January has been very rewarding in terms of providing us trending hashtags to tweet about. From #Agneepath, to #Filmfare, to #SlapGate. For the uninitiated, SRK, in the wee hours of the celebration party of Agneepath (hosted by Sanjay Dutt), performed a slapasoarus act on Farah Khan’s husband, Shirish Kunder. Apparently, the long haired editor had it coming (as the SRK fans would tell ya!), because of his open criticism of Ra.One on twitter.

Whether you belong to the #TeamSRK, or #TeamFarah, these two sets do not intersect any more (i.e. no common elements anymore – c’mon, it’s basic arithmetic). Here is a deconstruction of the events that happened, according to unofficial sources:-

Warning: All events depicted below are fictitious, and are in no way, related to any event of the past, present or future. We come from another timeline and dimension altogether – known as Desi-Funkistan. The author will NOT entertain any threats, lawsuits or hate-mails, as he cannot read any language on Earth. This post is the result of a very highly sophisticated Fun-English translator.

OKS Exclusive: Unofficial Footage of SRK hitting SK

Here’s an overheard conversation from the infamous party
(All times are in IST)

3:00 am:- After the Filmfare awards, people at the party. Amongst them, a certain Mr.Kunder, under the influence of daaru

P.S. Only official photo available of Shirish Kunder
(Haven’t you seen Agneepath?)

3:05 am:- His threshold of tolerance being challenged,
SRK makes a comeback comment.

3:17 am:- Mr. Kunder, seems to be late with his reactions

3:17:55 am:- SRK is exceptionally fast with his replies

3:20 am:- SK gives his best shot at comeback

3:25 am:- Host Sanju Baba aka Kancha, on an overdose of Red Bull,
makes an entry.

What happened after that is a bigger mystery than big foot, or unicorns. But according to host,  Sanju Baba’s  (who was on an overdose of Red Bull) witness statement, the following incident happened. [Re-enacted by professional look-alikes] Viewer discretion is advised.

3:30 am - Other people at the party [Obligatory use of rage faces]

….After the media started reporting in a frenzy..
SRK slapped, hit, abused SK with all the masala…

A few hours later… on twitter….

… A few more hours later on twitter …

2:pm GMT. i.e. 7:30 pm IST: Meanwhile at the OneKnightStands HQ

12:pm Next Morning – The Meme is posted. And OKS has second thoughts

But then…

FIN.

______________________________________________________

[Rage Comics made by Ragemaker. GIF courtesy: Bollypop]

P.S. The author does not take any responsibility for the accuracy of the above images. The actual incident happened at around 4:15 am IST, a full hour before the above mentioned events. This is a work of fiction, and not meant to malign any characters/human beings – living, dead or virtual. All that has already been done by #SlapGate on twitter.
Issued in public interest, and also due to fear of being sued by Red Chillies.

For more madness and Bollywood chaos, be our Facebook chum, or follow me on twitter.
Please feel free to share this post using the share buttons below

You might also like:

• Best Rekha Movie Ever – Khubsoorat
• Dabangg in Facebook Isshtyle
• Deconstructing Sheila Ki Jawani
• Rule Book of Bollywood Horror
• 10 Worst Guitarists of Bollywood

Warning #1: This post might just melt your face with all the awesomeness that Bollywood Christmas has to offer.

Warning #2: Image heavy post.

With collaboration with my meme-heavy tumblr blog – Bollypop, I have decided that 2o11 Christmas shall be renamed as “The Bollywood Christmas”.

Let the celebration begin.

Disclaimer: There is a possibility that this post was created under heavy influence of drinks of the alcoholic nature. Hence, the amount of Photoshop skills in this post might range from outrageous to sheer genius. But it’s Christmas, so who cares! Hic!

XMas is a funny time. Whilst some like Kabira (#ZNMD) turn into utter romantics in search of a date..

Others are not so sure if it is XMas at all, living in complete denial.. like Pran.

Some turn into absolute whiners and are specific about the fitting of their Santa hats..

..whilst others (@SrBachchan)  are just never happy with their presents.

Some even have allergy with Santa hats (go figure).

Mothers have to face a lot of dilemma with making crucial decisions

And some are very concerned with their hosting skills at the Christmas party..

Some do emerge triumphant, but with no recollection whatsoever, thanks to the Jager-bombs.

But in the end, when the turkey has been served, and the bottles have been opened, and ermm…

Naughty Sanju and Madhuri tried to sway me away there .
And Chulbul Pandey does not seem happy.

But it’s Bollywood after all, kindly adjust.

Some just don’t care about the context or about anything (Good on you Preity Girl)

And some are ready to give you a double dose .

So from me, Bindu jee (who cannot contain her emotions apparently)

and everyone at OKS, Bollypop etc etc.. Have a very Merry Christmas.

And oh, Vinod Khanna saab has something to say as well.

The janam-janmaantaro ki pyaas ( closest English translation: The thirst of ages ) is going to be quenched with this Baap of all sequel posts. This was demanded since the first snake charmer from the gang of Samri was killed in the dark realms of the Purani Haveli. And before all of this mish-mash of lovely sounding words start dismantling into meaningless pieces of guano, let me cordially welcome you to the Return of the Top 20 Villains of Bollywood aka Top 20 Villains of Bollywood – Part 2 (Nope, we are no SrBachchan to yell out Dwitiya). Jaani, if the first list [ read here , if you haven't ] left you high and dry, this one should definitely leave you stoned and soaked in awesomeness. We @ OKS are so committed to bringing you all the desi-awesomeness, that we have gone back and dug out these jurm ke pujari, brashtachari, durachari and those who never say sorry (obligatory Jaane Bhi Do Yaaro reference). Bollywood owes a million and one titles to these villains, coz they are the ones inspiring titles like - Zaalim, Kutte, Kaminey and the like. So, show some respect for ..

*The Next Top 20 Villains of Bollywood*

20. Captain Andrew Russel (Paul Blackthorne) – Film: Lagaan

Achievements and Activities: Daft prick with a “khujlee” for cricket. He’s your stereotypical British Raj dude who oppresses the ‘praja’, torments the ‘Raja‘  and even tries to play daddy with his own sister.  Totally underestimates Indian cricket skills and gets answered well..in the face.

Why is he on the list? One of the main purposes of a villain in a Bollywood movie is to torment the good ones, the hero of the movie, and finally make us feel good when the hero defeats him in a ‘up-yours’ kinda climax. Capt. Russel ticks all those boxes and then some more. It’s the best kind of feel-good scene when we see villains lose. And c’mon admit it, you jumped on the couch/chair when you saw him catch the ball, but it was outside the line. Ok, maybe it was just me then!

19. Ghajini Dharmatma (Pradeep Singh Rawat) – Film: Ghajini

Achievements and Activities: He is a cross between Lotiya Pathan and Rama Shetty. Complete nutcase in terms of what he can do in the name of violence. Wears a pathani suit like Lotiya and is a cunning bastard.

Why is he on the list? Remember the scene when he kills Kalpana(Asin) with that sledgehammer. Is that good enough for you? Ok, I’ve got some more reasons. As a North Indian dude, Ghajini Dharmatma has some really bizzare dialogues to keep us entertaining. e.g. Thaari Yaaddaas to Badee Kamjor hai

18. Ajay Sharma (Shahrukh Khan) – Film: Baazigar

Achievements and Activities: College romancer with nerdish charm, Contact lens manipulator, Car racing expert with a twist, Voice vibrator perfectionist. Can make girls – both sisters, fall in love with him. Can swallow whole photographs. And can playback to Kumar Sanu, Anu Malik in the same song, and Vinod Rathod in another.

Why is he on the list? I know people who consider Ajay Sharma as a grey character, rather than completely evil black. But, even if there has been a lot of injustice and atyachaar on him and his Babujee, there is no way to justify his killing of Seema (Shilpa Shetty, before her nose job and eyebrow trimming job). Revenge should always be one-on-one, and should not involve anyone else. C’mon. Villains ke bhi Usool hote hai – Section 26 of the Bollywood Villains Act. Ajay Sharma totally disobeys this law.

17. Jayshree T, Kunika, Kalpana Iyer, Reema Lagoo – Hum Saath Saath Hai

Achievement and Activities: They are the Barjatya- Rajshri films version of Balaji’s Komolika. So they have nothing better to do with their lives than bitch around, poke their dirty noses into other people’s family matters and create unnecessary chaos. And poor Mumta (Reema Lagoo); she is just a dumb ass who is an easy victim to these modern day ‘Mantharas’.

Why are they on the list? Don’t you see it? This is a modern-day Ramayana. Manthara instigates Kaikeyi. Similarly, this trio instigate Mumta, and hence, resulting in the Banvaas of Prabhu Rama – Vivek (Mohnish Behl). It is very easy to fall into the trap of announcing the villain of Ramayana to be Raavan, but don’t you think Manthara, and hence, Kaikeyi are to a large extent, villains of the tale too. Okay, I am clearly offsetting into a different direction altogether. But yeah, this trio make it to the list because of the Manthara parallelism. Also, what a perfect casting – look at their hideous make up to see how awful they look and how their awfulness just multiplies when they are together. And sorry, I couldn’t fit in Reema Lagoo into a single frame alongside the three witches.

16. Rajkumari Suryalekha (Amrita Singh) – Suryavanshi

Achievement and Activities: Pretty much what Maharanis do. She’s like this desi-Cleopatra and she gets what she wants – by hook or by crook. Mostly by crook. Pyar ki pyaasi, Vikram Singh ki daasi.

Why is she on the list? The Mahal, harems and all that! Man, to be a princess meant easy access to everything and a lifetime membership to everything and an unlimited card of Walmart. Imagine a BC (not the desi gaali, but the original abbreviation) version of Paris Hilton meets Lindsay Lohan meets Britney Spears minus the good looks of all of them. Add some shimmery walls and ceilings and reflective golden jewellery. And some spitting lines – you know the kind which can only be heard with an umbrella in front of your face [think Satish Shah in Main Hoon Naa]. e.g. Thhhuuuum mujhe chhhhoddhh ke naahiii jaa saktheeee..And most importantly, her badassery is kinda immortal – it spans across two reincarnations, and continues to haunt Sallu bhai. Anything that does that better than Aishwarya needs to be on this list.

• No.15 -11 Here.

• No.10 – 6 Here

• Top 5 Here

RGV – oh, he did make this one. You know how this rolls. A hypothetical assumption of how these trademark directors who are the flagbearers of Bollywood would recreate this cinema classic. How’s that for an introduction? I think I fared well, considering I did away with any possible fluff – that’s left for these dirs to add.

Ashutosh Gowariker

Keyword: Research guru

He’ll go into the history of the psyche of Gabbar’s character. Most important questions that could be answered from Mr.Gowariker’s analysis – What inspires Gabbar to loot Ramgarh? What makes him eat Khaini? And most importantly, why Gabbar fancies Thakur’s hands so much? An elongated montage piece of how Gabbar’s ancestors were oppressed by some Brit bloke during the Raj period. Also, some sort of sports competition  involving an underdog (to be played by AK Hangal) vs. the Daku ki Toli led by Sambha. There will be no item numbers whatsoever, and Harman Baweja will be in a quadruple role portraying all the male leads – Gabbar, Jai, Veeru and Thakur.

Subhash Ghai

Keyword: Cameo

Basically, this will be a special effects edited version of the 1975 original, i.e. the same Sippy classic with inserted CGI visuals ala Forrest Gump of Subhash Ghai as the guy next to Kaalia, the guy in the Ramgarh gaaowaalo ki toli and of course, Subhash Ghai digitally replacing Jalal Agha in Mehbooba.

Whaa..Y u so cruel Sujoy. Ok, Mr.Ghai – the showman has run out of creative juices since 19..I don’t know when. The last average movie of Subhash Ghai was Black and White which got released amongst a gallery of utterly gutterly movies viz. Kisna, Yuuvraj, and Yaadein. What more can I now expect of Mr.Ghai than a cameo?

Sanjay Leela Bhansali

Keyword: To quote A.R.Rahman –  Baaluuuuuuuu, I mean Blue.

Ramgarh is completely set in Film City. Only three colours exist – Black, White and Blue. Mostly Blue. That’s all.

Okay, maybe I can indulge a bit more. How about a one-to-one role reprisal mapping sheet.

Aditya Roy Kapoor = Keshto Mukherjee;  Hrithik Roshan = Asrani; Sonam Kapoor = Jaya Bhaduri

Ranbir Kapoor = Jagdeep , howzatt!!! Not to forget, Thakur’s palace would be designed by Nitin Desai and will see a role reprisal by the famous chandelier from Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam.

Karan Johar:

Keyword: Fluff

I believe act 2 of Bhansali’s Sholay could be easily handed over to Mr.Johar. So, I could just continue with the one-to-one role reprisal mapping sheet.

Jai and Veeru: John and Abhishek (you know where this is going).

Basanti : The only thing that could totally rock this would be to cast Kajol as Basanti. FIN.

Of course Mr.Karan Johar’s Ramgarh would have pink curtains and 120 tonned crystal chandelier’s in Thakur’s palace, heavier than Bhansali’s chandelier. The villagers will be dressed in short kurtis courtesy Manish Malhotra and there is going to be a karva chauth event song before Gabbar ki toli scores the big kill. And oh, Gabbar doesn’t chew Khaini. He drinks ‘Koffee’.

Vishal Bharadwaj:

Keyword: Chu**$@

Gabbar in Bharadwaj’s world will either hail from the Bihar bordering district in UP, or could be a reflection of Bhope Bhau. Has to be fluent in Gaali Galoch and has to be dentally challenged.

Must includes: a rough love making scene with a raunchy kiss between Veeru and Basanti.

And finally Anurag Kashyap:

Keywords: Angry, Gritty, Drunk

I would love, love, love to see Anurag Kashyap make a Sholay remake. Evidently, Sholay would be set in the alley ways of a rural town in UP or Haryana. Gabbar is a ruthless kingpin operating illegal businesses and collecting hafta from residents of a particular locality. No one reports the police, coz the police is corrupt as well. All in all, a totally fucked up law and order system. Gabbar could also be a politician. Jai and Veeru could be bromantic Jatt dadas and Thakur doesn’t need to have both his hands cut off. There could be a twist to his tale of vengeance. There is no Basanti in this tale.

It is still Monday here, so here we go. I am a bit upset why I did not make this when I made the original Neetu Singh playlist. But anyway, here we go.

Well, now for the dirty part. After the jump there are two ladies  ( I promise for the only time they’ll ever be featuring on this website, until the next time i.e. ).

Okay, who’s next?

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Anywho, make your way to Bollypop.In for more of such madness and much more. Such as –ermm,,

I am going through a mental state right now. And hence, my ideas, my thought process and my interpretation of daily life is bizarre (even for me). It’s probably an after-effect of sleeping 5 hours a day, and watching too much sci-fi. For the uninitiated, I am a self-proclaimed geek ( I have a separate blog catering to that side of me – 9e3k ). Anywho, that bit of background information was necessary, because whilst recapping to 2000′s JP Dutta feature – Refugee, I have made some liberal changes in the name of creativity and the sole purpose of achieving ‘Nirmal Anand’.

Original synopsis: Refugee tells the story of two lovers from either side of the border. Abhishek portrays the lead role of Refugee, an illegal transporter facilitating families to cross the border. And then he falls in love with one of the passengers – Naaz (Kareena Kapoor ). And then they sing, they dance, they face conflicts from the border authorities, and eventually overcome all odds. And oh, she conceives a baby and has the delivery at the Line of Control. And if I can remember correctly, Suniel Shetty ( who plays this Pakistani army dude) names that holy place of delivery – Insaniyatstan. Epic Etymology.

Now with no disrespect to JP Dutta or to the entire team of Refugee, hasn’t that story of love been done a zillion time before? Ok, not a zillion times agreed ( there aren’t as many movies made yet LOL). How about we give Refugee, the much needed booster kick and convert it into an Epic Sci-Fi saga. In four scenes flat.

Scene 1: Lost in the desert between this universe and the other, is our female lead – Bebo.

Yes, she is cursed by a Timelord. Not Samay ( or Harish Bhimani),  but by a proper Timelord, who sucks out energy from her life-source. That is, the remaining time she has to live, is all converted into KiloJoules of energy, and she is stuck in this time-frame of 4 seconds. Poor girl.

Scene 2 commences after the jump.

Scene 2: Our Munda – Male Lead is a space traveller and also a mutant. He received his internship under Magneto himself, and with Mannaniya Adhyaksh Mahoday Magneto’s Aashirwaad, can bend not only metals and matter, but also time and space. A brief demo.

Yes, the ability to bend not only metals, but also  matter, time and space have been added for convenience of the plot. Creative Freedom you see.

Scene 3:  BEBO won’t trust Junior Bachchan. It takes two songs to convince her that indeed, Sadda Abhishek can break the curse. Bebo’s doubt is that if Abhishek is that powerful, then why is he not wearing an underwear outside and instead wearing a Pathani suit. Silly woman. No budget for costumes due to SFX budget. Anywho, after extra efforts of man convincing woman, an exercise is triggered, where North and South poles of the magnets situated in Abhishek and Bebo’s palms respectively, are joined and separated. This process is repeated 42 times *wink wink* !

Scene 4: Once the curse is broken, the only thing left is for the couple to kiss and make out and live happily ever after. But since this is a SciFi love saga, almost on the lines of Star Wars (but less politics and much lesser plastic soldiers), and also since we are intrinsically Desi peepuul, we enjoy our Bhangra at any occasion. So, here you go people. Let’s do the…..

JEDI BHANGRA

FIN.

========================================================

Share the love and awesomeness of this post using the buttons below. May the Force be with you. And someone please tweet this to Mr JuniorBachchan as well.

Lets have some fun. I haven’t had those in quite some time now. LOLjk. We always have fun at OKS (or at least try to have some). Lately, I have been quite busy with work blah blah! So, I haven’t really had the time to reflect upon movies that I watched, liked or disliked. But I underestimated my own brain. Hehe.

Ok, to prove that, let me tell you with what I came up this time. Think of two totally unrelated characters and let’s bring them together. For instance (as is evident from the title) – Baburao Apte aka Babu Bhaiya (from Hera Pheri ) and Luckvinder Singh aka Lucky (Oye Lucky Lucky Oye ). I know , I know – Babu Bhaiya, I mean Paresh Rawal portrayed Lucky’s father’s role. But it still doesn’t count as an overlap.

Think of the characters:

Babu Bhaiya: Jai Maharashtra!! He’s a kind bloke at heart. Runs a garage, is a drunkard (he likes his khamba) and has two harami tenants. He’s got signature carbon-framed glasses, wears a dhoti always and is troubled by his phone number (Star Garage) being swapped with Star Fisheries.

Lucky: Dilli ka munda, Sadda Lucky is multi-talented and versatile as a Swiss knife. He’s attitude with life can be summed up in one line – Kyun? Kar Nahi Sakta? [ Why? Why can't I do this? ]. And he’ll stop at nothing to achieve what he desires for. Superchor! Of course he’s got Bangalee as his sidekick. And Bangalee knows a bit more about A-tomatic buttons of fancy cars. Shoo Shaa!!

So what if these two characters shared a scene together? Would we see something like this?

And, Lucky replied…

I know, this doesn’t really match the hype of the title. You must have expected that I might weave a whole new universe with these characters interacting. But, in my defense, those last two GIFs have made me LOL even whilst I was making them. Just look at it. I’m a fucking genius

Now jump into the comments and leave your own thoughts about what, how and where would these two gems interact and what situations would raise due to these. And if you liked these post, feel free to share it. Cheerio!

P.S. A big salute to the genius of Priyadarshan, Paresh Rawal, Manjot Singh and Dibakar Banerjee.

Statutory Warning: All events depicted in this post are fictitious and deliciously humorous. If you do believe that these are real, then you should join the OKS Club as a co-writer. If you found this offensive, then please read news websites instead. There’s more offending stuff there to keep you busy.

Lemme begin with a the wise words of the world famous in India, vet Bhatavlekar – It is a true. What is? That Sheila ki Jawani has made me ‘Rumaani’. Thank you, thank you! Just when you thought Munni could not get any more badnaam, Farah and Katrina have teamed up alongside Sunidhi and Vishal to steam up with a chart topper. But enough about that item song. We at OKS control room are more geared up and loaded than ever more. This is all making no sense. It happens when anyone sees the following.

Meanwhile in Delhi, this wasn’t received very well. Especially with Suresh Kalmadi ( citation required). When the word spread about the existence of a certain song dedicated to the Chief Minster’s jawaani, the DMC hosted a big bash in her honour. Picture below.

But somewhere far away, in a living room…