Now, I have been having quite an idle time. And when I am faced with such a situation, my mind wanders around thinking of just randomly awesome things, trying to quench my “khujlee” for “nirmal anand“, which I have no control on. Now, I cannot mention all of them, as I can’t remember most of them, and those I do remember either are too strong [read: X-Rated] to be mentioned here, or just don’t make any sense. But, idle daydreaming can also be quite fruitful. In this case, what I have come up with is a possible script of a kick-ass Bollywood movie. Now, we have seen a lot of Zombie movies, and as you might or might not know, I love zombie movies. But we are yet to see any Bollywood director make a proper Zombie movie. The keyword here is ‘proper’. Yes, we have seen live actors sleepwalk through a whole movie (*cough* Sanju Baba *cough*), and wooden faces which can corrode a zombie (*ahem* Mimoh!!). But we are not talking Ramsay face-painted monsters, or Vikram Bhatt’s lineup of monstrous unintentionally comic actors. Zombie business is serious shit. And to suit everyone’s taste buds, I am presenting you three different takes that Bollywood can adopt as its own spin on the Zombie movie genre. The sole purpose behind this post is to generate some collective creative juice so that we can get a much needed break from the deficiency of fresh new ideas. So here are..

** 3 Ideas for The Next Bollywood Zombie Movie **

a) Comedy meets Horror:

Something on the lines of Shaun Of The Dead or Zombieland. You know, something like zombies on the loose in a Mumbai local train, and busy Mumbaiyyas not giving a shit, until one of them gets bit. And then, he bites the zombie back so hard, that he almost eats his eye out. Yep, it has to be gross and graphic, and gore has got to be not-toned-down and for a change, gut-wrenching. Of course, after that, the first bite victim would have to transform into a zombie himself, and start spreading the “rage virus”.

The story could be told from the perspective of a group of  South Mumbai slackers (like that Wake Up Sid gang), who have no idea of what is happening in the real world. And then, their parents and fellow college mates start vanishing. Best part here could be the inclusion of zombie outbreak on the sets of Bigg Boss (just like in Dead Set – which I’d highly recommend everyone to watch). Who wouldn’t love to see a zombie Dolly Bindra battle it out with a zombie Kamaal R Khan?? And our heroes could beat them up to pulp, quite literally. The group could even have some sort of a Zombie Kill Count.

Don’t tell about this to – David Dhawan or Priyadarshan.
My choice for the director – Dibakar Banerjee.
Background Score – Ram Sampath’s cracking grungy loud score.
Death count - 100+
Guest role zombie – Salman Khan, the host of Bigg Boss.
Proposed Title – Maar Maarke Laal Kar Dunga ( I’ll beat you until its red)

b) Horror:

Something on the lines of 28 Days Later on the streets of Mumbai. Or The Crazies in Delhi. Or the very awesome Dawn Of The Dead. This could be a very challenging job in terms of creating a perfect claustrophobic scenario. e.g. a whole movie (of 2 hours tops), set around a group of IT employees / call centre guys, all strangers, but getting back home late night from work – from Gurgaon to Delhi, only to see CP (Connaught Place) has been completely burnt down (since the army tried to bomb down the zombies).

Subplot- Another group of guys stuck in Delhi Metro underground, who cannot escape because the gates are shut, and their only way to survive is to stick together, even though there is clearly an ego clash ( insert a North Indian love triangle here). There has to be some casualties here, and a desperate need for night vision glowing eyes of the zombies. And of course, there has to be a religious fanatic inserted in the mix of the young and hip guys, who has her own spin on the story. And the slutty one dies first (but of course).

Don’t tell about this to –  Vikram Bhatt or Sanjay Gupta
Director of Choice – Ram Gopal Varma. The man made Raat, so all your arguments  are invalid.
Cinematographer – Binod Pradhan. He knows best how to show Delhi in an apocalypitc way. And also, that’d mean RGV would have to lose out the tilted camera technique. Also expect some shaky cam.
Background Score – Sandeep Chowta
Death count - All the main lead characters, especially the ladies. The chicken characters survive somehow. And there has to be some explanation about the outbreak. Possibly, an infected person from Singapore landed at IGI airport.
Proposed Title – Dead Delhi

c) Thriller/ Political Drama:

This is the most ambitious one in terms of idea. There will be only shots of the zombies through television screens in the form of news broadcasts. The focus here is on human drama, and how a quarantine camp arrangement in an apocalyptic world set in India would function. This should be something like Torchwood: Children of Earth / Miracle Day .

A zombie outbreak is a national emergency, and it would be absolutely interesting to see how the nation’s leaders would deal with it (given that we have the writers and the director making the best use of good actors and smartly written situations). Set in a near present Delhi, where the nation’s youngest Prime Minister ever faces the nation’s worst nightmare. The President has already been bitten on an aeroplane. But that is not the worst of it. How would the law and order system work when we have a nation of a billion, and almost 30% infected due to some virus spread by biting? And the count is increasing. Joint families trying to hide their loved ones, even when they are being bitten, and armies forcibly taking them away. Politicians taking care of the rich and the powerful to be kept in secured location, and a journalist leaking the story to the masses who are trying hard to survive through all of this. Aaj Tak is still the fastest news breaking channel. Also, a gangster chain operated by an ex-Army guy, who is smuggling people into these secured locations.

Don’t tell about this to: Subhash Ghai or Sanjay Leela Bhansali
Director of Choice: Neeraj Pandey or Raj Nidimoru and Krishna D.K.
Background Score: Amit Trivedi
Death Count: Reported many, none shown onscreen.
Proposed title: Rashtriya Aapatkaal (National Emergency - think about it. The story of a zombie outbreak, told through a sting operation on the nation’s leaders. Of course, there is no democracy to be spoken of, but who in their right mind, would like to lead a nation at such a moment, instead of saving their own asses).

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Spread the word right now using the buttons below, so that someone in Bolly land can pick up these ideas and translate them onto screen right away. Of course, me being a non-trained scriptwriter, there is an amalgamation of a thousand ideas which are thrown in the mix here. If someone intends to clean them up to produce a more cohesive plot, be my guest. If you are connected to any filmmaker, film magazine which can make these ideas get flashed in front of the right people, please feel free to do so (and a little credit thrown at my end would be very welcome). As always, comments and criticism are always welcome.

Like the many reviews out there, my thoughts on Ra.One are also divided. On one hand, I have extremely strong complaints against the movie’s script and its many inconsistencies [ Check out my previous post - My 5 Complaints against Ra.One]. But on the other hand, there is no denying, that there is some amount of absolutely engaging good stuff here. This probably is a good thing for the movie’s future on BluRay or DVD, as we can straight away skip the shitty bits and watch the good ones. So in true Hollywood style, I present to you this sequel to my review – The Ying to the Yang ..the White to the Black..the..you get it.

If I were to be a crafty editor, this is what I’d suggest Ra.One to be – a coherent script which slickly travels through ..

**The 5 Things I Did Like About Ra.One**

1. London and the Battersea Power Station action sequence:

This was one of those moments when the movie was absolutely on the money. It delivered the goodness that it promised in the trailers, and the action sequence, right from the car chase to the VFX was classy. Ra.One’s first face-to-face action scene with G.One was filled with flying cars deflected with electric pulses in shades of red and blue. There’s some good action choreography here, and there’s even SRK’s action version of the now famous – arms-wide-open gaze. This one’s called the “Badass look as the Car falls”. [Refer to GIF above]

2. Chammak Challo:

Akon on autotune, singing Akkiyo se Akkiyaa milaa de.. and Hamsika Iyyer waxing lyricals in Tamil. Bebo looking red hot in a crimson red sari, and also the ultimate reveal that its actually Ra.One in a Bebo disguise, doing a vaguely homoerotic routine, trying to woo G.One and get her/his H.A.R.T. back. OMFG, the size of this metaphor. Kill me now!

3. Chitti Babu and The Other Geeky Nods:

Although the scene with a group of local goons assaulting Bebo at Mumbai International Airport and open firing, is as preposterous as it can be, it was totally worth it to see Chitty Babu’s cameo. That was one absolute no-holds-barred “whistle-blowing” moment. I wish we could get more of these crossover universe things in modern day scifi..like the Doctor landing on Tatooine.

Also, Lucifer’s introductory dream with SRK battling against Khalnayak to save Piggy Chops reminded me of Dante from Devil May Cry. And that whole thing with Ra.One morphing into Akaashi (Tom Wu) and killing him off was so T-1000. And finally, all that flying Rasengans / Hadouken gave me an awesome chill.

4. Train action sequence in Mumbai / CST:

This is one of the best action scenes that I’ve seen in a while, and although it is not as good as the one in Endhiran, its still has enough awesomeness to carry it off. There’s SRK flying between coaches, probably symbolising the rush in Mumbai’s daily life. There’s SRK running on the roofs and racing the train, running sideways on the train, and landing with absolute precision between the engine and the coach, without a single scar or a speck of dirt on his white shirt or undone bow-tie. And in true superhero isshtyle, he stops the train from crashing, but somehow cracking the walls of CST. Is anyone from MNS complaining ?

5. Evil Bebo:

And finally, this has got to be the best part of the movie. Primarily because, unlike most superhero movies, where the female lead is more trouble than help, and is only abused as a damsel in distress, Bebo gets to give it her own spin. Of course, she is the damsel in distress, but Ra.One messes her head with some chemical locha (or was it Electric Impulse Locha), and turns her into a red-eyed maniac. And that diabolic laugh paired with her evil eyes – Man, that can do wonders. Imagine how Bebo could look in an absolutely maniac Dexter kinda role. Someone please write a proper script for her, and make her stop doing Maa Ki Aankh roles in Golmaal type movies.

So there you go, those were the 5 things I liked about Ra.One. Not quite the obvious ones, or were they the most obvious ones – you decide in the comments section below.

Also read (if you haven’t already) – Part 1 – My 5 Complaints Against Ra.One

OKS Rating – 2.5 Crotch Kicks Out of 5

Ra.One was supposed to hit a triple home-run. Ra.One was supposed to melt me inside out with its massive scale and mindblowing shimmery effects. Ra.One was supposed to be not just good, but awesomely great, and pave the way for the future of Indian cinema to wake up and smell the digital coffee, rather than sit on that melodramatic Karwa-Chauth and Sagai flavoured couch. Of all the things, Ra.One did manage to possibly give a taster for the things that could be in the future. But at the end of it all, it falls way short of my expectations. Oh how much I wanted to like this movie, but even with the best of my efforts, this movie swings between the extremes of annoying slapstick and total wtf-ery. Of course there is a whole bunch of shit loaded in this vehicle which kept me engaged and entertained. Butthere is a whole bunch of absolute dog poo as well. The script is so flawed and mindless, that I can only facepalm at the thought that the talented makers spent almost 5 years to end up with a product like this. As a faithful consumer of this product, this is my open letter to the makers – Shahrukh Khan, Anubhav Sinha and the writers. Here are my 5 complaints against Ra.One.

P.S. I invite SRK fanbois and gals can actively protest and counter my points in the comments section.

**5 Complaints Against Ra.One**

1. K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple, Stupid)

KISS is an engineering principle, followed by designers worldwide. So it is indeed such a shame to see the ‘designers’ of Ra.One screwing that principle, in the face. I don’t get what the point is when it comes to writing a simple and straightforward Good vs Evil script. Why would you wander off forcibly injecting unnecessary amounts of slapstick of the “BAD” kind. This is bloody 2011, and no one, absolutely no one enjoys humour of the ‘Rajendranath’ types. I don’t find it funny when SRK has curly hair to justify his Subramaniam lineage. I don’t find it funny when he has to eat curd with noodles. And seriously, what was that thing about Bebo’s thesis on Indian gaalis – in London? Was that a linguistic thesis? How difficult is it to focus on the Good vs Evil theme, by giving us more info about the background of Ra.One / G.One, rather than focussing on SRK’s parenting issues and crotch being hit by a football.

2. Consistency

The movie has a serious issue with consistency. On one hand, SRK’s Shekhar Subramaniam has an issue with being not-so-fluent in Hindi and also being bad with English pronunciation (That MJ impression was atrocious and whoever wrote that scene needs to have a career counselling done right away. Seriously dude, get a day job). But when it comes to delivering idioms to his beloved son Prateek, all of that goes straight out of the window. The man effectively delivers those lines like an Urdu Shaayar in a Lucknow Mushaayra.

Another point to be noted – WTF is this Ra.One game? Is it a simulator, to be played with those Mo-Cap gear, or is it like Virtua Fighter meets Mortal Combat? In the expo, when the game is released, or even when little Prateek gets an exclusive test run in the lab, he has the mo-cap gear on. But this is meant for wider public release on a gaming console – (there are PS3 and nVidia logos flying all across). How does that sum up? If it is indeed a Mo-Cap simulator like XBOX Kinect, then how the fuck did Prateek get a DVD, and start simulating the moves in his home PS3.

Finally, the H.A.R.T. is supposed to be a virtual thing, with no special physical significance. In the real world, it is just another glowing bulb. How does the divide between the real and virtual get bridged? No body cares a single fuck about explaining that to me. Speaking of which, in the final climax fight Level 3 – how the hell did Ra.One, G.One and Prateek go from being inside the lab to being teleported into a virtual map, with burning lava and all the explosions. And how the hell did Prateek get out of it. No answers!

3. Seriously, Lucifer ?!?

Speaking of Prateek, if your son has an online avatar by the name of Lucifer, you have some real thinking to do, than to try and impress him by creating an evil villain, or writing a thesis on Indian feminisation of swear words. This is a 10-11 year old we are talking about, who by the looks of it, likes Iron Maiden’s Eddie (which is great), MJ’s Bad (again great), but bullies around fat kids in the class. And we are supposed to root for him? If it was me, I’d get that little bastard bitch slapped in the face and teach some manners first.

Further, there is not even a moment spent on explaining Prateek’s genius in coding, and how a 10 yr old gets around with fiddling the source code of apparently a programme which has complex AI logic, when all we know of him is his ability to identify if a PC is connected to LAN or not. Logic fucked in the earhole.

4. Sanju and Piggy Chops.

Sanju Baba’s sleepwalking routine continues even outside his Housefull and Dhamaal movies, and in a brief cameo (thank God for that!), he shows how really really bad (in the worst way possible) can a Khalnayak be. And skimpily clad, lady in red Priyanka Chopra does nothing to make it look good. The whole dream sequence was just another ‘najaayaz’ opportunity to show off SRK’s packs.

5. The curse of Level 3

Finally, the mother of all complaints. This is supposed to be an awesome game, with an awesome villain. And it has just 3 levels. And oh, if you don’t have the HART, no one dies. How stupid of the villain to not have figured that out? Seriously, would you buy a game for say £40.00, with just 3 levels?

Besides, what is Ra.One’s motive?  To get even with Lucifer who kicked his ass in the first two levels. What will he do when he’s done killing Lucifer? What would then be his purpose? A bald Arjun Rampal roaming around streets of London, like a hungry Hobo, shooting red Rasengans. A hero is only as good as his villain. And with the limited menacing factor of Ra.One, G.One is reduced to just a techno baby sitter. Not a really good role for a superhero capable of jumping through roofs and shooting those Kapow energy balls.

Of course there are a few more complaints that’s burning up my mind.

#. Like what is with Satish Shah’s compulsive obsession with power yoga’s connection with the pelvic thrust?

#. All Chinese are not Jackie Chan..but this one knows Kung Fu..fo sho!

#. A gaming convention in London, and the lady (Shahana Goswami) addresses the audience in Hindi. And all my European mates nod in agreement. Also, this so called tech-aware junta get totally bowled over by a Hologram projection.

#. What is with the sheer amount of booty popping, booby groping, and crotch kicking? So many bruised bollocks!

To conclude, to me, Ra.One was a mixture of these complaints, and a string of other stuff which I quite liked. And hence, it is a mixture of some goodness and some absolute crap. I will be discussing the 5 awesome things about Ra.One in part 2 of the review. For the time being, comment away in the comments section below.

And just for the record – the OKS rating for the movie: 2.5 Condom Condom out of 5

Inarguably, Science Fiction is not a very popular genre in the land of the Indian film industry. The Indian film industry, as a whole, produces more than 600 films a year and not even a handful can boast to be in some way linked to this genre. This is quite embarrassing given the fact that majority of the Hollywood blockbusters have their SFX work outsourced from the country’s brilliant creative workforce. Of course, one can raise such arguments such as reincarnation or ghosts to be some sort of science fiction. Well, if that was the case, then we should rest it right now and crown Twilight fans aka tweens to be the scifi nerds of this generation.

Moving on, science fiction is about taking that flight of imagination into the realms of the unexplored and the unexplained, but still somehow governed by the laws of physics, chemistry and biology (and all of its sub-categories). And in the words of the great Morpheus – some rules can be bent, others, broken. Hollywood has been able to explore into the extremes of science fiction and has produced brilliant cinematic interpretations of some of the brilliant works by Arthur C Clarke, Philip K Dick and Isaac Asimov. And looking at the summer blockbusters over the last couple of years, science fiction has been the genre of choice. Why hasn’t Bollywood been able to replicate the same sort of success from scifi? Things might be changed when Ra.One hits the theatres this Diwali. After all, a good story is a good story.

Let me put forward my argument of the Indian movie scifi genre with a few examples. Some of these are wickedly entertaining and brilliant pieces of cinema. Others proved to be pure abomination. In this list, I will be discussing 5 such movies which grace the awesome list of SciFi in Indian Cinema.

The Alien(1967)

We kick off this discussion with the 1960s cancelled project – The Alien, helmed under one of the greatest auteurs of cinema , Bharat Ratna – Satyajit Ray. This is one of those sad stories of how a creative mind was exploited by Hollywood honchos. Ray’s script was to see the light of the day with Columbia Pictures hiring Marlon Brando and Peter Sellers in the cast list. And then, shit happened. Ray’s Hollywood rep – Mike Wilson got Ray’s script copyrighted as a co-writer, even though he had to do nothing with the creation of the script.

The Alien’s screenplay portrayed the outer space creature in a positive light. Ray’s biographer drew Robinson, described the screenplay to have a scene where the alien sees a flower, and his eyes glow with a yellow light, and then it passes his hand over the plant, and the flowers start to bloom. The alien looks pleased. That was written in the year 1967. And in the year 1982, a certain filmmaker by the name of Steven Spielberg came out with a little known feature film called E.T., and claimed it was all original. Read more about it here.
India’s first attempt at sci-fi was met with a tragedy, ambitions taken down by greedy Hollywood studio men and then later profited by plagiarists who posed as visionaries.

Mr. India (1987)

And then, after two decades of reincarnations, shape shifting snakes, revenge dramas and lost and found stories, Shekhar Kapoor came up with his own version of “the Invisible Man meets jingoistic Manoj “Bharat” Kumar”. The result was a protagonist as a Mr.Goody Goody India, who has orphans to raise, a violin to play, a pot-bellied Bawarchi by the name of Calendar, and seduces Sridevi in a blue sari. An epic formula for an epic movie. But wait, there’s more. There’s the telephone in the chief editor’s office which always gets wrong numbers. There’s junior versions of Aftab Shivdasani and Ahmed Khan. There’s Daaga and Tejaa and Miss Hawa Hawaii. There’s Professor Dadamoni who has been hiding the invisibility wristwear all this while. And there’s Mogambo with his fucking epic lair which can put Dr.No to shame.

Just like the most loved SciFi movies of the 80s, Back To The Future, Mr.India very efficiently and very smartly picks up the naughty aspects of invisibility and keeps the audience at the edge of their seat. From winning money at a casino (aided by Sridevi in a Chaplin avatar – see pic above), or beating up villains as Bajrang Bali, Mr.India had all the goodness, jam-packed to the brim. And it even answers how would a leather chair look like if an invisible man was to sit on it. Ask Annu Kapoor! Even the slight mention of Mr.India makes me want to rewatch it all over again. And that’s what we call fucking epic.

Koi Mil Gaya (2003)

Like it or not, Rakesh Roshan did make India’s version of E.T. meets Close Encounters meets Forrest Gump, and that sort of amalgamation is only bound to be good, by virtue of its constituents. It spawned future superhero elements, which we’ll not cover under the scifi umbrella [The same reason we do not consider vampires to be science fiction]. Of course there are the annoying bits here – in your face Bournvita promotion, female lead being treated as a competition prize, and some really annoying teacher whose best Tech question is – How do you Copy and Paste files in Windows? Seriously, even my mum can do that.

But above all these pitfalls, there’s the blue and rubbery Jadoo, who wants to phone home. He is solar powered, and can transform the limping loser to the dancing hero. If only for that, and for Rekha, Koi Mil Gaya is a worthy mention on the SciFi list of Bollywood.

Patalghar (2003)

The very same year as Koi Mil Gaya, a Bengali movie, much humbler in terms of scale, but thumping with a heart as big as Godzilla’s, Patalghar - directed by debutante director Abhijit Choudhury, made splashes and waves across the Indian film festivals. Sadly, beyond the local Bengali cinema circuit, this did not meet the commercial reception it deserved. But nevertheless, it was filled with colourful characters such as Aghar Sen (Soumitra Chatterjee), Bhootnath Nandy (Joy Sengupta), Vik (Biplab Chatterjee), Begum (Mita Vashist) and a very cracking role by child actor Sourav Bandopadhyay as Kartik. Based on the story by Shirshendu Mukhopadhyay, Patalghar‘s charm is in the innocent, simplistic yet charming imaginations such as an alien planet called Nyapcha, a powerful annihilating machine , and of course Aghor Sen’s book of riddles. It almost gives a sort of Satyajit Ray deja vu. For cinephiles who love scifi for the sheer concept, and the execution of simple ideas, this is a must watch. It excels in the technique as well as the story-telling.

Endhiran (2010)

Finally, Shankar’s Endhiran is the most obvious entry on this list. By virtue of its magnitude and scale, Endhiran knocks down even its Hollywood counterparts. There’s quotes flying from Isaac Asimov’s The Three Laws of Robotics. There are three Rajnis..wait, there’s actually way too many for you to count. There’s facemelting action sequences which can make Michael Bay look like a amateur. There are some annoying plastic bits in the form of the screaming Mrs. Rai Bachchan, and the slap-worthy mother who is furious to see her naked daughter being rescued from a fire [ The biggest WTF moment of recent years].

But Endhiran rises above all of that. Its action sequences have been embedded in tech and scifi blogs around the world, and even people who have no idea of a South Indian film industry, now swear by its magnificence. The idea of AI reaching such a stage to develop human emotions such as anger, envy and love is a direct nod to Asimov’s Bicentennial Man. That and Danny Denzongpa’s evil chipped Rajni clone bots, complete this list.

As for the abominations in this genre, we have quite a few examples of how it should not be done. In recent memory, Love Story 2050 (2008) and Action Replayy (2010) come to my mind. As I look forward to the big budget blockbuster Ra.One , all set to invade our movie screens, I hope it does rule and smash all box office records. So that the future of Indian cinema can see more and more scifi elements and whacky ideas find onscreen life.

As always, this list is incomplete. So please leave your thoughts and suggestions in the comments below. Cheerio!

I am not going to do any sort of gimmicky GIF magic to state how awful this movie is. Neither am I going to create smart lined Facebook memes for this one. This review of Action Replayy is going to be a full on verbal bashing in the very old school way of ‘gaaligaloch’. So for the overtly sensitive and the easily offended – stay the fuck out of this. For the rest who are still reading, thank you and I hope that you can relate to my utter frustration and disappointment at Vipul Amrutlal Shah’s abomination aka ‘Action Replayy’. Point to be noted – funny spellings of movie titles which are numerologically manipulated by the likes of Sunita Melon and Bejaan Pantiwallah do not always ensure success. Actually, they never do. And I hope these numerologists change their names to the ones I just suggested.

To begin with – the Director.
Vipul Amrutlal Shah’s filmography boasts of a smart thriller (Aankhen), a dumbed down comedy which works (Waqt), and an NRI movie which I found was above average (Namastey London). And then London Dreams happened. This was where 40 something uncles put on facelift cream, wore earrings, and sang Hindi pop songs and Hanuman Chalisa touring Europe to packed stadiums. There was a lady who believed in her cheerleading career, and well – if you want to know what I felt about the movie, you can read this.

When I got hold of the first publicity pictures of Action Replayy, it got me super excited for reasons more than one. Firstly, it was set in a retro era of Bollywood which I love the most. I had consciously kept myself distant from the music trailers and any of the movie’s plot details.But I couldn’t escape people discussing about how this was adapted from a Gujrati play, which is a shameless rip off from Back To The Future. All of these factors left me bamboozled, and I really did not know what to expect. The dude in the director’s chair is no stranger to the whole Bolywood blockbuster routine. How wrong was I? Only if the movie was half as good as the posters.

The effervescence and element of enjoyment required for a wink wink retro movie is just not there. The movie begins with Bunty showing fear of marriage because his parents have a miserable marital relationship. Bunty’s girlfriend Tanya has a genius grandad (Randhir Kapoor in a dwarfed cameo, quite conveniently named Anthony Gonsalves) who has built a time machine. Bunty devices a plan to fix the troubled marriage of his parents and outsmarts the scientist to go back in the past. And so we begin, the biggest annoying marathon ever to be witnessed in Indian cinema. If you thought London Dreams was appalling, Action Replayy takes it to a whole new dimension of duisgusting. I’d better list down my list of annoyances.

Bunty’s parents – Kishan/Kitchen Kumar (Akshay, more like Yuckshay) and Mala (Aishwarya Rai) are shown as their grown up selves after a 20 years of marriage. So, considering they are like 30s (at the most) when they got married, what the fuck did they smoke to end up looking like that. Or did the makeup guy turn up high on some drug? These people (all of them) have the most horrendous makeup in the history of Bollywood – and this includes all the Ramsay movies. As Raja Sen rightly pointed out, the old versions seem to have faces made of leather. And Aish couldn’t have been made to look bad, so she has some grey streaks to indicate her age.

The dialogues are so dull and have no amount of humour stuck on it. For a light hearted , masala movie, the dialogue seems like to have been written by someone who wasn’t paid to do his job. e.g. Bunty meets Anthony Gonsalves for the first time and says – Do all scientists get their haircut in the same salon? Ha Ha Bloody Ha! The whole Bunty giving his Dad sex ed made me squirm so hard.

The ensemble cast is completely bollocks.

• Om Puri as Akshay’s father has only one line throughout the movie – Gadha.
• Kirron Kher is a chorus singer at All India Radio, and is against love marriage. And most importantly, she is a born bully.
• Rajpal Yadav is neither funny, nor existent. His only line – Sab Kaam Main Hi Karoo was unnecessary, unwanted and useless.
• Ranvijay as the antagonist cool disco dancing dude who can sing in Male and Female voices is a wasted opportunity. He bullies the ‘to-be-Hero’ and could have been written much more smartly. There are definite shades of Biff here, but all of that is lost in stupid gags of taking off Pyjama and shirts and loathsome 70′s wigs.

Why do we love Back to the Future? Because even with its silly logic of time travel enabled by the Flux Capacitor generating 1.2 gigawatts and requiring the Delorean at 88 miles per hour, we were easily made to believe in it by the awesome Doc. There is no such scifi detail here and no one gives a single fuck about it. The character of Doc in BTTF, is here translated to Anthony Gonsalves being portrayed by Radhir Kapoor in a cheapo wig with a ponytail. He starts speaking of the sense of vision due to light being reflected to us from objects. Some of these objects, like Alpha Centauri, are light years away, so the image we see is actually a few years old. Good point. And….?? And then Tanya rambles on about the importance of marriage. Sab SciFi ka chaupat!!!

Bunty – VJ Aditya , who’s only contribution in this whole movie is that afro. No, he’s got more. He’s wearing geeky tees sporting Master Yoda and what not. He’s matchmaking his bunny-toothed Dad with the cynical street kaminee Mala. He is playing Guru Vidyapathi to his Besura Bhola Dad by playbacking his songs. And you know what, he is quite conveniently allowed to mingle with by these people, who were strangers just an hour ago. You get the point? Were people in the 70′s this easy?

Speaking of 70′s Bombay – is it only meant to be Victoria Terminus station? The streets are wide and empty, and every girl on the street is dressed in a tight kurti aping the fashion of Leena Chandavarkar. And the dudes have Rajesh Khanna hair, Bell Bottoms and Polka dotted shirts. The cinemas are then showing Julie and the canteens are playing Aap Ki Kasam. Seems like some one was IMDbing. This is definitely not a low budget work – you can tell by the colours leaping out of each frame. Looks like a unicorn vomitted double rainbows all over the movie. And oh, just so that you should credit the research team, Bunty keeps mentioning various 70′s related trivia deliberately – such as the Emergency and Sholay. Ha!

Finally, since it’s a musical comedy set in the 70′s, the music should be awesome, innit? You couldn’t be more wrong. Pritam sounds very uninspired and this could be one of his laziest work. The whole ‘competition’ segment (which seems like a nod to Hum Kisi Se Kum Nahi) is so rubbish and so third class. I don’t have anything positive to say about this movie. Oh may be just one thing. Aishwarya Rai playing her mean self is spot on. Maybe for the first time, she has found her niche.

Avoid this like the plague. If you are expecting a Diwali blockbuster, I’d rather suggest you to watch Om Shanti Om again which was a riot of colours, and whole lotta awesomeness. This movie is such a wasted opportunity and one can only hope that this was made by Farah Khan.

All of the estimated $ 300 million spent, all the hype and publicity and the anticipation -It all boils down to the 2hours 40 minutes spent in the dark IMAX auditorium with my 3D spectacles on. And James Cameron shows why (as he quite rightly shouted out loud in his Oscar winning speech) he is indeed the King of the World. I cannot think of any other movie which created so much buzz and excitement around it. And does it live up to all of it. It so well does. Avatar is a revolutionary piece of cinema. But apart from the technological breakthrough in its imagery, the story telling by Master Cameron and its smart comparison with contemporary geo-political situations is what makes Avatar one of the best Blockbusting, Mind-Blowing, Heart-Wrenching and Eye-Popping spectaculars.

I watched Avatar on Saturday morning with a packed audience in BFI IMAX in true 3D glory. And it was exactly how the filmmaker intended it to be savoured as. And as Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) narrates his story, we get sucked in by the heights and depths of Pandora. The space-floating scene is exceptionally well shot, and it made me feel weightless. Now I can talk and keep on talking about how awesome this movie was. But to begin with, let me tell you that there are some bloody cynical and miserable people in this world, who were wowed by the visuals of the movie [I am talking about that reviewer Larushka Ivan-Zandeh in Friday's Metro paper: ]. But the story failed to impress her and she simply sums it to be an age-old “Save The Rainforest” tale. So to reply to her, Larushka darling, it might be age-old tale for you, but there is no bigger contemporary problem facing we the citizens of earth than the global condition. Just look around and see how the global leaders at Copenhagen have finally reached at a “conclusion” by merely postponing events for next year. Avatar beautifully depicts the relation between the natural life cycle and how its disruption could be fatal for the entire population. And when you say that it is a “Save A Rainforest” tale, you actually make yourself sound like the corporate asshole Parker Selfridge (Giovanni Ribisi) who thinks it is just a mere tree out of the 12th power of 10 species in Pandora. Of course, everyone is entitled to his/her opinion. But yours, just plain sucks.

Moving on, I must say that Mr JC has indeed done the best job by waiting for the technology to catch up to suit his vision.The wait has been worth it, and the flora and fauna surrounding Pandora; each leaf of a new species and each growl of a new creature is awe-inspring. We travel across Pandora with the same fascination in our eyes as Jake Sully’s and Neytiri’s command and strong character makes us forget the fact that it is all motion-capture. And if the Na’vi do not fail to impress us, the humans are not far behind. Sigourney Weaver as Dr.Grace is spot on, and as mentioned previously, Parker Selfridge exudes corporate hunger for profit. As for heavily scarred Colonel Miles( Stephen Lang), he is a caricature model built around GW Bush (IMO) who believes in “dealing terror with terror”. To envelope all of this awesomeness in one big awesome package and deal with the geo-political issues in a sci-fi drama with a cinematic vision never seen before deserves everything -ABSO-EFFIN-LUTELY EVERYTHING.All the Oscars, the Golden Globes and even the Filmfare

James Horner’s score for the movie was spell binding and it captures the ambience, the beauty and also the dangerous wild side of Pandora. As for Maestro James Cameron, the man’s still got it. The action sequence is a complete How-To document on shooting a huge-ass action choreography, on celluloid. The man shows off his experience and why he remains not only the master of Action – True Lies, Aliens and Terminator, but also the Master in the art of story telling. *Bows to JC*

And yes, unlike some people who believe it is not a classic, I definitely believe otherwise. It is a game changer. Just like the first time we saw the T-Rex on the big screen, or Darth Vader use the Force, or Gimli and Legolas fight Orks, Avatar will be counted as one of the most revolutionary movies of our times. Few years on from now, we’ll remember Christmas 2009 to be the time when Avatar changed the face of cinema.
If you haven’t seen it yet, go and watch it, and make sure you watch it in 3D. You can thank me later.And now I can proudly declare myself as the member of the Avatar Fan Clan. I’ll leave you with some Bloody Awesome image captures from the Trailer. Hail Avatar! Hail Cameron!!

**SCREENSHOTS -VISUAL Nom Noms**

Big Ass War Machine

Na'vi Rebellion

Marines in Pandora

Na'vi Strikes

Corporate Dumbos

Neytiri Shoots

Marines assemble

Glowing Love in Pandora

Neytiri

Na'vi Rise

Jake Sully becomes the Avatar

Me at BFI Imax

So, I went to Bluewater on Saturday. I have been there just once before, and the first time was more of a brief visit than anything else. Personally, I don’t like long whole day shopping sessions. I just get tired easily. But I had no idea of what awesomeness was in store for me. I have been writing way too much in my previous posts. So, this one is going to be just about pictures, pictures and more pictures [ accompanied by tiny, little comments]. The pictures have been taken by my very humble Samsung J200′s 1.3 MP camera. So don’t expect much of a quality. But to have captured all the goodness just made my day.

Here’s batch 1: WH Smith’s book collection of Biographies.

Look Ma! Ant n Dec have got a Book now. And there’s Peter Kay..Yayy!! And Jeremy Clarkson.

After the Jump:- Lotsa Lego!!! Lotsa Star Wars and Doctor Who awesomeness!!!

Lots more biographies. Captain Jack – John Barrowman, Jack Dee, Loose Women, and even Stavros Flatley. Why does Britain love reading so many biographies? Or is it just me standing in the biography section?

And then, there’s the Guy – Mr Harry Hill

And of course, the legendary cook – Late Keith Floyd. And next to him, the guy who always loses in QI. And seriously, there’s already a book on Robert Pattinson.

Okay, enough of books. Let’s go to – Lego!! Batch 2: Lego Shop.

Welcome to Lego!!

Still in awe!!!

Embracing the awesomeness. George Lucas is fraking God! That’s a bloody Death Star.

Shhhhhh!!!!! That’s an anniversary edition. Okay, enough of packets..time for some real ones.

Star Wars awesomeness overdose!!!

And yet some more!!

Lotsa Lego!!!

Lego Chess!!

Lego-Trons and Lego-Bug.

Phew. Next..!! Showcase Cinemas showing a Saw marathon. Seriously?

NEXT!!!!

A store called MenKind. It was very cool. Have a look at the action figures.

Alien, Predator and I think the Alien from Species. Or is it masked and unmasked versions?
And then, snazzy bike and a fighter jet.

Regan on her infamous bed, and Bruce Wayne in his famous vigilante avatar – ya know Batman.

Now that’s a hard one to bring together. The Joker, Eddy from Iron Maiden and the Governor of California.

Terminator vs. Tony Montana.

This one will be actually lovely to see on the screen. Shaun vs. Chucky & Saw

Finally – A collection of awesome miniature models of….

So that’s :
1st row: Del Boy from Only Fools and Horses, Rocky Balboa and Mr.T

2nd row: Audrey Hepburn from Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley

3rd Row: Che Guevara, Vincent & Jules from Pulp Fiction.

That’s extremely cute and definitely a collectable. But at 80 quid, that’s repulsively expensive.

Ok, people!!! We close down today’s show with some Doctor Who awesomeness.

No.1: The Official Anual 2010

No.2: The Official Model: With Companion and Tardis

And finally, a Chilli Sauce called Pain 100%. ROFL

Thanks for joining me in this ride of geekiness. Hope you liked it. Throw away some graceful comments below. Cheerio!!

You know I have been showing off my digital art with the aid of my new Tablet – The Trust TB 7300. And I have been particularly interested in drawing the white on black stuff. It somehow gives an edge over conventional black on white. And I hate colouring. But, the Frank Miller style of art seen in Sin City series, is brilliant. I did get a lot of positive response for my previous sketch of Kira. But, people kept on complaining that I was too inclined towards Jap anime characters, and DC -Marvel Universe is getting neglected. So, here we go. Starting with this one. I have attempted to do a sketch of Wolverine.

Here’s work in Progress – a sketch of the head. Looks like Rorsach’s mask

After the Jump, the full High-Resolution pic of the Sketch of Wolverine. And a Diwali Bonus

Click on the picture for the Higher Resolution Version.

…And the Diwali Bumper Bonus is..

Another Sin City inspired sketch..

I know its a bit rough and needs more cleaning up. But anyway, Happy Diwali.

Shout it out in the comments section if you liked them, hated them or just think it wasn’t good enough. Cheerio!