Disclaimer: The intention of this post is not to mar any person’s dignity or self esteem, dead or alive. Its just a piss take and please take it in the best of the spirits. Please don’t sue me. I am not a rich dude. KTHXBAI!

Ok, I am the occasional chick-flick visitor. I have watched the likes of Notting Hill (who hasn’t), Bridget Jones Diary etc etc. On quite a few occasions, I have managed to even like them. Not because of the underlying romance, but because the characterisation was very well dealt with. Be it the failing travel book store owner or the dumped writer who falls for the Portuguese girl or even the dancing Prime Minister (I know you know all those references). Which now brings me to Aisha, an adaptation of Jane Austen’s Emma (as the publicity press releases say) and unofficially copied from Clueless. I have neither read the book, nor seen the Alicia Silverstone movie. So what I write here, is just judging the movie by its own strengths and flaws.

Well you remember the first of the series – Tweeting the Movie – Veer( Part 1 and Part 2) . So here I am, with Chapter 2 – Aisha. Its always fun to take the piss out of movies which make you realise about the two hours of your life that you’ll never get back. And so here I am, spending more than 2 hours to get this post done.
P.S. The language on this post can get a bit too colourful for your taste, if you know what I mean

Hiya @everyone. I am like totally awesome chick.

I like, spend my rich Dad’s hard-earned cash for a living and have nicknamed it ‘Event Management’. How cool! #winwin

And like, I totally dig true love. Its so cute to see MILFs getting hitched with DILFs innit. #AishaIsAwesome Pls RT. kthxbye

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P.S. I like animals, I pretend to like Polo coz its totally upmarket.

Quick, time for an Elle makeover twitpic.

I’m having a hangover from that party I had last night. Hence the glasses.

Also, I can’t remember which movie I am in right now. Is this ‘I Hate Luv Stories’? #hangover

Also, I so love sobbing whilst I watch that Kajol-SRK dancing in the rain scene from K2H2. That movie is my Bible.

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Hiya @everyone. I am Bose, Pinky Bose.

Together with Aisha, we spread the all mighty shallowness of our lives through our devotion to the Elles, Vogues, Chanels and the likes.

We wear shades in the night (just kidding!).

Oh, I love Aisha so much that I’d get my face cloned like her. #scifiTweet

Together, we form the ‘We love Aisha fanclub’ and spend all day long spending money on all kinda.. ooooh shoes!!!

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Myself Shefali from Haryana. I am the Behenji types.

I am like in the big city to find a Dulha for myself, and fall in love, #HayyRabba!!

Doesn’t matter how many times I fool myself falling in ‘love’ with so many men. Oh! I am so confused jee.

Thanks Aisha jee, for making me your project, and transforming me into that…

Here’s my Before and After transform pic. Now watch closely, coz this is going to be more interesting than anything else in this movie.

Some dude will definitely fall for me, hai naa!

P.S. All this was my evil plan, huaahahaa. All this while, when Aisha and everyone else would be busy dealing with all the superficial problems of their shallow lives, I will actually steal the show. Like totally! #ShefaliFTW

And yes, that last tweet was more than 140 characters. I’m awesome!

So, officially, we are the I love Aisha fan club. Any moment now, we’ll start singing – Piya Piya O Piya Piya

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Whilst all of this is happening, the dudes in the movie are suffering from acute deficiency of testosterone.

@Aisha Girl, you need to take life lessons from me. After all, I am Mr.Practical from Wharton and shit.

@AmritaNYReturnGal You did come back due to recession, didn’t you? The black bikini clad sari outfit suits you.

@Aisha You gotta stop trying to fabricate lovey dovey situations aight!

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Oi @Arjun, you need to stop giving me these tips. If I needed those, I’d rather go to Baba Ramdev and start doing Kapaal Bharti. Bloody #InvestmentBanker!!

Oh yes, ’bout the last tweet. These non-creative rational beings, they should be totally eradicated from the face of this earth.

And then, this planet will be filled with people – all of whom are dressed in Armani and #Versace branded garments. How pwetty!

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@Aisha Of course, of course , that’s the life innit.

BTW @Aisha, why have you kept your mouth open so widely? Breathing problems?

Also @Aisha, what’s with those heart shaped glasses.

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Arre nahi yaar @Arjun, my eyes are all drained out by the immense amount of work I have put into nuturing my pink teddy bear all night.

And suno @Arjun, my mouth is open, just in case someone gives me some ‘chanda’ for my next new dress. I am bankrupt now you see.

Where’s mah girls?? Bitches!!! Come to me. #ILoveAishaFanClub

@Shefali Tum ye karo @PinkyBose Tum wo karo

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Naari ka Samman Karo, Mat Uska Apmaan karo !!!

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Man, what am I supposed to do. @Aisha Is  this our first date?

@AmritaNYReturnGal Is this our first… ummmmmm!!!!

Man, what am I supposed to do. Build some more body??

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Enough!!! Enough of all this shallowness. Even I can’t sink LOL.

Time now to hit on that rich @MithaiwallaDude. I know he totally digs Aisha, but still.Shhh!! #EvilPlan

And I know exactly when to ask him out, right after he comes out of the loo, and when I am like almost shitting myself (literally) with the loo roll in my hand. #Twitpic

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Meanwhile, I’ll keep on stealing the thunder from all these bitches.

I’m gonna first fall for Randhir, oh jee am confused.. And then Dhruv, and then.. Arjun.

Ha! The slag from Haryana, that’s what they’ll call me.

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No one steals the thunder of the superbitch, that’s me!!!! Banungi main.. #Bitchwanti

There is just something about beautiful movies that makes them so effortlessly loveable. ‘Antaheen’ is one such movie. And even though it does try to ruin it with some really jittery additions to the narrative, I have failed, quite miserably, in my attempt to not like it. I am in love with this movie and after having watched it twice , I am very sure that it is indeed one of the finest that Bengali cinema has produced in the last couple of years.

There is no single storyline which carries you forward. But writer Shyamal Sengupta’s narrative shuffles between characters and it is their individual slices of life that build the streamlines which finally coalesce to the larger story arc. And Director Anirudhha Roy Chowdhury aces in that. It is a collage of love stories, one which speaks of love in different forms and in varying degrees. So there is Love in the first drops of rain which drench the Kolkata horizon; there is love in the heavy shower which splashes the glass panes; there is love in a random sight such as a kite stuck to a roof antennae. And there is love in the endless wait for a stranger’s call. While ‘Antaheen’ can be accused of high emotional and hopeless romantic exaggeration, it also portrays real life moments with equal ease. Moments of loneliness and mid-life crisis, and moments of unhappiness in marriages.

Speaking of the performances, there is no single stand-out performance which makes you feel completely in awe. Yet, the cast as an ensemble is brilliant. Rahul Bose as Abhik, the hopeless romantic is very credible.

Radhika Apte as Brinda is a breathe of fresh air [ seriously, she is]. Maybe, it’s because of her resemblance to Piggy Chops don’t you think?

Everyone who watches this movie will be left complaining about the under-utilization of Sharmila Tagore.  The most annoying of the lot has to be Shauvik as the corporate honcho – Mr.Mehra. What was that fake accent all about? He is the most artifical of the lot especially with those Scotch sips that he tried hard to fake as if he was enjoying it.

But having said that, what works best here is the duo of real life couple – Aparna Sen and Kalyan Ray as – Paro and Ranjan. Their mid-life crisis, and yet unspoken love is a treat to watch. I believe this is what the Dharmendra and Nafisa Ali jodi actually set out to achieve [ Life in a Metro] but fell short on many accounts.

Don’t think that Antaheen is without its share of flaws. A modern day cop who is very much at ease with tackling arms dealer as much as giving press con appearances is an introvert who’d rather retreat to Virtual chat-rooms talking to his  ”Raat Jaaga Taara”. Okay, very possible. How about the cop who sprouts Jim Morrison while going on a raid? Umm, far fetched, but still Bongs can be quite modern. Err, how about some random product placements – Reliance Money, Reliance Broadband, Star Ananda, Nihar Oil? Oh please, take them out of my face!! You are just ruining a pretty painting and instead sticking company logos on them. Also, the movie’s intro scene when Abhik captures the arms dealer, is supposed to be a proper patrol and not a Reality TV footage caught on candid camera. Agreed? So how the fuck did the News Channel manage to get that footage? I guess just one of those cinematic freedom of creativity.

And any review of Antaheen is incomplete without mentioning the haunting melodies of the soundtrack – all credits to the awesome Shantanu Moitra and the very melodious Shreya Ghoshal. I have been going gaga on twitter about how much I have been playing Jao Pakhi. The rest of the soundtrack is brilliant as well. My other favourites are – Pherari Mon,  Shokal Ashe Na and Muthor Rumaal.

So, in a way, that has been my pitch for Antaheen and you NEED to sit down and watch this. Everything about Antaheen is so very “Korean cinema”. The ambience, the lights, the laid back  dialogues, the silent scenes and the high emotional quotient. Not to forget the impeccable cinematography by Avik Mukhopadhyay [No wonder they named the main protagonist after him]. And yet, when Radhika Apte, Kalyan Ray, Aparna Sen and Rahul Bose appear on the screen and speak in Bengali, it does not feel out of place. Instead, it feels Bangla cinema has always been intended to be this way – modern, contemporary, lively and brilliant. Director Anirudhha Chowdhury’s second movie – Antaheen is a labour of love blended with pleasant colours and extreme romanticism that can make even the most cynical heart melt like wax. To say the least, it truly deserved the National Award.

Don’t read into the title way too much. I’m not here to promote any “substance”. But yes, Dibakar Banerjee’s Love Sex Aur Dhokha aka LSD has the kicks, the oomph and the much awaited spark. He has set the bar yet again to a higher level than his own previous works – Khosla ka Ghosla and Oye Lucky, Lucky Oye.  And I never thought those movies could be ever exceeded. Glad that DeeBee da proved me and many others wrong.

Now before you accuse me of ranting away in true fanboy style about how awesome this movie is, lemme bring home three important points why I loved it so much as I did.

1: This is Real, not Reel:

It is posed to be “Real”. And it has been presented that way. No holds barred, and with zero pretence. Right from the dreamy eyed diploma filmmaker who believes life as a Yash Chopra movie to the chauvinist and cynical betrayer who sets up the cameras in Story 2, it is out there and it grabs you by the nuts. You forget that you are in fact “watching” something being enacted. It transcends the medium of cinema. Much like Cameron’s Pandora suspended our senses with its sheer beauty, LSD succeeds in making me a witness of the three interwoven stories. I felt as if I was a fly on the wall watching the events unfold. And yes, I have watched Paranormal Activity, Cloverfield and Blair Witch as well. And I loved them all.

2: The Love, The Sex and the Dhokha:

A heart-warming tribute to the YashRaj [ Adarniya Adi Chopra Sir!] school of filmmaking deserves nothing less than a big round of applause. Story 1: Mehendi Laga Ke Rakhna was also my favourite of the lot because of its sheer innocence, and the belief of “Arre, Dilwale Hai Hum”. Rahul even has a Freudian slip when he calls Shruti as his “Simran”

The way DeeBee manages to cleverly complete the circuit with the stories as its three key elements is absolutely excellent. And in no way it seems manipulative or forced unlike some flicks e.g. Kukunoor’s Teen Deewarein.

3: Lastly, it’s about the laughs. C’mon it’s a DeeBee film after all:

So we do get our fair share of laughter. DeeBee’s sense of humour has always been about laughing at the gritty details and nuances of life as it is. Be it Shruti’s Papa who still has a thing for acting, or Loki Local’s awesome ringtone. If I continue to write more on it, I’ll just end up revealing key details of the plot which would be wrong.

I know people have been complaining about the movie indulging in foul language and shit. I say fuck that shit! Ramanand Sagar and Rajshri productions do not produce superhits anymore and even Karan Johar movies have Lolo sporting a backless scene [Such a Kurbaani teehee!!].

I could be a true fanboy and just say, Bhai- the script demands it. But no, I won’t clarify or justify it. So fuck that shit. And if you are offended by that, go home, switch to some Saas Bahu Serial and be happy when some Dewarjee has an extra-marital affair with someone else’s Patni and the Naukrani puts rat poison in her tea. Quite ironically, K-Ekta Kapoor is the producer of LSD. But the hero of the film is Director Babu – Dibakar Banerjee. DeeBee da – take a bow. Phaataaphaati!!!

***Yellow Yellow… Dirty Fellow***

Amongst other rhyming lines that Shah Rukh Khan’s Rizvan Khan [ K..khan...from the epiglotis] speaks at important moments across the film, is the one cited above. He is a guy suffering from a certain form of autism, born in Bombay and who goes ahead to marry a single mother – Mandira Rathod [Kajol ]. The fairy-tale continues until Al-Qaida strikes the twin towers, and as Rizvan’s voice-over tells us – world history gets divided into BC, AD and 9/11. Now, Bollywood has churned out some similar half-baked shit in the last couple of months or so. The brown bread entertainer – New York and the crazy accent carrying Om Puri and Kirron Kher love extravaganza – Kurbaan. Oh noes, Kurbaan was supposed to be the movie with the Kareena backless scene. Sorry KJo, I can’t still get over with that funny accent of Kirron Mata. My Name Is Khan tries to get it right from the scratch. It builds up to it, with a perfect setting, a perfect background and then just goes mental. Completely ballistic in a very wrong way. It felt like KJo started this movie as he said – “I was fed up with Bollywood“. By that he meant, he was fed up with the same song-dance routine, the same high ceilings with polished Swarovski crystal chandeliers, Sharmishta Roy art-direction and Manish Malhotra assisting him in styling. And oh, the Sagai, Shaadi, Post Shaadi, Karva Chauth routine. Yes, KJo did seem a bit grown up. But I think he missed his own daal-roti so much, and hence, goes back to the old as the hills  formula – It’s all about loving your parents/ family /neighbour . And he does it while he chews upon as much cheese as the Swiss can manufacture in a year, with as many stereotypical references as possible.

I have some major problems with the movie which makes me question what the likes of Mahapurush – Taran Adarsh jee and Divya Naari – Nikhat Kazmi could see in it to rate it 4.5 star out of 5 and 5 on 5 respectively. But before I dive deeply into the problems, lemme scrape out the good stuff for ya!!

Kajol…Main Sadke Java…!!

Even with a close up of her eyes, with the emerging signs of ageing, there is no doubt about her beauty, screen presence and her awesomeness as a whole. She can do the Bhangra, to the “Mere Aankho ka Taara, Mere Budhhaape ka Sahara” and even make me believe that she’s at heart a bit of a geek. Oh c’mon, didn’t you notice? She quotes Einstein, she bloody knows quite a lot about SF and definitely about the trams being introduced in 1873 in SF and in Kolkata. Geeks #ftw!!!
And above all, she’s the coolest mother one could ask for. She defines Yummy Mummy.

Zarina Wahab.

It’s been ages since we saw her.  Now with her hubby Aditya Pancholi making a scarfaced comeback in Striker, we can only expect good things from her as well. And she doesn’t disappoint us a bit. Big thanks to the casting team for not taking in the other Dharma favorites – Kirron Kher of Maa Da Ladla fame, Sexy Granny Farida Jalal and lastly Rifat Bee – Himani Shivpuri. I can’t really vocalise why I remember her performance so much. Was it her effortless portrayal of a mother’s undying love for her special son? Was it the spark in her eye which gleams as soon as she starts talking about her Rizzu? Or was it simply her motherly advice which comprises of a simple lesson – There are only two types of people in this world – Good and Bad. I think it was all of it. [ I had a bit of a Krantiveer flashback when I saw the - Hindu Kaun, Musalmaan Kaun ]

Now with the long list of my problem with the movie.

It is bloody Stereotypical.

WHYYYYY??? KAIKOOO!!! [ I wish I could do a Naseeruddin Shah impression while asking this question ] WHYYYY??

The premise is serious stuff. The environment that envelopes this movie is damn serious. Then why layer it with all sorts of bloody non-sense stereotypes. Vinay Pathak as Jitesh, the Gujju Motel owner. You see what I am talking about? Yeah, it does not end there.

The whole SRK = God , I mean Mr. Know-It-All, being a cross between John ‘Beautiful Mind’ Nash and Forrest fucking Gump gives me the allergies. He repairs everything. He is miles ahead of Rancho you see. From pressure cooker to automobiles, he can fix ‘em in a chutki. He is a walking encyclopedia and blurts out the history of the bloodline of his Parsi teacher Mr.Wadia. We get it…he’s a bloody genius. Or as Ammee sez: “Bada Tez hai mera Rizzu”. He can’t make a pressure controlled suction pump from a vacuum cleaner, but yes, he can definitely pump out water using a connecting rod, a cycle and some spare pipes. We fucking get it – he is a bloody genius and he’s definitely growing up to become like Sharukh Khan.

In a politically correct world, where we tend to be extra careful about what we say about disability and stuff, I say fuck it. I didn’t like Black. Yes, I’ll say that again. It was a scream fest for me. Big B and Rani and a kid who should never be left in a dark room, all pulling hair, exclaiming at the highest hormonal level possible. SRK’s portrayal of an autistic guy leaves me lukewarm. He neither manages to charm me with his smartness or geeky nature, nor does he make it compelling enough to make me sympathise with him. And definitely not laugh with him at how he sees life. There are lines built into the script which tries hard to show the Forrest Gump in Rizvan; lines like -

Aao Rizvan, Apna Hi Ghar Samjho… Kaise Samjhu, Jab Mera Ghar Nahi hai to..

Log Kehte Kuch Aur Hai, Sochte Kuch aur hai..

[Translation: Welcome Rizvan, Think it as your own house... How should I think so, when it is not mine..

People are strange; they say something, and think of something else]

But these are far too less to bring out the charm in Rizvan’s character.

And seriously, KJO cannot let go his cheese. In a very Forrest Gump-ish fashion, Rizvan sets out on his journey to meet the POTUS [ President of the US]. This takes him from SF to New Mexico to Georgia, where he meets Mama Jenny and her son – Funny Hair Joe.

Stereotype 2 - what the fuck is this era? Georgia seems like a small town set during the Goldrush. Mama Jenny is an all loving, hugging, cooking, church going Mama. And lil Joe – he’ll grow up to be an R&B legend. You hear that Blues in the background, and his fucking’ lungs belting falsetto on “We Shall Overcome”. Man he was good!! He even overcame SRK’s rendition of Hum Honge Kamyaab. Lil Joe is meant to go to American Idol when he turns 16. And wtf was SRK doing, I mean Rizvan Khan doing? Addressing an English-speaking crowd on a Sunday church gathering in Hindi. Yeah that makes complete Khan-sense!!

Stereotype 3 - SRK steps into a University Islamic social gathering for his regular Namaaz, and he quite conveniently finds Dr. Faisal Rahman preaching the message of Allah. Kill me.. Kill me NOW. And then, SRK in his Rizvan-Avatar gives the Sattar minute-version of MNIK. Dude, wo Shaitaan Tha. Huaahahahahaha!!! You’re so pwned. You know what is more lame than that? Rizvan’s brother reporting live on PBC News about Faisal Rahman, so bloody easily.

Stereotype 4 - Hackers are fat, bearded anti-social, caffeine-junkies living in a dark dorm, but still connected with their Gujju roots. Gimme a break!!

Stereotype 5 - Every detained person in the US has to go through freezing conditions and is then subjected to hot temperature. And you know what, that search scene in the movie’s inital 5 minutes, why did it remind me of a similar real-life incident which happened with a dude who looked exactly like Rizwan. His name was also Khan.

One of the biggest blunders I think was the overambitious nature of the movie. It sets out being a story about a man meeting the POTUS to give a message. And it wanders off to becoming a humanitarian film about Saving the Hurricane struck people on the Southern Coast. And wtf ? SRK = GOD again. Where no US troops and rescue missions; even where Brangelina and Bono can’t reach, SRK and his chamche from PBC and Bhaijaan and Bhabijaan help rescue the peeps. With cameos from every possible Indian News channel reporters including Barkha Dutt speaking in Hindi, what was up with that? And please do not get me started with the two President dummies.

I can just go on and on with this. Stuff like SRK being a naughty peeping tom recording on a handycam, flashing Reebok shoes, transforming from a person with intimacy issues to a Sex Guru by just reading a Dummies book and of course scheduling his sexy time [say that once more..Sexy Time in a Borat voice]. And you know what, I did not dislike the movie as much when I started this post. But now having written so much about what bugged me, I think I dislike it more, and then some more.

You know KJo, there are two types of movies – Good movies which are Good. Bad movies – which are Bad. MNIK swings more towards being Bad, but who the fuck cares. It’s already bringing in the moola innit!

*** Gave me the Sunshine.. of Seasons Past***

Warning: This is not a review of 3 idiots. And sometimes the language in this post could be a tad colourful for your taste.

I am a child of the eighties. Unlike the children of the late Nineties or the Noughties, who grew up with Satellite TV and alternative career choices, my options were limited. I never clearly knew what I wanted to do. Maybe I don’t know still. I was good in Maths. I hated blood and dissecting frogs, and I wanted to travel outside my hometown, maybe work somewhere in a city in India or even abroad. I have 3 cousins who are Engineers, and hence my parents were keen enough to make me one. And so I became one. All of this sums me up as a blend of Raju, Farhaan and Rancho – our three protagonists of 3 idiots. And hence, unlike “reviewers” who would compare this with Munnabhai B.Tech [with certainly no idea of what they're talking about], I feel deeply connected with this movie in a very obvious way. I have gone through that phase of peer pressure, fear of failure, coping with parental expectations and above all, the struggle between the safe-route naukri routine and the true calling in one’s self. I have a confession to make – I became a Mechanical engineer not because I was fascinated about Machines or autombiles, but because it ensured a better and a secured future. [ #Fact: Majority of Mechanical and Civil Engineers get recruited by IT services MNC's, or go ahead with yet another struggle called CAT]. And yes, although I am not proud of my decision that I never gave enough room for my own interest in music, movies or writing which surely doesn’t match my Mechanical Engg degree [or my Masters in Operational Research], it certainly pays off my bills and in a way they make me happy. Yes, I am materialistic, who’s not?

But let’s not ramble around like this, and get back to the movie. The world of 3 idiots set in a certain Imperial College of Engineering is typical of any Engineering college campus. The water tank aka ‘Tanki’ is reminiscent of the one that was in my campus. Of course, we had a biological name for it And like non-living objects, we had nicknames for each and every character we found as worthy of being termed as a characteristic. So similar to the movie which has Chatur the Silencer, we had a Silent Killer, a DOPA [Dean of P@ndy Affairs] and also Remix King [I wish he's reading this] who was responsible to add his wicked non-veg remixes to popular Bolly numbers [shining examples being Behra Piya Bada Bedardi, Hilake Pilake- Sharara Sharara and something that I can't write about in public but I can certainly reveal that it is based on Tushar Kapoor's Is Pyaar Ko Main Kya Naam Duu]. Although I wasn’t at all as competitive as Chatur, I did know an awful lot of people who were the ulta-cramming machines like Chatur, but quite ironically, would never top the class. And amongst others, I also had a couple of mates who would spend late nights until the wee hours of the morning playing cards or multi-player games and still score the highest marks. Typical Ranchos they were. And also a world which had the multi-tasking Millimeter, the Mega-Byte and Giga-Bytes And for such obvious reasons that the movie brought all these memories back to me in a gush, I loved it. Not just a bit, but a whole lot.

Of course, 3 idiots has its share of flaws of being totally over-the-top bollywood melodrama with the main hero going straight for the director’s daughter who looks like Bebo. Oh yeah, it was inspired from that book, but there’s an explanation to that. Rancho says Peeya’s mum should’ve been a looker and explains – Have you seen your dad? The melodrama and Bolly masala continues with the lukewarm chemistry between Rancho and Peeya which actually acts as a distraction to the main plotline. Not to forget the scene that I despise – The now infamous – online tutored – video conferenced – delivery scene with the aid of pressure controlled vacuum cleaner with special mention of YouTube. Not to forget Boman Irani’s portrayal of the velcro shirt wearing, time-efficient director who has a power-nap and a shave simultaneously while tuning into Opera music is although a bit OTT, I can certainly vouch for similar characters profs who have similar extreme deviant behaviour. And yeah, yeah I am well aware of the comparison of Jadoo ki Jhappi and Gandhigiri to Aaall izz Well!! But does that really bother you? Really?

But I am not complaining at all. For what it is worth, 3 idiots is a gem of a movie. It has its heart at the right place. Sharman Joshi had impressed us previously with his crackling portrayal of Sukhi (Range de Basanti) and in 3 idiots, he brings back that very innocence, and the vulnerability in the character of Raju. Extra browie points for Raju Hirani and Abhijat Joshi to have condensed Raju’s family background in a Bollywood vintage showreel montage. That was ROFL stuff. And Farhaan’s story narrated in the skin by Madhavan was just spot on. From his 1st minute-on-earth expectation load given by his Abba, to his effortlessly expressive acting, he is a breeze to watch. And of course 44-year old Aamir Khan playing a late teens guy [yes not twenties duh! We enter Engineering in our late teens, to clarify everyone who have been talking about 44 yr old Aamir playing a twenty something] is a funtoosh character. Someone should probably make “The Curious Case of Ever-Young Fair n Lovely Aamir Khan” someday And for people who find it hard to believe that a single guy can dance, sing, make hovering copter models, not care about studying late nights, romancing the leading lady, and yet emerge triumphant with the mark-sheet – lemme just say, there are such mahapurush in every batch of every department of every effin Engineering college.

And although the movie was replete with age-old jokes of students bribing gods for their results, or the paper-mixing joke or the one about -how does an induction motor start, it still makes me chuckle. And even no cynical bastard can fail to do so. Most importantly I’d like to applaud Raju Hirani for making a bold statement about the state of the Indian education system which is more stressed on the mark-sheet rather than the ‘kaabiliyat’ [ability]. I cannot disassemble an automobile engine, and my 96% marks in Machine design certainly should only remain true on paper. But I am not sure about Engineering colleges demanding text-book definitions rather than the basic concept. This is more of a high-school norm. I was wishing though that I do get to see a bit of the Kota community, FIITJEE and Bansal classes story which leads these bhains-bakri people to Imperial College. That’d been an interesting 2 minute lead to their college joining.

Chatur’s obsession with becoming successful in terms of material possessions is a harsh truth that I find in myself. Yes, in Fight Club style, we try to evaluate ourselves in terms of an Ikea catalogue by the amount of Vintage Wine we have at home, the marble flooring, the Swiss watch we wear, or the gadgets we have but hardly have an effing clue how to use. It was funny to see how Chatur remembered about a 10 year old challenge and comes back to show how much he has achieved. Some people are bloody competitive. The other side of Chatur being a complete misfit in a Hindi speaking population has been awesomely portrayed by Omi Vaidya. His confusion over the proper usage of gender with Hindi is typical and funny and not exaggeration to a bit. And that’s because he does not say Aiiyo before every line, and still manages to makes me wet my pants everytime he says -Mootra Visarjan

But that’s enough of me ranting about the movie. Engineer or not – you should go watch this movie. Thanks to Raju and Abhijat Joshi to have written a wonderful story and to have borrowed just a limited bit from the book. Thanks for an awesome Intermission and for a zippy cameo by Javed Jaffri. Thanks to Shantanu Moitra for giving all the engineers a new anthem – Give Me Some Sunshine, Give Me Some Rain, Give Me Another Chance, I wanna grow up once again, and of course to Shaan and Shantanu to have given us – Behti Hawa Sa Tha Woh. Every time the lines – Yaar Humara Tha Wo- appears, I get reminded of the many friends I have lost contact with, with whom I have spent a whole lotta sleepless nights, drinking, watching horrible B-grade movies, playing Need For Speed or Unreal Tournament, or bunking classes and tormenting juniors to write our assignments. 3 idiots succeded in bringing back all those memories in just a matter of a couple of minutes. And for that reason alone, I declare it as Bloody Brilliant!!

And to conclude, I dedicate this post, to my lovely mates from college. A picture to share – captured on the day of my last exam of final semester. No points for guessing that guy in the middle. And for the record – no matter what – Mechs Rock!!!!

I know it is a pretty lame statement to begin a post with but let me just get done with it. Rocket Singh is genuinely a ‘hatke’ movie. In a year choke-full of Bollywood formula of OTT high budgeted failures like Blue,Kambaqht Ishk, multistarrer flops -Main Aur Mrs Khanna, London Dreams and cinematic blunders -Chandi Chowkh, What’s Your Rashee – it seems like Bollywood needs reminding of the infamous line from matrix -There is NO spoon [ The spoon being a metaphor for formula]. Rocket Singh -without any form of exaggeration, is one of those movies which fall beyond the Venn diagram of Bollywood formula.
There is no Boy meets girl or Judaai waale gaane. There is no Pakka Khooni or Chor, neither is there any Dil Churane Wala. Rocket Singh subtly brings across mild memories of Boiler Room’s heated corporate sales talk in a believable Mumbai office and does not fail to charm throughout its length. Much of it certainly belongs to the spot on portrayal of Sardarji HP Singh by Sadda Kapoor -Ranbir and his Dadaji by none other than Prem, Prem Chopra.

Of course, Rocket Singh is not an easy watch and neither is it spoon feeding storytelling. Woven wonderfully and quite smartly into the tale is a myriad of quirky characters typical to a sales workplace. So you have the chaalu maal receptionist [Gauhar Khan], the cup-plate Peon Mishra jee and the ever-horny Gulti [as in Telegu] geek who for some reason keeps himself entertained by watching PG-13 images on his monitor rather than exploring the real deal. After all, this is a Yash Raj movie. And to complain some more, we have the lame, lamer, lamest sideburns and muchhee for Nitin and Boss Puri. Seems like the entire make-up budget got exhausted by the time they did Randir’s turban. But these are minor complaints which are fast gone by the time you get settled into this imaginary Mumbai. And by imaginary, I mean Mumbai without Taxis and traffic jam, and Computer Bazaar which scream out Delhi’s Nehru Place where ‘Pinter LeserJet and All Mobails Made in China’ are sold just doors away from Kaviraj Nirodh’s Dawakhana.

On a serious note, Jaideep Sahni’s story talks of the sales workforce which is hungry for reaching targets and where there is no wrong or right way to achieve them. There are only successes or failures in which a business can be evaluated and apparently, services is a no man’s land. This is quite a contradictory topic to indulge into when in reality, India stands as the torch bearer of the Customer Services Industry [Hello, we got all them call centres remember, rolling their R's and speaking in stiff upper lips]. Ok, so we limit ourselves to a specific Computer Sales firm -AYS which has Service in its name, but does not provide any. It’s only about meeting the targets. And the big Managing Diro Puri makes not one but two rookie mistakes -taught in Module 1, Day 1 of Operations Management – Do not expand beyond your Service Area. So, a MacDonald’s should not try and customize its Menu and try to become a restaurant, and rather should stick to its fast delivery formula, and vice versa. The second mistake that Mr.Puri makes is what was seen during the HP-Compaq merger, when HP, impressed by the sales figures of Compaq and its revolutionary personal computers acquired Compaq, just to fire the people who made it revolutionary. The IT industry is replete with such stories of mergers and acquisitions, and we get just a glimpse of that in Rocket Singh.

I am quite confused about where the heart of the story lies and what message it conveys. I can see a hardworking bloke who is unhappy by the way sales business forces him to be unethical to climb higher in the ladder. So he decides to defy the system, and with collaboration of a roadside vendor starts selling assembled PCs and hey, that’s not all. He also thinks that for half the amount of the market price, he can profitably provide 24/7 customer service. That’s a bit far fetched but it doesn’t stop there. Mr.Entrepreneur wants the helpline to be routed through AYS’ reception desk. Dude! You are a CEO in the making and you own a bloody cellphone. Which also attracts attention to the biggest flaw of the movie – Where the hell have all the cellphones gone? It is a sales movie, and people in sales cannot live without cellphone unless they were in the 80s. And please don’t tell me that the movie was based before Jerry Maguire when Mr.Giri enjoys high speed downloads.

Now, I have been ranting a lot about this movie. But don’t get me wrong. I have been complaining about these aspects because I really cared about it. The plot engaged me, and more than that, the characters were very well etched out. I did give a damn about the various developments in the plot and I felt sorry when Mishra jee got back to making tea after the fraud was caught. I cheered when Mishra jee exclaims and warns Nitin that he’d transform the Idli into an Idla and do something really rude to him. And most importantly, I was pleasantly surprised by the absence of an indulgent candy-floss romance between HP and the entrepreneur chick.

The entire credit goes to the writing team for making the characters speak in a language which actually exists in the real world. Although I didn’t get to hear any flavour of Punjabi in Ranbir’s speech, I wasn’t disappointed by Dada-G Prem Chopra’s ever caring character who is always game for a Pizza over Dal and Aloo Sabzee. Geek Nocturnal Gulti -Giri who wants no Kirkiri is the epitome of well written characterization and awesome portrayal. And yes, I can vouch for the necessity of a Gulti guy in every IT Company. It has been long since we have seen such lively characters, since well, Khosla ka Ghosla [also written by Jaideep Sahni].

And to speak of Ranbir, I can only praise him in this brave role which makes him shed all of his commercial make-up, and get behind that beard and walk the walk, talk the talk and drive that Scooty. His mannerisms and his confidence makes him stand out and he deserves to be included in this year’s best male performances beside -Abhay Deol [Dev D] and Shahid Kapoor [Kaminey] . And finally, not to forget Gauhar Khan who scorches the screen with her oomphy dialogues more than her oomphy screen presence. She deserves more dialogue and has shown that unlike other pinup girls and calender girls, she definitely can act.

It has been a welcome break for my blogging to have emerged out of the X Factor liveblogging arena, and it has been an awesome Bollywood movie to start this break. What did you think of -Rocket Singh? Shout it out in the comments.
P.S. I’ll be watching Avatar next weekend on IMAX in 3D. Yes people, I effin MAX on 3D. So, better expect a massive fandom post soon. Cheerio!

I recently caught this flick – Chori Chori – starring Ajay Devgan and Rani Mukherjee on Star Gold. I had originally given it a miss when it was released in 2003, coz the vibe that the movie’s publicity and trailers generated didn’t attract me. Except for the promotional – emo ride that is – Aate Aate Aa Gaye Paas Hum, the trailers did not offer much. And a few years later, I caught a glimpse of the first 10 minutes of the movie again on Star Gold [ when I was back in India], and to see Khushi (Rani) lead a solitary and independent life in Delhi as a catering agent , being an orphan and raised by her Taau and Taae, and one who talks to her monkey called Jonathon – all of it summed up to me as a female version of Mr.Bean. But then, Rani is far more pretty (with no offence to Mr. Rowan Atkinson ).

And then, I read Memsaab sing praise of this flick in her review. And so I knew that I had to watch it. For the sake of Rani. And so I did. And to be honest, I wasn’t moved but pleasantly entertained.

Well, let’s just spit out the bad ones. To begin with, I love rom-coms. But Chori Chori gets a bit OTT cheesy ( In my tweet to Beth, I wrote: Chori Chori is the place where all the cheese was moved to ). Khushi’s Taaujee worries that she is very generous, and assures her that

” Koi Shehzada Aayega Tere Liye Safed Ghode Pe”.

Translation: Some Prince will come for you on a White Horse
In the real world, if I hear anyone’s Taujee say so, I’d seriously throw up. But then, this is Sadda Bollywood. The far-fetched plot of an orphan girl from Delhi picking up all her bag and baggage and shifting to Simla on the basis of a rough sketch on a tissue is just silly and way too convenient. And not to forget, Khushi staying at her supposed-fiance’s place even with a traditional joint family like the Malhotra’s with their Babuji and Maaji and Beeji – is a bit too liberal. Or should I say – Way to go Beeji. And then the family meeting session was like a lesson of – Unity in Diversity: Sardars, Mullahs and Babuji

Last but not the least, the silly characters which keep popping up – Satish Shah as an Architecture Firm honcho and ex- Military Officer – loud drinker, smoking cigars and just unnecessary. And Sadashiv and Shashikala as the drinking weirdos in army uniform is unheard of. They don’t even tickle me.

Enough of the cringing and whining. Time for the good stuff. First up – Ajay Devgan. Baba, he plays confused really well. He’s certainly confused about who he actually loves and what he aspires for. All throughout the movie, the house was a metaphor of the man in Ranbir ( Ajay ) which gets decorated and groomed by Khushi. And in the end, it is finished , I mean completed. [ Was that a Spoiler? C'mon this is 2003 movie] Add to that Sonali Bendre as Ranbir’s ex is just spot on. Sonali exudes confidence in this role and shows – Less is More, and no, for a change I am not talking of her clothes. She has very few scenes compared to others, but her character has been well defined and her confusion, desperation and jealousy are all on screen with spot on clarity.

But the crown of the movie goes to Rani Mukherjee. After all the sillyness that the movie’s premise packs, it is only Rani’s impeccable charm and craziness that makes me forget about everything else and which actually made this movie entertaining. I love watching her smile, and my heart melts to see her cry. Her innocence is rightly matched with her naughty side – when she performs Haai Sharmau, Kis Kisko Batau in her green towel. And oh, – Kaanta Laga too.

As for the soundtrack of the movie – it is only two tracks which are mentionable -
1. Aate Aate, Aaa Gaye Paas Hum
2. Mehndi Mehndi
And Tiku Talsania paying tribute to Padosan’s immortal Guru (played by Kishore Kumar remember?) in a Baangdu role made me chuckle. But the same character singing Qawwali in an Adnan Sami voice is quite hilarious, and not in a good way .
All in all, this was a fun movie to watch, and it did deliver what it was supposed to – Entertainment. Watch it – for Rani, Rani and Rani.

Love Aaj Kal is Film#3 for writer-director Imtiaz Ali. He has already impressed me with his dew-fresh dialogues in Socha Na Tha, and his excellently executed Jab We Met. But when film studios start backing you up with larger budget scales and more foreign locales instead of the streets of Ratlaam, things can get a bit haywire. That’s the problem for Love Aaj Kal. It seems like a Project gone not awfully wrong, but one which just about manages to stay afloat due to a very wrong management and yes, very wrong selection of resources – ie Deepika. When you upscale the scope of the project, I believe, you should upscale the requirements from the resources – [ in this case, I think *anyone* but Deepika could've served this well, how bout Sonam Kapoor..humri Bittu *wink* *wink*]. Enough of the parallel comparison with Project Management, let’s get down with the review. Shall we?

Love Aaj Kal is an ordinary idea which tries too hard to be intelligent. At the core of it, sits a story which is utterly predictable. But nevertheless, its charming in its own way. It tells the tale of love in todays world where relationships take a back seat and careers take over our lives. Of breakups being celebrated in a party, and of long-distance calls. Does Long Distance relationships work? The main protagonist Jai [Saif] doesn’t think so, and so does Meera [Deepika]. And so they decide on breaking up amicably. But an old guy called Veer Singh [ Rishi Kapoor] interrupts, reminding him that Love is not about giving up, and it happens only once. He narrates him a tale of his own love story – love as it was in the yesteryears, in true sepia tone, and which spans across Delhi to Calcutta, travelling in a general compartment on Indian Railways. And I might be a bit cynical to say it, but here’s my problem. Why doesn’t dude Jai just try to stop Mr.Veer Singh from coming on to him? Just say it- back off!! And Veer Singh pushes quite a lot.

The interesting depiction of the young Veer Singh as Saif itself is quite intelligent, as both Saif and Rishi imagine of the young Veer Singh to look like Mr Khan. Another major problem; Saif’s Punjabi accent is awful. He kinda reminds me more of Langda Tyagi than a Sardar. But surprisingly though, the yesteryears romance is the highlight of the movie. Surprising because, you expect in an Imtiaz Ali movie, the dialogues would be the ones which keep the movie rolling. But with the least of dialogues, and making the silence do the talking, the chemistry between Veer and Harleen shines through effortlessly. Harleen [ some Brazilian model called Giselle Monteiro] is as shy as a touch-me-not and Veer’s undying love for him is beautifully depicted in a wonderfully written scene, when Veer travels all the way from Delhi to Calcutta, just to stare at the window, waiting for Harleen to appear. He brings her favourite mithai, and she hides behind her Dupatta, Veer’s favorite liquor tea. The setting is picturesque – Uttam Kumar posters in the backdrop, and unpainted Pujo Murtis, and of course, green shutter windows. Can it be more Calcutta? Set-design – Bravo!

But as much as the yesteryear’s love story dazzled, the today’s love story fizzed away like an open can of Coke. Lemme just say it, don’t care if it sounds harsh. Deepika cannot act to save her life. She just can’t, period! More to add to this one is an utterly predictable plot of boy separating from girl to go into another relationship, drifting away to find his materialistic goals just to finally realise his true love for her. Ugh! Slap me. HARDER. And all this realisation takes place in an extremely stupid fashion. A brawl at the dark alley in San Fransisco makes Jai realise that he loves Meera. Hmmm. Feels like remembering that only God can help, when Ajit Agarkar and Anil Kumble are on the pitch, in an India vs. Pakistan match with 6 balls remaining and 10 runs to win the match. In the same way, Jai remembers Meera,..oh, it must be you!! Makes me cringe.

As for the tracks, I think most of them have been used as an ornament and quite distractingly so. I never liked the Twist track, and I don’t still. Chorbazari is quite catchy I must say, and so is Aahu Aahu. But the best track of the album is Aaj Din Chadheya. Rahat Fateh Ali Khan’s vocals are to die for. Unlike Jab We Met, where the tracks appear more like a part of the narrative, the tracks here appear as jutting out of the storyline and hits you on the face. Such a shame. Last but not the least, Imtiaz Ali’s forte has always been his dialogue. It breathes life into even the dullest of characters. But here it seems a bit overdone. The Hinglish is a bit hammed up, and feels like too much effort has been made to add words like ‘ Pile-On’ and ‘Angle’ and stuff. Yes, the dialogues are a bit ticklish at some situations, I do agree, but nothing more than that. May be I am still not over the fact which I mentioned earlier. Did I say it loud enough? Deepika cannot act. Even Saif looks a bit shitty standing next to her. I did not like his confused, chattering portrayal, at all. I’d prefer his Mr.confused Sameer in Dil Chahta Hai anyday. What saves us all from this sinking ship is Rishi Kapoor’s honest enactment of Veer Singh, and of course the cameo which left a smile on my face. Should I just say it? Screw it. Neetu Singh makes a cameo in the climax. There you go. I said it. Watch it for the cameo, Rishi Kapoor and yes, the Calcutta scene. You can totally wait for the DVD, shouldn’t be long.

Rating: 3 out of 10 – For Harleen [ past and present ], Veer Singh Sr. and Aaj Din Chadhheya