This might come across as an offensive piece of writing directly aimed at toilet humor. But well, literally speaking it is more aimed at the toilet bit of it. Let’s call it the toilet etiquette or perhaps “Loo-tiquette”. This is directly aimed at that loo-natic guy peeing next to me even when the entire row is empty. I really do not get it. Why next to me? Yes, I am claustrophobic. And add to that, I have stage fright!! Now, you might ask how does that relate to my problem.Yes, I am a weird guy. I cannot pee in the presence of a crowd. I need proper silence, concentration and direction in that order. And no, I cannot multi-task while I am doing it. And so, I’d rather not see you too doing the same. Which leads to rule no.1 of “Loo-tiquette”
Rule 1: No Phone Calls
If you have come to take a leak, just do it. Do NOT attend a call, or try to negotiate your crucial deals while your have your phone held between your ears and your left shoulder, whereas your body is releasing . Think of the person on the other end who hears a flush when the deal is done. And also think of what value you hold of the deal. Was it that important that you needed to “Flush IT”? Stop trying to remember things on the call while you are peeing and please oh please, make sure your ringtones do not belong to the Disco era!!
Corollary to Rule no.1: No involving in the call
This is for the team mates of the Project Manager on the call. Please do not try to get involved in the call with your Manager while you all are standing shoulder to shoulder, facing the same direction and your hands are on your private area. So conversations should be kept out of it. You do have an ego right?
Rule no.2: Do not try to strike a conversation.
This is different from No.1. This is actually for all those morons who try to socialize only in the Loo. These oxymorons are the fathers of small talk and are found always in the Loo. Believe it or not, the questions they come up with while you (or at least I am) are busy concentrating, or releasing, or winding up!! A typical loo-socializer question would be “So then Mr.X, how’s life treating you?”. A second more common question is ” What happened to your new Project that was on the cards? Are you happy with it?”. All I can reply back is “It’s going on”, for both the questions. Simply because IT IS going on. But all I really want to answer him is “You bloody dumb moron! Too eager to know how life is treating me? Take this!” And that is when I’d pee on his pants.
Rule 3: Please don’t Spit Out Loud. Use the Flush
Yeah, you Mr. Manager. I know you have the B-School degree, or perhaps not! And you are a manager leading 20 equally “talented” guys. But why do you have to bring out all your saliva to flush down the deed you just did. And oh, you also begin thy deed by kinda cleansing the vessel with thy spit. It’s so easy. Bring out all of it from thy glands with an effective “Khhwwaaaaaakk…kkk”, and then slowly release it from the edge, and let gravity do the rest. Hear the vessel buzz with the eternal “tuckkkk…..kkk” while it resonates through the walls of toilet and yes, the sound just travelled through the pipes to the Meeting Hall outside. Your driver in the car, parked in the basement could hear it. More than the “Khhwwaaaaaakk…kkk”, the “tuckkkk…..kkk”.
Rule no.4: No Loo Idols please!
Keep thy talent to thyself, especially when it involves the “toilet unplugged versions” of “Beedi Jalaile” or “Honth Rasile Tere Honth Rasile”. I know Himess’ voice got discovered in the peak periods of constipation, but godammit, he did it in the privacy of his own PRIVATE toilet. And for God’s sake you are no Himmess, there can be only ONE. So forget dreaming. Or if you can’t, just do it in your own toilet. Not a public one. Imagine if you are singing “Abhi Na Jaao Chhod Kar” (English translation: Don’t leave me and go)in the Loo!!!
Rule no.5: Basin Basics:
Do not blow thy trumpet like the Orchestra lived on it. By that I mean, do not blow your nose so hard that your left lung gets mixed up with your intestines. Do not splash water into the person standing behind you, to the left of you, right of you and above you. Do not donate water to the basin. If you are done, please fuck off. More than often, there are only three sets of basins in a toilet, even if there were 165 urinals. So, do remember that the basin is a crowded area. Try not to push with your hands still wet. I’d appreciate that you keep a safe distance from me, stay silent and follow rules no .1 ,2, 3 and 4 in that order. And once you’re through, get out. It’s your world then. You can pee around then. But inside the toilet you better follow the rules.
Pee patrol is around , mind you!!! This is Sergeant Loo Bega signing off. Over & Out. Pooof!!! Oh crap! Smelly Fart!!!
Pic Courtesy:Stev C