Mere Ande … Mere Akhrot
Nikhil Advani, during his childhood days was very good in essay writing. Not that good with making sense of them though. Very often, his Hindi teacher used to scold him on his “Nibandh Lekhan” trying to limit them into the less than 10,000 word limit, but little Nikhil used to go on and on with his “Charitra Chitran” and ” Bhaavna Vishleshan”. Little Nikhil has grown up now. But he still finds it hard to sticking it to the word limit. Neither has he given up the “not making sense” habit. Chandni Chowk to China (CC2C) was a brilliant dissertation topic for Little Nikhil to use it for his ‘graduation’. He had the right professors – Warner Bros. and Ramesh Sippy, and the perfect material. But naughty Nikhil, rather than preparing the script, and chawking out the correct plan, had too much cheap Chinese wine to drink, went to a cheap motel and God knows what he did there. He woke up and started writing the dissertation (a metaphor for directing this movie…just for the benefit of the doubt). The result as we say- is CC2C. The only good thing that he gets in his feedback form is appreciation for the inclusion of Dada- Mithun Dada, and the continuous reference to the son of Bappida- Bappa. \m/
First things first, please…no Kungfu Hustle comparisons. That movie was completely Stephen Chow. This is Sadda Bollywood. So we will have all the rights in the world to have Bulletproof umbrellas, acidic lipsticks and the only Chinese connection that we will ever show is the Great Wall. We shall have the clash of the two titans – No, not Gordon Liu (yeah I do watch 36 chambers every other month, even then.. ), but Akshay Kumar and Mithun Da sharing the same screenspace. We shall have twin heroines in pure Seeta aur Geeta style ( another Sippy production). We shall have the protagonist Siddhu as the ‘gaanv ka chhora’, brought up on the streets of Chandni Chowk and who still has a ‘Choti’ (not small, but as in Mohan Choti), chops veggies and speaks like Namak Halal’s Arjun Singh vald Bheem Singh vald Dasarath Singh (not a Sippy production). In fact, we shall make the trailer as interesting as possible, so that we make the best grosser in the first week itself before the word is out. And we would make you think that Sidhhu could well say something on the lines of …
“I know such English Chinese that I will leave the Chinese behind. You see sir, I can talk English Chinese, I can walk English Chinese, I can laugh English Chinese, I can run English Chinese, because English Chinese is such a funny language. Bhairo becomes Baron Bei-Rong and Bei-Rong becomes Bhairon because their minds are very narrow “
But instead he says “Ye log Sindhi main Baat kyu kar rahe hai…Dado Hojo Dado Hojo”. ( I seriously think that I can land up a job as a personal advisor to Warner Bros., Sippy productions with all these awesome ideas flowing in my head right now..anywho) So, where was I? Yes, this is a Bollywood kung-fu production of the crappiest kind. Easier said then done! If you thought Slumdog Millionaire was a story of victory, think again. This is the story of a Chandni Chowk guy kicking serious buttocks of a guy who has done Shaolin kung-fu all his life (I think). This villain wears a boomerang hat which has serious sharp edges..not shitting. I donno how old is he, but he’s at least older than that statue of Liu Shengh. And what makes our hero stand out? He refers to his testicles by two nicknames – Ande (eggs) and Akhrot (Walnut). He even disrespects his Shifu (Chinese for Teacher, much like Sensei in Japanese …yeah yeah, I’m just showing off my language skills) who also is his future father-in-law. Even whilst his training, when he should rather be focussed about taking revenge, he gets more and more pissed off watching Shifu and Sakhi (which reminds me of Rakhi in Bemisaal, brilliant movie btw) eating yummy Chinese cuisine with Roti. Mr. Sidhhu can’t hold his emotions and yells out..” Rotiii????? Teen Hafta ho gaya ..Meri Gotiya Mooh main Aa Gayee hai…” ( a subtle English translation to that would be ..Bread??? It’s been three weeks and my ‘Jewels’ have come in my mouth ). He doesn’t stop there. He insults his sasurjee by saying “Agar Tu Sakhi ka Baap nahi Hota naa..to Main Ye Bamboo tere pichwade main Pel deta”..Yes he did say that, honest. (hmm…subtitles: If you weren’t Sakhi’s dad, I would have stuck this bamboo up your posterior).
So, you see, this movie has it all. Revenge plot, Great Wall, weird and absurd ‘slumdog’ hero and twin heroines (awesome chance of getting threes@##.. ahem). And yes, we have Kailash Kher taking a long aalaap in the background every time Sidhu gets emotional. And when Sidhu starts to fight, the aalap gets converted into a “Specially mixed in London Studios Underground House Mix”. So the question is-do we have anyone here who saves the day…err the movie?
Deepika…as Sakhi and the Michelle Pfeiffer Halle Berry inspired Catwoman Meow Meow…NOPE.
Oh yes, the Miss TSM thing was quite intelligent though. The only mentionably funny scene was the one when Akshay was made to dance to Aaja Aaja… Aao Twist Kare..Vinod Rathod singing Dholi Taro…and a very unjustified portrayal of ‘I am a Disco Dancer’, followed by Dardi Rab Rab, Aika Dajiba, Parda Hai Parda, Salaam-e-Ishq, It’s the time to disco and finally Tumse Milke.
Gordon Liu..c’mon the man is Shaolin personified..but still, NOPE.
Ranvir Shorey as Chopstick..meh! Next?
Akshay Kumar..yes a bit..actually his Akhrot and Ande jokes.
The S.I.D.H.U. song? Pass…so who’s left? Yes, we are arriving at that.
MITHUN DA. This movie would sell to full houses in Japan and Russia just because of him. And that is a fact. The echo effect that has been accompanied in Mithun Da’s speech truly justifies his greatness. And he is in fact, the true Liu Shengh. See his gravity defying kicks, and combine that with “Aeeee Saalaa…” clubbed with a very Desi Bihari accent-ba. I don’t need no more. According to me, he gets the Golden
P.S. Just a few final thoughts. Salaam-E-Ishq, the other movie by Nikhil Advani is shown as one of the in-flight movies when Sidhu flies to China. These movies are meant for Cheap video coaches from Pune to Bombay, not for in flight ‘entertainment’. Else please reconsider flying by Jet Airways. Yeah, that’s it. Rating???? Are you kidding?