The Legend of the Bollywood Jane..!!
For all those (the dumb ones who did not watch what happened right after the song )who are still wondering whether Jumma DID give her Chumma (Kiss) to Tiger, the answer is Yes,she DID. Tiger (Big B’s name in Mukul Anand’s HUM) survived with minimum injuries and a face loaded with prints of the red lips (those were the days without the non-transferring Maybelline). And for all those dumb ones who are not aware of the entire set up of how Tiger becomes such a confident and demanding male ( as the words say -Jumma Chumma De De), the answer lies in the scene before the song (Bollywood has never believed in desynchronisation of plot points. Are you listening Christoper ‘Memento’ Nolan? ). Miss Jumma challenges Tiger to collect his hafta ( in the form of a coin) which has been rested in between her..you know where! Okay, her b@@bies. (Now c’mon if they can show it, I can well fucking write it down.) And what was at stake? Jumma would give Chumma (kiss) to Tiger on the day of Jumma. (Please do take note of the intelligence of the moviemaker in the choice of words and rhymes. ) Tiger lifts Jumma, makes her legs go up and face almost touching the ground and starts shaking well. The end result is that due to the vibratory motion and the gravitational force, the coin was attracted towards the centre of the earth. Hence,proved! And Tiger gets his share of Chummas. Mystery solved. But keeping aside the entire Jumma Chumma De De incident, I am still searching for answers to the question posted in the title: What happened to the legend of the Bollywood Jane-Kimi Katkar?
I did my bit of research on the internet about the whereabouts, the genesis and the current status of Kimi Katkar (Hold on, don’t get so impatient. We ARE gonna talk about Tarzan and Jane and the wet white dress and the dawn of Indian moisture). Frankly speaking, didn’t impress me much. Debut film-Andar Baahar, married photographer Shantanu Sheroy (searched about him as well. I am yet to verify it is the same Shantanu Sheroy, but there are some results showing that he is the director of the Coke ads of Vivek Oberoi and Ash, and Chachi 420 as well ). At least what her filmography on IMdB has for display is the one that IS impressive. I can bet you with the current News Channels airing programs and reality show snippets (one word- churning shit) more than News, you would be familiar with the meanings (or at least the expressions) of most of these movie titles, even when you are not fluent with Hindi or don’t speak it at all .
Titles like- Jeevan Daata, Sarphira, Kaarnama, Taqdeer ka Tamasha, Roti Kee Keemat, Aag se Khelenge, Kahan Hai Kanoon et al. (Translation into English respectively : Life Giver, Crackhead, Feat, A show of Fate, The cost of bread, We’ll play with Fire, Where is the Law? ) just wouldn’t remind you of Kimi Katkar anymore. The show is being stolen by the evening 7 o clock news breaking news taglines flashing on your tubes, and that is so NOT FAIR. Not fair to a lady who
has given birth to those immortal names. The Tube should carry an asterisk in the right corner with an acknowledgement note to Miss Kimi Katkar. At least like those reduction sale ads which carry a ‘Conditions Apply‘ written in English for amoeba.So anyway, I know you guys can’t wait to pounce already on Bollywood Jane. But a little more of Jumma and her other exploits. Jumma Chumma was one of my favorite songs then. I would hum it when I felt lonely, in the loo, when I felt lonely in the loo. I was too shy to admit it then. But all of that ‘original’ charm was stolen by a guy in Puff Daddy shades and bling that would make Mary J Blige go blind. The lyrics of the other song seemed so not original, and had nothing inspiring as asking for a Chumma. Now someone tell me what is meant by Tumma Tumma Loge, Tumma Tumma Loge..Tumma.
Jaao Kehdo Us Kaneez Se, Ke Wo Mallika-e-Hind hai,
to Hum Bhi Shahenshah-e-Bollywood Hai.
Nahi Lena Hume Tumma.
And then, that song features a gyrating Sanjay Dutt trying hard to ape Janet Jackson. Ok, Madhuri Dixit had done it with ease. So why not keep it just a Madhuri Dixit song. Okay, so I am getting diverted. But, bottom-line:- Jumma Chumma kicks Tumma Tumma’s arse. And Kimi Katkar’s red dress soaked in soap, with a huge crowd dressed in black and holding white cups filled with some white frothy beverage to the brim. Hmm, even Nicole Kidman would’ve wanted to do it. And yeah, that COIN also has a guest appearance in the song.
And finally, let us all stand up to bow to the legend of the Bollywood Jane.[Image courtesy: Panabasis] (I know that you must be tired of the title by now)But you see, our Ms Jane wasn’t called Jane after all. Her name was Ruby Shetty. Confession: Tarzan was my first movie and I watched it on a VHS. I was 3 years old, not very fluent in Hindi as I am now, and I would still manage to hum the tune of the title track- Tarzan, My Tarzan, Aaja Main Seekhadu Tujhe Pyaar Kaise Ho. (You can surely imagine I would have skipped almost the words from 4th to 8th but would never forget to get the ending Ho right. Pitch perfect). And then, that other song as well – Mere Saath Gaoge. And then we had Ruby teaching Do Re Me to Tarzan. WOW! Yeah, those were my kindergarten days. And then almost 12 years later, on my computer monitor in the comfort of my private hostel room, I got enlightenment and I could see and understand the cinematic excellence of my first movie-released in 1985, in a totally different level. I could now really understand how much of a lucky dude that Hemant Birje guy is.
Of course, I am not gonna wind up without discussing the premise of the Title track.
( Sorry to dissapoint you, but I am NOT discussing the Rated R scene. Those are best kept as they are- on Youtube -NSFW link) . Now the inspiration/man behind this musical geniaaaas creation is Bappi Da and the svelte voice is Alisha Chinai. The background is- Ruby dreams (she is sleeping in her very comfortable white err..nightgown) as Tarzan stares at her. (Pfft..Tarzan, weird guy, he only stares). Ruby wakes up and finds herself dressed in a ruby-red dress. MAGIC??? She is so much in awe with the beautiful surroundings of the forest. She talks of the cleanliness that the forrest boats of – the water, the skies, the sun and the moon. And she does look like she needs some cleanliness herself (as in a bath). And then, I would only quote her now.
Yahaa lagta hai ki Aadmi sachmuch Nature ka ek hissa hai.
Ye (looking at Tarzan) bhi to ek Aadmi hai.
Sabhya,Civilised Aadmiyo se bilkul alag.
Now for the best part: Sachmuch ka Aadmi
Jaise Isse Tu ne banaya hoga
Ek saada kaagaz
Main Iske Dil pe pyar ka shabd likhungee,
aur ise pyar ka matlab samjhaungee
(“It seems like here, man is really a part of Nature,
He’s also a Man
Totally different from the civilised and decent men
A REAL Man (giggle)
Like the way you have made him
A white paper
I will write the word love in his heart
And teach him the meaning of Love”)
Now, the Sachha Aadmi-REAL man part had just got really interesting , when Director Babbar Subhash went ahead and tore down all the metaphor and declared that no, we love LOVE. And time for the beats to swoop in. Man, you have to watch the video to get what I am really talking about. I am talking about the infectious bass line, the harmonica and the awe-inspiring voice of Alisha. Yeah, all of them lies. Lady in Red, Rocks, Pool of Water and a song which has words-Bheega Badan (Wet Bodies). To put it in the words of the great cricketer Sachin Tendulkar- Go Get It (‘em). ( Youtube Link here again)
Yeah so, umm!! what Happened to Kimi Katkar?