The Legend of the Bollywood Jane..!!

For all those (the dumb ones who did not watch what happened right after the song )who are still wondering whether Jumma DID give her Chumma (Kiss) to Tiger, the answer is Yes,she DID. Tiger (Big B’s name in Mukul Anand’s HUM) survived with minimum injuries and a face loaded with prints of the red lips (those were the days without the non-transferring Maybelline). And for all those dumb ones who are not aware of the entire set up of how Tiger becomes such a confident and demanding male ( as the words say -Jumma Chumma De De), the answer lies in the scene before the song (Bollywood has never believed in desynchronisation of plot points. Are you listening Christoper ‘Memento’ Nolan? ). Miss Jumma challenges Tiger to collect his hafta ( in the form of a coin) which has been rested in between her..you know where! Okay, her b@@bies. (Now c’mon if they can show it, I can well fucking write it down.) And what was at stake? Jumma would give Chumma (kiss) to Tiger on the day of Jumma. (Please do take note of the intelligence of the moviemaker in the choice of words and rhymes. ) Tiger lifts Jumma, makes her legs go up and face almost touching the ground and starts shaking well. The end result is that due to the vibratory motion and the gravitational force, the coin was attracted towards the centre of the earth. Hence,proved! And Tiger gets his share of Chummas. Mystery solved. But keeping aside the entire Jumma Chumma De De incident, I am still searching for answers to the question posted in the title: What happened to the legend of the Bollywood Jane-Kimi Katkar? Read the rest of this post »

Reading Lee Sargent’s QuitYourDayJob blog on Friday the 13th (His post on the Top 5 Horror Flicks ) gave me this idea to just blurt out on what this day represents in Indian cinema. Nothing. And if you thought Indian cinema can be scary, I would say, YES for all the wrong reasons. Scary when it is least meant to be, and when we start discussing at length of all the scares that Bollywood (or more so, its step sister/ illegitimate child, the B-grade Bollywood or what we’ll call as Bbolly) has offered in all our growing years of watching cinema, we have had more laughs and eyes filled with tears while we rolled on the floor pointing our fingers (the index one) at the makeup peeling off from the lady’s ..umm..face while Viju Khote runs through the corridor lit in red light. I can still vividly remember almost each and every cliche that scary movies had to offer in those days when satellite TV was yet to invade our lives. The local cinema theater (here called Gopinath, dedicated to the many bunked tuition classes ) was the one which offered the best of entertainment as titillation was a complete no no on the only existing National TV network. The posters used to bear the best that the movie had and names that would bring any Ekta Kapoor serial to shame (in sheer length).e.g. Paapi Gudiya Ka Insaaf (The justice of the Sinful Doll, a nice take on Chucky). But then, there were the short and sweet ones too.Veerana, Kafan,Saamri, Darwaza and many more of that legion fall into this category. So by now, you must have almost got the idea that what I’m gonna talk here is all about the deep shit scary stuff, not the ones with Vidya Balan singing “Aami Je Tomar” or Urmila Matondkar being exorcised. What’s happening here is that we discuss the many rules that have ruled Bbolly Horror, rules like Black Hairs and Wet White Saris, Smoke,Rapes and Shakti Kapoor,not necessarily in that order.

Rule no 1: We have to begin with the name. Shakespeare said,”What’s in a name?” Little did he know that centuries later, we would call him “Hilti Hui Nashpattee” or even change the first half of his last name to a 3 lettered word ending with an X. Anyway, the point is, the name plays a very vital role in the product placement. Names like Bhoot(ghost) or Pretaatma (similar meaning) just won’t work in Bbolly. Bbolly demands for graphic explanation. Best example is the latest flick at Alankar cinema: Bachke Rehna Zara Bhoot Bangle Main (Stay alert in the ghost house). Other popular Titles include: Pyaasi Padosan (Thirsty Neigbour). Sorry that was not a horror flick. We have many names named after Havelis and Mahals and Bunglows.But the ones which make it to my list are, Khoon Ki Pyaasi Dayan (The Lady Ghost who is Thristy of Blood) and Haveli Ke Peeche (Behind the Mansion). Other formats include description of timelines (Bees Saal Bad, Sau Saal Baad etc. 20 years later, A hundred years later etc )
Corollary to Rule 1: If name is to be kept short, set the mood right.
Ask the Ramsays. They know it best when it comes to naming movies after ambience/environment.
Start with the sound, go for the building, then a specific room and then doors. Next add an adjective.Ghungroo Ki Awaaz, Daak Bangla, Tahkhana,Guest House,Darwaza,Bandh Darwaza.(The sounds of the Ghungroo, The Bunglow, The Dungeon, Guest House– that you got, The Door, Closed Door) That’s what I meant!! Read the rest of this post »

Yeah, the red jacket and the ghost gang dancing turned 25 this year. The album is being revamped and the Silver Jubilee edition is in stores now. But what actually reminded me of Thriller and made me listen to it (and yes, I even did the famous arm-swinging routine as well) throughout the week, was this- Signature performing the Bhangra mashed up with Thriller in Britain’s Got Talent’s first Semi Finals winning performance. If you haven’t seen it, you’ve been living in a cave.

Having said that, the magnitude of success of Thriller as an album to hold the Guiness Record of the most selling album worldwide does raise a lot of questions. Is it pop culture blown out of proportion? Is it showmanship winning over melody? Or is it just plain and simple-Jackson at its best. Sadly though, 25 years later after, the success story of Thriller still continues whereas Jackson has transformed into one of those zombie dancers (both physically and mentally) back and forth (Any one keeping count of the transformations, from Black to White to Nose to just Oh-I-donno-what’s that ?). Read the rest of this post »

The Top 5 have been revealed. And am I happy with it? There has been one major setback/upset which I shall be talking about at length in a while. But first, the Top 5. It comprises of the frontrunners- The Davids -Cook and Archuleta, and the rest- Syesha Mercado, Jason Castro and Brooke White. For one, I do believe that Jason and Brooke just don’t have it in them to be winners and even eventually go ahead and sell records.Firstly Jason, who is just banking on his “blue eyes” and the cute guy smile to woo all those American teen chicks to vote for him. He is just a very repetitive singer, and throughout the competition his performances have all been acoustic.Nothing wrong about that. He even gave some good ones - Hallelujah and Somewhere Over the Rainbow. But the rest of them are just as repetitive. Brooke on the other hand looks like a very weak performer.She messed up onstage twice, has a very vulnerable quality to her vocals, which means her vocals break down too often and they have gone off-pitch at many instances. Add to that I can’t remember a single performance of hers which was remarkable. So I just do not bother if she leaves the competition next week, or even if Jason left. I’d also not be yupset if it was Syesha to leave next week, unless she belts out a killer Neil Diamond song. Read the rest of this post »

My site has been down due to database problems. Techkeyla hasn’t come up yet and I am a bit upset about it. Nevertheless, in the meanwhile, I got to watch the final two episodes of Prison Break’s cut short Season 3. And the plot was racing through my head. Michael Scoffield’s genius keeps my jaw dropping every season and sometimes in every plan that he executes. This time, it was indeed yummy. Episode 11- Under and Out had left off when rain had forced Michael and the team to get the escape time ahead of the schedule. The escape team had actually become too crowded with Bellick and McGrady joining in. But Michael had other plans.

*****SPOILER ALERT*****

Episode 12- begins with Lincoln bashing off the power supply tower with a bus. The power went off and off go Lechero, Bellick and T-Bag into No Man’s Land. What they didn’t know of was Scoffield’s plan. The generator backup wasn’t supposed to come up before 30 seconds which actually did. But there was no turning back. Lechero runs even when the searchlights are on him, and he gets shot. T-Bag and Bellick are caught. The trucks come up, and No Man’s Land is crowded now. And Michael escapes NOW with Mahone, Whistler and McGrady. Read the rest of this post »

Forget the FM channels. The magnetic audio tapes, with the wait time for rewinds are the thing when it comes to music for our buddy Auto-Drivers. And when you ask them why not FM, they say “Fuck the Big Red Mirchi”. That’s actually how you abuse three channels at one go. Of course, it’s not in English that they tell me so, and well, it’s just a figment of my imagination. Anyway, Auto-Rickshaw music is BIG in a country where Himmessh actually sells audio cassettes more than CDs. In a world where digital music (okay CDs you may call it) to us is primarily MP3, music in daily life is predominantly high on the tone equalizer, and resonating from the Big black soundbox in the backseat of an Auto-Rickshaw. And what is the possibility of you being subjected to listen to a Himmessh, (yeah the man’s creation, as in a Picasso, or a Vinci, or a Sujoy, whatever)-probably 99.999%. I shall confirm the numbers very soon. But quality is not at all governed by the sheer number of playtime, is it? So here I am, preparing a whole Top 10 list of the Favorite Songs of the Auto-Rickshaws. The criteria for judgment: my ears, my senses and my reasons, perhaps movie background scores at times, and well a little SPICE.

10. Chalo Bulawa Aaya Hai: (Avtaar) This is one of the sole reasons why Narendra Chanchal is still one of the top grossers at Sanskaar Channel and what actually pays for his monthly post paid bills. One of the original examples of Devotion meets pop culture. Listen to it on a very high tone, and Narendra Chanchal actually sounds like Asha Bhosle, who sang the female version. Money wasted!! Saare Bolo Jai Mata Di. Read the rest of this post »

Before the envelopes are opened and the Screen Awards are being awarded tomorrow, Jan 10^th 2008, to the best movies of Bollywood, here I am with my list of the best movies of Bollywood 2007. To follow a year with movies like Rang de Basanti and Lage Raho Munnabhai with even more hits and great stories has been a great feat for the Bollywood movies in 2007. But there has been a clear divide between the blockbuster hits and movies which brought in great stories, intelligent filmmaking and more than that, the edginess. With movies like Welcome, Partner, Hey Baby and Namaste London among the top grosser, they fail to make this list, for one because I didn’t watch them, secondly because they didn’t inspire me enough to sit through the 2 hours in a cinema paying a 100 bucks. Other exclusions are Dharm, Blue Umbrella ,Eklavya (which I heard is also another piece of crap pushed by extreme publicity) and Gandhi My Father-all because I failed to watch them. Water, Namesake and Loins of Punjab do not feature here as well, because they are not Bollywood movies. So then, here we go.

10. Om Shanti Om – Bheja Fry- Manorama Six Feet Under

The first has Vyjantimala meets Vogue, the second has Bharat Bhushan explaining the meaning of “Tharkee”, and the third has our very own Chinatown set in the backdrop of dry deserts of Rajasthan. Read the rest of this post »

I have already announced the Bollywood Razzies for this year, but my heart refuses to stop at this. C’mon, it’s January and time for the Bollywood awards season. As the Screens,Filmfares and Zee Awards get ready to roll out the nominees, I have the opportunity to squeeze out every “unconventional” and “special” award for this year’s Bollywood releases. The first category is the Bollywood Special Awards, ones which can also be called The Good Ones. Read on to know the Bad ones, and of course don’t miss the Ugly ones. So here they are-

THE GOOD :

Duniya Jaaye Tel Bechne( Let the world sell oil, I mean no holds barred) Dance:
Undisputed Winner:-Kay Kay Menon, high and stoned, grooves to the foot-thumping Sajanaji Vari Vari, and even does a Naagin Dance. We all loved it.

Acapella Vocals:
Contenders-Krishna: Maula Mere Le Le Meri Jaan (Chak De India)
Kailash Kher: Ya Rabba (Salaam-e-Ishq)
WINNER:Sonu Nigam: O Re Paakhi(Khoya Khoya Chand) Read the rest of this post »

As 2007 comes to an end, its time to roll out the red carpets, open the envelopes and beat the pulp out of those movies that kept on coming back to you and haunted you this year and made you shiver with disgust at the most odd hours of the day/night.These movies go down in the history of this list as the Bollywood Razzies, aka the Worst Movies of the Years as well as Performances. It is no easy job to make it to this list. You need to be utterly creative in some way, as in if you actually intended to make a tragedy, you ensure it looks like Mr.Bean’s Holiday. And if the original script pitched plans of a comedy, the end product should make all of the crew weep. Now that’s what we call (F)ART. Only few movies have been able to qualify for the coveted “award” this year, and choosing the righteous winner among them has been a tiring effort for me. It has taken me sleepless nights, intense hours of soul searching and some barrels of Budweisers to arrive at the “Winners”. So here we go.

Breakthrough Performance of the Year Male:-

The Shaved and Waxed chest, a Peek at what’s behind the Diesel Cap, The Nasal takes a big leap beyond the lands of Narnia, and well, He finally smiles. Ladies and Gentlemen, bow to his Majesty, Himessssss….Surooooor….Reshammiya. A Star is Born? Ahem Ahem! Sorry, I just choked on me words. Read the rest of this post »

Bollywood Music has just left me drained completely. This has been a year where I got variety , versatility and above all, quality music that transcends all definitions and spans across all possible genres from Qawwali to Rock to Jazz to Blues to even Hindustani Classical. This has been a year which has excelled all of my expectations, mostly in the later part of the year with the kicking in of the major blockbusters accompanied by their equally explosive soundtracks. It has been quite a journey for me listing out these gems and in no way I can accurately opt for the winners, but then, some are more equal than the others.

So well the Nominees are:-

A.R. Rahman – GURU

From the Arabic belly dancing ritual number, Mayya Mayya, to the very Folk –Barso Re Megha, the signature Rahman sound in Tere Bina , the heart melting Hairat-e-Aashiqui which transforms into a Scottish Pipers song and then back to a Ghazal, and to top it all, a Soul Stirring choir singing in unison – Jaage Hai Der Tak Humein….GURU had it all. Bow down Mister, to the current GURU of Music. Read the rest of this post »