Now we have had the Guitar as a symbol of uber-coolness and what Anu Malik would point out as “The X-Factor” in a dude, or even in a dudette. Bollywood has always tried to incorporate this instrument of uber-coolness into the character of our main protagonists on whose responsible shoulders, lies the responsibility of carrying the ‘cool’ load. But more often than not, these shoulders tend to slip and the rather than looking like a confident weight lifter, they often tend to look like a malnutrition patient in an Atlas position [really horrible analogy I know]. Well, after all, our Bollywood heroes are not really good guitarists- not until Saif Ali Khan came into the scene and showed how it’s done [ just have a look at Piyu Bole for example, and you'll know what I mean ]. Neither can they mimic as passable mock rockers.
Now I am a Guitar Hero addict, and cannot play a single song on the Guitar except for a few bass riffs. And whenever I see these Bollywood ‘Guitar Heroes’ scoring with the chicks as they strum their fingers on the strings in a fashionable way which is miles away from the actual tune being played [ or sometimes they even don't bother to strum ], my blood boils [ a literal translation of a Hindi proverb : Khoon Khaulta Hai Mera ]. So, to take my revenge, here I list down 10 of those big criminals who have tormented me in many a nightmares in their horrible avatars.
Behold for the Guitar Villains of Bollywood
10. Bharat Bhushan – Tum Bin Jaau Kaha ( Pyar Ka Mausam ).
The confidence with which Bharat Bhushan jee strums that little Ukelele-ish instrument with his right pinky sticking out deserves a thousand claps. And he completely melts his wife with his music. Now, it’s a different argument that his wife is none other than Nirupa Roy. I love this song, and Kishore da’s falsetto is impeccable. But Bharat jee’s guitar skills are .. let’s not really go deep into it. [Video Link: Tum Bin Jaau Kaha ]Shall we move on to the next one
9. Biswajeet – Lakho Hai Yaha Dilwale ( Kismat )
Now, this is a song from that era of Bollywood which was washed away by the Beatles and Elvis wave. The jacket, the bow tie, the tight trousers, the high heeled pointed shoes and most noticeably, a club environment where a band accompanies our Guitar dude. Mohd. Rafi used to be the weapon of choice, but this song has Mahendra Kapoor on the vocals. So far so good. Until they decided that the dude will be – Biswajeet. The accompanying band is called – The Monkeys, and no wonder the lead vocalist dances like that [ watch the video, man, I dare you, I double dare you not to laugh ]. And then, just when you thought he couldn’t do it better, he goes hands free [ near 0: 55 in the video ]. And then, back to the dance. ROFL.
8. Tariq – Aapke Kamre Main ( Yaadon Ki Baarat )
I friggin love this song. It has so much Panchamda’s awesomeness filled to the brim. And Kishore da and Asha jee have just done some chummeshwari performance on this song. But as always, there is a big Haddi in this Kebab. And that is the Guitar maestro’s killer onscreen solos. Now, I really don’t know where to begin and in fact, I am quite at loss of words here. To compare this with Biswajeet’s song, I think Tariq’s performance is almost 10 times the Ridic factor of the previous one. If you think I am exaggerating, try and watch this one out here [ video: Aapke Kamre Mein ]
7. Tariq (again) – Chand Mera Dil ( Hum Kisi Se Kam Nahi )
Again, one of Panchamda’s spellbinding medleys [ which includes an 'inspired' Mamma Mia' ] which begins with a very lovey-dovey ballad – Chand Mera Dil on the guitar. And Tariq kills it – yet again. Oh the shades, the bell bottoms and the hair. Hahahaaha!!!!! What about the guitar? Screw the guitar. Heroes are too awesome to play it right. The left hand never moves a spot, and even then, awesomeness is delivered intact. [ Video here: Chand Mera Dil ]
6. Amitabh Bachchan – Disco Bhangra ( Ganga Jamuna Saraswati )
Now, I haven’t seen this movie. And I was introduced to this by Her Highness Pitu Jee on twitter. And it stayed in my head for quite a long time. It is possibly the inspiration behind this post. Yes, it is THAT ridiculous. Big B in leather (think MJ in Bad) , with an acoustic guitar , and dancing to yes – Disco AND Bhangra. You never thought it would have been possible in this life. Well, that is why he’s Big B. Oh, not to forget there’s Meenakshi Seshadri dancing in a Banjara outfit, and some really fugly extras and to top it all – Mohd. Aziz on the vocals. Hang on, I need to link the video [ Video: Disco Bhangra ] You have to pay real good attention to the lyrics [ 2:55 ]- Dance Dikhaunga Aisa – Michael Jackson Jaisa [ Please note how Aby does the crotch move ].
5. Sharukh Khan and his chicks – Koi Mil Gaya ( Kuch Kuch Hota Hai )
I really hate Mohabbatein, and I wanted to include that whole violin thing he does in the movie. But my friend convinced me, that its technically not a Guitar. And since this post is about Guitar, I had to find the next worst thing. So, after intensive research, I found this grave crime being committed by King Khan in KJo’s K2H2. I love this song..I really do. But Rani starts playing the Guitar on a bass riff – possibly it’s a Bass guitar. And SRK just takes the same guitar and belts out a cracking tone from a proper Electric Guitar. Wrong baby Wrong. [Video Link: Koi Mil Gaya ]
And it doesn’t stop there. All those babes with those guitars; they don’t even know how to properly hold it. I know, I know! It’s just a part of the props department in Farah Khan’s brilliant college choreography, and visually it looks quite fun, but since we are digging in deep into technicality, this one gets a #FAIL rating. Sorry, I didn’t make the rules
4. Hrithik Roshan – Chand Sitaare ( Kaho Na Pyar Hai )
It is a sin to carry around a guitar as a friggin prop when the song does not have a single note of the guitar. Crimes like these have been committed by Jugal Hansraj as well [ in Ghar Se Nikalte Hi - Papa Kehte Hai ]. But that movie isn’t big enough to qualify. This one’s a late 90’s blockbuster. So, the dude gets out of his friggin boat, stretches out his arms, with his left one holding an acoustic guitar. Then the song begins [ after an initial KLPD episode]. And the dude ditches the guitar to move towards the chick and do some Bollywood routine dance coz – Taaza Taaza Kali Kheeli Hai, HUm Uske Deewane Hai. Sucka! [Video Link: Chaand Sitaare ]
3. Salman Khan – O O Jaane Jana (Pyar Kiya To Darna Kya )
Desi dudes like Salman bhaiya will never be able to appreciate the fine art of guitaring. We get a sample of this in one those songs which every desi dude will try to learn in the very first month of learning to play the guitar. This was a rage when it came out, and when I saw the picturisation, I was disappointed. Salman bhai gives a shot of his muscle-wallah back, and then gives an about turn with the words – I Love You All. And then we get to see, he’s not playing the guitar at all. Whilst he finishes his intro dialogue, the accompanying dancers of Ganesh Hegde Dance Company show their synchronicity. And then Salman Bhai exclaims – Hit It, and friggin throws the guitar to an extra – a friggin extra who never gets to see the light of the day again. You tell me, Ye Kahaa Ka Insaaf Hai ??? [ How is this meant to be justice] [Video Link: O O Jaane Jana ]
2. Rahul Roy – Saanso Ki Zaroorat Hai (Aashiqui)
Yes, another one of those classic Bollywood guitar songs. I don’t know where to begin. Just have a look at this clip and decide for yourself [ Video Link: Saanso Ki Zaroorat Hai] . Just to remind, this is an era where Deepak Tijori still exists on the big screen. Even though, he commits himself to the sidekick role for eternity until Tushar Kapoor comes for the rescue.
But to top it all – the Sartaaj of all Guitar crimes is committed by the King of the Bollywood Guitar villains…and he is…..Wait for it…..
1. Rajesh Khanna and Mithun jr. – Goro Ki Naa Kaalo Ki (Disco Dancer )
I swear man. This video defies all musical laws. Acoustic Guitars blasting public minds with the techno Twoin Twoing sounds. Kakajee accelerating his congo playing , and a Rs.5 worth plastic guitar making Mandolin sounds. This is a song which spreads the word against discrimination on the basis of colour. What they didn’t know was that a decade later Fair n Lovely and Fair n Handsome are going to be the bestselling cream in India. Watch this video just for the sheer raw dance power of Kakajee who doesn’t require his left hand to play the guitar. He’s THAT awesome. [Video link: Goro Ki Naa Kaalo Ki ]
So, there you go , those are my top 10 Guitar Villains of Bollywood. I know Bollywood doesn’t necessarily translate to technically correct. But even then, Guitar crime is ruining the youth more than Rakhi Sawant [ according to an independent survey from Aaj Tak ].
Sorry, but I couldn’t find any video of Tushar Kapoor playing the guitar. If you have your own favourites to add to this list, please do so by adding an appropriate adjective before it in the comments section. Cheerio!