Remember the age of just two channels on TV viz. Doordarshan and DD Metro? Remember the golden age of Indipop when it all began with the likes of Baba Sehgal, Remo Fernandes, Parvati Khan, Sharon Prabhakar and Alisha Chinai scorching the idiot box in our living rooms? Indipop has come a long way. Or has it really? We’ll discuss that in a separate post. For now, let’s concentrate on what we set out to achieve.

10 tracks, many contributors. Since time immemorial, collaboration or jugalbandhi has been synonymous to musical awesomeness. And Indipop is full of such awesome gems. Here I have listed 10 of my favourite ones from the top of my head. There is no such criteria involved in the selection. Just the first 10 which I could easily recollect. If you have some more in mind, you can always shout it out in the comments section. Right-e-o, let’s begin. And please, do not fill the comments section with hate mails. I can understand your passion for music, but that does not mean that since I left out a song, I should be considered as a punch bag. Thanks for keeping it clean

Clarification: Indipop -> Not necessarily pop. Collective name for Non-film music album.

10 Awesome Indipop Collaborations.

Euphoria – Shubha Mudgal – Dhoom

The debut album and song of Euphoria, this song features Shubha Mudgal singing a Maajhi interlude which is undoubtedly the best part of the song. Coupled with teracotta colours of Banaras by the banks of Ganges, this is a track to die for. DJ Bhaduri’s bass rules the pulse of the song, and Palash’s vocals supply the high-fuelled energy of the song. And above all, the awesome elements of the Rajasthani folk strings complete the experience.

Falguni Pathak – Neeraj Sridhar – Tera Mera Pyar

I am not a fan of either of the artistes. One is a Dandia queen, and the other is known for creating twisted Angrezi interpretations of Golden Oldies. But together, they have created this gem of a song. This is a lovely  ballad composed by Neeraj Sridhar. The video is as simple as it could – just a greyscaled montage piece of the two performers playbacking the song in front of a grand piano. And tbh, Falguni sounds like a cross between Madhushree and Sadhana Sargam in this song.

Chitra -Ustad Sultan Khan – Piya Basanti

My sisters says Ustad Sultan Khan sounds like our dad, when he sings with paan in his mouth She is absolutely right. But that is not going to stop me from loving this song. A brilliant composition nonetheless, this track has Chitra balancing out the heavy bass vocals of Ustad Sultan Khan, with her very lean and innocent voice. Nauheed Cyrusi’s acting career begins with this (and unfortunately ends with it as well).

My favourite portion of the sing is (unsurprisingly) – Palko ke sirhaane baithe, Khwaab wahi jo aane waale..

Lucky Ali/ Kavita Krishnamurthy – Gori Teri Aankhen Kahe

One of the non-guitar and quite un-Lucky songs, as in it sounds more like a Bollywood song than a Lucky Ali album song. This one boasts of a beautiful melody and the high pitched vocals of Lucky Ali get contrasted by the serene aalaps of Kavita. My favourite bits of the song are quite unsurprisingly the female portions when Kavita sings – Dil Mein teri yaad hai tera, ….

Adnan Sami – Asha Bhonsle – Kabhi to Nazar Milao

This one’s a chart topper. And it was on the numero uno spot for more than a year. Until it was dethroned by Adnan Sami’s crowd pleaser – Lift Kara De. But everything about ‘Kabhi To Nazar Milao’ is lovely – apart from the cheesy video featuring – Salil Ankola, Aditi Govitrikar and Perizaad Kolha (yep, the one from Great Indian Laughter Challenge).

The Saxaphone intro followed by Adnan’s heavy vocals get dissolved in the melody of the piano and then Asha jee unleashes her magic. This track is to die for, and hence, it remains as one of my favourite ones. There are other beautiful duets on the album, and even better melodies in Adnan’s subsequent albums featuring an array of Bollywood actresses. But a duet with Asha Bhonsle – c’mon. Nothing else stands a chance.

Colonial Cousins (Hariharan/ Lesslie Lewis)- Krishna

Eat this! Colonial Cousins went to Billboard Awards the following year to perform this. With lyrics such as - Jesus, come back and save the world, you are the future of every boy and girl – there was no reason to stop this song from becoming an internationally appealing song. Nevertheless, the video is a very touching tale of a young kid gone astray due to unfortunate circumstances and how religious fanaticism can break families into fragments. The message of secularism is effortlessly conveyed in a beautiful and yet simple melody by Hariharan’s Carnatic classical renditions and Leslie Lewis’ English vocals.  Okay, so they are not really collaborators, as they had a name for the duo and all. But really, do you really want to exclude this song on the basis of that technicality? Need I say more?

Jagjit Singh, Lata Mangeshkar – Sajda, Gham ka Khazana

Originally released in 1991, this track was re-released in 2006. The video is a very poorly produced one with young actors with hideous make-ups and awful grey hair trying to portray 30 years older version of themselves drinking tea in a hill station. So, forget the video. Just let yourself dive into this beautiful ghazal which speaks of missed chances, harsh circumstances, undying love and yet unfulfilled. The lyrics by Shahid Kabir, express grief in the strongest way – check this out.

Apne Gham ko Geet banaakar gaa lena, Raag purana tera bhi hai, mera bhi

Jagjit Singh, Asha Bhonsle – Dil Kahi, Hosh Kahi

A much needed collaboration that we had all been waiting for. And when finally it happens, they had to bloody ruin it with a music video which has not one , but two Riya Sens and a Victoria Secret catalogue. Imagine! But nevertheless, this song is a brilliant composition by Aadesh Srivastav, and heartfelt lyrics by none other than Nida Fazli. And Jaggu Bhai and Asha jee ke jalwe ke to kya kehne My favourite lines -

Hum Koi Waqt Nahi Hai Humdum, Jab Bulaoge Chale Aayenge

Apache Indian, Jazzy B – Dil Luteya

I am not a big fan of either of them. Apache Indian will always remain associated with my growing up days of Indipop on Doordarshan’s music shows with the regular appearances of crossover hits such as – Chok There and Me want Gal! As for Jazzy B, I had always considered him to be an artiste that only the North Indians could enjoy, especially those who have relatives in Southall. But with the album – Romeo, Jazzy B totally turned around, and with this awesome collaboration with Apache Indian, he almost revived the sound of Apache’s rapping. Give them some mercy mercy mercy!!!

Alms for Shanti, Taufiq Qureshi – Superbol

My numero uno choice for this post. This one is a once in a blue moon occurence in Indian music scene. Thanks to awesome people at Channel V, that this project came to life. V Jamming brought together some of the best names in music together to write, compose and record the music within a limited time. Now, if I were allowed to choose I would choose this album as the best collaborative effort – no questions asked. But I did not make the rules. C’mon, there is so much awesomeness here – Shaan and Sukhbir, Parikrama and Usha Uthup, Euphoria and Mehnaaz, Talvin Sing and Ila Arun, Sagarika and Strings, the list is quite heavy. But if I had to select one – it has to be – Alms for Shanti and Taufiq Qureshi’s percussion explosivo – Superbol. With catchy and tongue twisting lyrics and heavy percussions sounding like thunderstorms, this one deserves to be given the super salute as the NUMBER one Indipop collaboration. Tadhom na Tadhom na Tha!!

Disclaimer: The intention of this post is not to mar any person’s dignity or self esteem, dead or alive. Its just a piss take and please take it in the best of the spirits. Please don’t sue me. I am not a rich dude. KTHXBAI!

Ok, I am the occasional chick-flick visitor. I have watched the likes of Notting Hill (who hasn’t), Bridget Jones Diary etc etc. On quite a few occasions, I have managed to even like them. Not because of the underlying romance, but because the characterisation was very well dealt with. Be it the failing travel book store owner or the dumped writer who falls for the Portuguese girl or even the dancing Prime Minister (I know you know all those references). Which now brings me to Aisha, an adaptation of Jane Austen’s Emma (as the publicity press releases say) and unofficially copied from Clueless. I have neither read the book, nor seen the Alicia Silverstone movie. So what I write here, is just judging the movie by its own strengths and flaws.

Well you remember the first of the series – Tweeting the Movie – Veer( Part 1 and Part 2) . So here I am, with Chapter 2 – Aisha. Its always fun to take the piss out of movies which make you realise about the two hours of your life that you’ll never get back. And so here I am, spending more than 2 hours to get this post done.
P.S. The language on this post can get a bit too colourful for your taste, if you know what I mean

Hiya @everyone. I am like totally awesome chick.

I like, spend my rich Dad’s hard-earned cash for a living and have nicknamed it ‘Event Management’. How cool! #winwin

And like, I totally dig true love. Its so cute to see MILFs getting hitched with DILFs innit. #AishaIsAwesome Pls RT. kthxbye

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P.S. I like animals, I pretend to like Polo coz its totally upmarket.

Quick, time for an Elle makeover twitpic.

I’m having a hangover from that party I had last night. Hence the glasses.

Also, I can’t remember which movie I am in right now. Is this ‘I Hate Luv Stories’? #hangover

Also, I so love sobbing whilst I watch that Kajol-SRK dancing in the rain scene from K2H2. That movie is my Bible.

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Hiya @everyone. I am Bose, Pinky Bose.

Together with Aisha, we spread the all mighty shallowness of our lives through our devotion to the Elles, Vogues, Chanels and the likes.

We wear shades in the night (just kidding!).

Oh, I love Aisha so much that I’d get my face cloned like her. #scifiTweet

Together, we form the ‘We love Aisha fanclub’ and spend all day long spending money on all kinda.. ooooh shoes!!!

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Myself Shefali from Haryana. I am the Behenji types.

I am like in the big city to find a Dulha for myself, and fall in love, #HayyRabba!!

Doesn’t matter how many times I fool myself falling in ‘love’ with so many men. Oh! I am so confused jee.

Thanks Aisha jee, for making me your project, and transforming me into that…

Here’s my Before and After transform pic. Now watch closely, coz this is going to be more interesting than anything else in this movie.

Some dude will definitely fall for me, hai naa!

P.S. All this was my evil plan, huaahahaa. All this while, when Aisha and everyone else would be busy dealing with all the superficial problems of their shallow lives, I will actually steal the show. Like totally! #ShefaliFTW

And yes, that last tweet was more than 140 characters. I’m awesome!

So, officially, we are the I love Aisha fan club. Any moment now, we’ll start singing – Piya Piya O Piya Piya

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Whilst all of this is happening, the dudes in the movie are suffering from acute deficiency of testosterone.

@Aisha Girl, you need to take life lessons from me. After all, I am Mr.Practical from Wharton and shit.

@AmritaNYReturnGal You did come back due to recession, didn’t you? The black bikini clad sari outfit suits you.

@Aisha You gotta stop trying to fabricate lovey dovey situations aight!

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Oi @Arjun, you need to stop giving me these tips. If I needed those, I’d rather go to Baba Ramdev and start doing Kapaal Bharti. Bloody #InvestmentBanker!!

Oh yes, ’bout the last tweet. These non-creative rational beings, they should be totally eradicated from the face of this earth.

And then, this planet will be filled with people – all of whom are dressed in Armani and #Versace branded garments. How pwetty!

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@Aisha Of course, of course , that’s the life innit.

BTW @Aisha, why have you kept your mouth open so widely? Breathing problems?

Also @Aisha, what’s with those heart shaped glasses.

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Arre nahi yaar @Arjun, my eyes are all drained out by the immense amount of work I have put into nuturing my pink teddy bear all night.

And suno @Arjun, my mouth is open, just in case someone gives me some ‘chanda’ for my next new dress. I am bankrupt now you see.

Where’s mah girls?? Bitches!!! Come to me. #ILoveAishaFanClub

@Shefali Tum ye karo @PinkyBose Tum wo karo

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Naari ka Samman Karo, Mat Uska Apmaan karo !!!

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Man, what am I supposed to do. @Aisha Is  this our first date?

@AmritaNYReturnGal Is this our first… ummmmmm!!!!

Man, what am I supposed to do. Build some more body??

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Enough!!! Enough of all this shallowness. Even I can’t sink LOL.

Time now to hit on that rich @MithaiwallaDude. I know he totally digs Aisha, but still.Shhh!! #EvilPlan

And I know exactly when to ask him out, right after he comes out of the loo, and when I am like almost shitting myself (literally) with the loo roll in my hand. #Twitpic

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Meanwhile, I’ll keep on stealing the thunder from all these bitches.

I’m gonna first fall for Randhir, oh jee am confused.. And then Dhruv, and then.. Arjun.

Ha! The slag from Haryana, that’s what they’ll call me.

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No one steals the thunder of the superbitch, that’s me!!!! Banungi main.. #Bitchwanti

I have a love/hate relationship with the rains. I love the rain when it means a relief from the scorching heat that burns the day. At the same time, rain also means floods, damp and battered roads and splish splash on clothes. I hate going to work when it rains. None of this makes any sense with the title of the post. So, I’ll try and explain.

Suniyo Jee Araj Mhaariyo from Lekin(1990) is one of those rare songs which create a rain-like ambience with extreme ease. It is not a Raag Malhaar song . Based on Raaga Maand, this song depicts of the pathos and longing of a woman longing for her beloved. It is the rainy season – Saawan, which has been portrayed as the season of love, and with the advent of the season, the woman pleads to her lover to take her home. The sensuousness and feeling of loneliness occupy the emotional outcry of the woman.

Now when one speaks of Lekin, the song “Yaara Seeli Seeli” immediately pops up in everyone’s head. But trust me on this. There is no reason, one should miss this one out. Dimple Kapadia gives the performance of her lifetime.

And then, there’s Alok Nath looking as miserable as humanly possible. Legend goes, that Alok Nath eats the same Aatta as A K Hangal and hence stopped ageing at 50. He’s been 50 since he was actually 20. Go figure.

On a serious note, the earthy lyrics by Gulzar saab are absolutely brilliant. Have a go at this.

Bhije Bhije Angana ki.. Yaad Jo Aaave

Rukhi Rukhi Ankhiyo mein.. Reti Udaave

Sooni Sooni.. Kori Ankhiya.. Bhejiyo Phuhaar

[Translation:

I remember those memories of the wet courtyard

In the dry eyes, the desert sands are blowing

For my lonely, white eyes, send a fountain ]

And with Bhije Bhije Anngana.. Hema Malini gives an appearance. I won’t give out the spoilers on this one. Go and watch it.

Pandit Hridaynath Mangeshkar’s music in Lekin is unparallel. Right from the intro Sitars which create the ambience of the rainy season in an instant, to the flawless aalaps throughout the song, Lata jee and Hridaynath have created what can be best expressed as magical melody.

As Mr. Bachchan would say – Adwitiya! A very well deserved National Award for Best Music director.

Check out the song below.

Also, I have embedded three versions of the song in a well-crafter Youtube playlist.

1) The original Lata Mangeshkar version from Lekin.

2) A lil-bit off but still brilliant live-performance by Sonali Rathod joined by Roopkumar Rathod at Mission Ustad

3) Shreya Ghoshal in her teens, performing Sunio Ji live @ ” Sa Re Ga Ma”  - the good ol’ days when Sonu Nigam used to host it. At the judges panel – Kalyanji Anandji.

EUPHORIA !!! The word itself fills my thoughts with splashes of colours and happiness. And that’s how Euphoria’s music is  - vibrant, melodic, beautiful and very Indian, and not in a dumbed-down way. And along with the upbeat songs of the folk genre, they have also some really heartwarming love ballads and even Qawwalis. Euphoria’s spectrum of music genre is spread wide and can be defined only as what Palash calls it – Hind Rock! And each of their videos has a story to tell, a proper story, like a mini-movie of sorts.

For the uninitiated, the band line-up as of now is :

Back row: Palash Sen (lead vocalist, standing)
Front row L to R: Ashwini(drums), Benny (Keyboard), Irshad(dholak and percussions), DJ Bhaduri (Bass Guitar),
Reshu (dholak and percussions), Hitesh (Guitars).

I, personally, have seen them perform live once at my college campus (NIT Silchar), and there is only one thing which I want to say bout it. Man, they performed for almost 3 hours straight. And what a flawless set. They sing their favorites from the albums released so far, and apart from that do covers as well such as – Another One Bites the Dust, Every Breath You Take and Smoke on the Water. It has been almost 4 years now since that concert, and I can still vividly remember the wild fun that I had.  And so,  in memory of that awesome one wild night, here I list down 10 of my favourite Euphoria songs.

10. Raja Rani

This begins with a high pitched Palash belting out a Rajasthani folksy lyrical syllable. The instruments used are also reminiscent of Rajasthani folk. And so is the video, which is filled with beautiful deserts, puppets, colorful turbans and a cutesy love story. And the lyrics has elements of national integration – Multani, Bangaali, Dogra. How can you not love this?

9. Gully

Just sheer fun. Right from the intro clinging of the metal ring, to the catchy chorus catch-phrase – Tak Dhina Dhin. In a picturesque video directed by Pradeep Sarkar which highlights his signature desi style. So there’s the hustle-bustle of a dulhan-walle ghar with the pandals, the light arrangements and garlands strewn across. And then there’s Vidya Balan playing the coy and shy bride who almost gets married to the greedy family. But our hero Palash dude gets to the rescue and saves the day. Guru phataphaati!! Yep, one of the catchy phrases generated by this song. The playful lyrics are a delight e.g. Kya karegi tu Kashmir Jaake, Swarg tera yaha..

8. Sha Na Na

One of the overlooked and underappreciated songs from their first album, Sha Na Na is a solid pop rock song replete with guitars, bass and rolling drums and contains a very funky chorus line which you can sing all day long. And yes, that’s Neha Dhupia in the video before her Miss India, and then Julie days.

Pyar ka Jadoo Chal Gaya…
Main Deewana ho gaya..
Ooo yeah! Chodo tum satana..
Ooo yeaah!! Mat karo tum na na na na..
Sha Na na Na ..

7. Ab Na Jaa

The first ballad on this list. Let’s forget the video for a bit. And lend our ears to the lyrical words which are woven beautifully to Benny’s piano melody.

Aankhen Bandh kar lu jo main..Dekhu bas tumhe
Khwabo Mein hi keh sakta hu, Apna tumhe
Rehne de, Mera ye Vehem pe hi Yakeen
Na jaa abhi..
Pyar ki ye raat hai, ab na jaa
Chhoti si ek baat hai, ab na jaa
Pal do pal ka saath hai, ab na jaa
Jaadu si ye raat hai, ab na jaa

[Translation:
I close my eyes and I can only see you
Its only in my dreams that I can say you're mine
Let me keep on believing in this misbelief
Don't go now
Its the night of love, don't go now
There's something I want to say, don't go now
This togetherness is short, don't go now
Its a magical night, don't go now]

6. Mehfuz

When Gulzar saab teams up with Euphoria, the result is no lesser than perfection. Mehfuz is one of Euphoria’s masterpieces because of its melancholy tone perfected by the musical arrangement – the flute and the slow bass tune which haunts even after the song is long finished.

And the lyrics – sigh! Have a go at this.

Phir bhi banke nishaan tere honthon ke kisi konon main hasi ki tarah main mehfuz hoon

[Translation: Even then, as a mark, like a smile on some corner of your lips, I am safe. ]

5. Tum

Ok, this one is hands down the best ballad written in Indipop. The video is quite tragic like most of Euphoria videos which involve the death of the female protagonist ( on more than one occassion). I guess Palash or one of the band members has suffered from such a loss. Bless! Coming back to the song, the lyrics are just top notch. Check this out -

Pehli saas, Mere din ki pehli dhoop
Tum Chand ki pehli kiran
Pehla Geet, Baarish ki pehli boond,
Tum sheet ki pehli kampann

Usne Bheja tumhein mere liye
Suune dil ki tum dhadkan

Saanso mein jo mere khwabo mein jo, wo ho tum
Yaado mein jo, meri aankho mein jo, wo ho tum

[ Translation:
The first breath, The first sunshine of my day
You are the first ray of the moonlight
The first song, The first droplet of the rain
You are the first shiver of winter

He sent you for me
You are the beat in my lonely heart

The one in my breath, the one in my dreams, that's you
The one in my memories, the one in my eyes, that's you]

4. Dhoom

The one that started it all. And I love everything about it. The folk elements juxtaposed brilliantly with the heavy sliding bass of DJ Bhaduri, and the awesome jugalbandhi with Shubha Mudgal’s bengali Majhee song. SD Burman would have been very happy if he heard this. And to top it all, Pradeep Sarkar’s opulent presentation set in Banaras filled with Gulal, the Ganges and gorgeous model -

Love it..to bits. Sujoy = Dhoom pichucked!

3. Waise Hi

Now this is what I would call stuff of geniuses. It starts off with a crunchy guitar solo and you’d expect a rock song to come out of it. But then it mellows down and before you know it, voila, its a Qawwali. And not just any random one. The solo on this song was performed on Abida Parveen’s Dumadum Mast Kalander when Euphoria collaborated with Rahat Fateh Ali Khan. And I wish they had included at least a section of this song.

This has all the elements to make it an awesome qawwali, needless to mention the gradual picking up of the tempo and the mood of the song. And to top it all, Palash in a naughty way blurts out – So does this surprise you baby? Hehe!

This has no video unfortunately, but for your listening pleasure, I have embedded the audio file below.

Saanse chah kar bhi rukti nahi,
Aise hee jeena hai to, yahee Sahi..
Dil to dhadakta hai aise hi
Muskurata bhi hu main, waise hi..

2. Mantra

The first single to be released in the history of Indipop. And this one pretty much defines what Euphoria is all about. The lyrics are reminiscent of every rock number and yet they do not sound like a cheap copy/translation of an English rock song. Its positive, ambitious and most importantly smart. And also, Hitesh’s guitar solo after the second verse is one of the most awesome guitar pieces on any Indian album.

But what makes this track on no.2 is the solid intro instrumental which is an awesome jugalbandi between the guitars, drums, the tabla and Palash Sen’s screaming vocals.

And the inspirado lyrics go something like..

Jeet kya aur haar kya
Gham aur khushi ke paar kya
Hai Megh ke aasar kya
Toofan kya, Majhdhaar kya

Hai Baadlo ke paar kya
Gham aur khushi ke paar kya
Bas jan lo hai pyaar kya
Ye mera Mantra…

1. Maaeri

I don’t think any of you will disagree with the choice of this song as the no. 1. And over the years, it has become almost the anthem of every desi college lover.

The intro lyrics – Teriya Meriya Poool Gaya
Pool Gaya Haar de jeet
Hee Maaye, Main Jeetnu
Hove naa je Meet

I have forgotten about you and me
I have forgotten about loss and victory
Oh mother, what victory is a win
If I don’t have my love with me

Reemi Sen’s earthy looks do wonders to the video. The toothpaste on the nose, the railway-track pressed coin, the station tea shop, and the busy compartment in a train rattling through the foggy villages – all visuals which depict so much in each and every frame than most movies can possibly can. And the story of love kurbaan-ified by the zaleem duniya aka Ladki ke Mummy Daddy. I tell you, they should be mummified with a ‘lep’ (layer) of Mirch Achaar (Chilli Pickle).

So there you go. Those are my top 10 pick for the Euphoria playlist. I know a lot of you will be disagreeing to this, and questioning and possibly pelting stones at my window for excluding – Phir Dhoom, Bewafa, etc etc. C’mon people, only 10 spots. But you do have the comments section to let your outburst get out there. But please, behave.

Band Image courtesy: Dhoom.com

And because I am so awesome, here’s a grooveshark playlist with 6 of the 10 songs (couldn’t find the rest).

Haven’t done this for a while. So I have put on my observation glasses which see in a different dimension than your normal bi-focals. After all, I am not your regular mango people (aam-aadmi, ok, I ruined the joke).
Now, I did come up with this a long time back, but having seen one of the ladies recently in a very beautiful avatar, I couldn’t help but just spill the beans.
Hint 1: Marion Cotillard. Oh! I was supposed to give a hint. Eh! Ever since I saw her first in La Vie En Rose ( her Oscar winning role as Edith Piaf), I haven’t stopped loving her. And now that I have seen her play the menacing subconscious (oh noes spoiler?) of Mr.Cobb in Inception, I cannot stop thinking about her (and the movie). So, in the Red corner, here’s Marion Cotillard.

Hint 2: Now who could look like Miss Cotillard possibly. C’mon think! I don’t think this is going to be tough. C’mon, I know you must have thought the same too. A Bollywood connection? Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Miss Universe 1994, and one of the most elegant beauties of Bollywood – Sushmita Sen. WHOA!

Didn’t you figure it out? Have a look below.

Do you guys agree with my observation? Shout it out in the comments.

Also, please visit my Separated at Birth posts for more lookalike fun

Now we have had the Guitar as a symbol of uber-coolness and what Anu Malik would point out as “The X-Factor” in a dude, or even in a dudette. Bollywood has always tried to incorporate this instrument of uber-coolness into the character of our main protagonists on whose responsible shoulders, lies the responsibility of carrying the ‘cool’ load. But more often than not, these shoulders tend to slip and the rather than looking like a confident weight lifter, they often tend to look like a malnutrition patient in an Atlas position [really horrible analogy I know]. Well, after all, our Bollywood heroes are not really good guitarists- not until Saif Ali Khan came into the scene and showed how it’s done [ just have a look at Piyu Bole for example, and you'll know what I mean ]. Neither can they mimic as passable mock rockers.

Now I am a Guitar Hero addict, and cannot play a single song on the Guitar except for a few bass riffs. And whenever I see these Bollywood ‘Guitar Heroes’ scoring with the chicks as they strum their fingers on the strings in a fashionable way which is miles away from the actual tune being played [ or sometimes they even don't bother to strum ], my blood boils [ a literal translation of a Hindi proverb : Khoon Khaulta Hai Mera ]. So, to take my revenge, here I list down 10 of those big criminals who have tormented me in many a nightmares in their horrible avatars.

Behold for the Guitar Villains of Bollywood

10. Bharat Bhushan – Tum Bin Jaau Kaha ( Pyar Ka Mausam ).

The confidence with which Bharat Bhushan jee strums that little Ukelele-ish instrument with his right pinky sticking out deserves a thousand claps. And he completely melts his wife with his music. Now, it’s a different argument that his wife is none other than Nirupa Roy. I love this song, and Kishore da’s falsetto is impeccable. But Bharat jee’s guitar skills are .. let’s not really go deep into it. [Video Link: Tum Bin Jaau Kaha ]Shall we move on to the next one

9. Biswajeet – Lakho Hai Yaha Dilwale ( Kismat )

Now, this is a song from that era of Bollywood which was washed away by the Beatles and Elvis wave. The jacket, the bow tie, the tight trousers, the high heeled pointed shoes and most noticeably, a club environment where a band accompanies our Guitar dude. Mohd. Rafi used to be the weapon of choice, but this song has Mahendra Kapoor on the vocals. So far so good. Until they decided that the dude will be – Biswajeet.  The accompanying band is called – The Monkeys, and no wonder the lead vocalist dances like that [ watch the video, man, I dare you, I double dare you not to laugh ]. And then, just when you thought he couldn’t do it better, he goes hands free [ near 0: 55 in the video ]. And then, back to the dance. ROFL.

8. Tariq – Aapke Kamre Main ( Yaadon Ki Baarat )

I friggin love this song. It has so much Panchamda’s awesomeness filled to the brim. And Kishore da and Asha jee have just done some chummeshwari performance on this song. But as always, there is a big Haddi in this Kebab. And that is the Guitar maestro’s killer onscreen solos. Now, I really don’t know where to begin and in fact, I am quite at loss of words here. To compare this with Biswajeet’s song, I think Tariq’s performance is almost 10 times the Ridic factor of the previous one. If you think I am exaggerating, try and watch this one out here [ video: Aapke Kamre Mein ]

7. Tariq (again) – Chand Mera Dil ( Hum Kisi Se Kam Nahi )

Again, one of Panchamda’s spellbinding medleys [ which includes an 'inspired' Mamma Mia' ] which begins with a very lovey-dovey ballad – Chand Mera Dil on the guitar. And Tariq kills it – yet again. Oh the shades, the bell bottoms and the hair. Hahahaaha!!!!! What about the guitar? Screw the guitar. Heroes are too awesome to play it right. The left hand never moves a spot, and even then, awesomeness is delivered intact. [ Video here: Chand Mera Dil ]

6. Amitabh Bachchan – Disco Bhangra ( Ganga Jamuna Saraswati )

Now, I haven’t seen this movie. And I was introduced to this by Her Highness Pitu Jee on twitter. And it stayed in my head for quite a long time. It is possibly the inspiration behind this post. Yes, it is THAT ridiculous. Big B in leather (think MJ in Bad) , with an acoustic guitar , and dancing to yes – Disco AND Bhangra. You never thought it would have been possible in this life. Well, that is why he’s Big B. Oh, not to forget there’s Meenakshi Seshadri dancing in a Banjara outfit, and some really fugly extras and to top it all – Mohd. Aziz on the vocals. Hang on, I need to link the video [ Video: Disco Bhangra ] You have to pay real good attention to the lyrics [ 2:55 ]- Dance Dikhaunga Aisa – Michael Jackson Jaisa [ Please note how Aby does the crotch move ].

5. Sharukh Khan and his chicks – Koi Mil Gaya ( Kuch Kuch Hota Hai )

I really hate Mohabbatein, and I wanted to include that whole violin thing he does in the movie. But my friend convinced me, that its technically not a Guitar. And since this post is about Guitar, I had to find the next worst thing. So, after intensive research, I found this grave crime being committed by King Khan in KJo’s K2H2. I love this song..I really do. But Rani starts playing the Guitar on a bass riff – possibly it’s a Bass guitar. And SRK just takes the same guitar and belts out a cracking tone from a proper Electric Guitar. Wrong baby Wrong. [Video Link: Koi Mil Gaya ]

And it doesn’t stop there. All those babes with those guitars; they don’t even know how to properly hold it. I know, I know! It’s just a part of the props department in Farah Khan’s brilliant college choreography, and visually it looks quite fun, but since we are digging in deep into technicality, this one gets a #FAIL rating. Sorry, I didn’t make the rules

4. Hrithik Roshan – Chand Sitaare ( Kaho Na Pyar Hai )

It is a sin to carry around a guitar as a friggin prop when the song does not have a single note of the guitar. Crimes like these have been committed by Jugal Hansraj as well [ in Ghar Se Nikalte Hi - Papa Kehte Hai ]. But that movie isn’t big enough to qualify. This one’s a late 90′s blockbuster. So, the dude gets out of his friggin boat, stretches out his arms, with his left one holding an acoustic guitar. Then the song begins [ after an initial KLPD episode]. And the dude ditches the guitar to move towards the chick and do some Bollywood routine dance coz – Taaza Taaza Kali Kheeli Hai, HUm Uske Deewane Hai. Sucka! [Video Link:  Chaand Sitaare ]

3. Salman Khan – O O Jaane Jana (Pyar Kiya To Darna Kya )

Desi dudes like Salman bhaiya will never be able to appreciate the fine art of guitaring. We get a sample of this in one those songs which every desi dude will try to learn in the very first month of learning to play the guitar. This was a rage when it came out, and when I saw the picturisation, I was disappointed. Salman bhai gives a shot of his muscle-wallah back, and then gives an about turn with the words – I Love You All. And then we get to see, he’s not playing the guitar at all. Whilst he finishes his intro dialogue, the accompanying dancers of Ganesh Hegde Dance Company show their synchronicity. And then Salman Bhai exclaims – Hit It, and friggin throws the guitar to an extra – a friggin extra who never gets to see the light of the day again. You tell me, Ye Kahaa Ka Insaaf Hai ??? [ How is this meant to be justice] [Video Link: O O Jaane Jana ]

2. Rahul Roy – Saanso Ki Zaroorat Hai (Aashiqui)

Yes, another one of those classic Bollywood guitar songs. I don’t know where to begin. Just have a look at this clip and decide for yourself [ Video Link: Saanso Ki Zaroorat Hai] . Just to remind, this is an era where Deepak Tijori still exists on the big screen. Even though, he commits himself to the sidekick role for eternity until Tushar Kapoor comes for the rescue.

But to top it all – the Sartaaj of all Guitar crimes is committed by the King of the Bollywood Guitar villains…and he is…..Wait for it…..

KAKAJEE…!!!

1. Rajesh Khanna and Mithun jr. – Goro Ki Naa Kaalo Ki (Disco Dancer )

I swear man. This video defies all musical laws. Acoustic Guitars blasting public minds with the techno Twoin Twoing sounds. Kakajee accelerating his congo playing , and a Rs.5 worth plastic guitar making Mandolin sounds. This is a song which spreads the word against discrimination  on the basis of colour. What they didn’t know was that a decade later Fair n Lovely and Fair n Handsome are going to be the bestselling cream in India.  Watch this video just for the sheer raw dance power of Kakajee who doesn’t require his left hand to play the guitar. He’s THAT awesome. [Video link: Goro Ki Naa Kaalo Ki ]

So, there you go , those are my top 10 Guitar Villains of Bollywood. I know Bollywood doesn’t necessarily translate to technically correct. But even then, Guitar crime is ruining the youth more than Rakhi Sawant [ according to an independent survey from Aaj Tak ].

Sorry, but I couldn’t find any video of Tushar Kapoor playing the guitar. If you have your own favourites to add to this list, please do so by adding an appropriate adjective before it in the comments section. Cheerio!

How do you define ‘fluff’ ? Quite a random question to begin a post with, isn’t it? Exactly! I Hate Luv Storys or #IHLS is just that – both fluff and random. Fluff, by definition means any light downy material. It also means something which is of little value or significance. And IHLS qualifies on both those categories. It is just fluff; no pulp, no substance and definitely no juice. The only thing it has is Sonam Kapoor’s electric smile trying to charge up this otherwise charge-less movie, which suffers from a desperately-trying-hard-2b-cool-syndrome.

The biggest thing that irritates me to allergic levels about this movie, is its unashamed and narcissistic self-promotion of supposed Hindi ‘romantic cult favourites’. If you think I am wrong, then how on earth will you explain, plugging in KANK and K3G tribute scenes into the movie narrative, as not being narcissistic? Yes, this is a Karan Johar movie, and this is his way of taking a piss at his own movies, kinda like being the cool guy who doesn’t shy away from laughing at himself. Oh please grow up. Spoofs are made by B-grade directors and geeky nods to movie classics do not mean flashing out family poster frames and pink teddy bears from Archies galleries. And if you think making the director in the movie – Veer [Samir Soni ] be an onscreen version of KJo would be a good idea, you couldn’t be more wrong.

Oh, I really don’t know where this movie review is going. Pretty much like the movie. It is just pointless and worthless as well. So I’ll rather write some bullet points about this movie.

1. Our dude Jay Dhingra [Imran Khan ] is a womaniser and doesn’t believe in love. He drinks beer by night, and is an Asst. Dir to the romantic movie director. So he gets to be the dude who has the best t-shirts, easily picks up girls, sleeps around with girls called Giselle [possibly], and also easily dumps women. And oh yeah, he has a fat bloke for a colleague who statistically represents women characteristics. And since our dude is supposed to be dude-dude, he uses words such as fugly [and even tries to explain what it means ], almost says What the F..[almost], and has no inhibitions from announcing about pregnancy, bisexual exes or a cute bum of another guy. How 21st century. Now only if he was really as cool as the T-shirts he wore and not end up being the wannabe he actually is.

2. IHLS exposes the many cliches of the YRF-Dharma school of filmmaking – you know, the chandeliers, the interior staircase set, pink bedrooms, karva chauts and scenes with Sarso ke khet and the airport. Was it meant to tickle me? Give me some Johny Lever I say. And no, before you accuse me of anything, one of my all time favourites is Dil to Pagal Hai.

3. Our dude Jay randomly walks into a movie theatre, sits next to Simran [ Sonam Kapor] and yes, very conveniently starts speaking to her. Yes, both of them are complete strangers. And they start talking while watching a movie in a cinema. Bollocks!

4. Main storyline – Girl is in love with childhood friend and son of family friend – Raj Dholakia. Everything is perfect, and Raj loves Simran, and so does she. I mean, she loves him too. But when Jay enters the scene, and Simran spends a few days with him on her film set and starts drinking shots on a weekday, she finds love in Jay. Which means, she hasn’t been doing this before with anyone else. Or..whatever. Who am I trying to convince? This is just another gheesa pita formula flick.

5. What’s with the title? Is Shahid Kapoor gonna start writing movie titles just like he tweets?

6. For a light hearted film, the jokes were really stale, cheap and often phaaltoo. I say MTV Fully Faltoo and the other dudes would have done a much better job rather than spending all the money on creating a fake movie production and that New Zealand tourism sponsored movie holiday.

I guess that’s about it. Sometimes you just need to put your money away in a fixed deposit than spend on the display of the developed Dolle-Sholle of Imran. With all the attempts made at playing around with the cliches, this movie doesn’t even qualify to be a good popcorn entertainer. Just avoid yaar!

OH MAGADHEERA! Thy canvas is so large, so bright and so beautiful. I give in to your might and surrender myself and my senses too. Painted in testosterene, and splashed with everything that is majestic, masculine, and mind-fraking, Magadheera – you blow me away. Quite literally. Every. Single. Time.

Just as I sat down to the starting credits of Magadheera, the brief teasing images over the sounds of clashing swords and the voice of a warrior screaming Bhairava, leaves me with an intense feeling of anticipation. The sense of urgency, and the curiosity to see events unfold grips you completely. And this is what exactly keeps me glued through the entire length of the movie even though, the pace isn’t as steady.

To begin with Princess Mithravinda and our warrior Kala Bhairava are injured badly and almost breathing their last. But not done yet until they some love. And then gravity strikes, but Kala Bhairava flings himself with a launch velocity. Coupled with an intelligent lift-drag air-resistance formula, Kala Bhairava cleverly defies laws of physics to get closer to Mithra. But not quite close..sigh!

Flash forward to 400 years now, and our warrior has turned into a dude who wears Ferrari shoes and races bikes for a living. Yes, this is a world where our dude is tormented by chupudhee chapadhee Mumait Khan who hides her earnings in her supposed cholee. And to retrieve it, an item number must follow with special nods to a CGI edited papa Chiranjeevi. Oh, and before that, Mumait Khan gives a boobie shockwave which turns everyone into stone. Not kidding! And this my friend is only the first 15 minutes of the movie. Phew! You just get to sense a teaser of the possibilities of the remaining parts of the movie and how this could actually be the inspiration behind Scott Pilgrim – An Epic of Epic Epicness. Yes, that pretty much sums it up quite right.

Whoa. Let’s explore the remaining 150 minutes with the infinte screencaps below. Keep up with me, and don’t get lost, but do feel free to lose yourself in the beauty of Magadheera. WARNING:  Long Post.

Item number done. Whistles blown. Hero now approaches his destiny on a rainy day where a mere touch with his ‘bandee’ – Indu, generates electricity of the fluorescent kind. Now there’s a lot of flirting going on here. And instead of me getting annoyed at Indu, I just keep convincing myself – this is for the greater good innit. The greater good of keeping me waiting as my neurons get fried over silly incidents – such as Indu falling in love when she sees the dude beat the shit out of rowdy eveteasers. The ‘confusion’ game continues until the dude cleverly decodes it by another ‘conduction’ incident. What we as audiences are left is to watch another awesome song to unleash which sports lyrics such as – The rain can touch you and so can the light, then why this indifference with me.

Add to that, some metaphoric splitting of water streams, and we have already covered all aspects of physics – from gravity, air drag and lift to fluid mechanics. And add some beautiful dusk shots, what’s there not to love.

But whilst the dude is still wondering why this conduction electricity keeps occuring [ and possibly very concerned about how he's gonna make love ], Indu’s Appa makes a deadly entry, just to be completely pwned by a super throat-choking dude move.

And oh BTW, the villain guy – Billa is ever horny and is also quite good in calculating projectile ranges in javelin. This movie is turning out to be so much more educational than I expected. Billa kills anyone at will, and is a rich royal dude [ going by his blue Sherwani and lovely turban ]. But he is very superstitious and keep visiting that Aghora Baba who educates him of the reincarnation theory. This leaves him no options but to lust over Indu. But what he doesn’t know is that Kala Bhairava, even in a plasma state, won’t let him do THAT.

Conspiracy theory kicks in, and silly Indu falls for it. Villain and Hero fight, cars explode, choppers appear with Rajputana aviation painted on them, and the prophecy comes alive – the birds shall fly away, the bright Sun shall turn Black, and the dude shall appeareth like a volcano. And so he does.

And with a sequence involving helicopter hanging, the dude tries to impress Indu. But yet again, the conduction electricity and gravity lets our dude down [ literally ]. Now he’s freefalling at 9.81m/s2 and simultaneously getting flashbacks from his distant past. And from that great height he could have been crushed, but he’s saved fortunately by the buoyancy and density of water. Phew!

And one of the best Intermissions EVER hits us right in the face… and all I can do is exclaim – OMFG!!! This is bloody exhausting. And the awesomeness doesn’t seem to stop. Rather, the GAME has just begun.

We’re back from the Intermission just to be rewinded centuries back and we can see the Eastmancolor version of the dude’s Sepia toned hallucinations that he has as an affect of those conduction shocks. So there’s the prophecy of the aligning planets causing trouble and some Babar-esque emperor Sher Khan trying to invade Udaigarh.

And amongst this, there is a Buzkashi like competiton between our dude, who is now called Kala Bhairava [ whatta cool name ] and the C-i-C Billa [ Jo Apna Mooh Nahi Rakhta Khulla ].

Some breathtaking action scenes in a white desert near Udaipur or in Ramoji Film city with a Quick Sand gulping down people and carts, adrenaline levels are surely very high. Gandalf’s Shadowfax can retire now as Badshah saves the day. And by the rules of filmi-politics, Kala Bhairava wins the race, the crown princess before a colosseum filled with CGI cloned people. And shame shame for Billa.

Time for a mindnumbingly beautiful song replete with percussions, metaphors, and flowing garments. How can I stop loving thee. The aerial shots and the sheer scale of the poor CGI effects impress me. Ashutosh Gowariker has a lot of things to learn.

But the Royal Purohit reminds us of the danger that is knocking on the door. The planetary alignment needs to be dealt with and hence, the princess and the bunch of royal dudes and dudettes along with Kala Bhairava and the Purohit head to the place where the Puja is to be held. Now look at that huge idol of Lord Shiva – how magnificiently grand is that! And this is where the Princess decides to let her emotions take over. But not for long, coz Billa aided by Sher Khan are here to interrupt.  And naughty Billa wants the Princess to give him a lapdance. Very wrong Billa, you’re gonna be so screwed…twice. So, let the games begin and the bodycount too.

Our dude proves time and again why he is from the Bhairava clan by slicing, dicing and gliding over the Shaitan ki Fauj who IMHO resemble the orks minus the bad teeth. Kala Bhairava even takes a sort of an Avatar of Lord Shiva (?) with all the multi-arm and multi-weaponry. You have to see it to believe it man!

Long story short – Sher Khan is impressed, but he has given his word to Billa. So Billa takes over..sorta..only to be totally pwned by our dude Bhairava. But before getting destructed, Billa stabs Monica Seles…I mean Mithravinda. Bhairava is not happy, so have a look what he does. A very serious observation here is that the blood splat count here is more than the battle between the Persians and the Spartans – don’t you think?

And now, we are back to the scene 1 of the movie – rememeber – gravity, air drag and lift and sky-diving in Crouching Tiger style – which means its end of flashback. And we are back to the present. Our dude has regained consciousness and finds himself in the jaal of Soloman, who is a reincarnation of Sher Khan. WHOA!!! Kya idea hai Sirjee

Soloman is a fisherman, who wears only Satin shiny Violet shirts, believes in the Dawaa of the Bottle, and also hires Kim Sharma for an Item Number, featuring Daler Mehndi on the vocals. Zara Bol pe dhyan dijiye – Zorse Zorse..Zoorse Zorse

Now our dude is under the influence of alcohol, and so he hallucinates Kim Sharma as Indu or his Mithra. So he didn’t really cross the line of morality by splashing water at her and sliding that broken bottle all over her.

And just before the dance completes, Solomon offers the dude his Karizma, and the roadie dude rides the bike, walks through the desert to finally reach the palace where Mithra/ Indu is staying along with Billa [ by this time I have forgotten his present name]. Now there’s a lot of stuff happening here, but let’s just cut to the climax .

The mission is to make Indu realise about her previous incarnation – and so Bhairava brings her to the same spot from where she fell. Kinda smart you see, the whole story wraps up nicely at the same spot. But not that easily. There are explosions, more Bhairava vs. Billa action, and some actions which will give Die Hard 4.0 a run for its money. But you know what happens in the end right.. right!!! Oh yeah, there is an awesome flashback of the kickass killing of Billa 400 years back.

I know this has been sort of a narrative accompanied by spoiler screenshots. But that is exactly the whole point. I just wanted the unveil the beauty of Magadheera to everyone through this, and possibly set the mood for how you should enjoy it in the most possible away. What I enjoyed most about the movie is its unashamed sense of fun and entertainment. Everyone involved in the movie knows it, and this is what has been missing from all of the Bollywood movies. Magadheera is exactly what Salman Khan would’ve dreamt of Veer to look like. Instead, Veer takes itself too seriously and ends up right where it is – in the crap disposal bin.

I am sure of Ram Charan’s rise to superstardom must have been easy-peasy after the release of Magadheera. And you can tell. He is in the zone – with the swords and spears as well as the sweet and corny routine of song and dance. Right now, from the top of my head, I cannot think of anyone from Bollywood who’d be able to do this in a Hindi adaptation. And seriously, I cannot even think of an able director for such a magnum opus.

Ashutosh Gowariker ? He’ll possibly take 2 years to research it and make it another history lesson starring Hrithik Roshan and Aishwarya Rai. And the audience will clap when Ash falls from the clip and then pray that she never gets reborn.

Sanjay Leela Bhansali? He’ll pay extra details on the palatial decorations and painstakingly sit for days and months with Nitin Desai and Neeta Lulla for the dress design. Salman Khan would play Bhairava and Jackie Shroff with eyeliners would be Sher Khan. You see where I’m going. For the role of Indu, Salman would pick a lookalike of his latest girlfriend – whoever it’ll be after Katrina.

Anywho, before this turns into a mindless ramble, let’s wrap things up. I’d like you to go straight away and buy, borrow, steal the DVD/ Blu Ray if you haven’t seen this. Trust me on this one.

To conclude, I’d just say, if this is what Telegu cinema promises, then Bollywood should just sit down and learn.