News Fart: Tushar Kapoor slaps Emraan Hashmi
** Background Music** Smelly Cat Smelllly Cat…what are they feeding you?
Introduction: You thought news reporting was all about Horoscopes, Sex Scandals, Sting Operations, Khali, startling facts about Salman vs SRK documentarues, and yeah, the gut wrenching Crime shows. Hold on, I am taking News Reporting to a whole new level. Yes, the butt level, coz that is where the methane is. (Can anyone verify the composition of fart? ) This news section is called News Fart – news you would not find anywhere else; news that would stir your soul and make you turn into sleepless zombies and do the ‘Thriller’. Yes, it is that smelly and it is that tasty. Don’t blame me. It is ‘them’ (Aaj Tak, India TV, Star News,Zee News, News 24, IBN…the list goes on) who started it.
FART: Tushar Kapoor slaps Emraan Hashmi
/* P.S. All incidents depicted here are totally fake and are creations of a mental state brought by watching too much of Aaj Tak and K-serials, which is like…actually there is nothing that compares that. It is the lowest form of life on earth, ever discovered. */
Growing under the shadow of Ekta Kapoor can be mentally strenuous.Wait, is she his mother, or sister? (That is actually a question not based on Ekta’s looks, mind it!) Mentally strenuous why? Because Ekta is the epitome of Indian-ness; she is the red color in the sindoor, the tulsi in theVirani courtyard, the kumkum on kumkum (no metaphors) – you get it. And going by that, if you go on to star in movies like Jeena Sirf Mere Liye, Kucch To Hai, Shart-the Challenge, Kya Love Story Hai et al, it could take a toll on your nerves. And well, when you have your arch rival showing his ‘skills’ left, right,centre, what more do you expect one to do?
News just in from our correspondent at a Bollywood movie premiere recently, Tushar Kapoor was spotted landing the five fingers of his right hand on the cheek area of Emraan Hashmi. Due to bad lighting and the sheer volume of Paparazzi circus present at the spot, it was not possible to determine whether it was at a velocity which would qualify the action as a SLAP. But industry insiders are already making speculations. When asked , some veterans, who have been buzzing with rumors about the feud between the two ‘pillars’ of Bollywood, they did indicate about the possibility of a new rivalry between the two camps – The Balajis vs. The Who…umm.. Bhatts is it? The Khans, the Bachhans and the Kapoors are already burning with envy over the incident when this made it to Page 2 just below the horoscope section and above the Television Listings of all national dailies throughout the country. But the question remains, was it a strategic move? Was it a statement that Tushar Kapoor desperately wanted to make out to the public that Emraan Hashmi can no longer reign and be called the “Serial Kisser” of the industry (or as Karan Johar would put it-Fraternity with a decorative F).
A few more incidents have given much fire to the whole Tushar vs. Emraan episode. First, when Tanushree Dutta was seen at the inauguration of a Puppy adoption center in Dadar at 8:30 pm with Tushar Kapoor. And then at 9:00 o clock, she took off to attend Emraan’s make-up man’s (read Lip Gloss applier) housewarming party. Tushar came to know about this through an SMS sent by Kunal Khemu at midnight (yeah that is actually quite common, Kunal’s monthly bill does indicate that majority of his SMS have been sent to Tushar; Rakhi Sawant is a close second). He released a press statement commenting on the dual nature of Tanushree who could not sustain her love for puppies and went to attend a party of a carnivorous canine creature (explicit words censored to maintain the decorum of this article). To this , Emraan replied in a way that no one could have thought. He created a fake profile of Tushar Kapoor, and with the power of Photoshop, he made some ‘not suitable for Ekta Kapoor serials‘ images and posted them. Not so surprisingly, no one was interested in visiting those profiles. Emraan soon got psyched with the entire episode and created the ‘I Hate Tushar Kapoor‘ group on Orkut and Facebook. Luckily this time he struck gold. Within 30 minutes of the creation of the community a million users joined it, and started posting even more explicit messages that made Emraan Hashmi proud of his achievement. All this while, he was enjoying his victory behind the alias of SmoochieBoochie007, but least did he know that the Kapoor was also busy conspiring for an online attack.
The online battle took a new twist when a similar group was formed-this time called ‘Emraan Hashmi has bad breathe‘. Tushar even went ahead and created fake profiles (or so is said) of actresses with whom Emraan has ‘worked’. And all of them gave their contribution to the degree of smelliness of Emraan Hashmi’s breathe. A fake Ria Sen’s post on Emraan’s wall reads:
“He doesn’t floss, he keeps the toilet seat up, and he always sits when he pees. Yes, he cannot pee standing up.“
And when the media was already giving up on the entire battle of Tushar vs. Emraan, this happened. Emraan Hashmi has signed an endorsement deal for Raja Khaini (that should take his breathe away – so said Esha Deol). Tushaar got his nerves back, calmed down and made a smart move to appear on Aastha Channel doing Kapal Bharati with Baba Ramdev. But failing to match the agility of Baba, he was kicked out of this show as well. Rejection also hit Emraan Hashmi when he was accused of breach of contract by the manufacturers of Raja Khaini, as he refused to put his dose of Khaini before his scene was being shot. Both ‘actors’ are now believed to be busy preparing for TOEFL exams as they are planning to pursue higher studies in the (f)art of filmmaking.
What happens next in this episode of the battle between Emraan and Tushar, will only be known when the time comes. Until then, stick around for some more gooey stuff on the News Fart.
Until then, this is Correspondent OKS signing off.