The remake of the 90′s cult movie – Agneepath might have sounded like a bad idea on paper. After all, it is so deeply embedded with the strong presence of a performance which defined the star, and the star which defined the movie. Amitabh Bachchan’s white suited, guy-liner endorsing gangster, might have been a 90′s take on the many smuggling movies of the 70′s – viz. Don and Deewar. But what made Agneepath different then, was its no holds barred, self destructive protagonist, who is solely driven by revenge. How could one recreate that? Debutante director Karan Malhotra has the answer for that. And the answer is .. not to recreate *that*. 2012′s Agneepath is a remake of the 90′s original in as much way as Ram Gopal Varma remade the Godfather into Sarkar (and Sarkar Raaj). It does not attempt to shift the time scale and create similar scenes/situations existing in a parallel universe, re-enacted by a different group of actors. Instead, it redefines the dynamics, the relationships and the narrative to a certain extent, and yet, pays tribute to the presence of the original. And THAT is how you remake movies – not by driving your script to make more cash, but by making your characters come back to life..or rather offer a new life to your characters.

By now you must have got it that I loved this movie, despite a few silly unwanted additives. But when the end product is so damn good, who am I to complain. Hit the jump, as I discuss a bit more in details, and of course will be making some comparisons with the original [inevitably].  SPOILER ALERT

We know of the plot already, as I believe most of you have either seen the original, or the new one, or even both (like me). So, I’ll try to skim the fat, and get straight to the point.

#1. The first thing that Karan Malhotra’s version instantly establishes is how Mandva works. It is a village, on an island, and ruled by a Zamindar. And most importantly, Master Deenanath Chauhan is not a dumb self-righteous dude. But he’s one who is ambitious about the economic growth of the village. This is what makes him a villain for the Zamindar, and his evil son – Kancha. Secondly, a 12 year old Vijay, played surprisingly very well by Arush Bhiwandiwala, gets to see his father getting hanged in front of him. THAT is disturbing on so many levels, and defines Vijay’s self-destructing motivation towards avenging his father’s death. It is a bit unclear how Vijay associated everything against only Kancha in the original.

#2. Vijay, is not an angry man. Amitabh’s bare chested challenge to his ganglords to shoot him does not feature here. There are no monologues in a police station, and neither any grand dialogue delivery. Vijay is a very deeply disturbed, miserable and extremely sad man, who has lost his father, been rejected by his mother, and is struggling to reach his goal. And Hrithik portrays it in the most real way possible. There is clear pain in Hrithik’s eyes, his stare and even in his body language. Even with a body so big, you can see through the broken heart that he carries around. And you can also see the clear determination in him to prove his point – even when he knows of the dire consequences.

#3. So how do the two Vijays compare? One is the filmy best. But the other is heartfelt, and sort of explains Vijay Dinanath Chauhan’s motives clearer. Come next year, I’ll be surprised if Hrithik does not take home the awards for this. If acting means immersing yourself into a character, to an extent that the fine line between what’s real and what’s not, is blurred, then Hrithik’s acting of Vijay Chauhan is “acting”.

#4. The genre defining moment of Vijay.. Dinanath.. Chauhan.. Poora Naam, is perfectly placed in the new one. Of course, I have been anticipating how they’d treat it, as it has been spoofed way too many times to count. And I will not spoil it for you when it happens, but it is indeed very satisfying.

#5. Rauf Lala. How can I sum up my thoughts about Rishi Kapoor playing Rauf Lala? Ermm.. excellent, brilliant, amazing? Those are mere adjectives, and I’d add some more to that, only if I knew what. I am absolutely loving the different shades of characters that Chintujee has been portraying over the last few years (e.g. Do Dooni Chaar, Luck By Chance, Chintujee, Love Aaj Kal). And this is a brilliant addition to his amazing filmography. Rishi Kapoor makes us believe in Rauf Lala as the gangster who rules Mumbai’s drug distribution network. Lala’s power, his control and his unforgivably disgusting business of trafficking young girls, is again balanced by his family oriented life, and the trust he has in Vijay. Or is that the whole picture? You’ve got to watch this to find out. And oh, Shah Ka Rutba has been playing on my Winamp since I have got out of the cinema. That’s going to get a lot of hits on Youtube from me when the video releases.

#6. Speaking of videos, the only other song that stands out is – Gun Guna Re, where we see Priyanka’s dancing skills in a Dogri chawl mohalla. The track is very catchy, and you can’t help tap your foot; more so when Udit jee takes over, and a drunk Vijay tries to ape the dance steps. Some more points for resisting the temptation to not make Hrithik Roshan do some proper dance moves. That’d have been pretty awkward to see Vijay move like jagger. And no, Chikni Chameli is one of those unwanted additives that I was talking about earlier. More of it has already been discussed here.

Special mention to the background score/sound engineer Stephen Gomes for inserting appropriate bassoon sounds, and even cellos. The use of colours in the Ganesh Chaturthi scene was exceptionally pretty, and cinematographer Kiran Deohans’s job is very much appreciated.

#7. And speaking of Priyanka Chopra, she’s probably the sore thumb of the movie. I get it that she’s one of the big league actresses now, and demands a better wardrobe than the extras. But please, only when it suits the movie. Ok, so she runs a Chinese beauty parlour, so is definitely more fashionable. Hmm… still can’t digest the fact. I don’t see the point in adding a female lead, just so for the sake of it. If I were to design the title poster (in the beginning of the post), her rectangle wouldn’t be as wide as the ones of Rishi Kapoor and Sanjay Dutt. And what was with that Nepali vs. Chinese thingie? What was the agenda behind that scene? Am I missing a joke or something?

#8. Coming back to Mandwa, thanks to Karan Malhotra’s imagination, it is redesigned by Kancha as a concentration camp – where villagers are enslaved, and their land is used for cocaine plantation. But it is a bit weird to see that Kancha, who has clearly got contacts to get weapons, artilleries, and possibly food distributed for his army, cannot get into Mumbai via any of the neighbouring states. Or perhaps, Rauf Lala’s network is more widespread than my imagination. But then, how would I know the operations and project management aspects of a gangster. LOL! [BRB! #Facepalming myself for having that written down, but too lazy to delete it now].

#9. Sanju Baba, is back in his Khalnayak avatar. He has been a social outcast for his alopecia problem, but I don’t get the logic behind Kancha’s mentally deranged actions – such as hanging anyone that he dislikes, or having a loud laughter (in Hindi we call it “Thahaka”) at the drop of a hat, or for not flossing. Maybe, that’s what defines him – Kancha is mental! And you cannot define mental. Just as Alfred said, “Some people just want to see the world burn”. Kancha wanted to see Mandwa to be his coke-mine. But what he’d do with all that money if he couldn’t get out of Mandwa, is a burning question, that I leave open to the floor.

#10. And for the climactic fight between Vijay and Kancha, it is by all means epic. Sanju looks like a beast, who can even handle a bullet through him. And Vijay looks like the rock that can beat the scissors…oh wait…he did get stabbed numerous times. But he rises, and then what a scene!! [It is here, where I started missing my local theatre, when I could hoot a wolf whistle to my heart's satisfaction]. To be noted, Hrithik gets stabbed in the stomach, but when his shirt gets all torn, that knife scar disappears, and with that, any source of bleeding. Minor filmi creative freedom, or huge cinematic fail? You decide.

To conclude: Agneepath is a hell of a movie. The tone is very serious, dark and extremely violent at times. There’s slashing of necks, and bullets flying. It is rated 15 for a reason, so don’t go expecting a family movie. Hrithik delivers a solid, emotionally charged, and physically punching performance. To me the stand-out moment of Vijay, has to be the one at the end, when after Kancha is killed, Vijay breaks down, to scream out – Babaaa. All his bottled anguish and pain, is released. And with that Vijay’s purpose in life is served. It moved me, more than any of the dialogues could. Rishi Kapoor’s act as the druglord kingpin Rauf Lala deserves all the awards, and more. I wish Sanju was a little bit less caricaturish, and a bit more real.

OKS Rating: 4 Slashing Machetes Out of 5

Be our Facebook chum here, where we discuss the best and worst of Bollywood. Or follow me on twitter for absolutely wise rants.

Now, I have been having quite an idle time. And when I am faced with such a situation, my mind wanders around thinking of just randomly awesome things, trying to quench my “khujlee” for “nirmal anand“, which I have no control on. Now, I cannot mention all of them, as I can’t remember most of them, and those I do remember either are too strong [read: X-Rated] to be mentioned here, or just don’t make any sense. But, idle daydreaming can also be quite fruitful. In this case, what I have come up with is a possible script of a kick-ass Bollywood movie. Now, we have seen a lot of Zombie movies, and as you might or might not know, I love zombie movies. But we are yet to see any Bollywood director make a proper Zombie movie. The keyword here is ‘proper’. Yes, we have seen live actors sleepwalk through a whole movie (*cough* Sanju Baba *cough*), and wooden faces which can corrode a zombie (*ahem* Mimoh!!). But we are not talking Ramsay face-painted monsters, or Vikram Bhatt’s lineup of monstrous unintentionally comic actors. Zombie business is serious shit. And to suit everyone’s taste buds, I am presenting you three different takes that Bollywood can adopt as its own spin on the Zombie movie genre. The sole purpose behind this post is to generate some collective creative juice so that we can get a much needed break from the deficiency of fresh new ideas. So here are..

** 3 Ideas for The Next Bollywood Zombie Movie **

a) Comedy meets Horror:

Something on the lines of Shaun Of The Dead or Zombieland. You know, something like zombies on the loose in a Mumbai local train, and busy Mumbaiyyas not giving a shit, until one of them gets bit. And then, he bites the zombie back so hard, that he almost eats his eye out. Yep, it has to be gross and graphic, and gore has got to be not-toned-down and for a change, gut-wrenching. Of course, after that, the first bite victim would have to transform into a zombie himself, and start spreading the “rage virus”.

The story could be told from the perspective of a group of  South Mumbai slackers (like that Wake Up Sid gang), who have no idea of what is happening in the real world. And then, their parents and fellow college mates start vanishing. Best part here could be the inclusion of zombie outbreak on the sets of Bigg Boss (just like in Dead Set – which I’d highly recommend everyone to watch). Who wouldn’t love to see a zombie Dolly Bindra battle it out with a zombie Kamaal R Khan?? And our heroes could beat them up to pulp, quite literally. The group could even have some sort of a Zombie Kill Count.

Don’t tell about this to – David Dhawan or Priyadarshan.
My choice for the director – Dibakar Banerjee.
Background Score – Ram Sampath’s cracking grungy loud score.
Death count - 100+
Guest role zombie – Salman Khan, the host of Bigg Boss.
Proposed Title – Maar Maarke Laal Kar Dunga ( I’ll beat you until its red)

b) Horror:

Something on the lines of 28 Days Later on the streets of Mumbai. Or The Crazies in Delhi. Or the very awesome Dawn Of The Dead. This could be a very challenging job in terms of creating a perfect claustrophobic scenario. e.g. a whole movie (of 2 hours tops), set around a group of IT employees / call centre guys, all strangers, but getting back home late night from work – from Gurgaon to Delhi, only to see CP (Connaught Place) has been completely burnt down (since the army tried to bomb down the zombies).

Subplot- Another group of guys stuck in Delhi Metro underground, who cannot escape because the gates are shut, and their only way to survive is to stick together, even though there is clearly an ego clash ( insert a North Indian love triangle here). There has to be some casualties here, and a desperate need for night vision glowing eyes of the zombies. And of course, there has to be a religious fanatic inserted in the mix of the young and hip guys, who has her own spin on the story. And the slutty one dies first (but of course).

Don’t tell about this to –  Vikram Bhatt or Sanjay Gupta
Director of Choice – Ram Gopal Varma. The man made Raat, so all your arguments  are invalid.
Cinematographer – Binod Pradhan. He knows best how to show Delhi in an apocalypitc way. And also, that’d mean RGV would have to lose out the tilted camera technique. Also expect some shaky cam.
Background Score – Sandeep Chowta
Death count - All the main lead characters, especially the ladies. The chicken characters survive somehow. And there has to be some explanation about the outbreak. Possibly, an infected person from Singapore landed at IGI airport.
Proposed Title – Dead Delhi

c) Thriller/ Political Drama:

This is the most ambitious one in terms of idea. There will be only shots of the zombies through television screens in the form of news broadcasts. The focus here is on human drama, and how a quarantine camp arrangement in an apocalyptic world set in India would function. This should be something like Torchwood: Children of Earth / Miracle Day .

A zombie outbreak is a national emergency, and it would be absolutely interesting to see how the nation’s leaders would deal with it (given that we have the writers and the director making the best use of good actors and smartly written situations). Set in a near present Delhi, where the nation’s youngest Prime Minister ever faces the nation’s worst nightmare. The President has already been bitten on an aeroplane. But that is not the worst of it. How would the law and order system work when we have a nation of a billion, and almost 30% infected due to some virus spread by biting? And the count is increasing. Joint families trying to hide their loved ones, even when they are being bitten, and armies forcibly taking them away. Politicians taking care of the rich and the powerful to be kept in secured location, and a journalist leaking the story to the masses who are trying hard to survive through all of this. Aaj Tak is still the fastest news breaking channel. Also, a gangster chain operated by an ex-Army guy, who is smuggling people into these secured locations.

Don’t tell about this to: Subhash Ghai or Sanjay Leela Bhansali
Director of Choice: Neeraj Pandey or Raj Nidimoru and Krishna D.K.
Background Score: Amit Trivedi
Death Count: Reported many, none shown onscreen.
Proposed title: Rashtriya Aapatkaal (National Emergency - think about it. The story of a zombie outbreak, told through a sting operation on the nation’s leaders. Of course, there is no democracy to be spoken of, but who in their right mind, would like to lead a nation at such a moment, instead of saving their own asses).

*****************************************************

Spread the word right now using the buttons below, so that someone in Bolly land can pick up these ideas and translate them onto screen right away. Of course, me being a non-trained scriptwriter, there is an amalgamation of a thousand ideas which are thrown in the mix here. If someone intends to clean them up to produce a more cohesive plot, be my guest. If you are connected to any filmmaker, film magazine which can make these ideas get flashed in front of the right people, please feel free to do so (and a little credit thrown at my end would be very welcome). As always, comments and criticism are always welcome.

Like the many reviews out there, my thoughts on Ra.One are also divided. On one hand, I have extremely strong complaints against the movie’s script and its many inconsistencies [ Check out my previous post - My 5 Complaints against Ra.One]. But on the other hand, there is no denying, that there is some amount of absolutely engaging good stuff here. This probably is a good thing for the movie’s future on BluRay or DVD, as we can straight away skip the shitty bits and watch the good ones. So in true Hollywood style, I present to you this sequel to my review – The Ying to the Yang ..the White to the Black..the..you get it.

If I were to be a crafty editor, this is what I’d suggest Ra.One to be – a coherent script which slickly travels through ..

**The 5 Things I Did Like About Ra.One**

1. London and the Battersea Power Station action sequence:

This was one of those moments when the movie was absolutely on the money. It delivered the goodness that it promised in the trailers, and the action sequence, right from the car chase to the VFX was classy. Ra.One’s first face-to-face action scene with G.One was filled with flying cars deflected with electric pulses in shades of red and blue. There’s some good action choreography here, and there’s even SRK’s action version of the now famous – arms-wide-open gaze. This one’s called the “Badass look as the Car falls”. [Refer to GIF above]

2. Chammak Challo:

Akon on autotune, singing Akkiyo se Akkiyaa milaa de.. and Hamsika Iyyer waxing lyricals in Tamil. Bebo looking red hot in a crimson red sari, and also the ultimate reveal that its actually Ra.One in a Bebo disguise, doing a vaguely homoerotic routine, trying to woo G.One and get her/his H.A.R.T. back. OMFG, the size of this metaphor. Kill me now!

3. Chitti Babu and The Other Geeky Nods:

Although the scene with a group of local goons assaulting Bebo at Mumbai International Airport and open firing, is as preposterous as it can be, it was totally worth it to see Chitty Babu’s cameo. That was one absolute no-holds-barred “whistle-blowing” moment. I wish we could get more of these crossover universe things in modern day scifi..like the Doctor landing on Tatooine.

Also, Lucifer’s introductory dream with SRK battling against Khalnayak to save Piggy Chops reminded me of Dante from Devil May Cry. And that whole thing with Ra.One morphing into Akaashi (Tom Wu) and killing him off was so T-1000. And finally, all that flying Rasengans / Hadouken gave me an awesome chill.

4. Train action sequence in Mumbai / CST:

This is one of the best action scenes that I’ve seen in a while, and although it is not as good as the one in Endhiran, its still has enough awesomeness to carry it off. There’s SRK flying between coaches, probably symbolising the rush in Mumbai’s daily life. There’s SRK running on the roofs and racing the train, running sideways on the train, and landing with absolute precision between the engine and the coach, without a single scar or a speck of dirt on his white shirt or undone bow-tie. And in true superhero isshtyle, he stops the train from crashing, but somehow cracking the walls of CST. Is anyone from MNS complaining ?

5. Evil Bebo:

And finally, this has got to be the best part of the movie. Primarily because, unlike most superhero movies, where the female lead is more trouble than help, and is only abused as a damsel in distress, Bebo gets to give it her own spin. Of course, she is the damsel in distress, but Ra.One messes her head with some chemical locha (or was it Electric Impulse Locha), and turns her into a red-eyed maniac. And that diabolic laugh paired with her evil eyes – Man, that can do wonders. Imagine how Bebo could look in an absolutely maniac Dexter kinda role. Someone please write a proper script for her, and make her stop doing Maa Ki Aankh roles in Golmaal type movies.

So there you go, those were the 5 things I liked about Ra.One. Not quite the obvious ones, or were they the most obvious ones – you decide in the comments section below.

Also read (if you haven’t already) – Part 1 – My 5 Complaints Against Ra.One

OKS Rating – 2.5 Crotch Kicks Out of 5

I enjoy R-rated (or in desi terms, rated A for Adult) films, for the fact that they give the filmmaker, the sort of independence, to portray characters and situations as real as possible, without any restrictions to fit into a set of rules of dos and don’ts. It is the same reason why movies such as the Godfather, Hangover, Tarantino movies or Guy Ritchie Brit-gangster flicks, which are layered with violence, blood and abusive language at the drop of a hat, manage to stand out as movies that are quoted repeatedly, as well as discussed over and over again, over a pint at the pub. To have restricted them to a lower rating would be like clipping their wings. Having said that, an R-rating doesn’t necessarily mean that every single word in the script needs an expletive suffix replete with F-bombs. Debutante director Abinay Deo’s DELHI BELLY is a mix of the two. There is enough potential and it also delivers the goods as a quality Rated R comic thriller, but at times, it falls prey to a contrived script written to ‘please’ a certain audience – that audience which gives a wolf-whistle when a rhyming curse word is uttered. But that does not take away most of the goodness from what DELHI BELLY achieves over its 90+ minutes, and there’s plenty of that.

The story:

The opening title credits settle on a frame of a hairy bum crack. The setting is a filthy, dirty and ‘messy to the brim’ flat, waiting to collapse, being shared by the lead trio – Tashi Dorjee Lhatoo (Imran Khan playing a Bhutani? Doesn’t seem right!), Nitin Berry (Kunal Roy Kapoor) and Arup(Vir Das). Tashi is a Times of India journo and Nitin is his accompanying photographer on a rusty scooter and Arup is a cartoonist. Tashi is caught between a relationship with a marriage notice, his boss at work Menaka(Poorna Jagarnnathan), and somehow the trio find themselves caught in between a smuggler web because of diamonds that they are unknowingly supposed to deliver. There is the expected chase to survive, making money on the way, and of course enough boom, bam, kisses and slams to keep you engrossed. And as they say, what matters is the journey, not the destination. With an appetite for munching down all possibilities of toilet humour that can be thrown at the audience, DELHI BELLY rolls from corner to corner with desi versions of the F-bombs.

Delhi:

If you go by the name, DELHI BELLY on its exterior, does not quite serve as a DELHI based story, apart from the minor nudge-nudge references to sign boards of Vasant Vihar and the Old Delhi roof top view (you know the one where Abhishek Bachchan does a freerunning exhibit in Delhi 6). But even so, there are some scenes which boldly shout out ‘Ye Dilli hai mere yaar!’. The sub-plot of Menaka’s boyfriend trying to hunt down Tashi and Menaka, as his sidekicks drive down the streets, reminds me of ‘No One Killed Jessica‘. This is a man who has a gun in his hand, a bloated ego and power in his head and believes that he is above the law. The whole – Tu jaanta nahi main kaun hu – attitude is what represents the rich and elite spoilt brats of the political capital who believe that they can buy expensive lawyers and hence buy their innocence, no matter what. And then there’s collapsing buildings, GB Road scandals of a landlord, street stalls not so high on hygiene and loots at Jewellery shops of Zhaveri Bazar by three burqa clad ..ahem..ladies. Now THAT is so Delhi!

The performances:

The ladies – Shehnaz Treasury (she’s dropped the ‘wallah’, possibly fearing that Anil Kapoor would start screaming her last name out loud) as well as Poorna Jagarnathan, merely serve as elements of raunchy scenes ( one of them being oral sex, the other being a fake moaning ritual). The lead trio is at the top of their game. Vir Das is wicked and snappy with his lines, whilst Imran Khan is just passable (No, I don’t think this was award winning material as far as acting was concerned). Of the trio, Kunal Roy Kapoor stands out as the most ‘natural’ as he struggles between attending to his nature’s call, and delivering the best lines in the movie. But it is the movie’s villain, Vijay Raaz ( aka PK Dubey from Monsoon Wedding ) who steals the show with his cold and deadpan portrayal of the diamond gangster. The man has got immense screen presence, and the sort of image that commands absolute attention. He calls out ‘Bunty’ and an immediate whack lands on the face, and you believe what you see. Someone collect all the awards and give it to him already.

The music:

The music is outstanding and composer Ram Sampath deserves a big pat on his back for this one. He’s for sure receiving the RD Burman Filmfare Award next year. Although the movie has almost no explicitly playbacked songs, the songs serve as a driving force with the narrative. Whilst the entire nation and beyond continues to swoon to the catchy tune of DK Bose, the remaining tracks of the soundtrack have more to offer. The title credit track – Saigal Blues, serves as an epilogue to the plot, whereas Nakkad Wale Disco gives a market feeling of Zaveri Bazar. There is even a reference to the competition song featuring the immortal trumpet track by Manohari Singh in RD Burman’s awesome Competition medley from Nasir Hussain’s (Aamir Khan’s uncle) Hum Kisi Se Kum Nahi. The very rock and heavy – Jaa Chudail, which has Vir Das in an Elvis suit, as a character called Disco King, is a brilliant concept and something which leaves me asking for more as it is quite abruptly ended (please make a full video of this). But quite surprisingly, I hate you( Like I love you) featuring Item boy, Aamir Khan as a love-child of Bappi Lahiri and Mithun da( no, don’t think in those terms please) dressed in bling, Austin Powers chest hair, and what not, is an awesome nod to the 70′s shiny disco ball theme. Unfortunately, it is an end credit showdown, and somewhat steals the thunder of the awesome climax.

To conclude:

Nevertheless, apart from a few annoyances of a-bit-more-than-needed farts and dropping sounds, the film triumphs like the lead trio, who manage to finish off the baddies, and even get the girl. Certainly not a family entertainer, and if you are quite easily offended by abusive language, then stay the fuck out of this . If not, then this is the sort of movie which will breeze through with its catchy urban language and entertain you through and through. Now, how many movies can claim of being able to do that these days, eh?

OKS Rating: 3.5 “Jhumke” out of 5

Remember Mr.Mathur in Mast? Arre, Aftab’s Papa, who goes to his wardrobe in the closing scenes of the movie, and stares at his hidden poster of Rekha, as the soundtrack plays on – Uske Sivaa, Kuch Yaad Nahi !!! Yes, to a whole generation of desi cinephiles and beyond, Rekha is an inspiration, an intoxication which has been making us ‘Mast’ for ages. She is beauty personified, and she is the personification of the word ‘ Heroine’. In a career which has spanned across almost five decades, she is an institution in itself. It is almost impossible to confine her body of work in just a list of Navrang ( Nine shades ). But here I am, doing that exact ‘khata’. The only reason to have my list restricted to 9 types is because of the existence of the word Navrang itself. And also, it looks a bit more clean, tidy and organised innit.

So here we go, ..

The Navrang of Rekha

1. The Chulbuli-cious

Of course, the one that stands out in this category is the awesome and bindaas Manju in Hrishikesh Mukherjee’s Khubsoorat (1980). Manju is a free spirit, whose infectious enthusiasm fills each frame of this movie with sheer joy and playfulness. Her intelligence is beyond comparison. She is well trained in Kathak, loves to rhyme, excels in Bridge and is sharp and spontaneous with her sarcastic comments. And oh, she is the love interest of the Doctor Baabu in the story too. Sigh! Manju –  Hui Baanwari, Hui Baanwari !

2. The Courtesan

Probably the most prominent image with which Rekha is associated, is the Courtesan or Tawaaif. Rekha’s peaks in her career can be unquestionably attributed to Umrao Jaan (1981) and Muqaddar Ka Sikandar (1979). Umrao Jaan for obvious reasons, was one of Rekha’s ‘one-woman-show’ performance movie. The songs of Umrao Jaan goes a step forward to showcase her onscreen diva status and her tragic portrayal of ‘lost-in-love’ Tawaaif won her many accolades including the National Award.

A few years back, her supporting role as Zohrabai in Muqaddar Ka Sikander was sort of a modern take on Sarat Chandra’s Devdas. Amongst all the Amitabh/Rakhi-Memsaab/Vinod Khanna tussle, Rekha as Zohrabai, yet again becomes the ‘lost-in-love’ tragic woman – much like Chandramukhi. And yes, very much like Chandramukhi, she does have her dance moment with Dev Babu, I mean Sikandar. Yes, the song which every single one of you know – Salaam-E-Ishq. The jalwa of Kishore da and Lata ji, in one of Kalyanji-Anandji’s best compositions translates into one of the legendary movie moments of all time.

3. The Sexy-oomph seductress

C’mon, this one’s pretty obvious. She has been and continues to be a sex symbol even today. Her naughty looks and bejeweled appearance in Utsav(1984) as Vasantsena ( also a courtesan), and her romantic courtship with Charudutt inspires Vatsyayana to write the Kamasutra – that’s like the flipping Bible of sex..or something like that. And then, in Mira Nair’s Kamasutra, she preaches and teaches sexual positions. Not to forget, even in her 40′s, she scorched the screen with her ‘In-The-Night’ performance with Khiladi Baba Akshay under the shower, in the mud, by the pool et al.

4. Her Royal Graciousness

Silsila has a lot to do with this particular ‘Ras’. Her Saris made my sister go mad, well, until Sridevi invaded that space with Chandni – possibly, named after Rekha’s character in Silsila. Her hair, her misty smile and all the shabang! And then, there’s Ghar - her rumored offscreen love with Vinod Mehra translates into cracking onscreen chemistry (I’m getting technical now). And then there are a zillion and a half images of Rekha, not related to any movie specifically, which highlight her limelight factor. Take a few as examples.

And then, she makes a heart-stopping appearance in Deewanagee Deewanagee – Om Shanti Om.

5. The Bad-Ass Avenger

I know this is BollywoodDeewana‘s favourite ‘Rang’ when it comes to Rekha, hai naa? Rekha has no apprehensions in turning around and transforming from a sexy oomph, or even a shy and coy bitiya, or bahu raani, to ‘your worst nightmare’ (ok, just don’t do that Stallone voice). She kicks ass in a very unapologetic way, and makes you repent for all the bad deeds you did, or the bad things you did to her, in this life or past ones. Good examples would be the crocodile-survivor turns into 80′s fashion icon, or as Rakesh Roshan named it – Khoon Bhari Maang. Man, that Kabir Bedi got some payback! And of course, there’s the horse-riding female cop which inspired Sarah Connor, Lara Croft and Xena – the Warrior Princess. I am talking about Ma’am Namrata ( from Phool Baney Angaray -1991 ).

There are many others in this category, but the ones which deserve a mention are the hilarious yet unmissable Madam X (1994) ( a must watch if you love 90s crap, just as much as I do), and Khiladiyo Ka Khiladi (1996) ( yes, where she handles Undertaker, and does that ‘In the Night’ song too ). Speaking of Khiladiyo Ka Khiladi, take this.

6. The Pyar karne waali/ marne waali / jalne waali

As far as love goes, she has not been quite that lucky with having a happy ending and living happily ever after with our hero dude. Zohrabai dies (oh noes spoiler? ) by swallowing a ‘Heera’, Chandni ends up with her a-bit-boring Doctor dude, and Umrao Jaan (sigh!) – her tragedy is that she has no words to express her misery. Then, in Ghar she is a victim of a rape incident, and her khush-pariwaar is turned upside down. But when she does get to show off her love, she does it like no one else could.

Take this – Pardesiya, ye Sach Hai Piya, Sab Kehte Hai Maine, Tujhko Dil De Diya ( no, noooooo.. stop thinking about Rakhi Sawant NOW!)

7. The not-so-conventional Bahu

Yes, she can be the ideal and very good Bahu-rani. But Sasu-Maa Bindu, if you try messing with her, you are in for a well reconciled payback. Case in point – Biwi Ho To Aisi. So, she might be the village belle who falls in love with your Sehri Beta, but she’ll bowl you over with her ‘Angrezi’ ( at the climax, obviously). And she’ll give tit for tat a new level of meaning.

Oh, if you thought she can only straighten up Saasu maa, then you couldn’t be more wrong. She also knows how to discipline her own Pati-parmeshwar and in the process, bring the family together. Case in point – Sansar. This is one of Rekha’s must watch movies..trust me. She almost single handedly tackles her ‘nihaayat-hi’ selfish Raj Babbar husband, in collaboration with Gangu Bai – Aruna Irani, arranges wedding for her Devrani Rajni ( Archana Joglekar), and all this while, there’s awesome father-son tussle scenes. [ I really need to do a post on Sansar. Someone send me the DVD please! ].

And not to forget, if her Pati is tormented by an evil-ex who is now a Ghost, she can totally bitch-slap her too. That’s the power of her Mangalsutra.

8. The Item number 1

You knew this was coming right? This maybe a subset of the seductress category (if you were to be really technical ). But c’mon. LOOK. AT. THIS.

And THIS.

And THIS.

And THIS.

Worthy mention – Amol Palekar’s dream – in Golmaal’s (Sapne Mein Dekha Sapna). Not strictly a item number, more like a guest appearance. And of course,

9. The Best Mother of ALL TIME

And last of all, Amma jee. With age, Bollywood actors do slide into the mother role routine. But she is no ordinary Maa. She is Maa of Scientist Rohit, and Grandma of Krrish.

She is Saritaji, widowed and single mother who raised two very naughty daughters.

And if you mess with her kids, you know she’s not gonna like you (Refer to that crocodile/alligator movie).

So there you go, those were the Nav-Ras of Rekha. And with that we come to the end of Rekhatober. I have worked really hard to create these GIFs, so if you share them, please credit me or my website for the same. Even if this is the end of our awesome Rekhatober, I will definitely be exploring more and more Rekha movies in the future. Thanks to all the lovely Bolly Bloggers who contributed to Rekhatober. All their posts can be found here. Hope you liked this post. Leave your comments, and kindly share the love by sharing it on Twitter, Tumblr, Digg, Facebook et al.

Cheerio!

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing – first on twitter – Chulbul Pandey !!!!

Since Chulbul is a man of more words that can never fit in 140 characters, he decided to invade Phacebook! And so he did! But before he could write anything even on his wall, his Dukhiyari Amma invaded his wall.

But Chulbul wasn’t going to listen to her. In true Herogiri style, he kicks his brother, to the music of Sajid Wajid.

Time for proper intro. 21 years later…

And oh, Chulbul Pandey cannot rejisht the Jalwa… What Jalwa yu ask. See it below.

Time for the other characters to make a Facebook entry as well. Oh, I meant, Phacebook!

But Cheddi Singh will not take it so easily. As in, Chulbul invading his property and all that Hero vs Villain shit. He still believes he’s the Hero — Go figure! So, Ladies, and Gent’s here it is, the time for mammoth face-off.

And then, Chulbul said:  Screw this, time for Paap se dharti phatii phatii..

Muscles se meri shirt Phatiii Phatii..Phatii…!!!

Is that the happy ending of the story? Not done yet!!!

Here’s what Chulbul is busy with..

Thanks to Praxy ( who tweets as @Pr4k4shR4j90p41) for educating me with the wonders of Firefox to edit Facebook, and just about any website in real time, without any compiling or saving of code.

P.S. No real actors were harmed, cursed or hurt in the making of this post. Please feel free to share this post on twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, StumbleUpon etc. And again, if you do share these images, please do credit my blog as the source. Dhanyawaad!!!

OH MAGADHEERA! Thy canvas is so large, so bright and so beautiful. I give in to your might and surrender myself and my senses too. Painted in testosterene, and splashed with everything that is majestic, masculine, and mind-fraking, Magadheera – you blow me away. Quite literally. Every. Single. Time.

Just as I sat down to the starting credits of Magadheera, the brief teasing images over the sounds of clashing swords and the voice of a warrior screaming Bhairava, leaves me with an intense feeling of anticipation. The sense of urgency, and the curiosity to see events unfold grips you completely. And this is what exactly keeps me glued through the entire length of the movie even though, the pace isn’t as steady.

To begin with Princess Mithravinda and our warrior Kala Bhairava are injured badly and almost breathing their last. But not done yet until they some love. And then gravity strikes, but Kala Bhairava flings himself with a launch velocity. Coupled with an intelligent lift-drag air-resistance formula, Kala Bhairava cleverly defies laws of physics to get closer to Mithra. But not quite close..sigh!

Flash forward to 400 years now, and our warrior has turned into a dude who wears Ferrari shoes and races bikes for a living. Yes, this is a world where our dude is tormented by chupudhee chapadhee Mumait Khan who hides her earnings in her supposed cholee. And to retrieve it, an item number must follow with special nods to a CGI edited papa Chiranjeevi. Oh, and before that, Mumait Khan gives a boobie shockwave which turns everyone into stone. Not kidding! And this my friend is only the first 15 minutes of the movie. Phew! You just get to sense a teaser of the possibilities of the remaining parts of the movie and how this could actually be the inspiration behind Scott Pilgrim – An Epic of Epic Epicness. Yes, that pretty much sums it up quite right.

Whoa. Let’s explore the remaining 150 minutes with the infinte screencaps below. Keep up with me, and don’t get lost, but do feel free to lose yourself in the beauty of Magadheera. WARNING:  Long Post.

Item number done. Whistles blown. Hero now approaches his destiny on a rainy day where a mere touch with his ‘bandee’ – Indu, generates electricity of the fluorescent kind. Now there’s a lot of flirting going on here. And instead of me getting annoyed at Indu, I just keep convincing myself – this is for the greater good innit. The greater good of keeping me waiting as my neurons get fried over silly incidents – such as Indu falling in love when she sees the dude beat the shit out of rowdy eveteasers. The ‘confusion’ game continues until the dude cleverly decodes it by another ‘conduction’ incident. What we as audiences are left is to watch another awesome song to unleash which sports lyrics such as – The rain can touch you and so can the light, then why this indifference with me.

Add to that, some metaphoric splitting of water streams, and we have already covered all aspects of physics – from gravity, air drag and lift to fluid mechanics. And add some beautiful dusk shots, what’s there not to love.

But whilst the dude is still wondering why this conduction electricity keeps occuring [ and possibly very concerned about how he's gonna make love ], Indu’s Appa makes a deadly entry, just to be completely pwned by a super throat-choking dude move.

And oh BTW, the villain guy – Billa is ever horny and is also quite good in calculating projectile ranges in javelin. This movie is turning out to be so much more educational than I expected. Billa kills anyone at will, and is a rich royal dude [ going by his blue Sherwani and lovely turban ]. But he is very superstitious and keep visiting that Aghora Baba who educates him of the reincarnation theory. This leaves him no options but to lust over Indu. But what he doesn’t know is that Kala Bhairava, even in a plasma state, won’t let him do THAT.

Conspiracy theory kicks in, and silly Indu falls for it. Villain and Hero fight, cars explode, choppers appear with Rajputana aviation painted on them, and the prophecy comes alive – the birds shall fly away, the bright Sun shall turn Black, and the dude shall appeareth like a volcano. And so he does.

And with a sequence involving helicopter hanging, the dude tries to impress Indu. But yet again, the conduction electricity and gravity lets our dude down [ literally ]. Now he’s freefalling at 9.81m/s2 and simultaneously getting flashbacks from his distant past. And from that great height he could have been crushed, but he’s saved fortunately by the buoyancy and density of water. Phew!

And one of the best Intermissions EVER hits us right in the face… and all I can do is exclaim – OMFG!!! This is bloody exhausting. And the awesomeness doesn’t seem to stop. Rather, the GAME has just begun.

We’re back from the Intermission just to be rewinded centuries back and we can see the Eastmancolor version of the dude’s Sepia toned hallucinations that he has as an affect of those conduction shocks. So there’s the prophecy of the aligning planets causing trouble and some Babar-esque emperor Sher Khan trying to invade Udaigarh.

And amongst this, there is a Buzkashi like competiton between our dude, who is now called Kala Bhairava [ whatta cool name ] and the C-i-C Billa [ Jo Apna Mooh Nahi Rakhta Khulla ].

Some breathtaking action scenes in a white desert near Udaipur or in Ramoji Film city with a Quick Sand gulping down people and carts, adrenaline levels are surely very high. Gandalf’s Shadowfax can retire now as Badshah saves the day. And by the rules of filmi-politics, Kala Bhairava wins the race, the crown princess before a colosseum filled with CGI cloned people. And shame shame for Billa.

Time for a mindnumbingly beautiful song replete with percussions, metaphors, and flowing garments. How can I stop loving thee. The aerial shots and the sheer scale of the poor CGI effects impress me. Ashutosh Gowariker has a lot of things to learn.

But the Royal Purohit reminds us of the danger that is knocking on the door. The planetary alignment needs to be dealt with and hence, the princess and the bunch of royal dudes and dudettes along with Kala Bhairava and the Purohit head to the place where the Puja is to be held. Now look at that huge idol of Lord Shiva – how magnificiently grand is that! And this is where the Princess decides to let her emotions take over. But not for long, coz Billa aided by Sher Khan are here to interrupt.  And naughty Billa wants the Princess to give him a lapdance. Very wrong Billa, you’re gonna be so screwed…twice. So, let the games begin and the bodycount too.

Our dude proves time and again why he is from the Bhairava clan by slicing, dicing and gliding over the Shaitan ki Fauj who IMHO resemble the orks minus the bad teeth. Kala Bhairava even takes a sort of an Avatar of Lord Shiva (?) with all the multi-arm and multi-weaponry. You have to see it to believe it man!

Long story short – Sher Khan is impressed, but he has given his word to Billa. So Billa takes over..sorta..only to be totally pwned by our dude Bhairava. But before getting destructed, Billa stabs Monica Seles…I mean Mithravinda. Bhairava is not happy, so have a look what he does. A very serious observation here is that the blood splat count here is more than the battle between the Persians and the Spartans – don’t you think?

And now, we are back to the scene 1 of the movie – rememeber – gravity, air drag and lift and sky-diving in Crouching Tiger style – which means its end of flashback. And we are back to the present. Our dude has regained consciousness and finds himself in the jaal of Soloman, who is a reincarnation of Sher Khan. WHOA!!! Kya idea hai Sirjee

Soloman is a fisherman, who wears only Satin shiny Violet shirts, believes in the Dawaa of the Bottle, and also hires Kim Sharma for an Item Number, featuring Daler Mehndi on the vocals. Zara Bol pe dhyan dijiye – Zorse Zorse..Zoorse Zorse

Now our dude is under the influence of alcohol, and so he hallucinates Kim Sharma as Indu or his Mithra. So he didn’t really cross the line of morality by splashing water at her and sliding that broken bottle all over her.

And just before the dance completes, Solomon offers the dude his Karizma, and the roadie dude rides the bike, walks through the desert to finally reach the palace where Mithra/ Indu is staying along with Billa [ by this time I have forgotten his present name]. Now there’s a lot of stuff happening here, but let’s just cut to the climax .

The mission is to make Indu realise about her previous incarnation – and so Bhairava brings her to the same spot from where she fell. Kinda smart you see, the whole story wraps up nicely at the same spot. But not that easily. There are explosions, more Bhairava vs. Billa action, and some actions which will give Die Hard 4.0 a run for its money. But you know what happens in the end right.. right!!! Oh yeah, there is an awesome flashback of the kickass killing of Billa 400 years back.

I know this has been sort of a narrative accompanied by spoiler screenshots. But that is exactly the whole point. I just wanted the unveil the beauty of Magadheera to everyone through this, and possibly set the mood for how you should enjoy it in the most possible away. What I enjoyed most about the movie is its unashamed sense of fun and entertainment. Everyone involved in the movie knows it, and this is what has been missing from all of the Bollywood movies. Magadheera is exactly what Salman Khan would’ve dreamt of Veer to look like. Instead, Veer takes itself too seriously and ends up right where it is – in the crap disposal bin.

I am sure of Ram Charan’s rise to superstardom must have been easy-peasy after the release of Magadheera. And you can tell. He is in the zone – with the swords and spears as well as the sweet and corny routine of song and dance. Right now, from the top of my head, I cannot think of anyone from Bollywood who’d be able to do this in a Hindi adaptation. And seriously, I cannot even think of an able director for such a magnum opus.

Ashutosh Gowariker ? He’ll possibly take 2 years to research it and make it another history lesson starring Hrithik Roshan and Aishwarya Rai. And the audience will clap when Ash falls from the clip and then pray that she never gets reborn.

Sanjay Leela Bhansali? He’ll pay extra details on the palatial decorations and painstakingly sit for days and months with Nitin Desai and Neeta Lulla for the dress design. Salman Khan would play Bhairava and Jackie Shroff with eyeliners would be Sher Khan. You see where I’m going. For the role of Indu, Salman would pick a lookalike of his latest girlfriend – whoever it’ll be after Katrina.

Anywho, before this turns into a mindless ramble, let’s wrap things up. I’d like you to go straight away and buy, borrow, steal the DVD/ Blu Ray if you haven’t seen this. Trust me on this one.

To conclude, I’d just say, if this is what Telegu cinema promises, then Bollywood should just sit down and learn.

**Kati Patang**

———————————————————————————————

Where do I begin? Kites is a sick and lame movie. Howzat! I have some other adjectives to add – like old-fashioned, insanely consumerist, mind-numbingly illiterate and utterly unnecessary.I’ll explain why.
The formula goes like this – You take a Romeo-Juliet-esque love story, add a materialistic twist to it, spicen up with locales like Las Vegas, Mexico, Grand Canyon and some underwater sequences. And finally, don’t forget it’s aimed to be a peppy international-flavoured movie – so lotsa bikini, screen scorching action scenes, a few smooches. But our ‘Dil’ is still Hindustani, so sex is a no no. Yes, our leads are passionately in love with each other. They are so much in love that they can give up the world’s dhan daulat, and even get violent if provoked. But after all this struggle, when they finally get to spend a minute or two together, they’d rather chat, dance in the rain or make shadow rabbits. I don’t understand how Linda (Barbara Mori) dreams of having kids with Jay (Hrithik Roshan) or does Anurag Basu want us to understand and kindly adjust ? If he does, I say it is a wrong bargain. At least that could have made the movie a bit worth watching.

Now I’ll try to explain the adjectives in details.

1. Old-Fashioned:
Papa Roshan fails to realise that it is not year 2000 anymore that we’ll be impressed by Kaho Naa Pyar Hai’s “Ek Pal Ka Jeena”. Hrithik needs to learn few more moves and stop the ones that he’s been practising since his 5th standard’s parents day function. The introductory few minutes about Jay and his life in Vegas almost sound like a lame-ass launch vehicle as if Hrithik is making his debut again. Check this out – Our dude makes a living out of marrying immigrants for Green Card, but he’s a kick-ass dancer you see. So we get a glimpse of “Step Up” – C’mon Hrithik has to dance. There’s the Coke Ad move, the Thump move, and some B-boying not-so-cleverly dummied. And casino honcho Kabir Bedi’s ‘eklauti beti’ Kangna Ranaut falls for apna dude. And by fall I mean, seriously girl, where’s thy self-respect? Ok, she’s supposed to be mental and Kangna plays that very well, right? Now in a lusty turn of events, Jay meets Linda aka Natasha as his sister-in-law. [Naughty Indian men, even foreign ones, are always after their *cough* Savita *cough*..Bhabhis].So all of that is summed up by just one word – Old-Fashioned.

2. Insanely consumerist.
Have a look at that first hour or so of the movie. I am not exaggerating any bit. It looks like a prolonged advert of Provogue/ John Players [ brands which Hrithik endorses ]. Hrithik looks like he’s had a Dhoom 2 hangover. The yacht, the champagne, the Samsung mobile phones, the casino shimmery lights, the bikes and the cars – all are so essential to the plot, hai na?

3. Mind-Numbingly Illiterate.
I hereby denounce this movie as illiterate and prescribe Hrithik, Barbara and Anurag to be straight away enrolled under the Rashtriya Saksharta Mission [ National Literacy Mission ]. Confused? Well, Hrithik speaks Hindi when he is threatening a firang goon who is hung upside down. Such grown up people make jokes like “Main Ullu Ki Patthi Hu” and “I’ve wet my pants”.

4. Utterly Unnecessary.
I think if I had to choose one adjective this would be the one. Right from the supposedly emotional sequences where the characters need to emote, it is replaced by tediously snail-paced scenes. The action sequences which were publicised to the most possible extent are just uncalled for and appear repetitive. Some sequences which have been lifted straight away from Bad Boys 2 are just lame and overdone.
Let me start again. Our dude falls in love with the Bhabhi, and runs away. Bhabhi-jaan’s husband hunts them down and so does bounty hunters and sheriffs. And all of it makes it to the TV News stations. [ America also has their own versions of Aaj Tak and India TV ]. Now there’s some serious shit happening. Guns fired, cars exchanged, cars blasted, roof chase sequences, trains stoppping, trains running and some more cars flipping and blasting with glass panes crashing faster than you can blink. Oh yeah, there’s hot air balloons as well. There’s a sequence in red, in blue and in the sun. Sad scenes are shot in slo-mo and there is a fight sequence in slo-mo too [ Very Matrix-esque]. But all of it makes me think – what’s the fucking point?

Hrithik Roshan’s best so far remains his cameo in Luck By Chance, and that still holds good. Kites does nothing for him except for making all those tween girls scream on his bendy moves. Barbara Mori is beautiful and she reminds me of Naomi Watts when she smiles. And if anyone starts talking about their chemistry yet again, I’d say yeah – like Tarzan and Jane. In fact, a few scenes were very much like Tarzan and Jane – you know, bare chested dude with the Latino Lady in Bikinis speaking in sign language.

Everybody else in the cast inlcuding Kangna Ranaut and Kabir Bedi seemed to have been written by a script writer on an internship program.

Kites is a tragedy which could have been simply told and wonderfully executed. Instead, the director’s decision to make it a love tragedy on steroids is completely unnecessary. The music of the movie does nothing to save it, and barring one song -KK’s fluid vocals on Intezar, everything else is mediocre at best. I’d like to specifically mention the Hrithik Roshan title track – it sounds so damn amateurish.

Kites is just a bloated publicity stunt from FilmKraft riding on Reliance’s hump. All in the name of excellent production value, what you get is a hollow product. It is neither a commercially entertaining movie, nor a movie with something to think about. It is a flawed product from top to bottom just polished on the surface. I still fail to realise the metaphor behind the title name which would in some way relate with the basic theme of the movie. How many times did you spot a Kite flying during the movie except for the beginning few minutes. I cannot resist saying this, so here it goes – Kites – It never takes off.

Watch it to see how Titanic sank.

P.S. Headline tag courtesy Praxy.