Disclaimer: The intention of this post is not to mar any person’s dignity or self esteem, dead or alive. Its just a piss take and please take it in the best of the spirits. Please don’t sue me. I am not a rich dude. KTHXBAI!

Ok, I am the occasional chick-flick visitor. I have watched the likes of Notting Hill (who hasn’t), Bridget Jones Diary etc etc. On quite a few occasions, I have managed to even like them. Not because of the underlying romance, but because the characterisation was very well dealt with. Be it the failing travel book store owner or the dumped writer who falls for the Portuguese girl or even the dancing Prime Minister (I know you know all those references). Which now brings me to Aisha, an adaptation of Jane Austen’s Emma (as the publicity press releases say) and unofficially copied from Clueless. I have neither read the book, nor seen the Alicia Silverstone movie. So what I write here, is just judging the movie by its own strengths and flaws.

Well you remember the first of the series – Tweeting the Movie – Veer( Part 1 and Part 2) . So here I am, with Chapter 2 – Aisha. Its always fun to take the piss out of movies which make you realise about the two hours of your life that you’ll never get back. And so here I am, spending more than 2 hours to get this post done.
P.S. The language on this post can get a bit too colourful for your taste, if you know what I mean

Hiya @everyone. I am like totally awesome chick.

I like, spend my rich Dad’s hard-earned cash for a living and have nicknamed it ‘Event Management’. How cool! #winwin

And like, I totally dig true love. Its so cute to see MILFs getting hitched with DILFs innit. #AishaIsAwesome Pls RT. kthxbye

——————————————————————————————————————–

P.S. I like animals, I pretend to like Polo coz its totally upmarket.

Quick, time for an Elle makeover twitpic.

I’m having a hangover from that party I had last night. Hence the glasses.

Also, I can’t remember which movie I am in right now. Is this ‘I Hate Luv Stories’? #hangover

Also, I so love sobbing whilst I watch that Kajol-SRK dancing in the rain scene from K2H2. That movie is my Bible.

——————————————————————————————————————–

Hiya @everyone. I am Bose, Pinky Bose.

Together with Aisha, we spread the all mighty shallowness of our lives through our devotion to the Elles, Vogues, Chanels and the likes.

We wear shades in the night (just kidding!).

Oh, I love Aisha so much that I’d get my face cloned like her. #scifiTweet

Together, we form the ‘We love Aisha fanclub’ and spend all day long spending money on all kinda.. ooooh shoes!!!

——————————————————————————————————————–

Myself Shefali from Haryana. I am the Behenji types.

I am like in the big city to find a Dulha for myself, and fall in love, #HayyRabba!!

Doesn’t matter how many times I fool myself falling in ‘love’ with so many men. Oh! I am so confused jee.

Thanks Aisha jee, for making me your project, and transforming me into that…

Here’s my Before and After transform pic. Now watch closely, coz this is going to be more interesting than anything else in this movie.

Some dude will definitely fall for me, hai naa!

P.S. All this was my evil plan, huaahahaa. All this while, when Aisha and everyone else would be busy dealing with all the superficial problems of their shallow lives, I will actually steal the show. Like totally! #ShefaliFTW

And yes, that last tweet was more than 140 characters. I’m awesome!

So, officially, we are the I love Aisha fan club. Any moment now, we’ll start singing – Piya Piya O Piya Piya

——————————————————————————————————————–

Whilst all of this is happening, the dudes in the movie are suffering from acute deficiency of testosterone.

@Aisha Girl, you need to take life lessons from me. After all, I am Mr.Practical from Wharton and shit.

@AmritaNYReturnGal You did come back due to recession, didn’t you? The black bikini clad sari outfit suits you.

@Aisha You gotta stop trying to fabricate lovey dovey situations aight!

——————————————————————————————————————–

Oi @Arjun, you need to stop giving me these tips. If I needed those, I’d rather go to Baba Ramdev and start doing Kapaal Bharti. Bloody #InvestmentBanker!!

Oh yes, ’bout the last tweet. These non-creative rational beings, they should be totally eradicated from the face of this earth.

And then, this planet will be filled with people – all of whom are dressed in Armani and #Versace branded garments. How pwetty!

——————————————————————————————————————–

@Aisha Of course, of course , that’s the life innit.

BTW @Aisha, why have you kept your mouth open so widely? Breathing problems?

Also @Aisha, what’s with those heart shaped glasses.

——————————————————————————————————————–

Arre nahi yaar @Arjun, my eyes are all drained out by the immense amount of work I have put into nuturing my pink teddy bear all night.

And suno @Arjun, my mouth is open, just in case someone gives me some ‘chanda’ for my next new dress. I am bankrupt now you see.

Where’s mah girls?? Bitches!!! Come to me. #ILoveAishaFanClub

@Shefali Tum ye karo @PinkyBose Tum wo karo

——————————————————————————————————————–

Naari ka Samman Karo, Mat Uska Apmaan karo !!!

——————————————————————————————————————–

Man, what am I supposed to do. @Aisha Is  this our first date?

@AmritaNYReturnGal Is this our first… ummmmmm!!!!

Man, what am I supposed to do. Build some more body??

——————————————————————————————————————–

Enough!!! Enough of all this shallowness. Even I can’t sink LOL.

Time now to hit on that rich @MithaiwallaDude. I know he totally digs Aisha, but still.Shhh!! #EvilPlan

And I know exactly when to ask him out, right after he comes out of the loo, and when I am like almost shitting myself (literally) with the loo roll in my hand. #Twitpic

——————————————————————————————————————–

Meanwhile, I’ll keep on stealing the thunder from all these bitches.

I’m gonna first fall for Randhir, oh jee am confused.. And then Dhruv, and then.. Arjun.

Ha! The slag from Haryana, that’s what they’ll call me.

——————————————————————————————————————–

No one steals the thunder of the superbitch, that’s me!!!! Banungi main.. #Bitchwanti

Now we have had the Guitar as a symbol of uber-coolness and what Anu Malik would point out as “The X-Factor” in a dude, or even in a dudette. Bollywood has always tried to incorporate this instrument of uber-coolness into the character of our main protagonists on whose responsible shoulders, lies the responsibility of carrying the ‘cool’ load. But more often than not, these shoulders tend to slip and the rather than looking like a confident weight lifter, they often tend to look like a malnutrition patient in an Atlas position [really horrible analogy I know]. Well, after all, our Bollywood heroes are not really good guitarists- not until Saif Ali Khan came into the scene and showed how it’s done [ just have a look at Piyu Bole for example, and you'll know what I mean ]. Neither can they mimic as passable mock rockers.

Now I am a Guitar Hero addict, and cannot play a single song on the Guitar except for a few bass riffs. And whenever I see these Bollywood ‘Guitar Heroes’ scoring with the chicks as they strum their fingers on the strings in a fashionable way which is miles away from the actual tune being played [ or sometimes they even don't bother to strum ], my blood boils [ a literal translation of a Hindi proverb : Khoon Khaulta Hai Mera ]. So, to take my revenge, here I list down 10 of those big criminals who have tormented me in many a nightmares in their horrible avatars.

Behold for the Guitar Villains of Bollywood

10. Bharat Bhushan – Tum Bin Jaau Kaha ( Pyar Ka Mausam ).

The confidence with which Bharat Bhushan jee strums that little Ukelele-ish instrument with his right pinky sticking out deserves a thousand claps. And he completely melts his wife with his music. Now, it’s a different argument that his wife is none other than Nirupa Roy. I love this song, and Kishore da’s falsetto is impeccable. But Bharat jee’s guitar skills are .. let’s not really go deep into it. [Video Link: Tum Bin Jaau Kaha ]Shall we move on to the next one

9. Biswajeet – Lakho Hai Yaha Dilwale ( Kismat )

Now, this is a song from that era of Bollywood which was washed away by the Beatles and Elvis wave. The jacket, the bow tie, the tight trousers, the high heeled pointed shoes and most noticeably, a club environment where a band accompanies our Guitar dude. Mohd. Rafi used to be the weapon of choice, but this song has Mahendra Kapoor on the vocals. So far so good. Until they decided that the dude will be – Biswajeet.  The accompanying band is called – The Monkeys, and no wonder the lead vocalist dances like that [ watch the video, man, I dare you, I double dare you not to laugh ]. And then, just when you thought he couldn’t do it better, he goes hands free [ near 0: 55 in the video ]. And then, back to the dance. ROFL.

8. Tariq – Aapke Kamre Main ( Yaadon Ki Baarat )

I friggin love this song. It has so much Panchamda’s awesomeness filled to the brim. And Kishore da and Asha jee have just done some chummeshwari performance on this song. But as always, there is a big Haddi in this Kebab. And that is the Guitar maestro’s killer onscreen solos. Now, I really don’t know where to begin and in fact, I am quite at loss of words here. To compare this with Biswajeet’s song, I think Tariq’s performance is almost 10 times the Ridic factor of the previous one. If you think I am exaggerating, try and watch this one out here [ video: Aapke Kamre Mein ]

7. Tariq (again) – Chand Mera Dil ( Hum Kisi Se Kam Nahi )

Again, one of Panchamda’s spellbinding medleys [ which includes an 'inspired' Mamma Mia' ] which begins with a very lovey-dovey ballad – Chand Mera Dil on the guitar. And Tariq kills it – yet again. Oh the shades, the bell bottoms and the hair. Hahahaaha!!!!! What about the guitar? Screw the guitar. Heroes are too awesome to play it right. The left hand never moves a spot, and even then, awesomeness is delivered intact. [ Video here: Chand Mera Dil ]

6. Amitabh Bachchan – Disco Bhangra ( Ganga Jamuna Saraswati )

Now, I haven’t seen this movie. And I was introduced to this by Her Highness Pitu Jee on twitter. And it stayed in my head for quite a long time. It is possibly the inspiration behind this post. Yes, it is THAT ridiculous. Big B in leather (think MJ in Bad) , with an acoustic guitar , and dancing to yes – Disco AND Bhangra. You never thought it would have been possible in this life. Well, that is why he’s Big B. Oh, not to forget there’s Meenakshi Seshadri dancing in a Banjara outfit, and some really fugly extras and to top it all – Mohd. Aziz on the vocals. Hang on, I need to link the video [ Video: Disco Bhangra ] You have to pay real good attention to the lyrics [ 2:55 ]- Dance Dikhaunga Aisa – Michael Jackson Jaisa [ Please note how Aby does the crotch move ].

5. Sharukh Khan and his chicks – Koi Mil Gaya ( Kuch Kuch Hota Hai )

I really hate Mohabbatein, and I wanted to include that whole violin thing he does in the movie. But my friend convinced me, that its technically not a Guitar. And since this post is about Guitar, I had to find the next worst thing. So, after intensive research, I found this grave crime being committed by King Khan in KJo’s K2H2. I love this song..I really do. But Rani starts playing the Guitar on a bass riff – possibly it’s a Bass guitar. And SRK just takes the same guitar and belts out a cracking tone from a proper Electric Guitar. Wrong baby Wrong. [Video Link: Koi Mil Gaya ]

And it doesn’t stop there. All those babes with those guitars; they don’t even know how to properly hold it. I know, I know! It’s just a part of the props department in Farah Khan’s brilliant college choreography, and visually it looks quite fun, but since we are digging in deep into technicality, this one gets a #FAIL rating. Sorry, I didn’t make the rules

4. Hrithik Roshan – Chand Sitaare ( Kaho Na Pyar Hai )

It is a sin to carry around a guitar as a friggin prop when the song does not have a single note of the guitar. Crimes like these have been committed by Jugal Hansraj as well [ in Ghar Se Nikalte Hi - Papa Kehte Hai ]. But that movie isn’t big enough to qualify. This one’s a late 90′s blockbuster. So, the dude gets out of his friggin boat, stretches out his arms, with his left one holding an acoustic guitar. Then the song begins [ after an initial KLPD episode]. And the dude ditches the guitar to move towards the chick and do some Bollywood routine dance coz – Taaza Taaza Kali Kheeli Hai, HUm Uske Deewane Hai. Sucka! [Video Link:  Chaand Sitaare ]

3. Salman Khan – O O Jaane Jana (Pyar Kiya To Darna Kya )

Desi dudes like Salman bhaiya will never be able to appreciate the fine art of guitaring. We get a sample of this in one those songs which every desi dude will try to learn in the very first month of learning to play the guitar. This was a rage when it came out, and when I saw the picturisation, I was disappointed. Salman bhai gives a shot of his muscle-wallah back, and then gives an about turn with the words – I Love You All. And then we get to see, he’s not playing the guitar at all. Whilst he finishes his intro dialogue, the accompanying dancers of Ganesh Hegde Dance Company show their synchronicity. And then Salman Bhai exclaims – Hit It, and friggin throws the guitar to an extra – a friggin extra who never gets to see the light of the day again. You tell me, Ye Kahaa Ka Insaaf Hai ??? [ How is this meant to be justice] [Video Link: O O Jaane Jana ]

2. Rahul Roy – Saanso Ki Zaroorat Hai (Aashiqui)

Yes, another one of those classic Bollywood guitar songs. I don’t know where to begin. Just have a look at this clip and decide for yourself [ Video Link: Saanso Ki Zaroorat Hai] . Just to remind, this is an era where Deepak Tijori still exists on the big screen. Even though, he commits himself to the sidekick role for eternity until Tushar Kapoor comes for the rescue.

But to top it all – the Sartaaj of all Guitar crimes is committed by the King of the Bollywood Guitar villains…and he is…..Wait for it…..

KAKAJEE…!!!

1. Rajesh Khanna and Mithun jr. – Goro Ki Naa Kaalo Ki (Disco Dancer )

I swear man. This video defies all musical laws. Acoustic Guitars blasting public minds with the techno Twoin Twoing sounds. Kakajee accelerating his congo playing , and a Rs.5 worth plastic guitar making Mandolin sounds. This is a song which spreads the word against discrimination  on the basis of colour. What they didn’t know was that a decade later Fair n Lovely and Fair n Handsome are going to be the bestselling cream in India.  Watch this video just for the sheer raw dance power of Kakajee who doesn’t require his left hand to play the guitar. He’s THAT awesome. [Video link: Goro Ki Naa Kaalo Ki ]

So, there you go , those are my top 10 Guitar Villains of Bollywood. I know Bollywood doesn’t necessarily translate to technically correct. But even then, Guitar crime is ruining the youth more than Rakhi Sawant [ according to an independent survey from Aaj Tak ].

Sorry, but I couldn’t find any video of Tushar Kapoor playing the guitar. If you have your own favourites to add to this list, please do so by adding an appropriate adjective before it in the comments section. Cheerio!

Bah! Ek Rahen Veer

We are back with the concluding part of the Movie Review. There was no reason to spread this across two posts other than my laziness. Trust me when I say that. I am not capitalising the interest in Veer to make it a blog merchandise kinda shit. I am not corporate minded. Actually, that’s not true, I am a bit. Forgive me, let’s get back to the post.

TAKE 2, SHOT 1.. ACTION

Yeah, so that Jaggu Dada in the black outfit calls himself the Yuvraj of Madhavgarh. He somewhat reminds me of the drunkard Chunni Lal and everytime I talk to him, I get the intuition that he might spit out the words – Hey Bidhhu!! any moment. Anywho, so he betrayed us, and killed lots of our Pindhari bros. And I cut his arm. That was so awesome Veera.

ANYWHO!!! Yeah, so now I have the eyeliner in place.

———————————————————————————————————————

I’m gonna rob that lady’s brooch just to throw it back. Hang on, I’m gonna do it in Sholay style which co-incidentally my Bilogical Dadde had written.

And I’m gona win her heart, I mean the princesses.
And you know what, while doing so, I am gonna fly through the coaches,split my thunder thighs and still maintain my Ninja discreet look and my eyeliner intact.

———————————————————————————————————————

*Smitten*

———————————————————————————————————————

Much more occurin’ after the Jump. And there’s the Moral of the Story!!

..contd

Oi Veer, Go to London.

Those overacting Missionaries are driving me insane.

———————————————————————————————————————

Let’s go Bro to London. And not just anywhere, but to UCL.

We’ll learn the Angrez psychology in UCL.

I’ll be extremely happy to be your lame sidekick all my life.

———————————————————————————————————————

Okay, now don’t speak anymore dialogues. You’re stealing my thunder.

Appa, these Angrez log, they dance and sing with me.

They caned me, but All iz well.

Time to break into a dream sequence song, take off my shirt although it’s still very cold here.

———————————————————————————————————————

Time to show some awesome angst.

And the infamous Badass look.

———————————————————————————————————————

Smitten*

———————————————————————————————————————

I think I don’t have to try hard. Oh I gotta dance yet again

Smitten

———————————————————————————————————————

Oh dammit, that chick is Madhavgarh’s Yuvraggi to be.

Lemme tell ya gal- I’ll kill your bros and then I’ll kill yo dad

Cool. Still smitten

———————————————————————————————————————

AND THEN..Veer and Punya, after taking out 5 kilos of gosht, go back to India without being prosecuted in anyway by the Angrez govt. How could they? Tell me, tell me!!

———————————————————————————————————————

So what did you learn?

Dancing, lots of styles. English. Nothing regarding warfare,

conspiring plans etc etc.

———————————————————————————————————————

Awesome. Pindhari Pindhari Pindhari

Time for some dance with Orange Jeans and

Fur Jackets and let’s cling our pseudo-Beer Bottles.

———————————————————————————————————————

Oh Appa/Dadde – I is in Love. With Dhara….

Yashodhara from Madhavgarh…

Don’t Disturb

———————————————————————————————————————

Cool. Imma gonna go there alone as a Yuvraj of some random place near Lahore.

Deceive the Brits + Madhavgarh, and win Yasho in the Swayamvar

Oi NDTV. They are organising a Swayamvar, but not crediting ya. It’s ok yeah?

Swayamvar Time. Unveil the Bahu look.

———————————————————————————————————————

———————————————————————————————————————

Time traveller Badass Brit guy from TNA

———————————————————————————————————————

———————————————————————————————————————

@ChunniBabu_Jaggu: You are so screwed Dude

———————————————————————————————————————

No I am not, I still have a plan up my sleeve.

No not my golden arm, the other one.

———————————————————————————————————————

Dadde, I has your Bahu. We are not gonna kill now.

I am non-violent now all of a sudden.

———————————————————————————————————————

Dude, you’re so gay. I demand action between you and your Dadde.

Godammit, I was once Haidar Ali, father of Tipu Sultan in a National
Television series, where the war scenes in every episode made more
sense than the whole of this movie.

———————————————————————————————————————

I’m gonna throw in a mythological reference now -

Bheeshma, yea I am like him.

Gotta Fight.

———————————————————————————————————————

BTW, gimme some time to have my plan B ready.

Yasho, trust me, it’ll be done in no time.

Am tired now.

Appaaaaaaa… don’t whoop my ass pwease.

———————————————————————————————————————

You guys underestimated the sleepwalking Jaggu Dada.

KAPOW!!

———————————————————————————————————————

I am so dead. Hang on, I still have time to kill yo dad.

And listen, I am returning as my own son. Yeah, coz we did it last night ‘member.

Whaaaaaa???? You fell ASLEEP????

#FML !! All the heroism, the roars and the one night equates to NOTHING

Nahhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

———————————————————————————————————————

Yep time for my Udhas face, yes that one.

No, still only friends with Pankaj Udhas.

———————————————————————————————————————

Moving on…

———————————————————————————————————————

Now you’re so dead dude.

Yeah me thinks too.

———————————————————————————————————————

And so does me. Aiiyooo

FLASHFORWARD..

I am back from the set of London Dreams…

dammit I forgot to change

———————————————————————————————————————

This is for any future projects involving Rajneeti.
Calling Prakash Jha now.

———————————————————————————————————————

Moral of the story:

Will someone fucking tell me WTF am I, Bharat Dabholkar, doing in this movie,

standing as one of the members of Stonehenge with a B-Grade movie

wala moustache?????

I am effin Bharat ‘Amul’ Dabholkar. Doodh ki Nadiya Baha Doonga.

***Veer + Durgati = Veer-Gati ***

When a movie inspires you to create something new, or even pushes you to the limits of inventing a new mashup of two different medium, it certainly is some form of genius in one way or another.  Avatar did it with its 360 degrees of Pandora. And Veer has done the same with its Pindharis. Brute, drunk, sexually fertile and hormonally in their teens, the Pindhari Rajputs are not much different from the Na’vis. Now if you believe in every word I have said so far, go wash your face. To take the name of Cameron’s Avatar and Anil Sharma & Salman’s Veer-Avatar in the same breathe cannot be justified by any stretch of imagination. But yes, I do believe that Veer has inspired me to create something new. And that inspiration has resulted me to amalgamate Twitter into the 1860s revolt by the Pindharis. Basically what we are speaking here is -

How Veer [Salman] under the Chatrachaya of Prithvi [Mithun] got drunk, danced on some tribal Tubthumping music, went to London, got the Dulhania, Pwned Jaggu Dada and Saved the day

When the movie begins with the Disclaimer – All animals have treated properly blah blah!, they completely forgot to mention that the movie could be visually, mentally and emotionally extremely torturous to humans. Moving on, here we go – Tweeting the Movie – Veer.

Salman_TheVeer: @Anil_Gadar_Sharma I been writing. Sholay’s train robbery,romance, London, a Jalwa types drunk dance and a Katrina look-alike. Wht say?

Anil_Gadar_Sharma: @Salman_TheVeer Awesome dude. Is Sohail in 2? He’s mah fav.Reminds me of Rajendranath without glasses.

Salman_TheVeer:@Prabhu_Mithun Dada are you in?  Neena G is playin ur wifey.Promise u get lotsa hugs 4m her

Prabhu_Mithun: @Salman_TheVeer Twitter Daemon auto reply–>Account last active during Luck’s release.

Salman_TheVeer:@Prabhu_Mithun Dada…WTF?

Prabhu_Mithun: @Salman_TheVeer Sorry dude, I get lotsa spam and stuff. Thought u were fake! Yes I’m in. Who’ll be my Bahu?

Salman_TheVeer:@Prabhu_Mithun: A new chick called Fatrina Zarine. Nice ..ahem! She’s ‘fit’ for the role.

Prabhu_Mithun: @Salman_TheVeer Twitpic me her audition pics.

*** FATRINA’s AUDITION PICS***

I am basically a very awesome choice for this role.

My strengths are my Full Fat Double Cream and strictly supervised Oversized diet.

I needed to look the role as there was no VLCC in the 19th century.

My Videsi Bandi Look.

Also, if there was Audience poll for the Best Debut role this year,
this’ll be my Phone Vote Face

I’m like so right for this role. I’ll run you through my other pics.

My smitten look. I am gonna be so smitten by him all throughout the movie.

Did I tell ya that this will also be my Breaking into a Song face.

And if there was an Audience poll, this would be ‘Phone Vote’ face

In case you thought I was too videsi, here I am in an Ekta Kapoor Bahu attire.

See, I can totally play the Royal Vadhu. Attention Manish Malhotra and @kjohar25

***AND MY LAST TWO PICS TO SEAL THE DEAL***

I can also do the make-up less de-glamoured look.

Just in case there is another Period movie

I know people say that I married Pankaj Udhas just to have this look, but I’ll say – We’re just good friends.

And lastly, the politically inspiring, white sari, Gandhi glasses, grey-haired, non-remarrying widow

I know it’s tough not to remarry when even my Saas [Mother in law] enjoys a better sex life.

But what to do, duty calls.

ROLL SOUND, LIGHTS, CAMERA , ACTION!

We Pindharis are Mental. Really. Who negotiates with Jaggu Dada eh?

But then, even though we knew he’d ditch us, the chance to cut his arm off is so BADASS!!

But dude, our Pindhari Bros are totally pwned by Madhavgarh.

And although we are Rajputs, I speak in “Behen-De-Takke” Punjabi.

We gotta start multiplying to compensate for our lost population.

And so…

I’m here just to speak 2 lines.

And then I’ll be invited to that Reality show as a guest judge.

Dadde!!!!!

Dadde is a bit busy Beta Veer. hic!

Enough. I’m gonna grow up so fast after that crappy Spartan training.

I have everything in place. Horses, Black Turbans and Eyeliners.

Will be soon dancing in Orange Jeans and fur-jackets. Woot Woot.
Man I am so awesome to be contained in a single post, I’ll need to continue in another one.

You heard the MAN. We’ll be back soon with the Second Part. Until then, shout it out in the comments. Peace. Out!

..contd: Veer -Review -Part 2.

****Anjali Sharma’s Probability Pie-Chart****
****for Prospective Dulha (Groom)****

‘Member Anjali Sharma’s mind is all messed up. Rahul Dude shows up after all these years when she finally learns to dress in a Sari. Aman Verma dude can’t get enough of Anjali love to follow her straight to the Summer camp. And the most cunningly conspiring kids won’t leave a single chance to convert Anjali Sharma into Mrs.Khanna. No wonder she was going through this. This is a state of Anjali Sharma’s mind when she is trying to be all analytical and has distributed the probability of her prospective groom.

Yep, all is not lost for Johnny. There is still Hope Yeah right!!.. says Anjali

First post of the decade. And we are looking back at the 80′s. No not the 90′s or the Noughties, but the 80′s. Coz that was when I was born. I AM a child of the 80′s.

Right, so I just got one big affirmative answer to the question of how many people love the Bollywood of 80′s. The answer of course is a Big-Ass YES!! I did this post on one of my most favourite cinema blogs called PassionForCinema.com [Please read the post if you haven't. It's titled : Essential Eighties -Tezaab (1988) ]. The post was a tribute to one of the milestone movies of the 80′s and most importantly the one that launched Madhuri Dixit to her Dancing Diva status – Tezaab. Much of that has already been discussed on the post, but more than that people have commented at length about how much they loved the 80′s[and the music associated with them]. I am absolutely thrilled to see the amount of fundoo trivia knowledge that these people have, and it makes me feel very happy to be in their company. While I will be discussing more on Tezaab in a follow up post on PFC, here I am continuing my ‘Khujlee’ on my long-forgotten Say What section. And this time, it is Tezaab ki baari.

Now be warned. This post contains language which could be too colourful for your taste.
And yes, spoilers if you haven’t watched the movie yet. [Never thought I would say that for a 1988 movie]

So, the Kahani begins like this. Shyamlal[Anupam Kher] pours Acid on plants. His daughter Mohini sings Ek Do Teen to make money. Shyamlal owes money to Lotiya Pathan. Lotiya Pathan kidnaps Mohini. Mohini’s lover – Munna is on a Tadipaar.. out of Bombay. But he’s still good at heart. He is the typical 80′s ka dude – much like Robin Hood – Less on personal hygiene, more on sympathy. And yeah! Kick the arse of villains with funny names – like Mukut Bihari. If villains in today’s era in Mumbai had such names, first of all they would have to deal with MNS and Shiv Sena

But Munna’s sister sends him an 80′s version of twitter message that Mohini is kidnapped.

And so Munna breaks the law [ yeah ..Judas Priest yeah \m/ ] and enters Bombay [yes Bombay, not Mumbai].
Meanwhile, Bombay Border Force Inspector Gagan (Suresh Oberoi) gets report of Munna’s illegal entry from the report.

Inspector Gagan stops him, and asks him why he got transformed from Mahesh Deshmukh to Tadipaar Munna.

FLASHBACK: Munna – during his Mahesh Deshmukh days. Proud to be the first in Navy Cadet Cup

Appa keeps his promise and gives money to Munna for a Tobu cycle Munna goes out happily to buy cycle when bank lootere enter.

But Appa and Amma are also very much ‘usoolo ke pakke’.. So they get gunned down by the maniac bank lootere .. in a spine chilling Bank robbery scene.. very Nolan-esque.. NOT!

Munna now attends college religiously so that he can become a Navy Admiral. So he scores highest .. in Psychology. The ladies are all over him.

Munna is also very analytical about his ‘Ladki Patao Formulae’

And his gang is very Bollywood Aware.

Not only that, they sing a RK films classic – Sun Sahiba Sun in a canteen whilst pwning a Marwari Seth

But Munna wants Mohini. And Nikita… wants Munna.

And Mohini…

And finally, the jodi after “huge leaps” and no broken bones, end up together..

But Shyamlal and Lotiya Pathan mess up Munna’s life. Lotiya’s bro attempts to rape Jyoti, Munna’s sister, and Munna trying to rescue his sis, kills Lotiya’s bro. Munna is imprisoned [WTF???]

Now a lot of stuff happen during this period. Munna gets out. Guldasta gets involved. Munna gets wrongly accused again, and hence sent out of Bombay as a Tadipaar. And then Mohini kidnapped.

Flashback ENDS:

Munna sets a deal with Shyamlal. Munna rescues Mohini from Lotiya. And Munna, Baban and his gang sing “So Gaya Ye Jahaa” in Nitin Mukesh’s Surili Aawaz, while Shabbir playbacks Anil Kapoor and Anuradha Paudwal playbacks Madhuri Dixit.

Munna pretends to hate Mohini. Coz he wants her to be safe. Madhuri easily believes him. But Guldasta comes back and saves the day. Meanwhile, in a courtroom, Munna’s accusations get annulled. Aaah, what would Bollywood do without them… I mean courtrooms.

But wait, before all of that. Lotiya returns. And Baban wouldn’t let him touch Munna.

But oh noes, Lotiya is a badass.

Lotiya kills Baban, but allows Munna to have an emotional scene with him. And then Inspector Gagan comes in. Gives an awe-inspiring speech. And wants to see Man-On-Man action.

So it’s Munna vs. Lotiya.

But Lotiya screams out loud.

Lekin dekho kya ho gaya!! [But see what happened!!]

Some awesome editing in the fight scene. But as soon as Lotiya dies, the editor saahib said – Bas, bahut ho gaya ye nautanki. Seedha ……The End. Kinda like an 80′s signature climax. Abrupt and Yakayak..Achanak!!

In case you don’t know what the heading title means, it translates to: I swear by my mum, this is just utter rubbish. I know I have a lot of rubbish movies to talk about this year, and so my work here has been pending. It has been long overdue that I finish off my reviews of Luck, Dil Bole Horrible..I mean Hadippa, What’s your Rashee?, Wanted, Wake Up Sid and of course Blue. Except for Blue, I have seen them all, coz I just could not gather the courage to sit down and watch 2 hours of my life sink in Blue. But having watched London Dreams just compelled me to write. I will complete my other reviews later, but this definitely deserves some good – ONE TIGHT SLAP. Let me begin with- London Dreams is a rubbish, utterly disgusting and a silly film. I don’t give a damn what the so-called trade analysts say. But being human, and with a sane mind with a normal sense of reality, London Dreams cannot be gulped down. Did I say it was stupid too? Here’s how it all sums up to:

Firstly, Mr. Casting director chooses 40-something uncles to put on foundation and anti-wrinkle creams and get up onstage. Agreed, Steven Tyler is 61, but then there’s only one Tyler. So we have Mr.Devgan and Mr.Khan as the middle aged, yet hormonally teen-spirited posers singing Hindi songs to a videsi crowd at Trafalgar Square and yes, wooing them too.
Next up, since Rock On had an ex-VJ Purab, Mr.casting director recruits two existing VJs – Rannvijay from MTV, and Aditya from Channel V.That’s a check for the coolness factor isn’t it? And what are the two supposed to do? Say words like -
a)Yo bro! Chill bro!
b)That chick is hot bro!
c)We’ll rock it dude!!
d) Repeat a,b and c.
It is supposed to be a hep, cool, rocking movie dude!!
And finally, include a recent hit female debutante. So extra marks for freshness.
Mark sheet says: BOLLOCKS!!!!

I really don’t know where to begin talking about this rubbish ensemble. It is so rubbish, and so filled with bullcrap to the brim that it is almost impossible not to watch it. It transforms into a kind of guilty pleasure while you question yourself what can be possibly the next level of rock-bottom that this movie will hit in the next 5 minutes. And it keeps surprising you frame by frame. Ok, let me compose myself and get into the skin of the movie and dissect it as the movie proceeds. Shall we? [ SPOILER ALERT..SERIOUSLY]

Arjun aspires to become Maikalaal Jaikishen when asked by his School Teacher. For a music aspirant, that is something totally unacceptable. Chalo maana, that he is from Bhatinda. But his old Sardaar teacher had to deduce from what he said – that he wants to become a Popstar. Shame on you Arjun. You don’t even know your idols yet. Arjun’s langotiya mate Mannu speaks with a crowd-pleasing lingo prefixed and suffixed with – Behen De Takke, and wishes that he never grows up. Arjun’s family is against his musical inclination, while at just 8 years, Arjun knows his true calling. I discovered that I could pee standing up when I was 8 [ TMI, sorry]. So, Arjun’s dad goes kaput, and his uncle – Om Puri [ in an extremely dwarfing role, I mean so dwarfed is he that the Hobbits from the Shire would call him Gimly uncle, anyway] takes him to London. Naughty Arjun runs away at the airport and successfully manages to escape UK Police Force. I am guessing that he was brought in with a dependent Visa, but him escaping with or without a Visa, and with no sustainable source of income worries me. [ At this point, you must be thinking, Sujoy, don't worry so much]

Beta Arjun has a thing for that flute that mate Mannu gave him to blow [ no pun intended]. And that’s how he earns pennies and funds his musical education. Couple of years later, Arjun transforms into an Ajay Devgan look-alike, sports hoolahoop piercings in his right ear, and gives a bloody damn about UK police. He wants to and he does perform a shitty Hindi song called Shola Shola at Trafalgar square. Easily impressed cool dudes join in saying that they will just be musicians in the background and even say, the band is not ‘humara’(ours), but ‘tumhara’ (yours). Sweet!! So good so far. Arjun is head over heels for an Miss Iyyer who is a dance fanatic, but is very happy to audition as a groupie. But Arjun has his own promises to keep and hence he whips himself with his own belt so that he doesn’t give in to temptation. Brit music producers are impressed by the desperation rather than the talent and send them on a 3 city tour. And all this while Arjun narrates his dastaan to his mate in Bhatinda, who unfortunately has grown up and has a receeding hair line, but fortunately looks like Salman Khan.

Just to clear the confusion; Salman = Mannu, Ajay = Arjun;
Let me cut it short here. Salman sings a song and impresses Ajay. Ajay invites him as the new member of London Dreams [ When was the band named?]. Next concert – Ajay chokes on confetti [ Who the eff does that?] Ajay requests Sallu to sing on his behalf. Sallu blows away the crowd [ he's good at it] with his raw talent, showmanship skills and saggy-belly dancing. Insecure Ajay gets jealous by Salman.Salman, although is a Shaadi wala brass band musician, has a natural gift of moulding music. He has got no clue of music at all, but as soon as he hears Ajay’s composition, comes up in a blink with a melody set to G chord and tempo 82 which transforms the melody into a Ghazal. Waah Ustad Waah! [ At this point, Sujoy is totally losing it ]. In an attempt to keep his dream to perform that frakin Wembley Arena, he replaces Salman’s salt with cocaine. Instantaneously [ not quite, but almost], Salman becomes a Coke addict and starts uttering racist comments like calling Miss Iyyer – Chennai Express. And with this utter emotionally straining plotline filled with misunderstandings, conspiracies and a faked oral excercise, we finally get to see that actually, a crowd of 90,000 firangs actually like the saggy bellied Salman Khan singing a DJ Aqeel remix version of Barso Yaaro. At this point, I could hear all my 200 facebook friends shouting at me – Sujoy, get a life dude. Why the frak are you watching London Dreams????

To wrap it up, let me just ask Mr. Vipul Shah – Who the frak did you think you were kidding?
You do not have the right to make a mockery out of so many things in just a single movie and pose it as a seriously cool movie. Seriously, this movie should have been named – Bhatinda to Baker Street. It is THAT bad.

I had been thinking a lot to just let my frustrations out on this series. I was a big fan of Season 1 and Season 2. But the entire Sona-Panama chapter and then the Company general-Scylla-Christina-Triangle just made the drama escalate and the series’ level of creativity down the drain. But now that it has ended, I have some good memories of Prison Break – how Michael Socfield knows it all and applies every tactic with an evil smirk; how Linc is soooo dumb; how Alex Mahone and T-Bag are actually the show-stealers and above all- how unnecessary additions of Don Self, Company General and Christina Scofield makes me throw up (ok, I made that up..hehe). So, here it is; a tribute to Prison Break in the for of some screenshots of the Series Finale, served as a comic strip, with dialogues and situations made up by MY EVIL BRAIN. Don’t like it? Just yell at me in the comments section..And oh! We go character wise!!

1.T-BAG

2.RANDOM ELEMENTS

3. CHRISTINA SOFIELD

4. LINCOLN BURROWS

5. C-NOTE & FERNANDO SUCRE

6. ALEX MAHONE

7.SARA TANCREDI ..SCOFIELD

8.AND FINALLY…..MICHAEL SCOFIELD

I know what you must be thinking…I have way too much time.