The Legend of the Bollywood Jane..!!

For all those (the dumb ones who did not watch what happened right after the song )who are still wondering whether Jumma DID give her Chumma (Kiss) to Tiger, the answer is Yes,she DID. Tiger (Big B’s name in Mukul Anand’s HUM) survived with minimum injuries and a face loaded with prints of the red lips (those were the days without the non-transferring Maybelline). And for all those dumb ones who are not aware of the entire set up of how Tiger becomes such a confident and demanding male ( as the words say -Jumma Chumma De De), the answer lies in the scene before the song (Bollywood has never believed in desynchronisation of plot points. Are you listening Christoper ‘Memento’ Nolan? ). Miss Jumma challenges Tiger to collect his hafta ( in the form of a coin) which has been rested in between her..you know where! Okay, her b@@bies. (Now c’mon if they can show it, I can well fucking write it down.) And what was at stake? Jumma would give Chumma (kiss) to Tiger on the day of Jumma. (Please do take note of the intelligence of the moviemaker in the choice of words and rhymes. ) Tiger lifts Jumma, makes her legs go up and face almost touching the ground and starts shaking well. The end result is that due to the vibratory motion and the gravitational force, the coin was attracted towards the centre of the earth. Hence,proved! And Tiger gets his share of Chummas. Mystery solved. But keeping aside the entire Jumma Chumma De De incident, I am still searching for answers to the question posted in the title: What happened to the legend of the Bollywood Jane-Kimi Katkar? Read the rest of this post »

Reading Lee Sargent’s QuitYourDayJob blog on Friday the 13th (His post on the Top 5 Horror Flicks ) gave me this idea to just blurt out on what this day represents in Indian cinema. Nothing. And if you thought Indian cinema can be scary, I would say, YES for all the wrong reasons. Scary when it is least meant to be, and when we start discussing at length of all the scares that Bollywood (or more so, its step sister/ illegitimate child, the B-grade Bollywood or what we’ll call as Bbolly) has offered in all our growing years of watching cinema, we have had more laughs and eyes filled with tears while we rolled on the floor pointing our fingers (the index one) at the makeup peeling off from the lady’s ..umm..face while Viju Khote runs through the corridor lit in red light. I can still vividly remember almost each and every cliche that scary movies had to offer in those days when satellite TV was yet to invade our lives. The local cinema theater (here called Gopinath, dedicated to the many bunked tuition classes ) was the one which offered the best of entertainment as titillation was a complete no no on the only existing National TV network. The posters used to bear the best that the movie had and names that would bring any Ekta Kapoor serial to shame (in sheer length).e.g. Paapi Gudiya Ka Insaaf (The justice of the Sinful Doll, a nice take on Chucky). But then, there were the short and sweet ones too.Veerana, Kafan,Saamri, Darwaza and many more of that legion fall into this category. So by now, you must have almost got the idea that what I’m gonna talk here is all about the deep shit scary stuff, not the ones with Vidya Balan singing “Aami Je Tomar” or Urmila Matondkar being exorcised. What’s happening here is that we discuss the many rules that have ruled Bbolly Horror, rules like Black Hairs and Wet White Saris, Smoke,Rapes and Shakti Kapoor,not necessarily in that order.

Rule no 1: We have to begin with the name. Shakespeare said,”What’s in a name?” Little did he know that centuries later, we would call him “Hilti Hui Nashpattee” or even change the first half of his last name to a 3 lettered word ending with an X. Anyway, the point is, the name plays a very vital role in the product placement. Names like Bhoot(ghost) or Pretaatma (similar meaning) just won’t work in Bbolly. Bbolly demands for graphic explanation. Best example is the latest flick at Alankar cinema: Bachke Rehna Zara Bhoot Bangle Main (Stay alert in the ghost house). Other popular Titles include: Pyaasi Padosan (Thirsty Neigbour). Sorry that was not a horror flick. We have many names named after Havelis and Mahals and Bunglows.But the ones which make it to my list are, Khoon Ki Pyaasi Dayan (The Lady Ghost who is Thristy of Blood) and Haveli Ke Peeche (Behind the Mansion). Other formats include description of timelines (Bees Saal Bad, Sau Saal Baad etc. 20 years later, A hundred years later etc )
Corollary to Rule 1: If name is to be kept short, set the mood right.
Ask the Ramsays. They know it best when it comes to naming movies after ambience/environment.
Start with the sound, go for the building, then a specific room and then doors. Next add an adjective.Ghungroo Ki Awaaz, Daak Bangla, Tahkhana,Guest House,Darwaza,Bandh Darwaza.(The sounds of the Ghungroo, The Bunglow, The Dungeon, Guest House– that you got, The Door, Closed Door) That’s what I meant!! Read the rest of this post »

Yeah, the red jacket and the ghost gang dancing turned 25 this year. The album is being revamped and the Silver Jubilee edition is in stores now. But what actually reminded me of Thriller and made me listen to it (and yes, I even did the famous arm-swinging routine as well) throughout the week, was this- Signature performing the Bhangra mashed up with Thriller in Britain’s Got Talent’s first Semi Finals winning performance. If you haven’t seen it, you’ve been living in a cave.

Having said that, the magnitude of success of Thriller as an album to hold the Guiness Record of the most selling album worldwide does raise a lot of questions. Is it pop culture blown out of proportion? Is it showmanship winning over melody? Or is it just plain and simple-Jackson at its best. Sadly though, 25 years later after, the success story of Thriller still continues whereas Jackson has transformed into one of those zombie dancers (both physically and mentally) back and forth (Any one keeping count of the transformations, from Black to White to Nose to just Oh-I-donno-what’s that ?). Read the rest of this post »

The Top 5 have been revealed. And am I happy with it? There has been one major setback/upset which I shall be talking about at length in a while. But first, the Top 5. It comprises of the frontrunners- The Davids -Cook and Archuleta, and the rest- Syesha Mercado, Jason Castro and Brooke White. For one, I do believe that Jason and Brooke just don’t have it in them to be winners and even eventually go ahead and sell records.Firstly Jason, who is just banking on his “blue eyes” and the cute guy smile to woo all those American teen chicks to vote for him. He is just a very repetitive singer, and throughout the competition his performances have all been acoustic.Nothing wrong about that. He even gave some good ones - Hallelujah and Somewhere Over the Rainbow. But the rest of them are just as repetitive. Brooke on the other hand looks like a very weak performer.She messed up onstage twice, has a very vulnerable quality to her vocals, which means her vocals break down too often and they have gone off-pitch at many instances. Add to that I can’t remember a single performance of hers which was remarkable. So I just do not bother if she leaves the competition next week, or even if Jason left. I’d also not be yupset if it was Syesha to leave next week, unless she belts out a killer Neil Diamond song. Read the rest of this post »

Forget the FM channels. The magnetic audio tapes, with the wait time for rewinds are the thing when it comes to music for our buddy Auto-Drivers. And when you ask them why not FM, they say “Fuck the Big Red Mirchi”. That’s actually how you abuse three channels at one go. Of course, it’s not in English that they tell me so, and well, it’s just a figment of my imagination. Anyway, Auto-Rickshaw music is BIG in a country where Himmessh actually sells audio cassettes more than CDs. In a world where digital music (okay CDs you may call it) to us is primarily MP3, music in daily life is predominantly high on the tone equalizer, and resonating from the Big black soundbox in the backseat of an Auto-Rickshaw. And what is the possibility of you being subjected to listen to a Himmessh, (yeah the man’s creation, as in a Picasso, or a Vinci, or a Sujoy, whatever)-probably 99.999%. I shall confirm the numbers very soon. But quality is not at all governed by the sheer number of playtime, is it? So here I am, preparing a whole Top 10 list of the Favorite Songs of the Auto-Rickshaws. The criteria for judgment: my ears, my senses and my reasons, perhaps movie background scores at times, and well a little SPICE.

10. Chalo Bulawa Aaya Hai: (Avtaar) This is one of the sole reasons why Narendra Chanchal is still one of the top grossers at Sanskaar Channel and what actually pays for his monthly post paid bills. One of the original examples of Devotion meets pop culture. Listen to it on a very high tone, and Narendra Chanchal actually sounds like Asha Bhosle, who sang the female version. Money wasted!! Saare Bolo Jai Mata Di. Read the rest of this post »