Where do I begin? Kites is a sick and lame movie. Howzat! I have some other adjectives to add – like old-fashioned, insanely consumerist, mind-numbingly illiterate and utterly unnecessary.I’ll explain why.
The formula goes like this – You take a Romeo-Juliet-esque love story, add a materialistic twist to it, spicen up with locales like Las Vegas, Mexico, Grand Canyon and some underwater sequences. And finally, don’t forget it’s aimed to be a peppy international-flavoured movie – so lotsa bikini, screen scorching action scenes, a few smooches. But our ‘Dil’ is still Hindustani, so sex is a no no. Yes, our leads are passionately in love with each other. They are so much in love that they can give up the world’s dhan daulat, and even get violent if provoked. But after all this struggle, when they finally get to spend a minute or two together, they’d rather chat, dance in the rain or make shadow rabbits. I don’t understand how Linda (Barbara Mori) dreams of having kids with Jay (Hrithik Roshan) or does Anurag Basu want us to understand and kindly adjust ? If he does, I say it is a wrong bargain. At least that could have made the movie a bit worth watching.
Now I’ll try to explain the adjectives in details.
Papa Roshan fails to realise that it is not year 2000 anymore that we’ll be impressed by Kaho Naa Pyar Hai’s “Ek Pal Ka Jeena”. Hrithik needs to learn few more moves and stop the ones that he’s been practising since his 5th standard’s parents day function. The introductory few minutes about Jay and his life in Vegas almost sound like a lame-ass launch vehicle as if Hrithik is making his debut again. Check this out – Our dude makes a living out of marrying immigrants for Green Card, but he’s a kick-ass dancer you see. So we get a glimpse of “Step Up” – C’mon Hrithik has to dance. There’s the Coke Ad move, the Thump move, and some B-boying not-so-cleverly dummied. And casino honcho Kabir Bedi’s ‘eklauti beti’ Kangna Ranaut falls for apna dude. And by fall I mean, seriously girl, where’s thy self-respect? Ok, she’s supposed to be mental and Kangna plays that very well, right? Now in a lusty turn of events, Jay meets Linda aka Natasha as his sister-in-law. [Naughty Indian men, even foreign ones, are always after their *cough* Savita *cough*..Bhabhis].So all of that is summed up by just one word – Old-Fashioned.
2. Insanely consumerist.
Have a look at that first hour or so of the movie. I am not exaggerating any bit. It looks like a prolonged advert of Provogue/ John Players [ brands which Hrithik endorses ]. Hrithik looks like he’s had a Dhoom 2 hangover. The yacht, the champagne, the Samsung mobile phones, the casino shimmery lights, the bikes and the cars – all are so essential to the plot, hai na?
3. Mind-Numbingly Illiterate.
I hereby denounce this movie as illiterate and prescribe Hrithik, Barbara and Anurag to be straight away enrolled under the Rashtriya Saksharta Mission [ National Literacy Mission ]. Confused? Well, Hrithik speaks Hindi when he is threatening a firang goon who is hung upside down. Such grown up people make jokes like “Main Ullu Ki Patthi Hu” and “I’ve wet my pants”.
4. Utterly Unnecessary.
I think if I had to choose one adjective this would be the one. Right from the supposedly emotional sequences where the characters need to emote, it is replaced by tediously snail-paced scenes. The action sequences which were publicised to the most possible extent are just uncalled for and appear repetitive. Some sequences which have been lifted straight away from Bad Boys 2 are just lame and overdone.
Let me start again. Our dude falls in love with the Bhabhi, and runs away. Bhabhi-jaan’s husband hunts them down and so does bounty hunters and sheriffs. And all of it makes it to the TV News stations. [ America also has their own versions of Aaj Tak and India TV ]. Now there’s some serious shit happening. Guns fired, cars exchanged, cars blasted, roof chase sequences, trains stoppping, trains running and some more cars flipping and blasting with glass panes crashing faster than you can blink. Oh yeah, there’s hot air balloons as well. There’s a sequence in red, in blue and in the sun. Sad scenes are shot in slo-mo and there is a fight sequence in slo-mo too [ Very Matrix-esque]. But all of it makes me think – what’s the fucking point?
Hrithik Roshan’s best so far remains his cameo in Luck By Chance, and that still holds good. Kites does nothing for him except for making all those tween girls scream on his bendy moves. Barbara Mori is beautiful and she reminds me of Naomi Watts when she smiles. And if anyone starts talking about their chemistry yet again, I’d say yeah – like Tarzan and Jane. In fact, a few scenes were very much like Tarzan and Jane – you know, bare chested dude with the Latino Lady in Bikinis speaking in sign language.
Everybody else in the cast inlcuding Kangna Ranaut and Kabir Bedi seemed to have been written by a script writer on an internship program.
Kites is a tragedy which could have been simply told and wonderfully executed. Instead, the director’s decision to make it a love tragedy on steroids is completely unnecessary. The music of the movie does nothing to save it, and barring one song -KK’s fluid vocals on Intezar, everything else is mediocre at best. I’d like to specifically mention the Hrithik Roshan title track – it sounds so damn amateurish.
Kites is just a bloated publicity stunt from FilmKraft riding on Reliance’s hump. All in the name of excellent production value, what you get is a hollow product. It is neither a commercially entertaining movie, nor a movie with something to think about. It is a flawed product from top to bottom just polished on the surface. I still fail to realise the metaphor behind the title name which would in some way relate with the basic theme of the movie. How many times did you spot a Kite flying during the movie except for the beginning few minutes. I cannot resist saying this, so here it goes – Kites – It never takes off.
Watch it to see how Titanic sank.
P.S. Headline tag courtesy Praxy.