OH MAGADHEERA! Thy canvas is so large, so bright and so beautiful. I give in to your might and surrender myself and my senses too. Painted in testosterene, and splashed with everything that is majestic, masculine, and mind-fraking, Magadheera – you blow me away. Quite literally. Every. Single. Time.

Just as I sat down to the starting credits of Magadheera, the brief teasing images over the sounds of clashing swords and the voice of a warrior screaming Bhairava, leaves me with an intense feeling of anticipation. The sense of urgency, and the curiosity to see events unfold grips you completely. And this is what exactly keeps me glued through the entire length of the movie even though, the pace isn’t as steady.

To begin with Princess Mithravinda and our warrior Kala Bhairava are injured badly and almost breathing their last. But not done yet until they some love. And then gravity strikes, but Kala Bhairava flings himself with a launch velocity. Coupled with an intelligent lift-drag air-resistance formula, Kala Bhairava cleverly defies laws of physics to get closer to Mithra. But not quite close..sigh!

Flash forward to 400 years now, and our warrior has turned into a dude who wears Ferrari shoes and races bikes for a living. Yes, this is a world where our dude is tormented by chupudhee chapadhee Mumait Khan who hides her earnings in her supposed cholee. And to retrieve it, an item number must follow with special nods to a CGI edited papa Chiranjeevi. Oh, and before that, Mumait Khan gives a boobie shockwave which turns everyone into stone. Not kidding! And this my friend is only the first 15 minutes of the movie. Phew! You just get to sense a teaser of the possibilities of the remaining parts of the movie and how this could actually be the inspiration behind Scott Pilgrim – An Epic of Epic Epicness. Yes, that pretty much sums it up quite right.

Whoa. Let’s explore the remaining 150 minutes with the infinte screencaps below. Keep up with me, and don’t get lost, but do feel free to lose yourself in the beauty of Magadheera. WARNING:  Long Post.

Item number done. Whistles blown. Hero now approaches his destiny on a rainy day where a mere touch with his ‘bandee’ – Indu, generates electricity of the fluorescent kind. Now there’s a lot of flirting going on here. And instead of me getting annoyed at Indu, I just keep convincing myself – this is for the greater good innit. The greater good of keeping me waiting as my neurons get fried over silly incidents – such as Indu falling in love when she sees the dude beat the shit out of rowdy eveteasers. The ‘confusion’ game continues until the dude cleverly decodes it by another ‘conduction’ incident. What we as audiences are left is to watch another awesome song to unleash which sports lyrics such as – The rain can touch you and so can the light, then why this indifference with me.

Add to that, some metaphoric splitting of water streams, and we have already covered all aspects of physics – from gravity, air drag and lift to fluid mechanics. And add some beautiful dusk shots, what’s there not to love.

But whilst the dude is still wondering why this conduction electricity keeps occuring [ and possibly very concerned about how he's gonna make love ], Indu’s Appa makes a deadly entry, just to be completely pwned by a super throat-choking dude move.

And oh BTW, the villain guy – Billa is ever horny and is also quite good in calculating projectile ranges in javelin. This movie is turning out to be so much more educational than I expected. Billa kills anyone at will, and is a rich royal dude [ going by his blue Sherwani and lovely turban ]. But he is very superstitious and keep visiting that Aghora Baba who educates him of the reincarnation theory. This leaves him no options but to lust over Indu. But what he doesn’t know is that Kala Bhairava, even in a plasma state, won’t let him do THAT.

Conspiracy theory kicks in, and silly Indu falls for it. Villain and Hero fight, cars explode, choppers appear with Rajputana aviation painted on them, and the prophecy comes alive – the birds shall fly away, the bright Sun shall turn Black, and the dude shall appeareth like a volcano. And so he does.

And with a sequence involving helicopter hanging, the dude tries to impress Indu. But yet again, the conduction electricity and gravity lets our dude down [ literally ]. Now he’s freefalling at 9.81m/s2 and simultaneously getting flashbacks from his distant past. And from that great height he could have been crushed, but he’s saved fortunately by the buoyancy and density of water. Phew!

And one of the best Intermissions EVER hits us right in the face… and all I can do is exclaim – OMFG!!! This is bloody exhausting. And the awesomeness doesn’t seem to stop. Rather, the GAME has just begun.

We’re back from the Intermission just to be rewinded centuries back and we can see the Eastmancolor version of the dude’s Sepia toned hallucinations that he has as an affect of those conduction shocks. So there’s the prophecy of the aligning planets causing trouble and some Babar-esque emperor Sher Khan trying to invade Udaigarh.

And amongst this, there is a Buzkashi like competiton between our dude, who is now called Kala Bhairava [ whatta cool name ] and the C-i-C Billa [ Jo Apna Mooh Nahi Rakhta Khulla ].

Some breathtaking action scenes in a white desert near Udaipur or in Ramoji Film city with a Quick Sand gulping down people and carts, adrenaline levels are surely very high. Gandalf’s Shadowfax can retire now as Badshah saves the day. And by the rules of filmi-politics, Kala Bhairava wins the race, the crown princess before a colosseum filled with CGI cloned people. And shame shame for Billa.

Time for a mindnumbingly beautiful song replete with percussions, metaphors, and flowing garments. How can I stop loving thee. The aerial shots and the sheer scale of the poor CGI effects impress me. Ashutosh Gowariker has a lot of things to learn.

But the Royal Purohit reminds us of the danger that is knocking on the door. The planetary alignment needs to be dealt with and hence, the princess and the bunch of royal dudes and dudettes along with Kala Bhairava and the Purohit head to the place where the Puja is to be held. Now look at that huge idol of Lord Shiva – how magnificiently grand is that! And this is where the Princess decides to let her emotions take over. But not for long, coz Billa aided by Sher Khan are here to interrupt.  And naughty Billa wants the Princess to give him a lapdance. Very wrong Billa, you’re gonna be so screwed…twice. So, let the games begin and the bodycount too.

Our dude proves time and again why he is from the Bhairava clan by slicing, dicing and gliding over the Shaitan ki Fauj who IMHO resemble the orks minus the bad teeth. Kala Bhairava even takes a sort of an Avatar of Lord Shiva (?) with all the multi-arm and multi-weaponry. You have to see it to believe it man!

Long story short – Sher Khan is impressed, but he has given his word to Billa. So Billa takes over..sorta..only to be totally pwned by our dude Bhairava. But before getting destructed, Billa stabs Monica Seles…I mean Mithravinda. Bhairava is not happy, so have a look what he does. A very serious observation here is that the blood splat count here is more than the battle between the Persians and the Spartans – don’t you think?

And now, we are back to the scene 1 of the movie – rememeber – gravity, air drag and lift and sky-diving in Crouching Tiger style – which means its end of flashback. And we are back to the present. Our dude has regained consciousness and finds himself in the jaal of Soloman, who is a reincarnation of Sher Khan. WHOA!!! Kya idea hai Sirjee

Soloman is a fisherman, who wears only Satin shiny Violet shirts, believes in the Dawaa of the Bottle, and also hires Kim Sharma for an Item Number, featuring Daler Mehndi on the vocals. Zara Bol pe dhyan dijiye – Zorse Zorse..Zoorse Zorse

Now our dude is under the influence of alcohol, and so he hallucinates Kim Sharma as Indu or his Mithra. So he didn’t really cross the line of morality by splashing water at her and sliding that broken bottle all over her.

And just before the dance completes, Solomon offers the dude his Karizma, and the roadie dude rides the bike, walks through the desert to finally reach the palace where Mithra/ Indu is staying along with Billa [ by this time I have forgotten his present name]. Now there’s a lot of stuff happening here, but let’s just cut to the climax .

The mission is to make Indu realise about her previous incarnation – and so Bhairava brings her to the same spot from where she fell. Kinda smart you see, the whole story wraps up nicely at the same spot. But not that easily. There are explosions, more Bhairava vs. Billa action, and some actions which will give Die Hard 4.0 a run for its money. But you know what happens in the end right.. right!!! Oh yeah, there is an awesome flashback of the kickass killing of Billa 400 years back.

I know this has been sort of a narrative accompanied by spoiler screenshots. But that is exactly the whole point. I just wanted the unveil the beauty of Magadheera to everyone through this, and possibly set the mood for how you should enjoy it in the most possible away. What I enjoyed most about the movie is its unashamed sense of fun and entertainment. Everyone involved in the movie knows it, and this is what has been missing from all of the Bollywood movies. Magadheera is exactly what Salman Khan would’ve dreamt of Veer to look like. Instead, Veer takes itself too seriously and ends up right where it is – in the crap disposal bin.

I am sure of Ram Charan’s rise to superstardom must have been easy-peasy after the release of Magadheera. And you can tell. He is in the zone – with the swords and spears as well as the sweet and corny routine of song and dance. Right now, from the top of my head, I cannot think of anyone from Bollywood who’d be able to do this in a Hindi adaptation. And seriously, I cannot even think of an able director for such a magnum opus.

Ashutosh Gowariker ? He’ll possibly take 2 years to research it and make it another history lesson starring Hrithik Roshan and Aishwarya Rai. And the audience will clap when Ash falls from the clip and then pray that she never gets reborn.

Sanjay Leela Bhansali? He’ll pay extra details on the palatial decorations and painstakingly sit for days and months with Nitin Desai and Neeta Lulla for the dress design. Salman Khan would play Bhairava and Jackie Shroff with eyeliners would be Sher Khan. You see where I’m going. For the role of Indu, Salman would pick a lookalike of his latest girlfriend – whoever it’ll be after Katrina.

Anywho, before this turns into a mindless ramble, let’s wrap things up. I’d like you to go straight away and buy, borrow, steal the DVD/ Blu Ray if you haven’t seen this. Trust me on this one.

To conclude, I’d just say, if this is what Telegu cinema promises, then Bollywood should just sit down and learn.

**Kati Patang**

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Where do I begin? Kites is a sick and lame movie. Howzat! I have some other adjectives to add – like old-fashioned, insanely consumerist, mind-numbingly illiterate and utterly unnecessary.I’ll explain why.
The formula goes like this – You take a Romeo-Juliet-esque love story, add a materialistic twist to it, spicen up with locales like Las Vegas, Mexico, Grand Canyon and some underwater sequences. And finally, don’t forget it’s aimed to be a peppy international-flavoured movie – so lotsa bikini, screen scorching action scenes, a few smooches. But our ‘Dil’ is still Hindustani, so sex is a no no. Yes, our leads are passionately in love with each other. They are so much in love that they can give up the world’s dhan daulat, and even get violent if provoked. But after all this struggle, when they finally get to spend a minute or two together, they’d rather chat, dance in the rain or make shadow rabbits. I don’t understand how Linda (Barbara Mori) dreams of having kids with Jay (Hrithik Roshan) or does Anurag Basu want us to understand and kindly adjust ? If he does, I say it is a wrong bargain. At least that could have made the movie a bit worth watching.

Now I’ll try to explain the adjectives in details.

1. Old-Fashioned:
Papa Roshan fails to realise that it is not year 2000 anymore that we’ll be impressed by Kaho Naa Pyar Hai’s “Ek Pal Ka Jeena”. Hrithik needs to learn few more moves and stop the ones that he’s been practising since his 5th standard’s parents day function. The introductory few minutes about Jay and his life in Vegas almost sound like a lame-ass launch vehicle as if Hrithik is making his debut again. Check this out – Our dude makes a living out of marrying immigrants for Green Card, but he’s a kick-ass dancer you see. So we get a glimpse of “Step Up” – C’mon Hrithik has to dance. There’s the Coke Ad move, the Thump move, and some B-boying not-so-cleverly dummied. And casino honcho Kabir Bedi’s ‘eklauti beti’ Kangna Ranaut falls for apna dude. And by fall I mean, seriously girl, where’s thy self-respect? Ok, she’s supposed to be mental and Kangna plays that very well, right? Now in a lusty turn of events, Jay meets Linda aka Natasha as his sister-in-law. [Naughty Indian men, even foreign ones, are always after their *cough* Savita *cough*..Bhabhis].So all of that is summed up by just one word – Old-Fashioned.

2. Insanely consumerist.
Have a look at that first hour or so of the movie. I am not exaggerating any bit. It looks like a prolonged advert of Provogue/ John Players [ brands which Hrithik endorses ]. Hrithik looks like he’s had a Dhoom 2 hangover. The yacht, the champagne, the Samsung mobile phones, the casino shimmery lights, the bikes and the cars – all are so essential to the plot, hai na?

3. Mind-Numbingly Illiterate.
I hereby denounce this movie as illiterate and prescribe Hrithik, Barbara and Anurag to be straight away enrolled under the Rashtriya Saksharta Mission [ National Literacy Mission ]. Confused? Well, Hrithik speaks Hindi when he is threatening a firang goon who is hung upside down. Such grown up people make jokes like “Main Ullu Ki Patthi Hu” and “I’ve wet my pants”.

4. Utterly Unnecessary.
I think if I had to choose one adjective this would be the one. Right from the supposedly emotional sequences where the characters need to emote, it is replaced by tediously snail-paced scenes. The action sequences which were publicised to the most possible extent are just uncalled for and appear repetitive. Some sequences which have been lifted straight away from Bad Boys 2 are just lame and overdone.
Let me start again. Our dude falls in love with the Bhabhi, and runs away. Bhabhi-jaan’s husband hunts them down and so does bounty hunters and sheriffs. And all of it makes it to the TV News stations. [ America also has their own versions of Aaj Tak and India TV ]. Now there’s some serious shit happening. Guns fired, cars exchanged, cars blasted, roof chase sequences, trains stoppping, trains running and some more cars flipping and blasting with glass panes crashing faster than you can blink. Oh yeah, there’s hot air balloons as well. There’s a sequence in red, in blue and in the sun. Sad scenes are shot in slo-mo and there is a fight sequence in slo-mo too [ Very Matrix-esque]. But all of it makes me think – what’s the fucking point?

Hrithik Roshan’s best so far remains his cameo in Luck By Chance, and that still holds good. Kites does nothing for him except for making all those tween girls scream on his bendy moves. Barbara Mori is beautiful and she reminds me of Naomi Watts when she smiles. And if anyone starts talking about their chemistry yet again, I’d say yeah – like Tarzan and Jane. In fact, a few scenes were very much like Tarzan and Jane – you know, bare chested dude with the Latino Lady in Bikinis speaking in sign language.

Everybody else in the cast inlcuding Kangna Ranaut and Kabir Bedi seemed to have been written by a script writer on an internship program.

Kites is a tragedy which could have been simply told and wonderfully executed. Instead, the director’s decision to make it a love tragedy on steroids is completely unnecessary. The music of the movie does nothing to save it, and barring one song -KK’s fluid vocals on Intezar, everything else is mediocre at best. I’d like to specifically mention the Hrithik Roshan title track – it sounds so damn amateurish.

Kites is just a bloated publicity stunt from FilmKraft riding on Reliance’s hump. All in the name of excellent production value, what you get is a hollow product. It is neither a commercially entertaining movie, nor a movie with something to think about. It is a flawed product from top to bottom just polished on the surface. I still fail to realise the metaphor behind the title name which would in some way relate with the basic theme of the movie. How many times did you spot a Kite flying during the movie except for the beginning few minutes. I cannot resist saying this, so here it goes – Kites – It never takes off.

Watch it to see how Titanic sank.

P.S. Headline tag courtesy Praxy.

This idea germinated in my wicked brain when I read a post on io9 discussing the new faces who are supposedly going to be the successors of the Sigourney Weaver throne of Action Girl. So we have had Angelina Jolie, Uma Thurman and Mila Jovovich who are the alumni of the ‘League of Action Queens’, but it made me wonder if we did have any such ladies to flaunt in Bollywood. The answer is not so surprising. It is a big NO. I get it. We Indians are not very violent by nature, and the ladies are far away from it. I know, we occassionally find ladies learning and practicing martial arts in some movies, but that is about it. I don’t see a remote possibility of a Rani Mukherjee or Katrina Kaif doing a double flip, wearing a body suit and gunning down 25 gunmen with an Uzi while she casually chews on her gum. Of course, we saw a bit of that with Deepika Padukone in CC2C, but we all know what happened to that.

And yes, although I do miss this void that Bollywood has, I do think that Bollywood leading ladies are Kick-Ass in their own way. ‘Inki Alag hi Baat Hai’. I do accept that Bollywood leading ladies have come a long way from being the ever demanding damsel in distress, to the companion of the Hero’s plans, to even being completely kick-ass in a very independent way. And after intense brainstorming over my cup of capuccino, I have narrowed down to the following 10. These are imo, the Kick-Ass Bollywood Ladies. Some are indeed very femme fatale, while others are more domestic ["gharelu"], but even so, they all kick some good desi buttocks.

In no particular order:

Zeenat Aman – Roma – Don

I believe she is a template for every Kickass Bollywood leading lady. After all she has the ‘Pratishod ki Jwala’ [ The Volcano of Vengeance, ha! it sounds even more fun in English] in her. She is trained in Martial Arts, Gun Fight, and she has a plan in mind with a set goal – Kill DON. And above all, she does not hesitate to kick ass. Compared to this, Priyanka Chopra did get her ass kicked.

Sridevi-Seema-Mr India

Long before Barkha Dutt became the nations “Leading” journalist, Seema  showed what it takes to commit to the job. Working for a daily newspaper with an Editor who gets wrong numbers [ ha! the 80s], Seema is so committed to getting the headlines material, that she gambles her own life to go to the villains den, dress as a Hawaiian dancer dressed in shimmering gold and almost escaping being lashed. Phew! And this was way before ‘Breaking News’ existed.

Madhuri Dixit – Saraswati – Beta

I am a Madhuri Bhakt[devotee]. And this movie was the one which made me a Bhakt. Ever seen a movie which totally reverses what the filmmaker intended to. Indra Kumar’s Beta has Anil Kapoor as ‘the Beta’ and Madhuri as the Bahu. But trust me on this, after you watch this movie, you’ll soon realise why it actually needs to be renamed as ‘Bahu’. Madhuri effortlessly kicks Sasu-maas ass with her endless counter attacks to Sasu-maa Aruna Irani’s Soutela Witchcraft, I mean evil plans.

Hema Malini – Geeta -Seeta Aur Geeta

You know why it is here. So, dobara mat poochna. Just watch this video and also this one and show some respect!

Sridevi-Manju-Chaalbaaz

I know it is (very) similar to Hema jee’s Geeta. But c’mon. Did you think that I would not include Manju from the Kick-Ass list. Never before in the whole wide world, has anyone been so amazingly daarubaaz, chaalbaaz and romance Rajnikanth at the same time. Add to that,  she dances in the rain, the disco and has an awesome sense of make up. Manju deserves to be here, and she is not going anywhere. Period!

Hema Malini-Basanti – Sholay

This one’s obvious. She is an independent soul. She makes her own living in a remote town called Ramgarh, where the average women help their bread-earner men by making them Roti and Sabzee. She even has her financial plan ready[Belapur ka 2 Rupya, Ramgarh ka Dedh Rupa remember], wants to learn how to shoot a gun [ well, hold a gun at leaast]. And dude, did you just hear how much she can talk? If Gabbar would have been a good listener, she would’ve kill ‘em all.

Rekha- Aarti – Khoon Bhari Maang

Now, if we are talking about proper Femme Fatale types, this is THE ONE. I have very vivid memories of Khoon Bhari Maang, and specially geeking out at the Plastic Surgery scene when the skin from the thigh was taken and pasted on the face. [I'll rant about that in a future post]. But here’s why she is kick ass. She is a vulnerable single mother who survives a friggin Crocodile incident. In any book, that is bloody huge. And just like Roma, her “Volcano of Vengeance” drives her to stay away from her own kids, get a facial transformation and kick the Bewafa Sanam’s ass.

Rekha-Manju-Khubsoorat

You’re already quite aware about my love for Khubsoorat, and I know I cannot postpone writing about the movie for long now. But for now, yet another snippet of my love for Manju [yet another Manju on this list ]. Manju is the epitome of “independence”. The song “Kaayda Todke Socho Ek Din” speaks it all. And yes, Rekha sang it herself. She’s not a rebel, but not a meek, gharelu behenji types either. Manju knows how to have fun. She’s a brilliant PR person who knows the means of effective communication and is also excellent at taking risks – well not as risky as gambling with her own life. But when someone like Dina Pathak is the disciplinarian, gambling for an in-house stage show is a big gamble in its own way. And for all that, I believe Manju is ekdum Bindass and Kickass [ say it in a rhyming fashion for maximum delight and effect]

Kareena Kapoor-Geet – Jab We Met

I know this list has now gone from the utterly dangerous and femme fatale types to the independent types. But Jab We Met’s Geet is one of the few leading lady characters which reminded me of Manju. Geet, as Shahid truly points out, is - Ek Hi Piece. Tumhe Dekhne Ke Liye Ticket Lagna Chahiye Her childish innocence coupled with the wicked gleam in her eyes make her one of my most beloved leading ladies. But why is she featured as kickass. C’mon dude. She is a Jattni  and granddaughter of Daara Singh,the Great. She is infectiously optimistic [at least the first half] and you can’t match her instantaneous replies. To quote the great Geet – Tum Chaho Bhi to Rape Nahi Kar Sakte [ Even if you want to, you can't rape me ] Geet- Tussi Great Ho!

And finally,..drumroll please..

Babli – Bunty aur Babli

We all love the effervescent Rani. And this is ONE BIG BOTTLE filled to the brim with Rani magic. Don’t you think so? C’mon, she looted a whole mall for fuck sake. Yeah, yeah! Half of it is Bunty aka Rakesh’s idea too. But where would Bunty be without Babli? And let’s not forget the -Sell the Taj Mahal hoax. Babli is simply brilliant. After all, it does show if you are Puneet ‘Duryodhan’ Issar’s beti

So that is my List of the the Kickass Bollywood Ladies. I know I haven’t included the likes of Helen in many a dangerous roles or Parveen Babi, Bindiya Goswami or Neetu Singh. Also, the exclusion of the Bandit Queen or Hunterwali are simply because of my non-familiarity with them. Can you think of other kickass leading ladies of Bollywood? Jump to the comments section and shout it out NOW!!!

P.S. I might be suffering from non-regularitis on OKS because of my scheduled holiday to India during May. I will try my best to blog, but nothing is certain. But I’ll definitely try to catch up with all you guys once I am back. Cheerio!

Image Courtesy: Beth, BollyWood Deewana, PPCC and Memsaab

Now this is a first. The power of social networking and the Web 2.0 is taking Bollywood by storm- with celebrities tweeting and movie publicities and marketing campaigns running through Facebook pages. But the new Studio 18 movie – Striker takes it to a whole another level.

The movie premieres on Feb 5th in India in theatres. But, the worldwide release will be on YouTube. As far as my knowledge goes, this is a first for a major Bollywood production, and apart from Sundance indies, we haven’t seen anything like this before even from Hollywood. Except for the US [where viewing the movie will cost 5$], viewing this movie on YouTube will be free [MUFT MUFT MUFT]

The movie will be screened here [ Studio 18's YouTube channel ]. There is a lot more on the channel – from exclusive footage of making of the movie, to Siddharth – the lead actor giving us reasons to watch the movie. There’s more to it – they have an iPhone app – a Striker version of the carrom game Now that’s another first.

So, what’s this #strikerwatchalong?

All across the world, awesome Bolly lovahs are coming together to watch this movie simultaneously, on Feb 7th, 6pm GMT and will also be group-chatting about the same on Google wave. Exciting stuff indeed.

The idea of the group chat wave for #StrikerWatchAlong was initiated by Beth and thanks to her, there are already 24 people who have joined the Wave, and still counting. It’s so awesome to see people from Abhu Dhabi to Australia to Dubai to London to Chicago to Germany.. you get it.

And if you feel like joining, just add your Google wave ID in the comments section below.

See you on the 7th awesome peeps.

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Some stuff about #StrikerWatchAlong on Beth’s blog.

Striker watchalong.

Update on Striker watchalong

First post of the decade. And we are looking back at the 80′s. No not the 90′s or the Noughties, but the 80′s. Coz that was when I was born. I AM a child of the 80′s.

Right, so I just got one big affirmative answer to the question of how many people love the Bollywood of 80′s. The answer of course is a Big-Ass YES!! I did this post on one of my most favourite cinema blogs called PassionForCinema.com [Please read the post if you haven't. It's titled : Essential Eighties -Tezaab (1988) ]. The post was a tribute to one of the milestone movies of the 80′s and most importantly the one that launched Madhuri Dixit to her Dancing Diva status – Tezaab. Much of that has already been discussed on the post, but more than that people have commented at length about how much they loved the 80′s[and the music associated with them]. I am absolutely thrilled to see the amount of fundoo trivia knowledge that these people have, and it makes me feel very happy to be in their company. While I will be discussing more on Tezaab in a follow up post on PFC, here I am continuing my ‘Khujlee’ on my long-forgotten Say What section. And this time, it is Tezaab ki baari.

Now be warned. This post contains language which could be too colourful for your taste.
And yes, spoilers if you haven’t watched the movie yet. [Never thought I would say that for a 1988 movie]

So, the Kahani begins like this. Shyamlal[Anupam Kher] pours Acid on plants. His daughter Mohini sings Ek Do Teen to make money. Shyamlal owes money to Lotiya Pathan. Lotiya Pathan kidnaps Mohini. Mohini’s lover – Munna is on a Tadipaar.. out of Bombay. But he’s still good at heart. He is the typical 80′s ka dude – much like Robin Hood – Less on personal hygiene, more on sympathy. And yeah! Kick the arse of villains with funny names – like Mukut Bihari. If villains in today’s era in Mumbai had such names, first of all they would have to deal with MNS and Shiv Sena

But Munna’s sister sends him an 80′s version of twitter message that Mohini is kidnapped.

And so Munna breaks the law [ yeah ..Judas Priest yeah \m/ ] and enters Bombay [yes Bombay, not Mumbai].
Meanwhile, Bombay Border Force Inspector Gagan (Suresh Oberoi) gets report of Munna’s illegal entry from the report.

Inspector Gagan stops him, and asks him why he got transformed from Mahesh Deshmukh to Tadipaar Munna.

FLASHBACK: Munna – during his Mahesh Deshmukh days. Proud to be the first in Navy Cadet Cup

Appa keeps his promise and gives money to Munna for a Tobu cycle Munna goes out happily to buy cycle when bank lootere enter.

But Appa and Amma are also very much ‘usoolo ke pakke’.. So they get gunned down by the maniac bank lootere .. in a spine chilling Bank robbery scene.. very Nolan-esque.. NOT!

Munna now attends college religiously so that he can become a Navy Admiral. So he scores highest .. in Psychology. The ladies are all over him.

Munna is also very analytical about his ‘Ladki Patao Formulae’

And his gang is very Bollywood Aware.

Not only that, they sing a RK films classic – Sun Sahiba Sun in a canteen whilst pwning a Marwari Seth

But Munna wants Mohini. And Nikita… wants Munna.

And Mohini…

And finally, the jodi after “huge leaps” and no broken bones, end up together..

But Shyamlal and Lotiya Pathan mess up Munna’s life. Lotiya’s bro attempts to rape Jyoti, Munna’s sister, and Munna trying to rescue his sis, kills Lotiya’s bro. Munna is imprisoned [WTF???]

Now a lot of stuff happen during this period. Munna gets out. Guldasta gets involved. Munna gets wrongly accused again, and hence sent out of Bombay as a Tadipaar. And then Mohini kidnapped.

Flashback ENDS:

Munna sets a deal with Shyamlal. Munna rescues Mohini from Lotiya. And Munna, Baban and his gang sing “So Gaya Ye Jahaa” in Nitin Mukesh’s Surili Aawaz, while Shabbir playbacks Anil Kapoor and Anuradha Paudwal playbacks Madhuri Dixit.

Munna pretends to hate Mohini. Coz he wants her to be safe. Madhuri easily believes him. But Guldasta comes back and saves the day. Meanwhile, in a courtroom, Munna’s accusations get annulled. Aaah, what would Bollywood do without them… I mean courtrooms.

But wait, before all of that. Lotiya returns. And Baban wouldn’t let him touch Munna.

But oh noes, Lotiya is a badass.

Lotiya kills Baban, but allows Munna to have an emotional scene with him. And then Inspector Gagan comes in. Gives an awe-inspiring speech. And wants to see Man-On-Man action.

So it’s Munna vs. Lotiya.

But Lotiya screams out loud.

Lekin dekho kya ho gaya!! [But see what happened!!]

Some awesome editing in the fight scene. But as soon as Lotiya dies, the editor saahib said – Bas, bahut ho gaya ye nautanki. Seedha ……The End. Kinda like an 80′s signature climax. Abrupt and Yakayak..Achanak!!

All of the estimated $ 300 million spent, all the hype and publicity and the anticipation -It all boils down to the 2hours 40 minutes spent in the dark IMAX auditorium with my 3D spectacles on. And James Cameron shows why (as he quite rightly shouted out loud in his Oscar winning speech) he is indeed the King of the World. I cannot think of any other movie which created so much buzz and excitement around it. And does it live up to all of it. It so well does. Avatar is a revolutionary piece of cinema. But apart from the technological breakthrough in its imagery, the story telling by Master Cameron and its smart comparison with contemporary geo-political situations is what makes Avatar one of the best Blockbusting, Mind-Blowing, Heart-Wrenching and Eye-Popping spectaculars.

I watched Avatar on Saturday morning with a packed audience in BFI IMAX in true 3D glory. And it was exactly how the filmmaker intended it to be savoured as. And as Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) narrates his story, we get sucked in by the heights and depths of Pandora. The space-floating scene is exceptionally well shot, and it made me feel weightless. Now I can talk and keep on talking about how awesome this movie was. But to begin with, let me tell you that there are some bloody cynical and miserable people in this world, who were wowed by the visuals of the movie [I am talking about that reviewer Larushka Ivan-Zandeh in Friday's Metro paper: ]. But the story failed to impress her and she simply sums it to be an age-old “Save The Rainforest” tale. So to reply to her, Larushka darling, it might be age-old tale for you, but there is no bigger contemporary problem facing we the citizens of earth than the global condition. Just look around and see how the global leaders at Copenhagen have finally reached at a “conclusion” by merely postponing events for next year. Avatar beautifully depicts the relation between the natural life cycle and how its disruption could be fatal for the entire population. And when you say that it is a “Save A Rainforest” tale, you actually make yourself sound like the corporate asshole Parker Selfridge (Giovanni Ribisi) who thinks it is just a mere tree out of the 12th power of 10 species in Pandora. Of course, everyone is entitled to his/her opinion. But yours, just plain sucks.

Moving on, I must say that Mr JC has indeed done the best job by waiting for the technology to catch up to suit his vision.The wait has been worth it, and the flora and fauna surrounding Pandora; each leaf of a new species and each growl of a new creature is awe-inspring. We travel across Pandora with the same fascination in our eyes as Jake Sully’s and Neytiri’s command and strong character makes us forget the fact that it is all motion-capture. And if the Na’vi do not fail to impress us, the humans are not far behind. Sigourney Weaver as Dr.Grace is spot on, and as mentioned previously, Parker Selfridge exudes corporate hunger for profit. As for heavily scarred Colonel Miles( Stephen Lang), he is a caricature model built around GW Bush (IMO) who believes in “dealing terror with terror”. To envelope all of this awesomeness in one big awesome package and deal with the geo-political issues in a sci-fi drama with a cinematic vision never seen before deserves everything -ABSO-EFFIN-LUTELY EVERYTHING.All the Oscars, the Golden Globes and even the Filmfare

James Horner’s score for the movie was spell binding and it captures the ambience, the beauty and also the dangerous wild side of Pandora. As for Maestro James Cameron, the man’s still got it. The action sequence is a complete How-To document on shooting a huge-ass action choreography, on celluloid. The man shows off his experience and why he remains not only the master of Action – True Lies, Aliens and Terminator, but also the Master in the art of story telling. *Bows to JC*

And yes, unlike some people who believe it is not a classic, I definitely believe otherwise. It is a game changer. Just like the first time we saw the T-Rex on the big screen, or Darth Vader use the Force, or Gimli and Legolas fight Orks, Avatar will be counted as one of the most revolutionary movies of our times. Few years on from now, we’ll remember Christmas 2009 to be the time when Avatar changed the face of cinema.
If you haven’t seen it yet, go and watch it, and make sure you watch it in 3D. You can thank me later.And now I can proudly declare myself as the member of the Avatar Fan Clan. I’ll leave you with some Bloody Awesome image captures from the Trailer. Hail Avatar! Hail Cameron!!

**SCREENSHOTS -VISUAL Nom Noms**

Big Ass War Machine

Na'vi Rebellion

Marines in Pandora

Na'vi Strikes

Corporate Dumbos

Neytiri Shoots

Marines assemble

Glowing Love in Pandora

Neytiri

Na'vi Rise

Jake Sully becomes the Avatar

Me at BFI Imax

My education of Korean cinema is limited to Chan Wook Park’s Vengeance trilogy [ Read my review of the Vengeance trilogy]. Of course, besides that K-movies are known worldwide for their indulgence with romance and rom-coms. However, director Shin-yeon Won’s crime thriller ‘Seven Days’ starring Kim Yunjin [ of Lost fame ] is a gloomy and dark tale revealed in a who-dunnit fashion. But the after effect of the movie is more thought provoking. And that is where Seven Days scores. It is a movie beyond the 125 minutes that it plays. Yes it is a relatively long movie, but the tension never loses grip and when the climax hits you, you leave still trying to fit together the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle.

The movie begins with criminal lawyer Yu Ji-yeon’s daughter getting kidnapped. The ransom demanded by the kidnapper is to defend and prove a rapist-murderer as innocent within the next seven days. The only ally that she gets is a cop friend while the murder victim’s mother and a corrupt would-be politician want the murderer to be executed. What follows next is a mind-boggling list of puzzles being revealed clue after clue as the body count keeps increasing. And wait till the end when you get the mother of all twists (pun intended, to understand it, watch the flick)

So what did I like about the movie?

A list of many things. Kim Yunjin playing the desperate mother trying to compose herself proffessionally to achieve what has been asked of her to deliver is really painful. The desperation of a mother to keep her daughter alive by proving a criminal as innocent gets a bit too far fetched. And you start questioning about why did it take so long for the loophole in the legal system to be revealed. I guess the judge wasn’t conversant enough. But ignoring that minor loophole, the rest of the movie is a roller coaster ride.

The title credits reminded me of Se7en and even CSI. Skin scraped and supervised under UV light, stitches and autopsy, finger-prints and of course dried blood on skin. This movie does not hold back at all. So if you are easily disturbed by such visuals, do have someone to assist you. But again, this is no Saw. The cinematography is a treat to watch and the snazzy editing makes the narrative absolutely crispy.

At the end of it, you do try to question the rationality of all the pain and toil of the kidnapping [ A plot point which I am not going to reveal ]. It is a genre-bound thriller nonetheless which retains its charm and positive tone [ unlike Se7en's climax] through the radiant charisma of Kim. She effortlessly carries the film on her shoulders and actually made the film more worthwhile. Not to forget the consistently performing supporting cast of the victim’s mother and the murderer himself. So if you expect a slick Aisan thriller, Seven Days is clever and yet sometimes dumb, but definitely entertaining cinema. Do watch it, at least for Kim Yun-jin.

Special Mention: ShoutOut @Nicki of ApunBindaas who gifted me this DVD.

Hollywood summer blockbusters have been following a particular trend year after year after year. And that is of the high budget popcorn entertainers solely driven by, and reliant on a hyperkinetic style of octane-exploding, fast-cutting, eye popping soul-less and plotless bag of shit. And amongst those farted by the likes of Michael Bay, we get an awesome sci-fi flick which has almost no known names associated except for producer Peter Jackson. District 9 surprised me, amazed me and held me by the collar pulling me straight towards the screen and enthralled me by the magic that we once called cinema. It has redefined the art of storytelling. If I was to compare the levels at which the movie connects, I would mention movie marvels such as City of God, Black Hawk Down and ET. As @leesargent from QYDJ tweeted me once, it is indeed different shades of awesome. And here’s why!

Pssst.***May contain spoilers.***
But, if you haven’t seen this movie, drop anything you’re doing right now and go watch it.

1. Flash Flash Flash!

D9 has the flashy techniques and the jittery camera moves too. But it jumps from one medium to another in a very smooth fashion that you feel included as an active member to the story. Blended perfectly with news footage, corporate promotional video and mockumentary styled filming, it presents the enormity of the entire plot and how people are affected by it. The entire environment is recreated to produce a parallel reality which comes so extremely close to being real.

2. No more America – its Johannesberg

District 9 tells the tale of modern day Johannesberg, 20 years after aliens made first contact. And here’s one of the major reasons I loved this. The canvas chosen for the tale is not Manhattan or the city of the Golden Gate neither has it monuments like the Eiffel Tower (Thank God! How many more times are they gonna bring down that tower!). It is set right in the heart of Johannesberg, a city which embraces skyscrapers as well as the slums.

3. MNU

A shady private global corporation which handles the relocation of the aliens from District 9 to a distant slum area called District 10. No more interference appreciated from FBI, CIA, Interpol, LAPD, NYPD, Jack Bauer et al. Thank you.

4. Wikus

Wikus van der Merwe (Sharlto Copley) is a self-satisfied manager working for the MNU, assigned with the task of the alien transfer. His transformation from the nervous and guileless office guy to prawn to action hero is absolutely believable and very sad too. He is not a lead role material. Yet he effortlessly makes us root for him. He initially delights in referring to the insectoid creatures as prawns, fooling them to sign eviction notices, cheerfully burning alien foetuses. But a mysterious fluid accident turns him into a prawn part by part. All of a sudden, he is the centre of attraction for MNU who want to use him as the sole survivor of the DNA balance between human and ‘prawns’. What follows next is the most relentless, spectacle-filled and blood-splattering chase of Wikus’ struggle to keep himself alive. He is badass brilliant and yes, even though he started as a silly lead, by the end of it, you do give a damn.

5. Effin Prawns.

Apart from the awesomely created exoskeleton which in every single frame captured my attention, the prawns were not as costly and glittering as the Transformers, but were absolutely Kickass. And yes, they’ve got the Guns which can only be triggered by them.

Some questions remained unanswered such as:
What is the connection between Cat-Food and the Prawns?
What is the language they speak, and how is Wikus conversant in it? (30 years is a long time though)
Out of 1.8 million prawns, were there only two [ the father and the son] who were intelligent enough to think of flying home?

6. Human Nature

District 9 displays human nature on various levels. The prawns are viewed contemptously and as a source of advanced weaponry. Corporates are greedy bastards who don’t even blink when it comes to profitmaking. And so, once Wikus starts transforming into a prawn, he is readily been agreed by his own father-in-law to be treated as a guinea pig. The apartheid metaphor conveyed by means of the alien situation is freakishly hard hitting. The question is – is it human? The whole Nigerian slum gang shows exactly how chaos rules where there is no order. From superstitious voodoo chants and sexual misbeliefs associated with the prawns, the dark and power-hungry side of human nature is unveiled.

7. In yo face Transformers

With a budget of just 30 million USD (compared to 200 million for Transformers 2), District 9 packs in 5 times [ statistically proven] more action and excitement and sheds off all unnecessary polygons. The guns are bad-ass and create sonic-boom-like explosions. The last time I saw something like this was in Minority Report, and it has been confirmed as the ultimate definition of uber-coolness.

8. All’s well that wraps up well

I did get a bit worried about where the movie was heading to. The fuel running out; Wikus running out of time; the 3 year limit etc. Of course, the annoying mercenary too who kept on well, annoying me. But yes, by the end, everything was sorted…kinda. I won’t reveal what happened, but yes it was a very satisfying finale indeed which involved, amongst other things – an Iron Man-esque control suit (see image above). And no points for guessing that director Blomkamp was intelligent enough to keep certain loose ends for a potential ‘District 10′. Perhaps, we are witnessing a new dawn for politically engaging sci-fi and horror.

I’d like to conclude by saying, Sharlto Copley surely deserves Oscar buzz for this one. And yes, District-9 could be absolutely a game changer. James Cameron’s year ending overhyped 3D saga “Avatar” has to hit all the notes correctly to overcome this. We are watching very closely. As for District 9, in the words of Master Yoda ” Awesome it was…very”.