RGV – oh, he did make this one. You know how this rolls. A hypothetical assumption of how these trademark directors who are the flagbearers of Bollywood would recreate this cinema classic. How’s that for an introduction? I think I fared well, considering I did away with any possible fluff – that’s left for these dirs to add.
Keyword: Research guru
He’ll go into the history of the psyche of Gabbar’s character. Most important questions that could be answered from Mr.Gowariker’s analysis – What inspires Gabbar to loot Ramgarh? What makes him eat Khaini? And most importantly, why Gabbar fancies Thakur’s hands so much? An elongated montage piece of how Gabbar’s ancestors were oppressed by some Brit bloke during the Raj period. Also, some sort of sports competition involving an underdog (to be played by AK Hangal) vs. the Daku ki Toli led by Sambha. There will be no item numbers whatsoever, and Harman Baweja will be in a quadruple role portraying all the male leads – Gabbar, Jai, Veeru and Thakur.
Basically, this will be a special effects edited version of the 1975 original, i.e. the same Sippy classic with inserted CGI visuals ala Forrest Gump of Subhash Ghai as the guy next to Kaalia, the guy in the Ramgarh gaaowaalo ki toli and of course, Subhash Ghai digitally replacing Jalal Agha in Mehbooba.
Whaa..Y u so cruel Sujoy. Ok, Mr.Ghai – the showman has run out of creative juices since 19..I don’t know when. The last average movie of Subhash Ghai was Black and White which got released amongst a gallery of utterly gutterly movies viz. Kisna, Yuuvraj, and Yaadein. What more can I now expect of Mr.Ghai than a cameo?
Sanjay Leela Bhansali
Keyword: To quote A.R.Rahman – Baaluuuuuuuu, I mean Blue.
Ramgarh is completely set in Film City. Only three colours exist – Black, White and Blue. Mostly Blue. That’s all.
Okay, maybe I can indulge a bit more. How about a one-to-one role reprisal mapping sheet.
Aditya Roy Kapoor = Keshto Mukherjee; Hrithik Roshan = Asrani; Sonam Kapoor = Jaya Bhaduri
Ranbir Kapoor = Jagdeep , howzatt!!! Not to forget, Thakur’s palace would be designed by Nitin Desai and will see a role reprisal by the famous chandelier from Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam.
I believe act 2 of Bhansali’s Sholay could be easily handed over to Mr.Johar. So, I could just continue with the one-to-one role reprisal mapping sheet.
Jai and Veeru: John and Abhishek (you know where this is going).
Basanti : The only thing that could totally rock this would be to cast Kajol as Basanti. FIN.
Of course Mr.Karan Johar’s Ramgarh would have pink curtains and 120 tonned crystal chandelier’s in Thakur’s palace, heavier than Bhansali’s chandelier. The villagers will be dressed in short kurtis courtesy Manish Malhotra and there is going to be a karva chauth event song before Gabbar ki toli scores the big kill. And oh, Gabbar doesn’t chew Khaini. He drinks ‘Koffee’.
Gabbar in Bharadwaj’s world will either hail from the Bihar bordering district in UP, or could be a reflection of Bhope Bhau. Has to be fluent in Gaali Galoch and has to be dentally challenged.
Must includes: a rough love making scene with a raunchy kiss between Veeru and Basanti.
And finally Anurag Kashyap:
Keywords: Angry, Gritty, Drunk
I would love, love, love to see Anurag Kashyap make a Sholay remake. Evidently, Sholay would be set in the alley ways of a rural town in UP or Haryana. Gabbar is a ruthless kingpin operating illegal businesses and collecting hafta from residents of a particular locality. No one reports the police, coz the police is corrupt as well. All in all, a totally fucked up law and order system. Gabbar could also be a politician. Jai and Veeru could be bromantic Jatt dadas and Thakur doesn’t need to have both his hands cut off. There could be a twist to his tale of vengeance. There is no Basanti in this tale.