmfare Awards 2012. Hit the jump to find out

In the words of the great Missy Higgins, “So this is how it goes”. We have the typical faces that you’ll see during the awards show – irrespective of which award show you’re watching.

TYPE 1: SLEEP

Jo Filmfare se kare pyaar, woh neend se kaise kare inkaar!

TYPE 2: DERP

TYPE 3:  FUNNY FACES

TYPE 4: FACEPALM / MOUTHPALM

But in all seriousness, the awards show had its moment of glory as well. And these are my top 3.

1. Usha Uthup winning her first Filmfare after 45 years in the industry, was so damn emotional. And her speech was heartfelt, and kind of an “up-yours” to the thankless ones who have it easy.

2. Irshaad Kamil’s win for Naadan Parindey was again followed by a moving speech.

3. And A.R.Rahman’s win was graced by a special “2500th Filmfare Award” trophy. And Rahman almost forgot Imtiaz Ali’s name, and Imtiaz had to chuckle.

And for the other highlights of the show

a) Priyanka does a Jungli Billi Ka Swayamvar, and ends up marrying Ooh La La Mr.Bling Bappi Da.

b) SRK and Ranbir do pole-dancing in drag.

c) And they all invite Madhuri Dixit on the stage, and do an impromptu “Dhak Dhak Karne Laga” routine. And the world is a happy place. Except for Mr. Nene who looks well embarrassed.

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And that was my coverage of Filmfare 2012. Share the shit out of this memes, and be our Facebook chum for all the desi awesomeness that you’ll ever need. Or, you can follow me on twitter for my wise rants. Cheerio!

[Rahmania is where my fanboism for A.R. Rahman's musical genius, will find a good home. Here, I will be discussing many of the gems composed by the Mozart of Madras - A.R.Rahman]

One of the most common instruments that A.R.Rahman features in his sound arrangement is the Bass Guitar. I know how wide ranged Rahman’s musical spectrum is, and yet there is a unique structure and sound to Rahman’s compositions which make it uniquely Rahman. Just like other musical greats, you can tell when it is a Rahman song, or even when others tend to start sounding like Rahman. Coming back to the topic of Rahman’s “bass”-i-licious tracks, we can categorise them into 3 different categories.

a) The Groove – aka the Bass groove song, on which the song rides -
e.g. Urvashi, Urvashi -Kadalan, Mustafa Mustafa – Kadal Desam, O Bhanvre – Daud, Choti Si Asha – Roja, Dil Se – Dil Se, Chaiyya Chaiyya – Dil Se… the list is endless here.

b) The Rhythm – one where the bass guitar is played as a strong Rhythm section.
e.g. Dhaka Laga Bukka – Yuva, Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na – Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na.
P.S. In Dhaka Laga Bukka, the bass has a prominent ‘harkat‘ which you can clearly notice, a tune of its own.

c) The Slap – And then we have the slappers; the ones which remind us of bassists like Flea, the ones where the bass is not a guitar but almost a percussion instrument.

Here we list 5 of those gems. Yes, 5 big ones. There are a few more contenders, but not all of them can make it to this prestigious list. So hold your breath, as we unleash..

*The TOP 5 Bass Slapping Tracks Of A.R.RAHMAN*

5: Halla Gulla – Bombay

Bombay, by itself, was a landmark soundtrack. Each and every song was a gem, and this one is no exception. This is Indian fusion at its very best. Tabla and bass guitar losing control as the vocals keep hold of the catchy tune – Halla Gulla, Halla Gulla. [ YouTube Link]

4. Rangeela Re – Rangeela

Urmila’s dream moment both onscreen and off, takes shape with a funky bass groove transforming into a mad bass slapathon. It is one of Asha Bhonsle’s best songs with Rahman. With elements of rock and even 90′s pop, this one’s just one really fun song which never wears off. [Youtube Link]

3. Osaka Moraiya – One 2 ka 4

This was one of the most under-appreciated soundtracks of Rahman’s discography. It had some really good tracks, of which Osaka stands at no.2 [no.1 being Khamoshiya]. Osaka Moraiya is proper funk from top to bottom. [ YouTube link]

2. Aye Udi Udi – Saathiya

Adnan Sami with a very lazy voice grooving to the bass in a very reggae tone with minimal help from the piano notes. You gotta love Aye Udi Udi. And coupled with some lovely choreography set with a rewind button, we are good to go. [YouTube Link]

So, here we are, all set for the no.1 spot. You wanna know…

The no. 1 spot goes to…

1. Dil Hai Sanam / Thee Thee – Chor Chor / Thiruda Thiruda

When I say bass like a percussion, the first song that pops up in my head is this one. Again a brilliant example of awesome Indian fusion music in Rahman’s work. The serene and thin female vocals are brilliantly complimented by the rough, sharp and hard hitting male chants of Takidha Takidha Tha…and of course, the slapping bass multiplies the awesomeness. [Youtube Link]

So, that was my list. The ones which are worthy of a mention here in this post are -

Latka – Indian, Girlfriend – Boys, Konjum Mainakkale – Kandukondain Kandukondain

Feel free to comment below with your own additions to the list, and be back for more Rahmania.

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I have a pretty meh sort of relationship when it comes to romcoms, especially Bollywood ones. I am not sure if I would consider it to be my favourite genre. The occasional Dharma production or Imtiaz Ali flick seem to amuse me once a while, but that is all about it. Judging by the trailers of Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu, everything about it seemed to be average. The chemistry between the lead pair – Bebo and Imran, seemed to fall flat. They looked more like a bro-elder sis pair, than a romantic pair to me. And also, the curse of editing all the jokes into the trailer could’ve almost ruined the movie. The result of all that lead me to enter the cinema with expectations set to almost below sea level. And that could’ve somehow worked in the favour of this movie. Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu, is not a cinematic masterpiece. It is just an average, good, well told story which can be summed up as (what my poster here says) – How To Get Friendzoned in 14 days. But debutante director Shakun Batra’s smart juggling of story elements makes it work well in parts, and as a whole. Hit the jump, as I discuss some points about the movie. [SPOILER ALERT]

1. Desi, Pardesi, Pravasi - whatever your background is, we are all aware of the load of parental expectation. This has been discussed at length in Rajkumari Hirani’s 3 Idiots as well. But Imran’s character – Rahul Kapoor, is almost shown in the light of being a victim of such an upbringing, where the parents dictate almost every aspect of his lifestyle – from his hairstyle, to the bow tie he wears. And even his love life is measured in terms of a profitable business project. I feel sorry for Rahul Kapoor, and was thrilled to see him erupt with all his accumulated emotions, bursting out from every corner. And the silent smirk on the little boy on the opposite side of the table – spot on.

2. Bebo – Geet – Riana: The more I see Bebo in such roles (y’know, the effervescent character who can lighten up the room, just by showing up), the more I believe that there is no one else who could pull off this borderline annoying, eccentric and hyper-impulsive lady character. Yes, both Geet, and Riana are almost insane and irrational – and probably that is what makes them stand out in a boring, sane and routine world. Having said that, Riana has got nothing on Geet. That Sikhni from Bhatinda would rip off Riana’s arm in a moment. #JustSaying. Riana is more of an urban Mumbai girl, styling hair in Vegas, daring to live on the streets, and even visiting shrinks to discuss her failed relationships (doesn’t quite add up somehow).

3. The Bragenza family: One of the highest points of enjoyment in the entire movie, is that brief sequence when Rahul meets Riana’s family in Mumbai. Nikhil Kapoor’s portrayal of a wickedly playful father leaves a smile on your face every time he appears on the screen. Wish we could have more of that. And that scene with the old granny entering the room whilst Rahul is changing – almost made me spill my drink .

4. Aunty Jee: Song of the year. Period! Need to learn the Konkani lyrics.

5. Imran’s poor acting: I cannot overlook Imran’s inability to act. And I cannot help notice it in every single movie of his (except for JTYJN). I don’t know who is to blame. Whether it was his best take, or if the director was just lazy enough to not keep going – it just comes across as a bit casual on Imran’s part for being unable to control his real giggly self when he’s in a scene. Y’ know, the kind you see in a bloopers reel, when actors in a serious scene, just break into laughter, because of whatever reason.  I always seem to notice Imran’s acting to be so close to be shelved as a blooper reel. It is just irritating. Trust me, it cannot be unseen once you notice it.

6. The Kapoors and others: Boman Irani’s portrayal of an uptight, business minded dad is believable at best; nothing outstanding compared to his work in Munnabhai, or as Virus in 3 Idiots. It is Ratna Pathak’s filmy version of Maya Sarabhai, which adds the required spice to the upper class scenes. She does it with so much ease and natural flair, that it is hard to distinguish the real from the reel. Ram Kapoor as the lustrous business partner is hardly funny with his innuendo jokes.

7. Average is Good: To conclude, the film almost sums up with this motto towards the end – average is good. Not everyone is born to excel. And almost points towards those who excel, lack in other social aspects. (Hmm! Don’t think I’ll agree with that argument) On a different metaphoric level, it also speaks about the movie itself. It is an average movie, with an average storyline, narrated with a set of average actors (some more than others), but with a better than average bundle of set pieces. Was the climax gutsy on the part of the director to not making filmy? Maybe, I couldn’t possibly comment on that. It really wouldn’t have mattered for me.. or maybe, it could have made it worse for me if it was to end in a stereotypical happy ending way. And possibly, that could steal the thunder from Ekk Deewana Tha – the remake of Vinnaithandi Varuvaya.

OKS Rating: 2.5 Tequila Shots Out of 5

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Apparently, Bollywood came to a stand still when Riteish D and Genelia D (RD n GD) got married in an elaborate wedding ceremony, which spanned across many days, and venues, and some more. Almost the entire Bollywood, from all corners, clans and camps, landed up at each of the 157 ceremonies. And thanks to TheDailyHoney, we got to know that Jeetu jee was just around the corner, doing his morning jog. And Asin looked absolutely stunning in her traditional sari. But since I am as twisted and weird, I thought it’d be wicked to remix these celebs piccies, with my twisted celeb thoughts. Thanks to DailyHoney’s mammoth post on the RD/GD wedding reception, and for letting me use the images. So, here it goes.

Beware, image heavy post, and the language ranges from naughty to downright uncensored. And the celebs seem to have a weird obsession with “Kheer!”.

As always, this is a fictional post, and has got nothing to do with the “actual” thoughts of these celebs. I am no Professor X, but we live in a world of such dumbos, so I had to clear this up. Also, please do not sue me, or send me hate mails. It’s all in good spirit, and for laughs yaar. C’mon, it’s Monday!

And so, at the grand wedding reception, the guest started to show up. First up, were Jacqueline Fernandez and Sajid Khan (fresh from building the #Slapgate bridge of love), and Saif was at his geeky best. And seems like Bebo did learn a thing or two about being a Trekker.

Next to enter were Himmesss bhai and Imran Khan
(in his Chambal Ghaati avatar)

Speaking of Chachu, as soon as Aamir saw Saif, he was like totally back to his DCH days. Whilst, Saifuu, being in an overdrive of Agent Vinod promotional tour, had lost his mind.

This was all interrupted by air-hostess  Zarine Khan. Whilst guests Atul Agnihotri and Chetan Bhagat were completely lost in their own world.

Bappi da’s bling received the transmission from Atul Agnihotri’s kheer thoughts.. and while Satish Kaushik was inquisitive, Ismail saab seemed very emphatic about his Kheer cravings.

Even Chunky and Gulshan were concerned as well about the Kheer. RD and GD started getting worried!! Look!

Aaah, that Fardeen! More guests kept showing up, and surprisingly, they weren’t so keen on the Kheer. Probably, because they looked dead as Kangna, or Hyper-Excited like Mimoh.

Whilst, others were busy competing for the Best Sari title

Meanwhile in the BORED corner..

And finally the Bachchans arrived.

[ Aishwarya's comment refers to this legendary article that puts all tabloids to shame]

But the show stopping moment was when these show stoppers arrived in their show-stopping outfit.

[Images courtesy: TheDailyHoney]

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January has been very rewarding in terms of providing us trending hashtags to tweet about. From #Agneepath, to #Filmfare, to #SlapGate. For the uninitiated, SRK, in the wee hours of the celebration party of Agneepath (hosted by Sanjay Dutt), performed a slapasoarus act on Farah Khan’s husband, Shirish Kunder. Apparently, the long haired editor had it coming (as the SRK fans would tell ya!), because of his open criticism of Ra.One on twitter.

Whether you belong to the #TeamSRK, or #TeamFarah, these two sets do not intersect any more (i.e. no common elements anymore – c’mon, it’s basic arithmetic). Here is a deconstruction of the events that happened, according to unofficial sources:-

Warning: All events depicted below are fictitious, and are in no way, related to any event of the past, present or future. We come from another timeline and dimension altogether – known as Desi-Funkistan. The author will NOT entertain any threats, lawsuits or hate-mails, as he cannot read any language on Earth. This post is the result of a very highly sophisticated Fun-English translator.

OKS Exclusive: Unofficial Footage of SRK hitting SK

Here’s an overheard conversation from the infamous party
(All times are in IST)

3:00 am:- After the Filmfare awards, people at the party. Amongst them, a certain Mr.Kunder, under the influence of daaru

P.S. Only official photo available of Shirish Kunder
(Haven’t you seen Agneepath?)

3:05 am:- His threshold of tolerance being challenged,
SRK makes a comeback comment.

3:17 am:- Mr. Kunder, seems to be late with his reactions

3:17:55 am:- SRK is exceptionally fast with his replies

3:20 am:- SK gives his best shot at comeback

3:25 am:- Host Sanju Baba aka Kancha, on an overdose of Red Bull,
makes an entry.

What happened after that is a bigger mystery than big foot, or unicorns. But according to host,  Sanju Baba’s  (who was on an overdose of Red Bull) witness statement, the following incident happened. [Re-enacted by professional look-alikes] Viewer discretion is advised.

3:30 am - Other people at the party [Obligatory use of rage faces]

….After the media started reporting in a frenzy..
SRK slapped, hit, abused SK with all the masala…

A few hours later… on twitter….

… A few more hours later on twitter …

2:pm GMT. i.e. 7:30 pm IST: Meanwhile at the OneKnightStands HQ

12:pm Next Morning – The Meme is posted. And OKS has second thoughts

But then…

FIN.

______________________________________________________

[Rage Comics made by Ragemaker. GIF courtesy: Bollypop]

P.S. The author does not take any responsibility for the accuracy of the above images. The actual incident happened at around 4:15 am IST, a full hour before the above mentioned events. This is a work of fiction, and not meant to malign any characters/human beings – living, dead or virtual. All that has already been done by #SlapGate on twitter.
Issued in public interest, and also due to fear of being sued by Red Chillies.

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