The ‘Aag’ of the Year is Here.
The Tashan…. The Pharmoola….. The Craps
Yeah, the days spent in anticipation are over. All this while , we were wondering what Tashan was all about. The theatrical trailers revealed only the four characters walking out of a burning house, in picture perfect glares, leather boots, and loaded with guns. Saif in his brown cargos, Akhshay in a red shirt with a gamcha tied around his waist and scratching his head, Kareena in a blazing hot white top and leather boots , and Anil Kapoor, well his presence is just enough. And then the trailer ends with Anil jee saying ” Phust impression ij dee laast impression” (A twisted UP wala tone added to First Impression is the Last impression). The good thing about the trailer was the distorted electric guitar background score that accompanied the extra stylish, extra crisp trailer which revealed nothing about the story. It was indeed intriguing. Now that I have watched the whole movie, it all makes sense. They didn’t reveal anything about the movie because they didn’t have anything in the movie that could possibly be termed as “PLOT”. Oh please, me lord, I accuse YashRaj films of spending the megabucks on such a bunch-a-loada-crap. Yes, it is so crap that it makes Bhagam Bhag (or any damn Priyadarshan’s crap remake movie) look like Ben Hur (No, I am not comparing them in any bloody way. Tashan is just so crap!).In fact, now I am unable to decide which is more crap-Tashan or the previous Yashraj offering-Jhoom Barabar Jhoom. And yes,personally, I do not have anything against the Yashraj people.I even managed to like a pregnant Priety Zinta moonwalking in ‘Salaam Namaste’, even the crooks Bunty n Bubli while they tried to sell the Taj Mahal to a firang. But for Tashan,I have only a very few things that can be mentioned as I didn’t dislike.
First, the smoking hot lady who has been referred to as the “bitch” (yes, Saif calls her that many a times throughout the reels) Kareena, has the looks and the ‘buns’. She makes you take a peek at her assets in a green, two-piece bikini and the producers think that they have sold the movie. You are wrong Mr.Producer.We might get smitten by the burkha clad Deepika Padukone when she reveals..umm..her face. But if you think Kareena walking on the sands with a green two piece would sell tickets, I’d say, it might get clicks on Youtube or may be downloads of DVDRip when the DVD is out (and thankfully, there are dedicated DVDRipers who upload the valuable clips), but not movie tickets. Not even close. But yes, I liked “them”. Secondly, the background score/Title track -Tashan. I went home and played it again , and I simply loved it. The Sukhwinder Singh track-Dil Haara Re also has a prominent guitar riff and a folksy beat to it, tailor made to suit the clubbing crowds.And well, I am done with the likings list and now I can just unleash the beating.
Anil Kapoor-Let’s start with you. Hinglish is funny, isn’t it? Happy you lots. (Derived from the (in)famous Deewar dialogue-Aaj Khush To Bahut Hoge tum).The Hinglish starts on a funny note, no doubt, but by the third time he says it, it gets monotonous, repetitive and even difficult to comprehend. Done with the Hinglish.You own a huge fort with the metal gates et al. And you still manage to trust a girl with your bank locker.Forgiven. You managed to build such an ’empire’ and still are foolish enough to trust a noob, enough to give him thy Gun. Pffft! Pffft! Pfft! Nothing much to say about Saif and Kareena. The onscreen chemistry is pretty much non-existent. Saif is busy with his histrionics, while Kareena is busy cutting her denim to shorts.The only saving grace is Akshay Kumar as Bachhan Pande. From the Ram Leela Raavan to the on-boat scene where he feels shy to propose Kareena, Akshay steals the show (in case there is any). He looks the most stylish of the lot, and well, doesn’t even try to be. Even while he is wearing the mukut and the 9 heads attached to it, riding his scooter in the crowded and cramped up gallis, or while he displays his stunts ( quite predictably. C’mon, there’s Akshay in a potboiler and he has to kick some buttocks, right?), Akshay is the only one who has ‘The Tashan’.
The biggest complaint is however with the filmmaker. Can we at least have a single hint of reality? You just defied gravity, electricity,speed (of bullets), time and space et al. What we get in the name of action scenes is a rehashed, mashed up modern-day-Neo who can kill ’em all and survive with almost no injuries. Bachhan Pande manages to abuse Mr. Bhaiyajee seconds after he is electrocuted.And the action scenes are choreographed with elaborate set-ups involving fire and water and mud and what not.Oh yes, add to that collapsing and exploding sets, burning cars, Chinese swordsmen and a fatigued Kareena who manages to lift those heavy boots to land them on the dushman‘s arse.The scenes are being captured on those fast action cameras (don’t know what they actually call it), and it makes the visual look sharp, but oh I can see the strings as well. A little recap of Akshay’s storyline does reveal though that he has been nurtured with the “monkey-hopping” technique since his nappy days.
Further, just when he thought that Yashraj could afford only this, they throw in a song with firang dancers and Kareena dressed in psychedlic hippie hues,embellished with jewels,lighted sets. And yes, there is still some more. The gang-Akshay,Saif and Kareena manage to travel from Haridwar’s “Har Ki Pauri” to Rajasthan’s palaces via a road that sports the look of Ladakh, has pure blue water, and which actually is Greece. Next, they travel from Rajasthan to Allepey’s backwaters and even meet Kathakalli dancers and coconut dealers to recover the money. What I didn’t get was Kareena distributed 25 crores amongst these locations to some random,poor people (as they looked from their Tashan statement). Then why did these dumb fools just didn’t run away with their money? But then, that is only one of the million things that I didn’t get of the movie, including the movie itself. I should be ashamed that I went to watch this movie, and more ashamed to have written such a long ‘review’.But then, I have my own Tashan-a Tashan of throwing back the crap.
P.S. The climax has a scene where Anil Kapoor comes riding his rickshaw and then, Kareena is thrown in the air, as she lands with a sword and plunges it right through the heart of Anil Kapoor aka Bhaiyajee.Now, even the sword which went through wasn’t accurately aligned. Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! It was enough for me. I could have bought two DVDs (Moser Baer DVDs come cheap) of Gunda, and could have enjoyed double the trouble at half the price!!!
If you asked me the rating, I’d give it one (finger i.e.).