I entered my workplace at around 4 pm. I knew it was IT. IT as in my first breakthrough performance to see the other side of the night right throughout the entire time. There have been prior occasions when I have seen the sun rise from the dark and even times when I have just sat in my room and witnessed the night take a descent. But most of those times were under heavy influence of alcohol (read vodka), Pink Floyd and a fair amount of mad engineers going gaga over either the hottie in the circuit or even discussing career plans at length. And trust me, alcohol helps. (I am in no way promoting alcoholism, it’s just that it has had a deep influence in letting my expressions ventilate more smoothly). And here was I. Staring at the cubicles painted in white and sky blue with tubes glowing above the desks. The AC must be set at almost 18 degrees and the walk to my seat was through the long corridor where I take left after the second sectioned opening. The long corridor led to the Toilet, and to the left of it was the Pantry. Nobody dared to ask what was at the right of the end of the corridor. What was troubling me more than anything else was the sheer magnitude of the number of hours I had to spend until I was to be set FREE. Yes, it was a sort of a prison for me, and I had no companions to console me- no alcohol, no Pink Floyd. Yes, the Engineers are here also, but in no way am I discussing my career plans with them. So how do I resist all of this? CAFFEINE!!

I gulped down my first cup of Latte’ of the evening. The war had been declared. So why was I here again? Lemme get the premise in as short words as possible without being much technical. It is month end and the number of SIM numbers queued up for activation just reaches an astronomical figure. Well, not that huge, but yes, something that makes the Server handling the application get hit by not only diarrhoea, dengue and stomach upset, but also cough to death with acute Memory deficiency syndrome- which in technical terms is stated to be- Server Crash needs reboot. We were to ensure the whole process went as smooth as possible.But here was I, totally not interested, not caring and certainly pissed off at the Business Managers who approved such poor infrastructure. Without being much technical, lemme say that the hardware provided to handle the application is capable enough to handle an application of a tenth of the size of the existing one. And what does that mean? It means I have to keep on gulping down my cup of Latte’ .

By the 6th cup of coffee, which I finally noticed when my trash bin was almost choked up, I felt like my stomach couldn’t handle anymore. It felt like coffee was running in my veins and I would even burp out some beans. Hadn’t even peed in a long time and I was already due after the 4th cup. But no, I couldn’t leave. My manager’s sitting next to me, and the Business Lead were discussing why such an issue really happens. I wanted to shout at the top of my voice into the ears directly-” This is the friggin’ time to DISCUSS all of that? You dicuss about the friggin solution when it is month end and when the peak is being hit every friggin hour of the 48 hour window. And bloody, it is WE who stay up not late till the early hours ensuring that it all works just FINE. So just shut the F up or I might just throw up some coffee beans on your face.”No, I didn’t do that. Things you got to swallow to ensure that you keep paying your Credit Card Bills. And yes, it was 10 pm. ALREADY???

Dinner time I thought. No meals sorry. Pizzas are here. 2 pieces a person. Domino’s veggie delights. Yumm. I consider them as useless as salads. Veggies aren’t meant to be considered as food. They come with the food. It’s like a promissory note that food is coming soon. Had to take ‘em down with another cup of coffee and had to settle down in my cubicle and keep staring at that black screen with white fonts scrolling down down down. I had no music being played. I could feel my upper eyelid being affected deeply by GRAVITY. And when I was just about to …a voice descended with a hand shaking me “Sujoy, just check the Memory utilization…Hmm 4 GB free, so how much is that in percentage?”. It’s my Manager. I replied with what he wanted. And slowly, as they left the war-zone, it was almost 1 am in the morning, and the activation procedure had no signs of waning. Even the coffee machine was completely OUT. I pressed the milk button and all it ejected was White Steam. UGH!!! Not a nice time to go for the No.2. But I had to. A look at the Toilet and I realised , oops, we have run out of Tissue Papers as well. A look in the mirror and I could see the vein of panic pop out of nowhere on my face.

I ran to the pantry (with utmost care) and managed to get a bunch. And when you are in trouble, the release is as satisfying as the ..umm..let’s not go there. It is 2 am almost. My team members were still on calls. And as I went it, I realised that I just couldn’t even take a power nap of 15 minutes. And why? Coz the guy next to me had just opened up his socks which by the smell that I was getting, was at least a good five hundred and twenty three years old since it’s last wash. I have to check with the forensics department to exactly get down to the details (as in months, days, and hours). Another hour gone by, and I could sense myself enveloped by the zombie groove. It felt like my senses were dying one by one. On the other hand, if it were 3 am at my home, I would be probably watching a Naruto Shippuden episode or perhaps blogging. What is it about this place? Is it the reflecting tubelights? Oh, they have been switched off, except for the only few above the desks of those who are working. Cost cutting meets Power conservation ! The AC is also switched off it seems. Because I can feel my perspiration go south. The zombie groove doesn’t allow me to even wipe off the sweat on my forehead. And I can hardly follow anything and do anything that I have been told. I feel like I haven’t slept in ages, and my thirst for caffeine calls me again. But the machine is out. All I have left is hot water. I sip it as I would sip a Hot cup of Espresso.

And somehow, by 5 am in the morning, when I could hear the world waking up, me and my infamous-sock bearing teammate managed to conclude things. I had nothing more to do but just rush to the nearest phone and call for the cab to drop me home. I walked to the lift, went to the ground floor and sat down in the front seat. And I said, “Chalo”. It was already 5:30 and I could see middle-aged, pot-bellied uncles in an endless attempt to stay fit, jogging down the streets of Pune. A little distance further, I could also see a popular eating joint being thronged by similar uncles and aunts and their dogs n bitches. Doing what? Reaping the benefits of their mehnat. Reached home, opened the door, threw the shoes, opened my socks, and I could feel gravity do the rest of the part. Didn’t know what happened next. Oh yes, at 4 pm I woke up to another call. It’s my bloody Mgr. “Sujoy, the system is down. You need to be here by 8pm.” And no, this wasn’t a nightmare. I was going in for Round 2.

Why am I writing this? Because I want to keep my anger alive. Every time I feel that my anger for this entire incident is about to fade away, I’d read this.And then what Sujoy? And then I’d mumble my best abuses to my Mgr. Happy !!!That’s how it goes, right?

Pic courtesy: swissmiss

Every morning I wake up to see what was Yesterday.
Is this what life is meant to be?
To make my cup of coffee,sip it while I learn what I say,
Is my reward only my fee?

To walk through that door and see the faces of the bots,
As we were brought here in bunches and lots,
The mistakes I make , counted in colons and dots
Is this all in my life that I got?

Where is the me in I?
Is it alive or left to die?
Where is the me in I?
The wings are cut and I try to fly.
Where is the me in I?
Is it alive or left to die?
Where is the me in I?
Oh I better kiss my past Goodbye!!!

Amen!

Pic Courtesy: Cyril BRETON

This might come across as an offensive piece of writing directly aimed at toilet humor. But well, literally speaking it is more aimed at the toilet bit of it. Let’s call it the toilet etiquette or perhaps “Loo-tiquette”. This is directly aimed at that loo-natic guy peeing next to me even when the entire row is empty. I really do not get it. Why next to me? Yes, I am claustrophobic. And add to that, I have stage fright!! Now, you might ask how does that relate to my problem.Yes, I am a weird guy. I cannot pee in the presence of a crowd. I need proper silence, concentration and direction in that order. And no, I cannot multi-task while I am doing it. And so, I’d rather not see you too doing the same. Which leads to rule no.1 of “Loo-tiquette”

Rule 1: No Phone Calls

If you have come to take a leak, just do it. Do NOT attend a call, or try to negotiate your crucial deals while your have your phone held between your ears and your left shoulder, whereas your body is releasing . Think of the person on the other end who hears a flush when the deal is done. And also think of what value you hold of the deal. Was it that important that you needed to “Flush IT”? Stop trying to remember things on the call while you are peeing and please oh please, make sure your ringtones do not belong to the Disco era!!

Corollary to Rule no.1: No involving in the call

This is for the team mates of the Project Manager on the call. Please do not try to get involved in the call with your Manager while you all are standing shoulder to shoulder, facing the same direction and your hands are on your private area. So conversations should be kept out of it. You do have an ego right?

Rule no.2: Do not try to strike a conversation.

This is different from No.1. This is actually for all those morons who try to socialize only in the Loo. These oxymorons are the fathers of small talk and are found always in the Loo. Believe it or not, the questions they come up with while you (or at least I am) are busy concentrating, or releasing, or winding up!! A typical loo-socializer question would be “So then Mr.X, how’s life treating you?”. A second more common question is ” What happened to your new Project that was on the cards? Are you happy with it?”. All I can reply back is “It’s going on”, for both the questions. Simply because IT IS going on. But all I really want to answer him is “You bloody dumb moron! Too eager to know how life is treating me? Take this!” And that is when I’d pee on his pants.

Rule 3: Please don’t Spit Out Loud. Use the Flush

Yeah, you Mr. Manager. I know you have the B-School degree, or perhaps not! And you are a manager leading 20 equally “talented” guys. But why do you have to bring out all your saliva to flush down the deed you just did. And oh, you also begin thy deed by kinda cleansing the vessel with thy spit. It’s so easy. Bring out all of it from thy glands with an effective “Khhwwaaaaaakk…kkk”, and then slowly release it from the edge, and let gravity do the rest. Hear the vessel buzz with the eternal “tuckkkk…..kkk” while it resonates through the walls of toilet and yes, the sound just travelled through the pipes to the Meeting Hall outside. Your driver in the car, parked in the basement could hear it. More than the “Khhwwaaaaaakk…kkk”, the “tuckkkk…..kkk”.

Rule no.4: No Loo Idols please!

Keep thy talent to thyself, especially when it involves the “toilet unplugged versions” of “Beedi Jalaile” or “Honth Rasile Tere Honth Rasile”. I know Himess’ voice got discovered in the peak periods of constipation, but godammit, he did it in the privacy of his own PRIVATE toilet. And for God’s sake you are no Himmess, there can be only ONE. So forget dreaming. Or if you can’t, just do it in your own toilet. Not a public one. Imagine if you are singing “Abhi Na Jaao Chhod Kar” (English translation: Don’t leave me and go)in the Loo!!!

Rule no.5: Basin Basics:

Do not blow thy trumpet like the Orchestra lived on it. By that I mean, do not blow your nose so hard that your left lung gets mixed up with your intestines. Do not splash water into the person standing behind you, to the left of you, right of you and above you. Do not donate water to the basin. If you are done, please fuck off. More than often, there are only three sets of basins in a toilet, even if there were 165 urinals. So, do remember that the basin is a crowded area. Try not to push with your hands still wet. I’d appreciate that you keep a safe distance from me, stay silent and follow rules no .1 ,2, 3 and 4 in that order. And once you’re through, get out. It’s your world then. You can pee around then. But inside the toilet you better follow the rules.

Pee patrol is around , mind you!!! This is Sergeant Loo Bega signing off. Over & Out. Pooof!!! Oh crap! Smelly Fart!!!

Pic Courtesy:Stev C