Steal This Pitch: Bhaago Zombies Bhaago!

Desi Zombieland

Now, I have been having quite an idle time. And when I am faced with such a situation, my mind wanders around thinking of just randomly awesome things, trying to quench my “khujlee” for “nirmal anand“, which I have no control on. Now, I cannot mention all of them, as I can’t remember most of them, and those I do remember either are too strong [read: X-Rated] to be mentioned here, or just don’t make any sense. But, idle daydreaming can also be quite fruitful. In this case, what I have come up with is a possible script of a kick-ass Bollywood movie. Now, we have seen a lot of Zombie movies, and as you might or might not know, I love zombie movies. But we are yet to see any Bollywood director make a proper Zombie movie. The keyword here is ‘proper’. Yes, we have seen live actors sleepwalk through a whole movie (*cough* Sanju Baba *cough*), and wooden faces which can corrode a zombie (*ahem* Mimoh!!). But we are not talking Ramsay face-painted monsters, or Vikram Bhatt’s lineup of monstrous unintentionally comic actors. Zombie business is serious shit. And to suit everyone’s taste buds, I am presenting you three different takes that Bollywood can adopt as its own spin on the Zombie movie genre. The sole purpose behind this post is to generate some collective creative juice so that we can get a much needed break from the deficiency of fresh new ideas. So here are..

** 3 Ideas for The Next Bollywood Zombie Movie **

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Movie Review: Delhi Belly (2011)

Delhi Belly wallpaper

I enjoy R-rated (or in desi terms, rated A for Adult) films, for the fact that they give the filmmaker, the sort of independence, to portray characters and situations as real as possible, without any restrictions to fit into a set of rules of dos and don’ts. It is the same reason why movies such as the Godfather, Hangover, Tarantino movies or Guy Ritchie Brit-gangster flicks, which are layered with violence, blood and abusive language at the drop of a hat, manage to stand out as movies that are quoted repeatedly, as well as discussed over and over again, over a pint at the pub. To have restricted them to a lower rating would be like clipping their wings. Having said that, an R-rating doesn’t necessarily mean that every single word in the script needs an expletive suffix replete with F-bombs. Debutante director Abinay Deo’s DELHI BELLY is a mix of the two. There is enough potential and it also delivers the goods as a quality Rated R comic thriller, but at times, it falls prey to a contrived script written to ‘please’ a certain audience – that audience which gives a wolf-whistle when a rhyming curse word is uttered. But that does not take away most of the goodness from what DELHI BELLY achieves over its 90+ minutes, and there’s plenty of that.

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Back to the Bollywood of 2000: Refugee

I am going through a mental state right now. And hence, my ideas, my thought process and my interpretation of daily life is bizarre (even for me). It’s probably an after-effect of sleeping 5 hours a day, and watching too much sci-fi. For the uninitiated, I am a self-proclaimed geek ( I have a separate blog catering to that side of me – 9e3k ). Anywho, that bit of background information was necessary, because whilst recapping to 2000’s JP Dutta feature – Refugee, I have made some liberal changes in the name of creativity and the sole purpose of achieving ‘Nirmal Anand’.

Original synopsis: Refugee tells the story of two lovers from either side of the border. Abhishek portrays the lead role of Refugee, an illegal transporter facilitating families to cross the border. And then he falls in love with one of the passengers – Naaz (Kareena Kapoor ). And then they sing, they dance, they face conflicts from the border authorities, and eventually overcome all odds. And oh, she conceives a baby and has the delivery at the Line of Control. And if I can remember correctly, Suniel Shetty ( who plays this Pakistani army dude) names that holy place of delivery – Insaniyatstan. Epic Etymology.

Now with no disrespect to JP Dutta or to the entire team of Refugee, hasn’t that story of love been done a zillion time before? Ok, not a zillion times agreed ( there aren’t as many movies made yet LOL). How about we give Refugee, the much needed booster kick and convert it into an Epic Sci-Fi saga. In four scenes flat.

Scene 1: Lost in the desert between this universe and the other, is our female lead – Bebo.

Bebo cursed by Timelord

Yes, she is cursed by a Timelord. Not Samay ( or Harish Bhimani),  but by a proper Timelord, who sucks out energy from her life-source. That is, the remaining time she has to live, is all converted into KiloJoules of energy, and she is stuck in this time-frame of 4 seconds. Poor girl.

Scene 2 commences after the jump. :)
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Deconstructing: Sheila ki Jawani

Statutory Warning: All events depicted in this post are fictitious and deliciously humorous. If you do believe that these are real, then you should join the OKS Club as a co-writer. If you found this offensive, then please read news websites instead. There’s more offending stuff there to keep you busy.

Lemme begin with a the wise words of the world famous in India, vet Bhatavlekar – It is a true. What is? That Sheila ki Jawani has made me ‘Rumaani’. Thank you, thank you! Just when you thought Munni could not get any more badnaam, Farah and Katrina have teamed up alongside Sunidhi and Vishal to steam up with a chart topper. But enough about that item song. We at OKS control room are more geared up and loaded than ever more. This is all making no sense. It happens when anyone sees the following.

Sheila ki Jawani - Item song of the year

Meanwhile in Delhi, this wasn’t received very well. Especially with Suresh Kalmadi ( citation required). When the word spread about the existence of a certain song dedicated to the Chief Minster’s jawaani, the DMC hosted a big bash in her honour. Picture below.

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