In case you don’t know what the heading title means, it translates to: I swear by my mum, this is just utter rubbish. I know I have a lot of rubbish movies to talk about this year, and so my work here has been pending. It has been long overdue that I finish off my reviews of Luck, Dil Bole Horrible..I mean Hadippa, What’s your Rashee?, Wanted, Wake Up Sid and of course Blue. Except for Blue, I have seen them all, coz I just could not gather the courage to sit down and watch 2 hours of my life sink in Blue. But having watched London Dreams just compelled me to write. I will complete my other reviews later, but this definitely deserves some good – ONE TIGHT SLAP. Let me begin with- London Dreams is a rubbish, utterly disgusting and a silly film. I don’t give a damn what the so-called trade analysts say. But being human, and with a sane mind with a normal sense of reality, London Dreams cannot be gulped down. Did I say it was stupid too? Here’s how it all sums up to:
Firstly, Mr. Casting director chooses 40-something uncles to put on foundation and anti-wrinkle creams and get up onstage. Agreed, Steven Tyler is 61, but then there’s only one Tyler. So we have Mr.Devgan and Mr.Khan as the middle aged, yet hormonally teen-spirited posers singing Hindi songs to a videsi crowd at Trafalgar Square and yes, wooing them too.
Next up, since Rock On had an ex-VJ Purab, Mr.casting director recruits two existing VJs – Rannvijay from MTV, and Aditya from Channel V.That’s a check for the coolness factor isn’t it? And what are the two supposed to do? Say words like –
a)Yo bro! Chill bro!
b)That chick is hot bro!
c)We’ll rock it dude!!
d) Repeat a,b and c.
It is supposed to be a hep, cool, rocking movie dude!!
And finally, include a recent hit female debutante. So extra marks for freshness.
Mark sheet says: BOLLOCKS!!!!
I really don’t know where to begin talking about this rubbish ensemble. It is so rubbish, and so filled with bullcrap to the brim that it is almost impossible not to watch it. It transforms into a kind of guilty pleasure while you question yourself what can be possibly the next level of rock-bottom that this movie will hit in the next 5 minutes. And it keeps surprising you frame by frame. Ok, let me compose myself and get into the skin of the movie and dissect it as the movie proceeds. Shall we? [ SPOILER ALERT..SERIOUSLY]
Arjun aspires to become Maikalaal Jaikishen when asked by his School Teacher. For a music aspirant, that is something totally unacceptable. Chalo maana, that he is from Bhatinda. But his old Sardaar teacher had to deduce from what he said – that he wants to become a Popstar. Shame on you Arjun. You don’t even know your idols yet. Arjun’s langotiya mate Mannu speaks with a crowd-pleasing lingo prefixed and suffixed with – Behen De Takke, and wishes that he never grows up. Arjun’s family is against his musical inclination, while at just 8 years, Arjun knows his true calling. I discovered that I could pee standing up when I was 8 [ TMI, sorry]. So, Arjun’s dad goes kaput, and his uncle – Om Puri [ in an extremely dwarfing role, I mean so dwarfed is he that the Hobbits from the Shire would call him Gimly uncle, anyway] takes him to London. Naughty Arjun runs away at the airport and successfully manages to escape UK Police Force. I am guessing that he was brought in with a dependent Visa, but him escaping with or without a Visa, and with no sustainable source of income worries me. [ At this point, you must be thinking, Sujoy, don’t worry so much]
Beta Arjun has a thing for that flute that mate Mannu gave him to blow [ no pun intended]. And that’s how he earns pennies and funds his musical education. Couple of years later, Arjun transforms into an Ajay Devgan look-alike, sports hoolahoop piercings in his right ear, and gives a bloody damn about UK police. He wants to and he does perform a shitty Hindi song called Shola Shola at Trafalgar square. Easily impressed cool dudes join in saying that they will just be musicians in the background and even say, the band is not ‘humara'(ours), but ‘tumhara’ (yours). Sweet!! So good so far. Arjun is head over heels for an Miss Iyyer who is a dance fanatic, but is very happy to audition as a groupie. But Arjun has his own promises to keep and hence he whips himself with his own belt so that he doesn’t give in to temptation. Brit music producers are impressed by the desperation rather than the talent and send them on a 3 city tour. And all this while Arjun narrates his dastaan to his mate in Bhatinda, who unfortunately has grown up and has a receeding hair line, but fortunately looks like Salman Khan.
Just to clear the confusion; Salman = Mannu, Ajay = Arjun;
Let me cut it short here. Salman sings a song and impresses Ajay. Ajay invites him as the new member of London Dreams [ When was the band named?]. Next concert – Ajay chokes on confetti [ Who the eff does that?] Ajay requests Sallu to sing on his behalf. Sallu blows away the crowd [ he’s good at it] with his raw talent, showmanship skills and saggy-belly dancing. Insecure Ajay gets jealous by Salman.Salman, although is a Shaadi wala brass band musician, has a natural gift of moulding music. He has got no clue of music at all, but as soon as he hears Ajay’s composition, comes up in a blink with a melody set to G chord and tempo 82 which transforms the melody into a Ghazal. Waah Ustad Waah! [ At this point, Sujoy is totally losing it ]. In an attempt to keep his dream to perform that frakin Wembley Arena, he replaces Salman’s salt with cocaine. Instantaneously [ not quite, but almost], Salman becomes a Coke addict and starts uttering racist comments like calling Miss Iyyer – Chennai Express. And with this utter emotionally straining plotline filled with misunderstandings, conspiracies and a faked oral excercise, we finally get to see that actually, a crowd of 90,000 firangs actually like the saggy bellied Salman Khan singing a DJ Aqeel remix version of Barso Yaaro. At this point, I could hear all my 200 facebook friends shouting at me – Sujoy, get a life dude. Why the frak are you watching London Dreams????
To wrap it up, let me just ask Mr. Vipul Shah – Who the frak did you think you were kidding?
You do not have the right to make a mockery out of so many things in just a single movie and pose it as a seriously cool movie. Seriously, this movie should have been named – Bhatinda to Baker Street. It is THAT bad.